Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex took ds to stay at his girlfriend's house without telling me, raging!

78 replies

pickledparsnip · 12/07/2014 21:57

DS stays at his dad's for a night every week, has done for ages now. We are both in new relationships, his more recent than mine. I was incredibly considerate of his feeling when mine began (he was jealous & happily told me so). My bf was introduced slowly to my son and after quite a while, as I didn't want to confuse him and wanted to make sure I definitely wanted to be with bf. Ex on the other hand introduced his current gf to ds one weekend, as she joined them on a holiday that was supposed to be just him and ds.

He gets one night and the next full day with ds a week (plus other visits), and he now has gf there every time too. Ds has told me he wishes it were just him and his dad, but ex doesn't want to hear it. It upsets me that he doesn't want to give ds all his attention as gf spends all day with them too.

Ds came back today and told me that he stayed at daddy's gf's house last night. Ex and I had discussed it before and I said that it is not something I want to happen right now. I am angry that he didn't tell me about it. Fuming. He says that ds is supposed to stay with him, wherever that may be. I disagree. I am his mother and want to know where he is staying. Ds is nearly 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/07/2014 22:36

No apology needed CurtWild.

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/07/2014 22:39

It makes me hugely uncomfortable. It may be irrational, but it is how I feel.

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 22:43

Oh I so understand how you feel. I was like that too.

But really, honestly, seriously, you have to keep out of it. He is his other parent. He can do what he likes on his time. You really don't need to know where he sleeps.

I know it's fucking horrible, trust me, been there done that. If I had had a phone call saying my ex was dead I'd have had a party. But, you need to step back. Hand him over once a week and let go.

Sorry Sad

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/07/2014 22:47

monkeyfacegrace has it got better over time?

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 22:53

Yes. Much. The first 2 years was the worst. Even though I had a new man and a new baby, I still HATED handing her over. She was mine. He left us, he broke the family, yet I still had to suffer. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to sit alone, miserable and sad.

But life goes on. I was 19 at the time, and still managed to eventually get a grip.

I made my now DH do handover and collection. I didn't want to know any details. I did have the luxury of knowing wherever she was she was safe though, even though I fucking hated him, I knew she was safe and he loved her.

I didn't want to see him, hear from him, anything.

Time is a healer. Now she is 8, she has her own phone so arranges her own contact. They have free reign to do as they wish. She just walzes out the door when he collects her, and bustles back in when he drops her off.

I'm happy, but more importantly, she is entirely unaware and unaffected by her start in life. We have pulled it together and she knows she has a mummy and daddy who love her very much.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 12/07/2014 22:53

Curtwild- the ex isnt a grandparent or anyone else. He is the child's father and has equal parental responsibility as OP. Op may do more physical caring of the child but in terms of decision making they both get to make these decisions and OP's feelings dont override the child's father's. he does have the right to decide where his son sleeps on his contact days and he doesnt have any obligtion to inform OP of that decision, nor does OP have to inform him if she take her son to stay somewhere else for a night.

CanaryYellow · 12/07/2014 22:58

You wouldn't let a grandparent/family member/school take your DC to stay somewhere without knowing where they'd be

Of course not, because grandparents/family members/school don't have parental responsibility.

So do we as the resident parent give up our parental responsibility when we hand our DC over to our ex

I'm presuming the ex has parental responsibility too. So when it's "his time" with the child then it's up to him to protect and maintain the child. Unfortunately, that includes choosing to introduce them to new girlfriends and staying over at her place.

Of course, if the OP has serious and legitimate concerns that your ex is not protecting and maintaining the child, then that's an entirely different matter.

CurtWild · 12/07/2014 23:01

So it's ok if, for example, ex's gf has no bed for OP's DS and he has to sleep on the floor? That's ok, because he's on the ex's time?

(obviously that's not happening, just using that as an example)

And yes, the ex has parental responsibility and rights, but does OP give hers up at hand over? Is she supoosed to switch it off?

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/07/2014 23:02

That is good monkeyfacegrace I am pleased for you. It is comforting to hear. Thank you.

I am now seeing the most incredible man. He is the complete opposite to ex, no emotional abuse, is kind and gentle, very grounded. I am happy in that respect, just not where my ex is concerned. Fuck me it is hard. Time is a great healer though, eh?

