Dealing with DP's children

[StellaBrillante]

We've just had DP's boys over for the weekend. This was their 3rd time staying with us and I can't say it's gone particularly well.

From day 1, the youngest one seemed almost hostile and kept referring to a particular thing (very personal to me) as being 'rubbish'. I made a joke of it a couple of times and then chose to ignore it.

We all went to the pool, then had a picnic and ball game in the park. For the evening, I had bought a couple of board games to play with them. The youngest had been quite difficult all throughout the day, throwing the odd tantrum and constantly kicking the ball in our direction. It was all very odd and I couldn't see it coming as, to the best of my knowledge, nothing had happened.

Then this morning, I said 'good morning' and got no reply from either of them. The youngest one came into the kitchen, I asked him whether he had slept well and barely got a nod. Therefore, I thought I would leave them to it and decided to crack on with house chores, etc. When time came for DP to take them home, they just about managed to bring themselves to say 'bye'. Then, much to my shock, DP decided to have a go at me. Not in front of them, but he accused me of not giving them a warm hug or being more affectionate. I couldn't believe it! I made him sit down, explained the situation and that considering that I barely know them and that their own mum had told me that the youngest one is not keen on hugs, etc, I thought it best to leave them to it until they are comfortable. I also pointed out that I had gone out of my way to ensure that they had a good time with him, which is what really matters.

Their children aren't like my DS and his friends, and surely DP can see this??? It's a learning process for me too and, in my eyes, my role is to make sure that they were happy and felt as 'at home' as possible at their dad's home.

I also pointed out that if he knows that his children, especially the little one, are socially awkward, then it's down to him and his ex to work on it. Well, seeing that him and his ex are often to be found mailing and texting each other all sorts of unimportant things (don't ask!)... which is another issue in itself... Being in good terms with your ex is a good thing for the children but sending links for job vacancies 180 miles from where they currently live? What is the big plan here? To relocate them, go back to being a happy family and then remember to tell me? Or telling you ex what a nice slice cake you are having? How friendly is friendly? Anyway, I digress... Any advice on the children subject will be much appreciated.

Or maybe it's time to jump ship?!?!?!

Too cosy for my liking, btw! Others may see is as totally fine :-)

Unlikely, I mean simply that you are not in a position to predict or analyze OP's chances of relationship success, and that your comments are horrible. You are still continuing in the same vein (13 posts, really?), so you obviously have some sort of axe to grind here.

Unlikely, this thread is not about you. Take it elsewhere, unless you've got something constructive (and pleasant) to offer the OP.

Stella I think you sound very sensible about all of this. You're absolutely right in not pushing hugs on them, and your dp is showing a huge lack of awareness in having a go at you about it. Stick with it, if you feel that the relationship is worth it, and they will come out of their shells in due course.

Perhaps your dp is just doing a lot of projecting? He knows he was being a bit crap but far easier to argue with you about your perceived imperfections than look at his own laziness towards his dc?

We're all human and imperfect and we all project onto others...

The op doesn't think much of her partner (by her own admission), or know what to make of the relationship he has with his ex.

She ignores behaviour from his kids that she doesn't understand or cope with.

There's no communication on either side as she posts on here, no mention of discussing her worries with her partner.

She has no idea what step parenting is (It'd be interesting to hear what the 'step-children' concept is?) which is not necessarily a reflection on her - she is doing what she thinks is best.

Her ex lies in bed when his children are there - so maybe he isn't coping with any of it either....and yes, still not enough information.

Oh, my DS can fake cry. It is usually not in a manipulative way, but he can act crying and he has shown it to me.

I agree with this, actually:
I do think your dp and his ex sound a bit too over familiar , although everyone does have their own comfort level as it were. Perhaps this closeness rubs off onto the 8 year old, and subconsciously he sees his parents as a couple? After all, he won't remember them being any other way together , so in his mind he views them as being more together than they should be.

It is a possibility and I'd talk to your DP about it.

And that they may have found out about his dad being engaged through other people is a possibility for messing up with their heads.

I think you all need to start communicating more effectively, be more open about expectations and he needs to be honest with them, but also give them time to adapt.

In all of this, I thin the main problem is actually your partner. Towards both you and his own children.

I think things have moved too fast on the living together front.
14 months isn't long in the grand scheme of things.
Your DP would be much more sensible to live separately in his own place where he can have time with his DC, but you can all have time together on neutral territory.
It is likely that the Dc feel a bit awkward in "your" house.
Whose idea was it to move your DP into your home?

Hi Stella, my DSS was 9 when I first met him. DH and I had not been an item long but had known each other years. As DH came to live with me quite early on in our relationship contact with DSS came about quite early in our relationship.

To be honest I had no real clue and was trying my absolute best like you to make contact work for father and son.

