Ex took ds to stay at his girlfriend's house without telling me, raging!

[pickledparsnip]

DS stays at his dad's for a night every week, has done for ages now. We are both in new relationships, his more recent than mine. I was incredibly considerate of his feeling when mine began (he was jealous & happily told me so). My bf was introduced slowly to my son and after quite a while, as I didn't want to confuse him and wanted to make sure I definitely wanted to be with bf. Ex on the other hand introduced his current gf to ds one weekend, as she joined them on a holiday that was supposed to be just him and ds.

He gets one night and the next full day with ds a week (plus other visits), and he now has gf there every time too. Ds has told me he wishes it were just him and his dad, but ex doesn't want to hear it. It upsets me that he doesn't want to give ds all his attention as gf spends all day with them too.

Ds came back today and told me that he stayed at daddy's gf's house last night. Ex and I had discussed it before and I said that it is not something I want to happen right now. I am angry that he didn't tell me about it. Fuming. He says that ds is supposed to stay with him, wherever that may be. I disagree. I am his mother and want to know where he is staying. Ds is nearly 5.

Thank you venusandmars. Good stuff to hear.

aw I really feel for you pickledparsnip and I do believe that things get better with time as PP have said.

I think your ex sounds like he has such an emotional hold over you, please put yourself first in future, I am glad you have met someone else who is very grounded.

I haven't been in your position but close friends and my brother have and it aches to not know where your DC are spending the night but as long as you know your ex loves them and is caring for them, I agree just get on with your life and do the best you can. Wishing you well.

Those who have said that the OP's ex has a right to take him wherever he wishes are so wrong. We all like to think we would act in a certain way faced with these circumstances but I think that you OP have acted sensitively and expect the same in return.

Whilst he can make decisions during his contact time, he absolutely must tell you where your son is. If you were in a court situation, they would completely support this as well. My GS lives with me and his father is only allowed to take him for a holiday once a year or out of the jurisdiction and the court insists that not only must I know two weeks in advance where he is going, I even have to be told flight times, addresses etc.

I know the feeling when you see your son drive off with your ex and his new partner. It does lessen in time though and your son does sound mature enough to say when he is not happy.

He should not be coming round twice a week to put your son to bed. Why doesn't he have midweek contact elsewhere instead if you are happy with this? You are free to change arrangements if you wish as matters have clearly moved on. You seem to put your son first, but also start thinking of what suits you also as you need to move on.

At the end of the day, you are upset because he has breached your trust, you thought you had an agreement. You have an absolute right to know where your own son is.

I woke up feeling much more calm about it all, but I still stand by my need to know where he is. Rightly or wrongly. I sent him a text asking him to please let me know. I don't believe it be an unreasonable request. He is playing games with me & being disresepctful, when I have ways been so respectful. I know some will disagree with me, but it is how I feel. I will work on getting over the situation, I need to. I don't want to feel like this at all.

botanicbaby thank you. I know that he loves him & cares for him. Not always in the way that I would like, but he does love him & they have a good relationship. For that I am thankful.

Yes ElsieMc that's it, I would like to be treated sensitively and respectfully. I have to realise that just isn't going to happen. I told him a while back that I find it hard seeing ds go off with ex & other woman and that it is a primal mother thing, I can't explain it. He told me that he thinks it is sad & he feels sorry for me. According to him he would have no problem with ds going off with bf & I. He has never had to see it though because he does not live with ds & because I haven't taken ds off with us because I thought it inappropriate & insensitive at the mo. I don't know why. He denies all prior jealousy & claims he has never had a problem with my bf. This is bollocks. He lies though, quite a bit, so I don't know why I'm surprised.

I know he shouldn't really be coming round to put ds to bed, but contact was put in place like that because it worked best for us all at the time. Ds is now used to it & I am worried about how it would affect him if it stopped. It seems incredibly unfair to him. I am happy to suck it up to keep ds happy, but I know it is an unusual set up.

I absolutely agree you should stand your ground about wanting to know where your DS is. Your ex is obviously good with your DS and you trust his judgement, but wanting to know where he'll be sleeping is far from an unreasonable request.

All this 'you have no right' is probably one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard. Probably not a very popular opinion, but those are my thoughts on it and I stand by them.

