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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In tears over exP and pregnancy

55 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 10/07/2014 21:13

Some of you may have seen my previous thread but background is boyfriend split from me after discovering I was pregnant and tried to force me into an abortion.

He's since changed his mind and is now hounding me about the access he will get to the baby, I suggested weekends (he works full time and lives in a house share), but this isn't good enough and he wants 50/50 custody :(.

He's calling me selfish, a shit mum, threatening to make a list of every time I stop him seeing the baby to show it when it's older to "prove he wanted to see him" and generally being nasty.

I am genuinely at a loss of what to do - I can't block his number as I don't have that function on my phone - believe me I've tried!

He's making me feel so guilty as well, am I stopping a genuine man from being a father?

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 11/07/2014 11:30

I'm already seriously stressed, he's also bad mouthing me to all our mutual friends now about how I've "stolen his sperm" and am stopping him being a father.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/07/2014 11:32

Don't worry. He's just digging himself into an even bigger hole. I'm sure your mutual friends think he is a tosser

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 11/07/2014 11:40

Honestly If a man said that to me I'd be hard pushed not to laugh in his face.

He's only making himself look like the dickhead he is.

Solasum · 11/07/2014 12:57

Holly, ex said exactly the same. He was tricked, apparently. Forget about him, and think about the fun stuff. Have you thought about names at all?

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 11/07/2014 17:15

He's also told me I'm not allowed to breast feed as he doesn't want me to have saggy tits. Nice man.

OP posts:
GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 11/07/2014 17:22

ok, I've only read the first post and 'not allowed to breast feed'.

you so seriously are better off without him.
don't let him have anything. breastfeed if you want and if he goes to court for access make sure you get to supervise. there's so much rubbish on mn about men taking tiny babies away from mothers for 'access'. he's not having 50/50. talk to a solicitor, to the nearest dv unit, and women's aid might be able to advise.

protect yourself and your baby as far as you can. don't give him a second thought.

kaykayblue · 11/07/2014 17:29

So you're preventing him from having a relationship with a foetus?

How very reasonable of him.

Stolen his sperm??? So you drugged him and stole it while he was sleeping then did you, and then impregnated yourself without his knowledge?

There is literally no way his friends are going to consider him to be anything other than a complete cunt.

I'd also like to point out that you guys have broken up. Why the fuck does he care if you have "saggy tits"?? He's never going to see them again!!!

Finola1step · 11/07/2014 17:43

Wrt to the breast feeding comment - this alone is all the proof you need that you have absolutely done the right thing in shifting this arse out of your life.

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2014 17:48

How old is he? 12?

Do not put him on the birth certificate and make sure you tell your midwife of the situation.

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 11/07/2014 17:51

I suppose I just need a bit of a handhold and someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by essentially depriving him of PR and 50/50 contact with the baby.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/07/2014 17:55

You are absolutely doing the right thing, and I wouldn't mind betting that once the baby is here and he sees the reality, you won't see him for dust.

Finola1step · 11/07/2014 17:56

You are not depriving him of anything.

He can apply to have the parental responsibility bit and contact. You are simply ensuring that he follows the proper channels and procedures.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2014 18:01

Go to the police & ask what behaviour on his part would qualify you to get a restraining order. They're usually pretty knowledgable. They might not be able to tell you how to get one, but at least you'll know what constitutes harassment. Put a record on file with them as to what's been happening. As difficult as it is, I'd change my phone number. Contact WA for help in cutting his ability to contact you. I'm sure they would know of possible assistance in costs of doing this.

Again, if he doesn't know your due date, get that info OFF of any social media & request friends to do this too. Unfriend any mutual friends. Set privacy to tightest possible. Then lie about your due date, make it 4-6 weeks later than it is if possible. Say the doctors miscalculated. Keep your birthing plans secret.

Make a folder for email and direct any emails from him directly to it. Then either ignore or have a trusted friend check them for threats or legal issues. Make them promise to tell you nothing else. Do not talk to him. If he calls say 'do not call me, I am notifying the police of this call' and hang up. If he calls back hit answer and then end call button so he can't leave a message. Call your mobile provider about blocking his number. Perhaps they can do it from their end. They may be able to block texts too.

