Dealing with DP's children

[StellaBrillante]

We've just had DP's boys over for the weekend. This was their 3rd time staying with us and I can't say it's gone particularly well.

From day 1, the youngest one seemed almost hostile and kept referring to a particular thing (very personal to me) as being 'rubbish'. I made a joke of it a couple of times and then chose to ignore it.

We all went to the pool, then had a picnic and ball game in the park. For the evening, I had bought a couple of board games to play with them. The youngest had been quite difficult all throughout the day, throwing the odd tantrum and constantly kicking the ball in our direction. It was all very odd and I couldn't see it coming as, to the best of my knowledge, nothing had happened.

Then this morning, I said 'good morning' and got no reply from either of them. The youngest one came into the kitchen, I asked him whether he had slept well and barely got a nod. Therefore, I thought I would leave them to it and decided to crack on with house chores, etc. When time came for DP to take them home, they just about managed to bring themselves to say 'bye'. Then, much to my shock, DP decided to have a go at me. Not in front of them, but he accused me of not giving them a warm hug or being more affectionate. I couldn't believe it! I made him sit down, explained the situation and that considering that I barely know them and that their own mum had told me that the youngest one is not keen on hugs, etc, I thought it best to leave them to it until they are comfortable. I also pointed out that I had gone out of my way to ensure that they had a good time with him, which is what really matters.

Their children aren't like my DS and his friends, and surely DP can see this??? It's a learning process for me too and, in my eyes, my role is to make sure that they were happy and felt as 'at home' as possible at their dad's home.

I also pointed out that if he knows that his children, especially the little one, are socially awkward, then it's down to him and his ex to work on it. Well, seeing that him and his ex are often to be found mailing and texting each other all sorts of unimportant things (don't ask!)... which is another issue in itself... Being in good terms with your ex is a good thing for the children but sending links for job vacancies 180 miles from where they currently live? What is the big plan here? To relocate them, go back to being a happy family and then remember to tell me? Or telling you ex what a nice slice cake you are having? How friendly is friendly? Anyway, I digress... Any advice on the children subject will be much appreciated.

Or maybe it's time to jump ship?!?!?!

Their behaviour sounds pretty normal to me and could be much worse since it's early days and they probably want their dad to themselves. The hug thing is inappropriate. I never make my children hug or kiss people. It's awful for the child.

I was a step parent for 15 years from the age of 25.

My advice..

1. lower your expectations

2. don't take anything personally

3. sort out your relationship with DP - his contact with his ex is obviously an issue for you. you need to be functioning as a team here and it doesn't sound as though you are

4. never compare these DC with your own, or friends visiting etc, because none of those children have been in this specific situation so you have no idea how they would behave in similar circumstances

Dirty has put it so much better.

OP, just go and repost in stepparenting. You'll still get some bizarre (projecting and assuming) responses, but you'll also get some good advice from ones who have been there.

For a first stayover I don't think it was a total disaster. Nobody rang mum in tears asking to be airlifted. DP could exert himself more, you felt unsupported.

It's not the same as having a load of DS' s pals round (stating the obvious) there's not the pressure of hoping you all click and get along nicely; you're a contemporary's parent not Dad's gf.

also to add - if they have been divorced 8 years and youngest is 8, and contact has always been at the ex's until now, then this must be a really wierd experience for both of them, especially the 8 year old who has never known any different.
I cant believe he was lying in bed until half 10 though, not if this is only the early days of having contact at his own place. Thats really not sending out a good message to the boys. And he shouldnt be making them hug you if they dont want to.

The relationship won't work.

They're both just pretending and neither knows what to do. "the 8yo" is stuck in the middle of two grown-ups who need to go their separate ways. Neither of you are ready or able to do the step-children concept. Do everyone a favour.

Lots of good points here, thank you ever so much!!

