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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pay off DPs debts?

71 replies

Trackandfieldmouse · 13/07/2014 21:18

I've been aware for a while that DP has credit card debts, some from before we met and some accrued since.

DP has a fairly low paid job and the debt is an accumulation of little shortfalls at the end of each month for the last couple of years.

We live together in the property I bought before we met. I pay the mortgage and bills. Food is about 50:50.

Today I accidentally opened a credit card statement. I honestly thought it was another letter for me. £4000 and the minimum payment DP has been making doesn't even cover the interest. I'm not impress tbh.

But I could pay it off. I have a reasonably well paid job and savings. I don't like the idea that the debt is just growing. Nor that DP hasn't spoken to me about it.

OP posts:

Vacillator · 13/07/2014 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker · 13/07/2014 21:56

Help her with budgeting - she might be worried about the debts and hasn't come to you because she doesn't want you to feel obliged.

Kick her bum over to moneysavingexpert.co.uk which has a great forum and budgeting tools.

Only1scoop · 13/07/2014 21:56

Are you relatively similar ages etc? Just wondered if you at really different stages if life....

I had debts like this ....living beyond my means well into my mid 20s

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/07/2014 21:57

You can try and teach money management but this is an adult living how they like to live.

You might find it goes in one ear and out the other.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/07/2014 21:59

Never pay off someone else's debts! It doesn't matter how they were acquired. They are not yours. If he's been living rent and bills-free what the heck has he been spending all his money on? If it's trying to live a life-style that's more in keeping with your income rather than his, then suggest you go out less, go on holiday less, stuff like that. BUT DO NOT PAY OFF HIS DEBTS! That's just a clear signal that he can run up more and they too will be taken care of. He's allegedly a grown up man, he should be paying off his debts from his own income.

ohthatsokthen · 13/07/2014 21:59

I think gender is irrelevant - dp is not financially responsible and that needs to be addressed in your relationship.

MaryWestmacott · 13/07/2014 22:00

sorry, hang on, your DP lives with you for free, only buying half the food for both of you, so just buying her food effectively, yet isn't paying off her debts and htey are increasing? Where was your DP living before moving in with you? Surely she's got that extra money each month that previously was spent on rent and bills to pay off the debt? Do you know roughly what she's got coming in each month?

I think realistically, your relationship can't survive unless she changes dramatically. IME, a different attitude to religion, politics, and even sex can be worked round, but different attitudes to money never works out.

Vivacia · 13/07/2014 22:01

Apologies for the assumption about the sex of your partner.

Sources of help would me far more appropriate than paying off her debt.

Timeforabiscuit · 13/07/2014 22:06

DO NOT PAY IT, HELP TO PAY IT, TAKE A LOW INTEREST LOAN OUT TO PAY IT.

This is their problem to solve, why the heck should you go short - you may be a partnership living together, but you have zero responsibility for this.

purpleapple1234 · 13/07/2014 22:16

I haven't read the other comments in the thread but have been in similar situation. I did pay off DH's most pressing debts but made him sort out a big one by himself that he still paying off. Was he grateful? No. Did it lead to horrible argument where nasty nasty things were said that can never be taken back? Yes. Are the reviberations still being felt 2 years later? Yes.

Basically there is no easy way to deal with this and still keep your relationship. His irresponsibility and immaturity with money got him into this position and are still there otherwise the debt would be paid. And no irresponsible and immature man likes to be 'saved' and be held accountable for their actions at the same time. But save them without making them accountable and you may as well stamp doormat on your forehead.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 22:16

I don't know how long you've lived together or what your plans are as a couple but I would view this as an opportunity to have a grown-up conversation about finance generally. Own up to having seen the CC bill and see what she's doing about tackling the debt. If you want to help, don't offer an easy way out with cash but offer to go through her expenses instead. Can't guarantee she'll like the idea of you being involved in her business but that's the chance you take.

SoonToBeSix · 13/07/2014 22:18

I totally disagree or just scrap the P in DP you are either a partnership or you are not.

OatcakeCravings · 13/07/2014 22:21

To be honest, I'd pay it, IF I could afford it. No point in your DP paying interest if you can pay it and then set up a direct debit to your account to pay it back. But then I don't think £4k is much debt.

HaroldLloyd · 13/07/2014 22:23

I'd have a conversation about it, and look through outgoings to see what the problem is.

I would offer to help in that way.

If there is a shortfall in her income and outgoings that needs to be sorted before you help financially as the likelihood is otherwise it will build up again.

Maybe put it onto a 0% deal and she can set aside x per month to pay it off.

Depends how serious you are I suppose, DP has put money towards paying off some of my debts in the past.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 22:23

@SoonToBeSix... are you saying that 'P' status means handing over all your cash to someone, no questions asked?

purpleapple1234 · 13/07/2014 22:23

Just read some of the rest of the thread. Haven't been in a lesiban relationship in this type of situation. Sorry i can't be of any help.

RandomMess · 13/07/2014 22:27

I would consider paying it off if dp was willing to look at their finances and address the issues, they were happy to have legally binding agreement that you loaned them £4k and it was repayable at the bank of england base rate.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 13/07/2014 22:28

Purple I don't think you need to be in a lesbian relationship to be able to relate to the situation!! Sex of dp was presumably only mentioned as we all (incorrectly) assumed a male partner & kept referring to her as him!

PhoebeMcPeePee · 13/07/2014 22:33

Actually just realised I did help DH pay off some old debts but this was after I'd kicked him up the backside about ignoring the problem & he got on & sorted out repayment plans and then work bloody hard (2nd job, overtime, virtually no spending money) over the course of 2 years so I did then feel confident enough to help out towards the end of the repayment terms.

SetTheWorldOnFire · 13/07/2014 22:34

How long have you been together?

Would you expect repayments on your payment?

Would you expect it back if you split up?

Would DP go through finances with you to ensure this didn't accrue again?

If the credit card interest is a joint household outgoing, then it makes some sense, but only if you have very clear boundaries about who pays what in the future.

justiceofthePeas · 13/07/2014 22:35

And you are making assumptions about gender of OP.
All irrelevant. The question is about debt and not about same sex relationships or otherwise.

travailtotravel · 13/07/2014 22:40

I'd go for the conversation and take a lead from there. It will either be a coming together that is much needed or you will find out things that make you uncomfortable about attitudes to money which are really important in a relationship.

Original poster

Trackandfieldmouse · 13/07/2014 22:49

I agree. A conversation is the most important thing. I still feel i would consider paying it off if dp was willing to look at their finances and address the issues. Why pay £100 odd quid each month to cc unnecessarily?

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 13/07/2014 22:54

Cogito no not no questions asked .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 22:56

Don't pay it off if your DP a) can't say how they ran it up in the first place and b) doesn't have some kind of realistic plan in place to pay it off. You're only asking her for a bit of money towards food.... where is the rest going? If you're unlucky enough to be in a relationship with an irresponsible spendthrift, they will happily take your cash, make big promises to change, and then run up more bills knowing you'll pay those off as well.

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