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Relationships

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Original poster

DH getting a thrill from texts to OW

56 replies

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 09:54

For the third time in as many months I caught my DH sending what I would consider flirty messages to other women.

We have 3 DCs under 8, the youngest is 2 yrs. I have found our youngest incredibly hard work and as a result of his not sleeping very well e.t.c. I have had little time for DH. I have been so tired that sex has been scarce and I have honestly not been in the mood very often. Our relationship has been strained for a while now, most arguments starting when DH complains about lack of sex life.

I looked at his facebook messages and a woman had been messaging him, he had deleted some messages but not all. I told him and he said he had been stupid and would not do it again. A few weeks later he was still messaging her but unsuccessfully deleting them before I saw them. I confronted him again and he apologised again. We talked and I thought I made it clear that I was hurt and he said it would not happen again.

We started to get on better and I thought we were making progress but last week I found texts on his phone to a different woman. I confronted him immediately (just before he was due to go away for a few days) and he has apologised non-stop since. He says that he liked the attention she was giving him and that he is sorry and does not want our marriage to end.

I feel numb. It doesn't feel the same anymore. He is a hardworking man who is wonderful with our DCs. I love him very much.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/07/2014 09:56

Pathetic twat! He's not going to stop is he? He knows he's out of order but he doesn't care enough to stop it.

LabradorMama · 13/07/2014 09:58

Wow. Well you've expressed displeasure twice but taken no action so I'd fully expect him to continue - you've kind of given him permission haven't you?
Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. You obviously (quite rightly) don't trust him but then I'm not a patient person and won't tolerate being made a fool of.
I'm not surprised it doesn't feel the same anymore. I'd be expecting a bit of support and understanding at the minute and instead he's off getting his jollies by betraying you, despite knowing it hurts you.
Sorry OP

Hickorydickory12 · 13/07/2014 09:58

What sort of texts are they? And who are the women.
Sounds as if he is getting a thrill from the attention. We all would! But iris wrong when you are married and your dw is struggling with the dc.
What do you want to do?

Coconutty · 13/07/2014 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CanaryYellow · 13/07/2014 10:05

Given that you've now caught him out 3 times, it's probably going to take more than "confronting him" to get him to stop.

Personally I'd tell him to pack a bag and fuck off while I considered if I wanted to continue a relationship with him.

He's not sorry you're hurt, he's only sorry he got caught.

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 10:06

The texts are flirty banter of the sort that you would perhaps send someone you were just starting a relationship with, they were getting more suggestive all the time. One woman he knew from years ago at school the other he has met at a place he visits every day due to work. I don't really know what to do but I do agree that if I take no action then he will see it as a green light to carry on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 10:08

I want to tell him I need space to consider how I feel but I am so worried about the DCs. My childhood was a mess and I absolutely do not want that to happen to DCs.

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HappyGoLuckyGirl · 13/07/2014 10:09

Pack him a bag. And by pack I mean chuck some shit in a bin bag. Give him said bin bag and tell him to fuck off.

My ex did this for 4 years. He won't stop doing it...these men need to do it to feel good.

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 10:14

My gut feeling is that he is only sorry he got caught. I wasn't going to confront him before he went away for a few days but I had to because I couldn't bear the thought of him texting her whilst he was away.

OP posts:

CanaryYellow · 13/07/2014 10:14

You said in your first post that he was due to go away for a few days. So send him off and tell the children he's working away.

I'd also tell him that if anyone (like his family or yours) asks, you'll be informing them of exactly why you've booted him out (even if your have no intention of telling anyone).

At this moment he's desperately hoping this will all be kept quiet and it will blow over.

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 10:17

He has been away and got back a few days ago. I was pleased he was away but even after a few days thinking I am still undecided as to what I want to do.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 13/07/2014 10:33

I think he will carry on. There are no consequences so there is no reason for him to stop.

He likes the attention and the feeling of being attractive and sought after by other women. He has prioritised this feeling over your wellbeing three times, that you know of.

The only way to really make him think twice would be to separate. Give him the 'freedom that he wants so bad' and let him decide if he really wants to be in a committed relationship.

Personally, I wouldn't have him back. But if you want to try and make it work you have to tell him to leave.

Hickorydickory12 · 13/07/2014 10:34

You need to make it clear that you will no longer put up with this crap. Asking him and showing you're hurt hasn't worked. I think your option is to ask him to go while you consider what you want to do (even if you know he will come back). You will not be treated so poorly as you are his dw and deserve more respect.

Montegomongoose · 13/07/2014 10:38

My childhood was a mess and I absolutely do not want that to happen to DCs

Poor you, so sorry.