My only expectations is that I want them to go back home happy and feeling like they've had a good time with their dad. I have put myself out and this morning, it was an accident that I slept in until so late as I am early morning person - I put it down to having had a very long week at work. I LIKE waking up early and the thing I enjoy most about being a parent (as mentioned above) is doings things with DS and playing an active role in his life. Hence my reference to DP staying in bed until late. I didn't say anything but quite frankly, I thought it was appalling when he only sees them every other week. And to the comment about me not cooking them breakfast, I have in fact done a lot more than that, not only this weekend but during their previous two visits. During Easter, DS and I pulled all the stops, from designing a full on egg hunt for them to having all sorts of activities planned. When they came down previously, I was working all weekend but I still suggested little games for us to play together at the table in the evening, organised an evening trip to the cinema and joined them for a swimming session. However, seeing that it was their second visit, I also thought it was a great opportunity for them to get used to the idea of being down in his dad's new home and have the time alone with him.

Before the came for the first time and afterwards, I spoke to DP about putting pictures of them in the house or at the very least in their bedroom. For some strange reason, DP hasn't done anything about it and I can't force him. But by the same token, as mentioned about, he seems to expect that we'll all become this one happy family overnight.

I am not perfect and maybe I am not step-mother material. I will try the step-parenting post as that was mostly what I needed advice on. Actually, I do think that I am on the right track with that. I don't expect the kids to bond, I do know that it's confusing and strange for them, all of that is fine. However, I found DP having a go at me and NOT behaving like we are on the same side / as a team, a slap on the face. Even more so after I had spent £100 booking us all tickets for a performance in September!! No, it's not about the money but it's something that I think the boys will enjoy and which they haven't done before and I was all happy about it...SO, it was like a slap in the face!

There is manipulation there, in particular a lot of fake tears, but that's for the parents to sort out. As for referring to DP's children as the boys, not sure what else to call them? Do remember that I hardly know them myself although I could have used DS1 and DS2, true. Or maybe, I have put my defences up?

DP have been living together since January, in my house. DP and his ex separated / divorced about 8 years ago. We've been together for 14 months. I first met DP's DSs in January this year and it was in neutral territory - we just had a nice day out so not too much pressure on anyone. After that, we met when they came down for Easter and met DS for the first time - DS and I were shattered afterwards but it was great and it looked like the boys really enjoyed it. Second time they came down was when I was working but we still did stuff together; and then there was this weekend so still very early days.

Then there is the issue with the ex... probably more suitable to bring it up in this forum than the step-parenting one! Uncomfortable and confusing is how I see it...

Unlikely, you're hardly in a position, and there certainly isn't enough information here, to make such judgements about the OP's relationship.
It comes across as unkind and extremely unsupportive. Especially as you have now posted 7 times on this thread to jump down the OP's throat.

Maybe you need to give it more time op.

I do think their dad should be the one doing the cooking though and I really cannot understand the comment about cooking them bacon and eggs and playing badminton.

I do think your dp and his ex sound a bit too over familiar , although everyone does have their own comfort level as it were.
Perhaps this closeness rubs off onto the 8 year old, and subconsciously he sees his parents as a couple?

After all, he won't remember them being any other way together , so in his mind he views them as being more together than they should be.

Hope that makes sense. I wouldn't like my dp ringing/ texting his ex chatting about nice cakes in cafés.

Why won't the relationship work Unlikely? I think that is a bit premature.

I can't stand people who get in a relationship with someone with children and then treat the kids like crap and act like they don't like them at all, but I am not seeing that here yet. A lot of posters will see this is a step parenting thread and come to the worst conclusions based on very little though. So expect to get a lot of heat here.

You had a difficult visit. There will be lots of them. If you think you want a future with this man then you are going to need to go slowly and talk it all through with him. He needs to know that hugging children who don't want to be hugged isn't exactly helpful and you need to make sure you are on the same wavelength. I think it might be an idea for them not to stay at yours if that is an option and perhaps go on the odd trip out until they get to know you better.

