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Original poster

In tears over exP and pregnancy

55 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 21:13

Some of you may have seen my previous thread but background is boyfriend split from me after discovering I was pregnant and tried to force me into an abortion.

He's since changed his mind and is now hounding me about the access he will get to the baby, I suggested weekends (he works full time and lives in a house share), but this isn't good enough and he wants 50/50 custody :(.

He's calling me selfish, a shit mum, threatening to make a list of every time I stop him seeing the baby to show it when it's older to "prove he wanted to see him" and generally being nasty.

I am genuinely at a loss of what to do - I can't block his number as I don't have that function on my phone - believe me I've tried!

He's making me feel so guilty as well, am I stopping a genuine man from being a father?

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 10/07/2014 21:18

No you are not. He sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Stop feeling bad.
Block him from social network.
Change your number.
Set up an email address that you use only to communicate with him. Save all emails.
Get legal advice ASAP.

Draw your line in the sand now and stand firm!

adaorarda · 10/07/2014 21:23

solicitor.

he can't have the baby in a houseshare for half of every week. what if you breastfeed ffs? he's just not in touch with reality if he thinks that's going to happen.

don't listen to him. just get legal advice, do what the solicitor tells you, and stay calm. everything will be fine. don't worry about what HE says -- he's not a judge, he's not the police, he's some random man who has treated you and baby very badly, and his opinion is not important.

just get thee to a solicitor so that you know what your rights are and can stand firm/be confident in them. you'll feel better instantly.

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 21:27

The solicitor says because of his job and living situation initially he will probably get contact at weekends in a contact centre with me present.

I haven't told him I've spoken to a solicitor because I know he will hit the roof. He's already accused me of using him for sperm.

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 21:28

Also, I really do not want him on the birth certificate, but am I being unfair about that?

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 10/07/2014 21:29

I'm in a similar situation. I broke up with exP and all of a sudden he wanted to see the child he had ignored for 6 months. Stand your ground. Have no contact what so ever and let him take you to court if he is really that interested.

You have to go through mediation before you can go to court. That cost me £200 ish inc solicitors fees. If he is doing it to wind you up/out of spite, the cost may well put him off. If he really does want to see his child, suggest a contact centre once a week. If he objects to that then tell him to take you to family court.

I know it is so intimidating/daunting and they really do make you feel as though you're an unreasonable cow. I am only just learning to say no and stand my ground with ex and his family. You're well within your legal rights to just say no to the unreasonable requests and tell him to take you to court. You are not breaking any laws there.

Also, please don't worry about him getting 50/50 access to a newborn. He most probably won't get access without you being there at all as the baby will be so young.

InTheNorth123 · 10/07/2014 21:34

People are often quick to say you're denying the child the right to know their father etc if you leave them off the birth certificate. Tbh, until I was in this position I'd probably have thought it was wrong. But no, absolutely leave him off it for the time being. He can always be added on at a later date.

Name on BC=shared parental responsibility. You'll need his consent to travel abroad, have medical procedures, name changes, have to agree on schools etc. the main one which worries me is that if my ex ever refused to return our DS, there is nothing the authorities could do about it (unless they believed ex would harm DS.)

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 21:35

Is there any way he can force himself to be on it?

OP posts:
Adayinthelifeof · 10/07/2014 21:38

Yeah just cut contact and let him take you to court. He sounds like a real looser so I reckon the less contact your child has with him the better. He's just making threats.

Just get a new phone number too.

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 22:07

I'm beginning to realise I'm well rid. He's a complete cocklodger as well, he wanted to move in here and not pay rent.

OP posts:
kilmuir · 10/07/2014 22:09

Don't the children have a right to know who their father is?

SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2014 22:09

I remember your previous thread. Please report this man to the police for harassment. Just because he impregnated you does not give him any rights over you. You do not have to see him, speak to him, answer any emails or letters from him or tell him where you are living. He cannot bring any kind of legal action against you WRT seeing the baby until it's born but if you have evidence of his abuse of you prior to the birth it will be useful if/when he does take you to court for contact.

He may not do so. Given his past behaviour, it sounds like his main motivation at present is to harass you and that he will probably give up and go away if his access to you is blocked.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2014 22:10

And remember that his opinion of you doesn't matter. Because he doesn't matter.

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 22:12

I am genuinely worried he may turn up at my house as he knows where I live. Sad

OP posts:
adaorarda · 10/07/2014 22:18

children have a right to know their fathers. once they are actually born. and provided the father isn't abusive.

right now the child is not born.
this man is simply harassing OP, just like he did before only then the focus of the harassment was to force her to have an abortion.

once baby is here, and provided the man has not committed (further) crimes against the OP, then they can start talking contact/child knowing father.

todayisnottheday · 10/07/2014 22:25

You can leave him off the birth certificate. If he wants to be on it's a relatively easy court process. Normally I'd be the first saying "it's the childs rights not yours etc" but I've read your threads and I doubt he'd bother tbh. He sounds like he's loving having a hold over you and is determined you aren't going to enjoy the pregnancy he wanted you to terminate.

