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Original poster

DH getting a thrill from texts to OW

56 replies

Beeboles · 13/07/2014 09:54

For the third time in as many months I caught my DH sending what I would consider flirty messages to other women.

We have 3 DCs under 8, the youngest is 2 yrs. I have found our youngest incredibly hard work and as a result of his not sleeping very well e.t.c. I have had little time for DH. I have been so tired that sex has been scarce and I have honestly not been in the mood very often. Our relationship has been strained for a while now, most arguments starting when DH complains about lack of sex life.

I looked at his facebook messages and a woman had been messaging him, he had deleted some messages but not all. I told him and he said he had been stupid and would not do it again. A few weeks later he was still messaging her but unsuccessfully deleting them before I saw them. I confronted him again and he apologised again. We talked and I thought I made it clear that I was hurt and he said it would not happen again.

We started to get on better and I thought we were making progress but last week I found texts on his phone to a different woman. I confronted him immediately (just before he was due to go away for a few days) and he has apologised non-stop since. He says that he liked the attention she was giving him and that he is sorry and does not want our marriage to end.

I feel numb. It doesn't feel the same anymore. He is a hardworking man who is wonderful with our DCs. I love him very much.

OP posts:
Gfplux · 13/07/2014 13:51

He is very, very sorry you found out.
Sorry, He will do it again unless you lay the law down. This is clearly a case where you have to be controlling. He can only be trusted if he has to be completely open. So he must show you his phone and computers every day, that they are clean of this sort of behaviour. Also keep your eyes open for use of a spare phone or other chatting devise.

HappyGirlNow · 13/07/2014 14:11

Don't know that there's much point if you have to check his devices like he's a child. If you do that he'll only get another phone with a PAYG sim - I am speaking from the experience of a previous relationship..

I'm sorry you're going through this but how can you believe him when he's already lied twice about stopping and even having full access to the devices you know about won't prove he's not continuing..

The only way you can deal with this is to kick him out and the shock could make him stop.. But again, even if it does how can you trust?

Butterflyspring · 13/07/2014 14:18

you cannot spend the rest of your life checking his phones and devices - how on earth would that work? He will just hide it better.

Lovingfreedom · 13/07/2014 14:25

Either he's the flirty but basically harmless bit of a needy prat you might decide you can put up with, or you've uncovered the tip of the iceberg and he's more seriously unfaithful. The option of him changing is, I think, highly unlikely.

StickyEmInTheRibs · 13/07/2014 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

creamandsugar · 13/07/2014 14:43

I would agree with butterflyspring, you can't spend your life checking,but even if you could ,he might just use it as a way to remember to delete his texts,computer history,etc.
It's an awful situation to be in. He's been caught 3 times.if you gave him another chance, what would you do if you caught him a 4th?
Because 3rd or 4th time,I dont think there's much of a difference. Way too many times.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/07/2014 14:59

That is how my exes affair started out, friendly texts, she was all nicey to me, then it went down a slippery slope, I told him it was disgusting, how would he feel if i was doing that, eventually he left me and our 18 month the day I overdosed (I was so depressed), going 300 miles to his fancy woman.

Kicker is, she didnt wanna leave her husband after all.

But hey ho, he's a dickhead and 5 years later, I'm so glad he's gone. And Yes, he did try to get back with me, I had too much respect for myself.

Lovingfreedom · 13/07/2014 17:14

I'm firmly in a LTB camp as a rule...however...I know quite a few dickheads guys who carry on like this with the flirting and so on and don't take it further. I wouldn't want to be married to one but if, say, someone was completely set up with one domestically and financially then as long as they recognise they married a dickhead and don't expect them to change then maybe it could work?

AnyFucker · 13/07/2014 19:35

3 strikes ?

Why are you still with him ? He ain't going to stop and it seems clear to me that what you know for sure has happened is likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2014 19:35

3 strikes ?

Why are you still with him ? He ain't going to stop and it seems clear to me that what you know for sure has happened is likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

Lovingfreedom · 13/07/2014 19:52

He's def not going to change. Why would he/should he?

Lweji · 13/07/2014 20:00

You can decide to break up, but the responsibility will be his. His actions caused it.
He will have done it to the children.

He has had enough chances and he kept at it. And he will, pushing it further and further.