Hope you're feeling calmer today pickled.

pickled, my stbxh will only see our DC either in my home or together with me in town. Those are his terms, and it hasn't been smooth sailing but if it it means my three get time with their dad then, as you say, you suck it up for their sake. There will be people who say 'oh you shouldn't do that', but they're not in my/your situation and if it works for you then that's what counts.

Oh pickled this has all been very messy hasn't it? Your pain is almost tangible in your posts and I really feel for you.

I do think you need to change the arrangement regarding ex having access to DS in your home. You need boundaries and you really aren't going to be able to move on whilst this continues.

Secondly, I would try to have a conversation with ex that says you are happy he is moving on through gritted teeth and that you realise you have no right to tell XH where DS is sleeping/going, but that as a courtesy, you would like to know where DS is spending the night and that you will reciprocateby telling XH if DS is sending a night at your new partners house etc. Even if that isn't really a possibility right now, it should make the ex see things from your pov a bit better and it makes it clear you are trying to be fair.

Thirdly, it is incredibly frustrating that the ex is ignoring your sons requests to just spend time with his dad on his own. Probably ex thinks you are making this up. I would let it drop but mention it every now and then, like, DS would really like to go to see this film/whatever just the two of you for some son/Dad bonding time. Eventually your son will be able to voice this himself and he will tell his dad he wants to do stuff without the GF. My DS did this and it worked.

Lastly, when we first split up, I remember the first weekend XH took DC away (over 200 miles away to his parents) and I was in bits I was in such a state my friend actually had to come and look after me .

Now, I am on the phone saying "Can you pleeeeease have DS this/that weekend so I can do X/Y/Z". It really truly does get easier and I now really enjoy the time I have away from the DC, and I don't care at all about them playing happy families. Even when DC went to XH and his GF for Christmas lunch last year, I honestly wasn't bothered, I was just so glad that I didn't have to cook the whole thing for the first time ever in 18 years!!!!

It will get better I promise.

I disagree that you have a right to know where your ds is sleeping at any given time. My DCs have sleepovers with friends and we all sometimes go to DP's house at the weekend. Do I tell my XH? Do I fuck.

When they are with him he is perfectly within his rights to take them to visit anyone he chooses, he's their dad and he is capable of making sure they are safe and well looked after. If this were not the case then that's a whole different argument, but as long as they are fed and taken care of, they will go where they are told.

Even if they don't like it.

My DCs will moan at having to go and visit grandparents or friends of the family (especially oldest ds) but sometimes they have to do it anyway. It isn't healthy for them to be the centre of the NRP's universe whenever they are together, they need to learn to share that parent and their attention, in the same way as they have to share the attention of the RP when they have friends round or they are busy with work etc.

Time with the NRP isn't some precious hallowed thing that should never be tainted with real life. Plenty of RPs moan about the Disney parenting that happens when access becomes all about making it perfect and fun-filled. It should be very much like the rest of the week, not pure 1-2-1 DS and daddy time. If the gf is part of ex's life then she's part of the weekend package for ds.

whilst I agree with . Penelope that OP has no right to know, if she asks for this info as "a courtesy" I think it's a reasonable request which of course the ex may turn down. My DS will go on sleepovers whilst he is with his Dad, but XH will always drop me a text saying, by the way, DS is staying at Jakes house tonight.
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I would also mention sleepovers to XH, just in passing.

Also, I am not saying GF should be hidden away like some kind of secret and she should be part of the weekend but it sounded from OPs post that time at dads was exclusively with GF. A lot of DC find this very difficult and they do want one to one time with the NRP. OPs DS has made it clear he wants this.

when XH and I were still together, DS would spend time doing stuff with his dad just the two of them, football, wrestling, boy films. Why should that stop for him just because dad has a new GF?

Sorry, didn't mean that to come across quite so bluntly!

I understand that your complicated relationship with your ex is clouding the issue of GFs and BFs, as the ongoing sex between you after you had finished must have made things very confusing.

However, the fact remains that what happens when your DCs are with their other parent is sadly none of your business. If you can reach agreement on certain things and are both willing to compromise to stick to the same rules and ideals in each home then great, but most of the time we have to accept that there are my rules and his rules and the DCs are very good at accepting that this is the way things are. It's a bit like having certain rules for school and certain rules for home. My DCs understand that they won't get told off for having their shirt untucked at home - no confusion about why it's different!

