Can I have your opinion?

[Cowapjn]

Hello!

Me and the ex girlfriend have a 4 week old little girl.

We split up 3 months ago for different reasons (I did t cheat or anything don't worry)

I want to get back together and be a family. Whilst we were split it looked like that would never happen. I booked to go to a dance music festival which takes place this weekend.

Now there seems to be some hope with me and the ex and I'm excited! She's now kicked up a fuss over me going to this dance music festival this weekend. Note - we are both still single, haven't kissed or anything and haven't definitely said we will get back together but the signs look good. Please also note if we hadn't of split up, I would never of booked this festival. I just thought stuff it I'll go and have a good time.

She's now trying to make out I still want to be a mad party animal even though all that stopped when I met her. There's another dance music festival at the pens of August that all my friends are going to and I've been the last 5 years including last year when I went with the now ex girlfriend.
I'm not going to this.

I just want my family. My guys holidays and stuff like that all stopped when I met her long before we was due to have our first child. I have a friend for example who is 28 like me and has a 3 year old. He always goes out partying and on guys holidays etc. that is not what I want to be.

So the ex is now saying me and her both want different things all because I'm going to this 1 day festival.
I've told her I'll not go and it wouldn't faze me If I don't go but she's telling me to go and probably meaning the opposite.

She's even made out that me going I'm not putting our baby first even though of I didn't go, I'd only be stuck at home bored alone so how is it me putting a festival before the baby.

I honestly don't care if I do t go to the festival.

She's said its definitely over anyway tonight and she wants different things to me which makes me think "stuff you I'll go the darn festival then and have fun" but something tells me that would be a bad move and by me not going despite her saying it's definitely over it would prove to her I'm committed to my family!

This is bloody awful :( light at the end of the tunnel finally and now this!

And you also sound as if the thing you want Right Now is the thing that is the most important thing in the world to you.
Impulsive, in other words, and not capable of distinguishing important things in the bigger picture from things that are not important.

The festival - last year, this year regardless of what else is going on and regardless of what happened there last year.
The family - broke up when GF was 7 months pg if my maths is right, now want it all back again.
The baby - some sort of toy?
Kissing a girl last year at the festival - no doubt that seemed really important at the time too. In hindsight you probably see it as a mistake, but where was your judgement this time last year?

It seems to me it's all about what you want, right here and right now, with you.

You don't seem to understand that your choices in one area may have an effect on your chances of getting all the other things you want.

You don't seem to understand why your GF isn't just going to hop aboard and help you paper over the past.

She has gone through nine months of 100% physical commitment 24/7 to the baby, followed by childbirth and now a month of total 24/7 commitment mental, emotional and physical commitment to the baby. Someone going through all of that needs to see equal commitment on the part of any partner, or else she can rightly conclude that her partner hasn't yet grown up.

I would like to know what in your view happened to make you and your ex GF split while she was pregnant.

mathanxiety sorry you misunderstood.

I've been to a different music festival that's in august and I've been the last 5 years. The only girl I've very kissed at this festival over the 5 years I've been was my ex as we went together. The previous 4 years I never kissed anyone.
Do you condone her stopping my access to my baby today because she's spat her dummy out about the festival?
At the end of the day it's a 1 day festival, I'm single and whilst I did hold hope that we could get back together, it was t happening any time soon. We haven't kissed or cuddled or anything.

She's told me today she's moving on and has just told me a lads asked her in a date and she may go with him. So I don't go to the festival I'll be sat at home alone bored and no better off seeing as it's over for good and she's wanting to date someone else.

Apologies for the misunderstanding.

I don't think you are right to see your baby as some sort of possession your ex gives or withholds from you, or interpret her not allowing you to have the baby for a day or a few hours or overnight as some sort of spite on her part. I don't think you should read any tit for tat into this. I do think she is playing mind games with you wrt the festival, but I don't think the baby is part of it. When it comes to the baby you need to take on board what some posters here have explained about the anxiety new mothers feel when someone else has their baby in their care, even doctors, nurses, the HV, granny, husband, sister, etc.

In addition, a few months have passed since the two of you broke up and a huge amount of water has passed under the bridge since the breakup -- the last weeks of pregnancy, childbirth and the immediate aftermath have been spent apart and you really can't in all reality expect to jump in where you left off. Those are huge things in a partner's life not to have been a constant part of so although you are the baby's father you are not as close as perhaps her mother is to her right now and this will have an impact on how anxious she will feel about leaving the baby in your care.

Did you take her to the hospital?
Were you there at the birth?
Did you visit in the hospital?
Did you do prenatal classes together?
Did you take her and the baby home from the hospital?

If she says it's over and you believe her (and if you believe that she will go out with someone else pretty soon) then see a solicitor or family mediator with a view to getting some sort of formal arrangement about supporting your baby financially and visitation with her, so you will have a chance to form a good relationship.

You need to find out if you have been registered as the father of the baby first. If this is not the case then a solicitor will advise you as to what to do next about establishing paternity. The process of getting things on a formal basis doesn't have to be adversarial and there doesn't have to be bitterness to it. Nor does it indicate that you are spoiling for a fight with your exGF, or that you have bad feelings towards her. It's more a matter of setting you up with a chance to have a good relationship with your daughter now and into the future. It gives you something concrete to appeal to if your exGF tries to keep you out of your daughter's life.

Be aware that with a very young baby overnight stays may not be possible. You may need to start with a couple of hours and build up gradually to a day, with overnight stays a matter of at least a year in the future.

*I'm saying all of this with the assumption that you have never abused your GF or given her cause to fear you.

Hello!

