Dealing with DP's children

[StellaBrillante]

We've just had DP's boys over for the weekend. This was their 3rd time staying with us and I can't say it's gone particularly well.

From day 1, the youngest one seemed almost hostile and kept referring to a particular thing (very personal to me) as being 'rubbish'. I made a joke of it a couple of times and then chose to ignore it.

We all went to the pool, then had a picnic and ball game in the park. For the evening, I had bought a couple of board games to play with them. The youngest had been quite difficult all throughout the day, throwing the odd tantrum and constantly kicking the ball in our direction. It was all very odd and I couldn't see it coming as, to the best of my knowledge, nothing had happened.

Then this morning, I said 'good morning' and got no reply from either of them. The youngest one came into the kitchen, I asked him whether he had slept well and barely got a nod. Therefore, I thought I would leave them to it and decided to crack on with house chores, etc. When time came for DP to take them home, they just about managed to bring themselves to say 'bye'. Then, much to my shock, DP decided to have a go at me. Not in front of them, but he accused me of not giving them a warm hug or being more affectionate. I couldn't believe it! I made him sit down, explained the situation and that considering that I barely know them and that their own mum had told me that the youngest one is not keen on hugs, etc, I thought it best to leave them to it until they are comfortable. I also pointed out that I had gone out of my way to ensure that they had a good time with him, which is what really matters.

Their children aren't like my DS and his friends, and surely DP can see this??? It's a learning process for me too and, in my eyes, my role is to make sure that they were happy and felt as 'at home' as possible at their dad's home.

I also pointed out that if he knows that his children, especially the little one, are socially awkward, then it's down to him and his ex to work on it. Well, seeing that him and his ex are often to be found mailing and texting each other all sorts of unimportant things (don't ask!)... which is another issue in itself... Being in good terms with your ex is a good thing for the children but sending links for job vacancies 180 miles from where they currently live? What is the big plan here? To relocate them, go back to being a happy family and then remember to tell me? Or telling you ex what a nice slice cake you are having? How friendly is friendly? Anyway, I digress... Any advice on the children subject will be much appreciated.

Or maybe it's time to jump ship?!?!?!

So, are you living together? Have you just come in contact with them?
What happened the first two times?
How old are they?

What was your partner's reaction to his DS calling your thing rubbish?

I'd be inclined to hit the water based on the info you gave, tbh.
It doesn't sound very promising, he doesn't seem very supportive of you.

What is your gut feeling on this?

How long has he been divorced??? Went through a very similar situation myself and you have to gain the boys trust which may mean putting up with a lot of flack until then..

It is not easy raising someone else's children…

Have you voiced any concerns with dp about the texting? what was his response?

Meeting other children on neutral territory takes some pressure off whereas it's pretty full-on all being under one roof. Surely your DP can see you have to strike a balance between being friendly and approachable, and otoh not suffocating or too intense.

From his boys' pov they probably felt ill at ease, their dad behaves differently around you, they'll be curious yet feel disloyal to their mum if they let themselves be won over easily.

Wondering what the ages are. What is the age gap between your DS and these lads? Was your DS present?

Socially awkward ouch way to add fuel to the flames. Where was DP this morning, was he deliberately trying to give you space to allow you to get to know each other?

The contact level between DP and his ex seems to be vexing you. Know you are wanting to focus on the offspring but communication is clearly a sore point and the elephant in the room. ..

Hi, thank you all for your responses!

The children are 8 and 12. I was surprised with the 8yo's continuous 'rubbish' comments but I let it go as I hadn't done anything wrong. Just like the older one talking about his mum all the time the first couple of times when we met.

My DS is 15 and he's on an exchange abroad this week. They've met previously and all credit to DS that he was amazingly good with them. Last time, he was getting a bit fed up as little things like him asking them not to into his room and them not paying any attention, but otherwise he actually really put effort into keeping them entertained.

I don't know what to make of DP, to be honest. He didn't say anything at all to the 8yo about his comments but he made a massive deal about getting the boy to eat / try certain things - he eats next to nothing. And the same with telling them to give me a hug or say 'thank you' etc. And as for priorities, I am not one to sleep in but I did so this morning. I was really surprised (disappointed) that DP wasn't up and running, making the most of the morning and seeing to the boys. He was happy to let them sit in front of the telly until 10.30am while he stayed in bed. I think that the level of effort that he's prepared to put into being a parent only stretches so far?? He sees them every two weeks and he used to go up to where they live and stay there. The boys coming down is a new arrangements and this was effectively the first 'normal' weekend with this in place.

First time I met them, it was in neutral territory. Now they've been down three times and all in all, they've been pleasant and friendly. DP has been divorced for 8 years or thereabouts.

DP was in the kitchen when the 8yo didn't answer my question and he told him off. I did make a point of saying that the boy had nodded, not completely ignored me as I felt that DP was making things worse. They came down this time almost on a mission not to be pleasant to me and I have no idea why. But because I know that it can be difficult for the children, etc, I chose to ignore it and make the most of their time here. I am not too concerned about them liking me or us bonding, I want them to have a good time and to have good, quality time with their dad. DP had looked up the swimming times and a roller-blading session to take them to on Friday evening and I suspect that the main problem is that he wants them to want to come down.

I didn't voice the socially awkward bit, btw! I am used to fairly confident, outgoing boys. DS has always had friends in and out, all rugby boys who like their games consoles but also get out and about a lot. What I am trying to say is that if I wasn't a parent myself or only had girls, maybe I wouldn't be in a position to compare. However, I've had boys in my household, sometimes 9-10 of them at once staying over, for as long as I can remember and I simply wasn't prepared for this being so difficult - the 'keeping them happy' and engaging bit in general, I mean.