Hampton, I'm sure there are still plenty of opportunities for OP's ds to do stuff with his dad, even with gf around. No reason why they can't have a wrestle or kick a ball around while gf is preparing lunch or pop to the park/watch a film all together. (Not sure what 'boy films' are as I watch all kinds of films with all of my DSs and DDs!)

I don't think any child should expect 1-2-1 time with either parent. Yes it's nice if it happens, but in most families there are other children and another parent to factor into most activities, so one to one is very rare indeed. In fact most Disney problems seem to stem from a child demanding exclusive time with the NRP and the parent complying.

Wait a minute..I've read threads on here where an OP has been torn to shreds for even introducing a new bf on a casual basis to her DC, but the NRP can do it, and expect his young DS to just accept it and suck it up? Does OP's DS not come into the equation at all here? He's saying he doesn't want to spend time with his dad's gf and everyone is basically saying tough? And yet recently there was a thread where the OP's 13 yo didn't want to spend time with her mum's new bf and the majority told her to ditch him. So what we're saying is the 'rules' that appear to apply to us RP don't apply to the NRP? Incredible.

What I see here is OP's and her DS's feelings being trampled on by the NRP so he gets weekend time with his gf.

I'm the first to say on any thread to any party in the equation, that introducing new people, as long as it's done sensitively (no "here's your new daddy" etc!) is absolutely fine. My DCs met my dp fairly early on, they love him, they enjoy spending time with him. If their dad met someone next week and thought she was the love of his life, I'd have no qualms about him introducing them soon and them spending time with her.

As I said, mine will moan sometimes about wanting time without DP's DCs. Sometimes I will oblige, sometimes they have to suck it up, the same way they would if they had to visit their uncles and would rather be lounging in their PJs on the Xbox. Family life is full of compromises, especially once the parents are separated. Each parent can only do what they feel is right for them and their DCs as a whole.

The DCs' wishes shouldn't always override the parent's (I know I'm not necessarily speaking for the majority here, but that's my view, I'm entitled to a life, that includes sharing it with a loving dp).

The fact that many here are saying the same thing is not hypocritical. Mn is full of differing opinions and it just happens that this particular OP/circumstance has invited many similar opinions so far.

We all like to think we would act in a certain way faced with these circumstances

Speak for yourself. I know exactly how I would act. Having been there and all that.

Curtwild the DS not being happy with the GF is a separate issue to whether OP should be told where he is staying.

Penelope "I don't think any child should expect 1-2-1 time with either parent."

I think that is a very unusual opinion. I don't know anyone who doesn't do this. I am one of five and had one on one time. My best mate has four DDs and ensures she spends one on one time with her girls.

I am so glad my XH does not think like you do and does not force his GF and her DC on my DC all the time.

Oh pickled, isn't it just SHIT!!!!

Doubt if theres much you can do about it but that doesn't stop it being shit! Hopefully it will be less so over time. Grit teeth hard until then?

Oh and as you have identified stop pandering to your ex, he's shown you again just how little he respects you so fuck him!

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Things got worse again, then improved. Ex is no longer allowed in my house as he kicked off & called me a "fucking arsehole" in front of our son. He has been taking him out twice a week for dinner & a trip to the park. Ds doesn't seem to mind, & I am much happier now he no longer comes in. He even apologised, through gritted teeth mind, but he did apologise.

Have gone away to visit family for a few weeks. Ex told me I was taking ds away from him. I suggested he have ds for the weekend before we went, he told me he had plans. Classic example of his selfishness. Lay the guilt on me.

Did you stop the sleepovers at the gf place OP?

What has been causing all the bother?

are you taking your son away for a few weeks ? will his dad get to take him for a few weeks also?

Quitelikely there have been no more sleepovers at ex's gf's place. If they happen again then that's ok, I would just like to be told where he is sleeping.

mrsbrownsgirls yes ds has come with me. His dad won't get to take him away for a few weeks, because it just wouldn't happen. He is self employed & doesn't get paid holiday. Plus when he does get time off, I only know afterwards & he has never offered to have ds during that time. He is very selfish with his time. Any spare time at the mo is spent with his gf.