Approach the police about harassment and discuss a non molestation order with your solicitor. Everything he's banging on about can be sorted once baby is here. For the time being you are entitled to be left alone to grow this child in peace as that is something he can have no involvement with or input into. Stop fighting him, stop worrying about him just concentrate on your child. Save all the rest for another day (he won't get overnight access to a baby, in fact, if you breastfeed, he'll get a couple of hours at best. I genuinely think he'll sod off as soon as he's put in his place by courts/police etc)

todayisnottheday · 10/07/2014 22:29

P.s. when you write your birth plan give his name and say he's not allowed on the ward under any circumstances. If he shows up a mw will ask if you want him in, you say no and he's told to leave. If he kicks off they'll call the police and you will know nothing about it unless you ask. He has no right to be there whatever he says so don't let him worry you on that score!

Finola1step · 10/07/2014 22:37

As you are not married, he will need to be with you when you register baby's birth. So don't tell him. It will be up to him to get it done through the courts.

If you don't want him with you when you are in labour, don't tell him. Get someone else to phone him after baby is born.

He wanted you to have an abortion, you owe him nothing. He is perfectly entitled to go through the courts to establish contact. Engage with him through that process. Only communicate through email so that you have a paper trail.

If he turns up at your home and harasses you, call the police.

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

Pinter · 10/07/2014 22:51

Do not put this man on the BC. He will use it to control you

How would you feel about setting up a separate email account & using only that for contact with him? Ignore all his calls & respond with a broken record "please email me at..." To any texts. I'd recommend keeping the texts (hard as that may be) just in case anything gets legal.

If you feel unsafe in your home because he knows where you live it probably wouldn't hurt to call 101 & just flag up that you feel this way.

If he does show up & won't leave or you feel in any way intimidated call the Police. Straight away. No reasoning with this one.

You've got a lovely little baby cooking to concentrate on. One step at a time

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/07/2014 07:05

It's nothing to do with a father wanting contact with his child. He didn't want the child to exist. It's all about control. He couldn't bully you into having an abortion so now he's going to bully you with demands for access instead. Cut all contact with him now, enjoy your pregnancy and, if he persistently tries to harass you, report him for aggressive behaviour.

GinAndSonic · 11/07/2014 07:12

Report him for harrasment. See if you can get a non molestation order. He is using your unborn child to control you, and you can be sure he will continue when they are born. I think you need to find a DV service near you, speak to them, get your options laid out and meet with the solicitors they work with.

43percentburnt · 11/07/2014 07:22

Definately not on birth certificate.
Keep all texts and communication.
Report to police straight away, say you are pregnant and are being harrassed. Do not down play his behaviour tell them truthfully all that he has ever done to you.
Tell midwife he is not to be at the birth. Tell midwife that he wanted you to terminate and is now harassing you.

This will continue and it's a long time til baby is 18. Get everything on record starting today. Also keep a diary of things he says with times and dates.

Surely Breastfeeding babies have to with their mum. I fed for hours for the first 8/12 weeks. He still feeds several times a night at 10 months.

43percentburnt · 11/07/2014 07:25

You are not a shit mum. He will say this regularly. Expect him to say it, laugh to yourself when he does. It's an easy thing for men like him to say as it is bound to upset you.

I found turning it into a checklist helpful, as each comment is said mentally check them off your list.

He sounds vile and you are rightfully speaking to a solicitor, etc etc to protect your baby, that's what a good mum does.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 11/07/2014 07:33

Definitely contact the police. Sit down and write a record of every shit thing he has ever done then start a fresh diary and record every incident. What phone do you have? You may be able to block his number through your provider or divert his calls / texts.

kaykayblue · 11/07/2014 09:09

How the fuck can you be a shit mum when the baby doesn't even concretely exist yet?!!? And you're allowed to be selfish. He certainly has been. Or is it not selfish to want to move into someone's house and pay fuck all towards rent or bills?

You aren't obliged to put him on the birth certificate. That is something that can be changed later down the line if he decides to go down that route. Also, what difference does it make from the kid's perspective? They're still going to know who their dad is. Or can babies and infants read birth certificates these days?

Ludicrous. The one thing you do need to do though is to tell your ex to direct all correspondence to your solicitor. Do this now. Please.

You guys have literally nothing to talk about. The baby isn't even born yet, so you don't have to work out access arrangements!! Anything he wants to say he can say to your solicitor. You are pregnant - stress is really bad during pregnancy. You need this to be taken off your shoulders.

Block his e-mail. Or open a new e-mail account. Or have all his e-mails go straight to junk. He has literally nothing that you would need to discuss right now.

Solasum · 11/07/2014 09:31

I was in a similar situation OP. We had endless pointless arguments. DS was born at 38 weeks weighing just over 5 lb. I will always wonder if he was so small because of the constant stress while I was pregnant. Do not have the same regret!

Once the baby comes the world is different. Ex complained endlessly that I was a danger to DS and and that he was being deprived of an r ship wuth him. Once he was born ex only took a few weeks to disappear. He is getting better now though.
At the moment though you and baby are the priority. Make sure you are eating well. You have plenty of time to deal with ex down the line.