Solasum · 11/07/2014 18:13

He has plenty of time to prove himself as a decent man and father once the baby arrives. For the moment, get things sorted logistically on the assumption you are doing everything alone. Perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised by him, perhaps not. In either instance you will know you have done your for your child. (That includes avoiding unnecessary stress while you are pregnant i.e. Your ex)

GinAndSonic · 12/07/2014 07:21

The police officer i have as my.point of contact said that and unwanted contact that causes you alarm or upset is harrasment. To make sure the waters arent muddied by your responding, you can email him saying you want no further contact and any messages from him will be considered harrassment and reported. Then do not reply to him further.
Really, get some specialised DV support, this is domestic abuse and he wont just stop doing it.

Ihavemyownname · 12/07/2014 07:41

You can call your network provider and they can block him for you.

If you want contact somebody from your local woman's aid they can be great source of support and very helpful.

If you don't want to put him on the birth certificate don't I wish I hadn't I didn't realise what came with putting him on it Angry,

His only saying these thing to get at you and it's not about the baby at all it's about getting at you and the chances are if you denied contact he wouldn't bother to apply to the court for it if he did it would only last till it came to first contact session when his told his not have contact with you and baby it's just him and the baby.

Ihavemyownname · 12/07/2014 07:41

You can call your network provider and they can block him for you.

If you want contact somebody from your local woman's aid they can be great source of support and very helpful.

If you don't want to put him on the birth certificate don't I wish I hadn't I didn't realise what came with putting him on it Angry,

His only saying these thing to get at you and it's not about the baby at all it's about getting at you and the chances are if you denied contact he wouldn't bother to apply to the court for it if he did it would only last till it came to first contact session when his told his not have contact with you and baby it's just him and the baby.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/07/2014 12:23

I wonder what brought on the complete 180° turn. What a pity he isn't genuine. Sounds like he wants to be the victim in this.

Lots of good advice upthread. You don't need pressure or harassment OP. The ones who talk loudest about their 'rights' normally miss the point that if this ever gets to court, it's the child's rights that are paramount.

Going by what you've posted he wasn't in the least bit supportive when you had a positive test. Now somehow he now thinks throwing his weight around and calling you a sperm thief is his way of registering an interest. The comment about breastfeeding alone makes him sound about 13.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/07/2014 13:01

"I suppose I just need a bit of a handhold and someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by essentially depriving him of PR and 50/50 contact with the baby."

There is no baby at the moment. He has absolutely no reason whatsoever to be in contact with you or you with him. Certainly not to insult you with stupid comments about saggy tits. Why do you still talk to him?

kaykayblue · 12/07/2014 20:06

Of course he won't be getting fucking 50/50 custody of the baby. IT'S A BABY!!! You've mentioned you plan to breastfeed (which is after all, the recommended option by everyone - ESPECIALLY for new borns).

There's no way he can have the baby 50/50 until you stop exclusively breastfeeding. You need to feed otherwise your supply with go down, and the baby needs to fucking eat!

If he tries to insist that you use formula tell him - and I quote - "go fuck yourself".

The decision to breastfeed or not rests purely, and I mean purely with the mother. Her tits her choice.

Seasidegirly · 12/07/2014 21:16

Hi op

I'm going through the exact same thing. Ex has sent me a message today saying he demands I give the baby his surname and access whenever he wants. The baby isn't even born yet and he's already talking about taking me to court. It's so stressful.

Solasum · 12/07/2014 21:40

Seaside, sorry to hear you are in the same pisitz. I would be prepared to bet that once they understand the reality of a small baby they will vanish.

Solasum · 12/07/2014 21:41

Position, even!

Solasum · 12/07/2014 21:48

Re the court threat. I spoke to a solicitor. There is no point doing anything before the baby arrives. Worth investigating what the law re children is in their home country if applicable. Good to be forewarned. I put ex on the birth certificate as he threatened court if I did not. Suffice to say, I hold all DS documentation.

Just a thought, just because ex is being stupid does not mean his family necessarily will be too. I have a good relationship with ex's parents and talk to them directly about DS, send them photos etc. Any chance of this with you?

Solasum · 12/07/2014 21:51

As to the surname thing, DS has both on his BC and passport. But since that makes for a very long surname, and I fill in all the forms (and pay the bills!) , in practice only the first syrname is used (mine).