You know - I think it all sounds like too much hassle and stress.
Is your DP and your relationship worth it?

OP, you aint cut out to be a step-mother. Do these poor kids a favour and get out of their lives. Dump your DP as you don't like him. You don't like his kids either. Your post is chilling.

"the 8yo" "the boy" - all your terms are so cold. I can easily imagine these two young boys hating the situation and not liking you.

Actually your op makes me angry.

Your potential step-sons deserve better.

In order to create and inclusive family with your partner's children, you need to get out of bed early yourself. Cook them some bacon and eggs and play badminton. Wise up. Or is your fifteen year old son so perfect he just doesn't compare?

grrrr

Is it your house they are coming to? I.e. was it yours before it was yours and your partner's house?

Shouldn't the dad be up with his kids rather than the OP? I think she is trying and bring kind. She wants to take it slowly which I think Is a good thing. OP you need to talk to your DP.

It's difficult to get a handle on the basic facts. Apologies if you have already said some of this, but can you clarify:

When did your partner separate from his ex?

When did they divorce (if they have yet)?

When did you two get together?

When did you first meet his children?

Whose house are they staying in?

OP you need to re-post this or have it moved to Step Parenting I think.

I think some people are being unfair.
It's dad's responsibility to deal with his children primarily and to spend time with them.

However, my DS is probably similar to the 8 year old and he often doesn't respond beyond a nod. Not all boys are outgoing, fgs.

I wonder if you are taking his mood personally, when it may actually have been caused by their dad.

I don't think you need to be their stepmum just yet. There's time to get closer and create bonds. Slowly.

Agree with vivacia we need to know more about the background - how long have you known your DP, are you living together or 'staying together occasionally'?

It must be horrible for the children to have to come and stay with their dad and be with his girlfriend as well.

What do you get out of the relationship? Your DP doesn't sound much of a catch if he lies in bed whilst his own children are visiting.

Re-reading your comments - yes, jump ship.

I can't get over the thought of a parent lying in bed until 10.30am - particularly when NR children are staying.

Our DS is 13 and we would always be up and about doing things, going places etc etc rather than having a lie in at weekends - surely that's what being a parent is?

Actually, the 8 year old being difficult may be a good sign.

DS only really plays up with people he trusts. Otherwise he's a nice boy.
And throwing the ball in your direction may well have been an invitation to join them.

Agree with Vivacia in that more info is needed but just the terms that the op uses to refer to the boys is very

She obviously doesn't like them.

Why is your partner insisting they hug you? It sounds too soon, actually.

And, yes, we need much more info.

UnlikelyAmazonian No it's not. You're projecting. In fact, in your post 21:19:23 you wrote "refer to the boys ..." and yet you apparently find this term insulting :S What is she supposed to type? They're not her step-sons so "DSS" wouldn't work. Typing "DP's 8/yo son" would get old. So knowing there are 2, differentiating with ages is perfectly appropriate. I think perhaps you need more forum time?

Also, she should NOT pander to the children and treat them any differently than she would her DS's friends (as that's as close a relationship as these kids have with her). Firstly because they are old enough to milk that to manipulate her, and secondly because it's not fair to her DS that she treats them differently.

OP - It reads to me like your DP is trying to play happy families WAY too quick (this is just the second stay at your place and all prior visits were at their mothers). I think he's scared that it isn't going to go well and his sons won't want to come anymore.

Aside from all that, the relationship with his ex and the chats they have... why? Have you asked him?

Why its ok for children to be rude and unfriendly is weird, it comes up regularly on MN, I think it must be former StepDCs justifying their stroppy behavior.

Move to the Step parenting thread OP, or just run like the wind which is what they will say there

Since this is a new arrangement, your partner should be taking the lead. Nothing you described about the behaviour of the boys sounds terrible, especially given the circumstances. I understand your desire and the effort you've put in but nobody is helped by your partner taking a back seat, especially when he thinks he can tell you off when it doesn't go to his liking.

Chill, you're the support not the main act.

It sounds as if your new partner is leaving a lot to you. The most important thing for them is knowing their dad is still 'their' dad. Perhaps suggest that next weekend he organises to spend time with just him & them, something they like doing.

I haven't been in your situation but I think things like this take a while to settle. The kids are bound to test you.

syko I bow to you.

You write

"they are old enough to milk that to manipulate her"

Yes you are so right. Shitty little 8 year old

It is hard getting to know step children, I remember it well , my dh is a lot older than me, I was 21 when we got together and he had 3 children aged between 3 and 10, the eldest was the hardest and the youngest (girl ) was much easier, she bonded with me straight away and was more interested in spending time with me than dh, the boys were harder, eldest was always grumpy unless he was getting his own way ( attention, money etc.. ), the first few times I met them we just took them out for a few hours and built the time up over a few weeks ( half a day, full day and then the night ). All settled down with the younger 2 but we always had problems with the eldest ( turned out he has possible Autism and now has mental health issues so I don't think it was anything we were doing wrong ), we also had the issue of their mother telling them nasty things about dh and slagging me off which didn't help matters. Having step children is hard work, you need to put a lot of effort in, you need to make the time with you as much fun as you can but they also need to know that there are times that won't be as much fun ( days where you don't take them out ). Give it time xxx

You do point out an awful lot of things to your boyfriend brilliante. Maybe he's cheesed off with being told what to do.

Is he as useless/ignoring with your fifteen year old son as you are with his kids?

Totally agree with marne