Ex took ds to stay at his girlfriend's house without telling me, raging!

[pickledparsnip]

DS stays at his dad's for a night every week, has done for ages now. We are both in new relationships, his more recent than mine. I was incredibly considerate of his feeling when mine began (he was jealous & happily told me so). My bf was introduced slowly to my son and after quite a while, as I didn't want to confuse him and wanted to make sure I definitely wanted to be with bf. Ex on the other hand introduced his current gf to ds one weekend, as she joined them on a holiday that was supposed to be just him and ds.

He gets one night and the next full day with ds a week (plus other visits), and he now has gf there every time too. Ds has told me he wishes it were just him and his dad, but ex doesn't want to hear it. It upsets me that he doesn't want to give ds all his attention as gf spends all day with them too.

Ds came back today and told me that he stayed at daddy's gf's house last night. Ex and I had discussed it before and I said that it is not something I want to happen right now. I am angry that he didn't tell me about it. Fuming. He says that ds is supposed to stay with him, wherever that may be. I disagree. I am his mother and want to know where he is staying. Ds is nearly 5.

Am I overreacting? Please help me to make sense of it all. I am always so fucking considerate of his feelings, and he never is of mine. I am a mug.

I have found ex's relationship with gf hard to take. Not that I want to be with ex, but that they seem to be playing happy families with our son. Seeing them all drive off for weekends together is especially hard. As long as ds is happy though I shouldn't have a problem, right? Except that he's not.

It sounds like you have been very careful to put your son's needs first when entering a new relationship and it's a shame that your ex isn't doing the same thing.

However, when your ds is with him, your ex is allowed to make decisions on his behalf such as where they stay. He doesn't need your permission, nor do you have the right to veto who your ex sees, or where he and your ds spend time.

What you mean is that he didnt ask you, rather than disnt tell you.

You are his mother, yes. However his contact is with his dad, his other parent so there is no need for you to know where DS is saying as one of his parents not only knows, but is staying with him there.

You are over reacting. This is a knee jerk reaction to your EX taking another step away from his relationship that was with you and that is not pleasant but inevitable. You need to let go of these possesive feelings if both your exp and your ds's time with his dad. You arent the boss over what happens when ds is with his dad.

Fuck. I was afraid someone would say that. Maybe that's what I need to hear. Thank you.

I just want to know where he is sleeping. I thought that was reasonable. He has always put the same conditions on me and I have happily obliged. I was upset that he didn't apply the same to him.

It may be his right to do it, but it doesn't mean it is the right thing for him to do! From what you say, he is being selfish and inconsiderate towards ds and you, and hypocritical given the consideration he expected from you when you began your new relationship. I don't think being concerned for your ds, and hurt and outraged for yourself is unreasonable at all, but I don't see what you can do about it, apart from express your view calmly to XP and try to support your son and rise above your anger. I would be mad too.

I'm sorry, it sounds really hard for you right now.

Whether it's reasonable or not for you to know where your ds is sleeping, you don't have the right to know and cannot insist on it. You really do need to disengage from your feelings about your ex and how he is not being as fair as you were.

If your son is safe when with his father then IMO it does not matter who else is in his company as long as they are safe too. Just say the gf was - ex dp sister, you probably wouldn't mind her presence but just because its his gf you do.

Let it go.

He has always put the same conditions on me and I have happily obliged.

So stop obliging. You dont have to and he isnt returning it so stop doing it.

Take a breath. The fact is that there's nothing you can do about it.

Your DH doesn't need your permission or agreement to have his gf spend time with him and his DS, or to sleep at the gf's house.

Your DS will be picking up on your anger and frustration, no matter how well you think you're hiding it.

But OP is saying her DS isn't happy with his dad's gf being there all the time. Surely as his mum (and he's still so young), isn't it her business if her DS is unhappy?

I guess as his mother I presumed it was my right to know where our boy was. I am the main person in his life, the person who looks after him.
I am trying to accept that is not the case. Thank you.

I really do have to stop obliging, you are right STOP

That's what I though Curt
He is still little and I could understand and accept it more if he was older.

You don't need to pussyfoot around your ex as much as you do.

You don't have the right to veto your ex taking his DS to his girlfriends, even if you think it's the wrong thing to do.

Your ex gets no say in your life now, and vice versa.

I have been way too accommodating where ex is concerned. I have always wanted things to be as smooth as possible for ds. To the extent that ex comes to our house twice a week to hang out with ds and put him to bed. It works when ex isn't being a prick, but when he is it is hard. I have things to do in the eve, so it's ok with me as I go out, but has been hard in the past having him in the house.

I know that he probably shouldn't be coming in the house like that, but ds is used to it now. When ex gets in a strop about something, he doesn't come in the house and sulks, then ds gets upset as he wants ex to put him to bed. It is a ridiculous situation.

He moved out over 2.5 years ago, but we were sleeping together until last Summer. It was all a bit messed up, but we were trying to get on better but live apart. It worked for a time.

I pushed like mad for him to see ds regularly (he was crap at the beginning), and made it as easy for him as possible to see him whenever.

It is so tough. Other posters are right, when he is with his Dad it is his Dad's responsibility, and that is so difficult when your exh does things in a way which is different - whether that is what they eat, or what time they go to bed, or who they meet and where they stay.

And ultimately, those kind of differences between you (not those specific ones) are part of why you and exh are not together.

Could you suggest to exh that there are a couple of things that he and ds go together, just the two of them - a football match, or an occasional meal out. Not to exclude the gf from everything, but rather to make ds feel that sometimes he is the centre of attention for a couple of hours?

What a mess. I should have put more boundaries in place from the beginning. The good thing is that ex sees ds far more living away from him, than when were together.

I just hate that he is so fucking inconsiderate. He is so selfish with his time and contact with ds is always on his terms. He has less time for him now he is seeing someone.

I think you need to re-think the current arrangment of your ex coming round to put ds to bed etc, given that you are subject to his whims and moods and therefore so is your ds. It muddies the relationship between you and confuses and upsets your ds.

I would suggest drawing up an agreement with him and possibly a solicitor if necessary stating what the contact/access arrangements are.

That is a good idea venus thanks.

I'm sorry but I don't go for all this 'you have no right' bullshit. You wouldn't let a grandparent/family member/school take your DC to stay somewhere without knowing where they'd be (especially so young). But it's ok for ex to take DC to stay with a new gf, complete unknown quantity, and you're supposed to trust her with your barely 5yo unquestioningly?? And knowing your DS isn't happy there?

So do we as the resident parent give up our parental responsibility when we hand our DC over to our ex? I'm sorry pickled, that's not very helpful but I absolutely agree with why you're cross.

I really am trying to get my head around the idea of being ok with not knowing where he is staying. I am finding that very hard.