At some point they will grow and find out their dad is cheating and won't thank you.
You can't fully protect them from someone else's actions.

And you certainly shouldn't negate your feelings on this. It is your relationship.
If you split, they will still have their dad.
If you don't and he keeps going, you'll damage yourself.

Fairy13 · 13/07/2014 20:10

Life is too short to be with someone like this OP.

Kick him out.

Itsfab · 13/07/2014 20:14

You need to work on your self esteem to realise you don't need a man to survive and you are doing your children no favours by staying with an unfaithful, disrespectful prick so don't use them as an excuse.

bossy71 · 14/07/2014 03:12

This reply has been deleted

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Dirtybadger · 14/07/2014 03:23

My ex did this for over 3 year. Serial thrill seeker/cheat. Got caught out lots of time. He stopped eventually (maybe?) but I then discovered that 18 months previously he had been "webcamming" with one of the women. He had the opportunity to tell me this, but hadn't. He had an ultimatum and I moved out for a few weeks. Nothing changed. The only reason I say he stopped is because I stopped finding evidence (because he got better at deleting all his message histories, not particularly innocent action).

He might stop. But he probably won't. There's no guarantee you'll have any way of knowing. How will you decide when to stop checking up? It will almost certainly escalate if it continues. These women may be using him to boost their own self esteem but it's just as likely they have an end game. Will he turn it down? Really?

I am much happier alone. I don't have to check internet histories, texts, etc and I have no weird panics about my sexual health on the off chance he went through with anything...

Original poster
Beeboles · 14/07/2014 07:43

Thanks for taking time to reply. It has been really helpful and made me realise I am not overreacting about this. He has been staying at home but we have been sleeping separately. We have been civil in front of the children but I have avoided him when we have been at home together. I don't feel like I have anything more to ask him/say to him. I guess I just have to make a decision and stick to it. I feel like I won't be able to trust him again. He has set off for work already this morning and I am already wondering what will happen if he bumps into her this morning. Not a very good way to live my life, worrying about him all the time. If it wasn't for the kids I would have already ended it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeboles · 14/07/2014 07:49

Also, I have been a SAHM for 8 years now and i worry about the financial implications of a split. The house is in both names. I have no real savings of my own. I have no family nearby to help with childcare and neither does he. The kids have never really been looked after by anyone else. I don't really want to put the youngest into childcare but i would have to in order to work to support myself and the kids. I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
ThingyTheBusCleaner · 14/07/2014 07:51

It's a short hop from flirty texts to leaping into bed with an OW ime.

He should be treating this as a wake up call to show you how much he values your marriage and how much he wants to work on making things better with you.

The fact that you've caught him out 3 times makes me wonder how many other times you haven't managed to catch him.

foreverforaging · 14/07/2014 08:16

Acknowledge your feelings. They are valid and no one can tell you how you feel. Only you know.

I often read posts on the relationship forum and have come to the conclusion that 99% of men will go on to re-offend if given second, third, fourth, fifth chances. I wish I had this knowledge when I was with XP as I would have kicked him to the kerb straight away.

Lots of lovely ladies on here who have been through similar to you (SAHM with several kids and no savings) so I am sure they will be able to share their positive stories on surviving going forward.

Leaving him is a no brainer I think. Best of luck.

Fairenuff · 14/07/2014 08:30

Whatever you do OP, don't contact Bossy via that email. You have enough to sort out without getting involved with dodgy strangers on t'internet.

DrJuno · 14/07/2014 08:46

I see the spell spammer is back.

I have reported

Fairy13 · 14/07/2014 08:50

Yeah I reported Bossy too

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 09:10

Please don't anyone click the link, but I do wonder where it takes you Confused

Pancakeflipper · 14/07/2014 09:21

Bee, do not feel guilt/blame for your lack of interest I. Sex due to your young child being hard work. My youngest was and is still hard work (but boy he's also amazing) and it has a knock on effect on a relationship when knackered, feeling low, fed up and like it's endless.

But it does not give him the right to seek attention else where to boost his ego.

Whatever you do, when it all feels immense (especially the practical stuff) just remember things change, children grow, problems like childcare somehow get resolved (but you have to put the effort into finding the solutions). And you will be fine. And once you get over the heartbreak, anger, disappointment of this is not what you wanted your life to be - then that's when you will see positives again.