Your childhood possibly left you with low self esteem and so you are more conditioned to put up with this disrespectful behaviour. I urge you to seek counselling and explore why you are reluctant to give an ultimatum, especially after repeated insulting behaviour from your H.

Your DCs will not thank you for bringing then up in a family where this kind of behaviour is bubbling away unresolved.

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 10:43

Thank you all for your comments. I actually thought I was overreacting and was beginning to doubt myself. I know he has not actually done the deed with someone else ( that I know of) but I feel betrayed all the same. I do know what I need to do, I just never thought I would find myself having to make these decisions.

OP posts:

knickernicker · 13/07/2014 10:47

He will carry on forever. This is the sort of person he is. Even if you had a renewed sex life he would still do this. You need to consider whether you want a life with someone who is unfaithful.

Badvoc2 · 13/07/2014 10:53

He won't stop.
I'm sorry op

Lovingfreedom · 13/07/2014 11:01

...he sounds like a needy prick to me who is lapping up female attention wherever he can get it. He's not going to change. Who knows if he's cheated, or if he would given the chance. It's really up to you whether you want to carry on living with this sad pathetic loser man given what you now know about him, or whether you want to go it alone.

Butterflyspring · 13/07/2014 11:07

I agree - there are no consequences and he doesn't want to stop.

You cannot be sure that this hasn't gone further though can you.

I know you deserve better and hope you find the courage to ask him to leave.

ravenmum · 13/07/2014 11:54

Recently found out about my husband's affair. At first, I found one text from him which was quite flirty, and confronted him - he said that I didn't understand the context, it was just a joke, he was just enjoying a bit of attention as I didn't give him any, etc.

Then I discovered a stash of emails with all the details of his affair. It started out with flirty texting and emails which got increasingly erotic, after which they started sleeping together, gradually working up to even going on holidays (without my knowledge obviously) and him telling her all sorts of nasty bollocks about me.

Now (after he moved out) I've come across a load of emails to another woman, from 4 years ago. Not sure if he slept with her or not but he was clearly trying to get her to talk dirty to him, even when she got herself a boyfriend, and gave her advice on how to spice up her relationship with her boyfriend sexually which included some of the things that he later did with his later mistress. She wrote to him about what he and I did in bed, using my name. I didn't even know of her at the time.

He wrote to the last woman that he would find it exciting to invite her to a BBQ at our house, as a work colleague, without my knowing what was going on. She declined - but a year before, he invited another work colleague to a BBQ at ours. I now realise it was the first woman. So he'd done it once, found it exciting, and wanted to do it again.

I also found photos of a couple more women, and can only presume that he did something similar with them. I would never have believed he could do such a thing. He seemed like a nice, honest and decent man. No excess drink, no swearing, responsible job, well educated, well spoken, all that kind of thing. It's only halfway through his last affair that I realised anything was wrong at all.

HumblePieMonster · 13/07/2014 12:14

Oh dear. He has flirty relationships with two women that you know about, and he 'goes away for a few days'.

I'd be suspicious.

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 12:49

So sorry to hear that raven. I wonder what would have happened with my DH if I hadn't found out when I did. Although based on his actions before he may well not stop this time either.

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ravenmum · 13/07/2014 13:19

I clearly now see a sex-obsessed liar in every smiling face, so I'd assume he was still doing it all along, but with greater secrecy.

Taking the more positive scenario that he might have actually been scared off, is this the kind of man you want to be with?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 13/07/2014 13:31

I read Shirley Glasses book called Not Just Friends when my exs affair came out. I not only found it illuminating but realised my marriage wasn't salvageable through reading it. I thank God mn recommended that book to me now.

You sound a bit like I did. Ending a marriage is a huge step and you're possibly hoping he'll stop doing this now I think? I know looking back I wanted to know I'd tried everything to save my marriage before I ended it. Perhaps you're the same?

However if he starts changing passwords, hides his phone or takes it with him wherever he goes, hides bank statements etc. You know you have a bigger problem on your hands than you thought. He needs to be transparent with you now.

My ex was having a full blown affair. It started as texts and fb messages though. I tried to tell him how inappropriate it was a number of times, long before it became a full affair.

Towards the end I had such a level of distrust of him, if he was out I couldn't sleep as I constantly wondered if he was where he said he was. It affected my parenting too as I was so stressed.

Don't let it get to that stage. You deserve more.

Original poster

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 13:41

Thanks Dont, I will have a look at the book. I am wavering between believing he will not do it again to distrusting him so much I cannot see a way forward from here for us.

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