You are human, it is ok to find it hard, and your actions were perfectly reasonable; you have done nothing wrong.

Give it time.

OP, you're being attacked, which is pointless and silly. Saying a child can only be the problem 1 per cent of the time is neither true nor helpful. Saying a child can't fake tears is ludicrous (altho an adult needs to work out why).

But your DSC don't sound to have been too bad, and you certainly don't. The main point here is that it's up to your DP to make sure things work, not you.

But take this as a chance to think about things, and how you want the relationship to go forward.

Give it a break Unlikely.

You know fuck all. You must have a crystal ball and know the OP personally to make all these assumptions.

You just look like you are out to attack instead of actually offering any advice.

How many other relationships has he had in the last 8 years?

It'd be interesting to hear what the 'step-children' concept is? My DS gets on really well with my ex's girlfriend. I don't believe there's ever been a problem and DS always comments how nice her family is too. It's all about setting boundaries, encouraging mutual respect and the adults being on the same side, surely? It's not going to happen overnight and there's no magic formula but, in principle, we should all be able to do it. Also, let's not forget that this children have't got a mum and dad who are both involved in their lives, so it's not the case of me trying to raise somebody else's child. Yes, there probably will be situations some time down the line when I will need to tell them off but that's with any child - even DS' teenage friends get a telling off every so often even though by now they ought to know better ;-)

Back to the ex... I have no idea what to make of it! There's a part of me that things that DP likes to keep the link (beyond the parenting) as an ego boost. From certain things, I get the impression that she still holds a torch for him and to some extent, he enjoys it. Unfortunately, my ex and I don't get on at all so I have no idea where you draw the line with regard to contact. Is emailing your ex mid afternoon to tell her that you've just sat down with a cake and a coffee too much or normal if you too have kept a good relationship? Would he see it the same way if it was me having that sort of conversation with my ex? I don't know what to make of it, tbh. More recently (3 months ago), DP proposed but I then found out last month that the ex and the children don't know. I was horrified as by then they had already been down for Easter, when we had a bbq and friends over one day, and all it wouldn't have taken much for somebody to ask an totally innocent question about wedding plans etc - all I could think afterwards was how the children would have felt if they had first heard about it that way! And how I would have felt suddenly realising that they were none the wiser... This whole thing is a mess, isn't it?

Vacillator please give examples of the step-parenting posts I have become agitated on. Ta

Also brdgrl you write you are hardly in a position. What do you mean?

I have no idea about step-parenting? Is that what you mean?

But they split up /divorced 8 years ago. So the youngest 'boy' was about 1?

Has he had no reklationships until you, since then? What about his ex wife?

Why did they split up when their children were babies?

I think you sound naive OP and over zealous and trying to hard. He doesn't sound worth it - but his poor kids are stuck in the middle of a nightmare.

unlikely you are being unhelpful and v critical Why don't you go and be negative somewhere else.

OP I feel for you. I was a step mum from 18 years old until I was 27, it was v v hard indeed, but it got easier when we finally bonded! Give it time. My step son was unbelievably difficult and v v naughty but I recently was back in touch with my ex (purely as friends) and his son, who is now in his twenties, said he remembers me fondly, which was really great to hear because I remember a lot of angst and difficult times and thought he would have bad memories of me, but I really did try my best with him. You too are doing your best by the sound of it, but your DP needs to support you more. Good luck!

Why do you think I sound naive?

The youngest son was a baby. DP has had a couple of relationships but only one was more serious, which lasted about 3 years. No idea what his ex has been up to but she hasn't got anyone.

DP says that they grew apart...separated...tried again and then divorced.

Why do you say that his kids are stuck in the middle of a nightmare? It appears that they had a great weekend (go figure!), they see their dad regularly (still not ideal in my eyes but more than many children out there, including my own) and they seem to have a loving home environment with their mum. The parents maybe a bit too cosy but the positive is that they get on well - again, unlike many divorced couples who spend most of their time at each other's throats.