But what I find quite different from our situation to yours is that DH did ALL the parenting and still does for his son. There was no expectations that I must do anything for DSS. He would get up when DSS got up, comfort him when ill etc, do all the discipline. I would cook for us all because I like to cook. Mostly I just left them to it.

DSS didn't say much to me for weeks, I imagine that staying at mine must have been very confusing for him.

But things that helped, I gave him a bedroom (when previously he was on a sofa bed with dad) we got him to pick the colour scheme and redecorated it. I would try my best to get out of the way for at least 50pct of the visit so as to give them chance to bond.

I would say it took about a year to get us on track. We have had no major barneys. I think this has more to do with how DH handled the situation more than anything.

I see this was the third time they've stayed over and that you didn't meet them until January, which is when their dad had moved in with you?

You and your partner have been together for 14 months.

I'm not going to comment on the relationship between your partner and his ex because I have no way of knowing what that is like.

But this all sounds like a lot and you have very great expectations of these young children.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. My children met him for a 2 hour lunch after 6 months; my daughter and I spent the day with him yesterday (she's nearly 8) but I was prepared to cut it short at any point, and it only lasted as long as it did because she was happy for it to do so, but even then, she barely said a word to him. She wasn't rude, but we both recognised that this is a strange situation for her. 'Children' are not a unique species, they are small people and I think that sometimes parents forget that they won't just plop comfortably into whatever life situation they are introduced to. They have to be watched and to be read and to be responded to. My boyfriend cooked dinner for us. She and I sat together and she was like a limpet! He sat away from us the whole time. It was quite clearly me and her and then he was also there. It was not me and him as a couple and my daughter was there. Oh, and my son point blank refused to go and has declared he will never have anything to do with him. Ever. (He's 15).

Your situation sounds like far too much for the children, to be honest. I can see you're making an effort, but actually, I think that what your partner's children need, at the moment, is for you to back off and for him to do all the arranging of things and for him to be the one doing stuff with them, not the two of you as a couple. He is their parent, you are not.

This is incredibly early days for everyone in every sense. Your relationsihp is very young, yet you are living together - which could be fine, but there are children involved. It reads that you didn't meet his children until he'd moved in with you and then, almost immediately, the children were expected to stay over at your house. This is the 4th time you have met them and they have a bedroom in your house. That must be mind blowing for them!!

They clearly want to be reassured that they haven't lost their dad. He already isn't as clearly defined as he should be because you are doing the stuff for them. He's living in your house. You have a child who is older than them.

You both need to see what this must look like to the children. Of course your son is handling it better, he is older and his world looks very much the same. Oh, and others have said, you have to talk to each other. He is key in this. It sounds as though you both kind of think his children need to know you accept them by doing stuff for them. When, actually, the opposite is more true. They need to feel that you and he respect their relationship with their dad and recognise it by backin off and letting them get on with it. It will develop naturally if you do that.

And I say that as a 'step child' albeit one that was an adult (18) when my parents split. I can't imagine how I'd have felt in your partner's children's position. I think I might have felt very resentful, uncertain about my place in it all and I might have wondered where my dad had gone, whether he still even gave a shit about me, why this woman was pretending to be my mum when I barely knew her, and I might even have thought that I could influence the situtation to my advantage if I completely ignored her, and if not, I could at least pretend it (she) wasn't an issue.

This is such a easy situation to get completely wrong and such a tricky one to get right.

But you and he need to talk and establish some boundaries. He can't leave you to do everything and then criticise how you've done something retrospectively. It doesn't work like that.

Thanks for the extra details. I agree with others saying this must have been incredibly awkward for the children, staying in your house, having to be so involved with you and it's only the third time they've met you. I can't help but think that they must have been incredibly disappointed to have spent so little time with their dad. Despite your best efforts.

I think the problem is neither you nor these children. It's your partner.

Perhaps your dp is just doing a lot of projecting? He knows he was being a bit crap but far easier to argue with you about your perceived imperfections than look at his own laziness towards his dc?

Random put into words what I was thinking. Your DP is quite content to let you do the donkey work, entertaining, catering.

During Easter, DS and I pulled all the stops, from designing a full on egg hunt for them to having all sorts of activities planned
I spoke to DP about putting pictures of them in the house or at the very least in their bedroom

FolkGirl is right, you need to back off a bit so their dad can step up.

Poor kids may be very wary of doing too much in the way of hugging/being pleasant if they get aggro back home. Ex may be grilling them or getting in a funny mood when they return. She may have been 'sending out messages' to say she is not happy the kids get to stay with her ex and YOU are there. Especially if she still seems friendly with ex. Maybe your partner was never a full on dad anyway and has decided you can do the lions share when the kids are around.

It is good that you let some things go because in my opinion there is nothing worse than making a child do something like hugging someone, especially if they don't like it. They may just not like doing it or be forced to do it or may feel hugs are for their mum only and they are being loyal.

It is something that takes time but if your DP seems to be not pulling his weight he can hardly have a go at you.