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 23:04

Curt, obviously no bed is not okay, but it's not any more a concern that any other child in the world. he is under his dad's care His dad ultimately has to be trusted to make the call.

And yes, to an extent, the op does have to switch off at handover.

monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 23:06

pickled my new partner was amazing too. Utterly incredible in fact. But, that's didn't stop the anger, the hurt, and the frustration. I didn't just want to be happy, I actively wanted him to be unhappy. Is this sounding familiar?

But yes, clichéd as it is, time really really does heal.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 12/07/2014 23:09

So it's ok if, for example, ex's gf has no bed for OP's DS and he has to sleep on the floor? That's ok, because he's on the ex's time?

Confused why are you being ridiculous? You could come up with all sorts of scenarios but they arent the case so completely pointless to suggest them. Deal with the info infront of you instead of making up hypothetical problems that dont exist.

CurtWild · 12/07/2014 23:10

It's quite ironic really. Many marriages end because our OH has proven themselves to be completely untrustworthy and irresponsible. And then after the separation we have to 'trust' them with the most precious things in our lives.

Hope it gets easier for you pickled Flowers

monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 23:13

No, many marriages end because partners (both sexes) prove to be utterly shit at being a partner.

No reflection on their parenting skills.

If a marriage breaks up because one parent batters a child, it's a whole different scenario.

Stop being dramatic.

CurtWild · 12/07/2014 23:13

STOP I clearly stated this was an example and not OP's situation, and the example was purely in response to PP saying that while DC are on the ex's time, where they sleep is none of the resident parent's business.

monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 23:14

stop hello again. We seem to be in agreement tonight. That never happens with me Grin

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/07/2014 23:16

Right now I would be pretty happy if he was miserable, but generally no. I do want him to be ok. He has this ridiculous emotional hold over me that it slowly becoming less. He does very well to make me feel bad, really turns the guilt on when things are bad, and then I in turn feel awful.

When he found out about that I was seeing someone he really turned on the guilt. I suddenly hadn't tried enough with our relationship, I had given up and didn't care. Fucker. Months before I had asked him to give it another go and he didn't want to know because he was seeing someone.

If only he cared that much about my feelings. I need to turn it off, I know I do. His feelings have got fuck all to do with me anymore. I have sobbed in front of him many times, he has looked down at me and called me mental, and walked away. I shouldn't give a fuck about him, yet I do. Fucked up.

OP posts:
CurtWild · 12/07/2014 23:16

I didn't say battered and I'm certainly not being dramatic. Many threads on here are full of trust lost = end of relationship, so many marriages do fail because of that.

CanaryYellow · 12/07/2014 23:16

Curt - in the nicest possible way, you need to take a breath too.

There's absolutely nothing the OP can do about this so fuelling her anger and winding her up even further with silly hypothetical situations isn't helping.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 12/07/2014 23:17

Well if we are talking hypothetically then do all resident parents have to allow NRPs to check their bedding every evening before dcs go to bed? Should i allow my EXP access to my house at 7pm every night to check or should i accept that i decide what is happening on my time and he decides what is happening on his time? If i found there was no bedding in his house i'd call him and ask why, and we'd move forward from there depending on the reason and his proposed solution.

But again, all hypothetical and not at all relevant to OP's situation.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 12/07/2014 23:19

stop hello again. We seem to be in agreement tonight. That never happens with me

Grin have we battled before (useless memory, me!) is it a full moon? Grin

monkeyfacegrace · 12/07/2014 23:22

Ha no not with you particularly, I just more often than not come across as a twat and usually get roasted. It's a novelty having anybody agree with me Grin

CurtWild · 12/07/2014 23:29

Ok it seems I'm in a minority here so I'll bugger off. Hope it gets easier for you pickled.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 12/07/2014 23:29
Grin

Enjoy it, it never lasts long on MN!

venusandmars · 12/07/2014 23:34

pickled I so get where you are. All the trying to be good and kind to him, respect his boundaries etc (and I guess that is what you did in your married life together).

So now things are different. You don't have to make HIM happy. Your responsibility is to yourself and your dc. And that is tough. Being good to yourself might be abut saying that exh is a shitbag. But being good to dc might be saying that exh is a kind dad who loves him...... and ignoring all the shit...

At the end of the day, you can only do what you can do.... So, love yourself. Love your ds. Support your ds in his relationship with his dad. Know that is doing that, you are being the best mother you can be. And love yourself (again)