I don't expect to have the baby on my own just yet and I also do t feel as though I'm ready. I'm happy for mummy to be around. As I've explained today was meant to be me seeing the baby but mummy would of been there too which would of been great! Me seeing the baby without her family there being my audience. I'd live to have the baby stopping at mine but understand I can't yet.

She didn't tell me she had gone I to labour. She just rang me to let me know the baby was here.
I did visit her in hospital but did t take her home now.

I basically do everything I'm allowed to do and when I request things I get turned down.

I have been registered as the father however, solicitors and mediation are just too expensive. I have already enquirer. I have a mortgage to pay, a child to pay for plus I may lose my job in the next few months.
For example, a solicitor quoted £300 for an hours appointment and just to send a letter.

I've never ever been verbally or physically abusive apart from a couple of low key arguments nor have I cheated on her.

She has said it's over for good, she's thinking about accepting an offer of a date and also stopped me seeing my baby today. What this has done is made me resent her a tad and want to go to the festivals.
Am I meant to stay alone on Saturday night at home?
Instead of her saying to me "look I'd prefer it if you did t go because of reasons x y and z she has just turned a bit of light rain into a storm. Last night I decided not to go but after today she's changed my mind.

She's trying to make out I don't want my family and instead I want to be out every weekend getting drunk going to festivals all the time and wanting to go on lads holidays and she's thinking this all because I'm going to a 1 day festival. My close group of friends went on a lads holiday last month, are going on another holiday in September,they're going to the 1 day festival with me and another festival in September. They're are also out every weekend. Me - I never go out plus I work 2 weekends a month.

I think you have to focus on being a father to your daughter, not a partner to your ex. As has been said, let your baby's grandparents know, make it clear to your ex and get legal advice on making arrangements formal.

Your girlfriend is selfish and manipulative.
Why did you split up?
Why did you have a baby in the first place?
Fair enough to want to care for your offspring, but I do not think you owe the ex anything & I would be willing to bet that if you told her, she would just fade out of your life as she realises she cannot manipulate you any more.

I'm trying to focus on being a father however the access she's giving me, I do t even feel like a father. I do what she lets me and if I make request for example taking the baby for a 30 minute walk on my own she says no.

Thankyou anyway to everyone who has taken the time out of their day to give me some advice. I still do t know 100% if I'll go or not though lol

I disagree, solicitors and mediation are a very worthwhile investment and you in fact can't afford to not have one establishing the relationship with your daughter on a formal basis.

Do you want to be continually turned away from seeing the baby? If you want a relationship with the baby then you are going to have to get a solicitor, and if your exGF wants to object to reasonable proposals then she is also going to have to get a solicitor.
You have the money to spend on potentially two music festivals this summer. How much will they set you back?

She has said it's over for good, she's thinking about accepting an offer of a date and also stopped me seeing my baby today. What this has done is made me resent her a tad and want to go to the festivals.
Am I meant to stay alone on Saturday night at home?
Instead of her saying to me "look I'd prefer it if you did t go because of reasons x y and z she has just turned a bit of light rain into a storm. Last night I decided not to go but after today she's changed my mind.

You're like a dog with a bleeding bone about the festival. Stop playing games. Put 2+2 together. Accept that it is over.

Put your money where your mouth is now, and go for plan B, the relationship with your daughter.

You have the money.

My mother paid for this festival as a gift as I can't afford any holidays etc this year. I didn't want to but she insisted. Plus I agreed to go if I do t pay accomodation and my friends agreed to this so basically it's a free festival.

Solicitors and mediation may be worth while but at the moment they arnt financially viable. If i do keep my job then i will look into it.

Maybe you can prevail upon your mother to pay for part of a solicitor's bill?

Start setting some money aside and put 'solicitor' at the top of your priority list. Cut back where you can.

Seriously, it will be money well spent if you want a relationship with your daughter.

Just go to the sodding festival. Your decision to go did seem like the Grand Gesture in exchange for her getting back with you - ie not to do with being a father.

Don't do the rose thing.

Stop resenting your ex. She is moving on; you need to do so, too. Forget about getting back together - even if she says she wants to next week, you will know from what she's said this week that she's not emotionally ready for a relationship.

Go to the festival. I can't see any reason why you shouldn't. Your original reason was that it might jeopardise a chance of getting back together. Now that's definitely not on the cards, just go.

Stop pestering her with texts. Maximum one text every other day now, just to ask how the baby is. And how ex is, if you like.

Give it a little while for emotions to calm down. Five days, a week. Then write to her and say you'd like to discuss a regular plan for contact with your daughter. Would she like to meet and talk, or come to an arrangement by email?

Writing it means she doesn't have to respond immediately and hopefully then it will sink in that your daughter needs regular contact with her father. In which case, there will be no need for solicitors or mediation.

God she's making you jump through hoops! You should go to the festival. She is trying to manipulate you IMO. You have obviously made yourself available to her so you can give practical support with the baby and she has thrown that right back at you. I bet when she goes on her dates with the new fella she will need a sitter......or is she taking baby along?

And some posters here IMO are being ridiculously harsh on you, encouraging you to jump through the hoops! Don't do it. It will set the tone of the future and that's not fair or right.

Some people here as usual have been arseholes and jumped on you as being the bad guy the second you posted. Don't worry, OP, it happens often; especially when a man is posting. Women can often do no wrong on MN's, unless of course a women in posting herself.

I agree with Quitelikely. She does sound controlling and manipulative and if you were a women you would be told to leave. Double standards.

You actually sound kind and that you are really trying to do everything you can. Go to that festival and don't jump through her hopes.

MN not MN's.

woman not women.

This is why I should preview my posts

I agree with differentnameforthis

Sorry - you do not get to dictate someone's life just because you have a child with them. Life is not a fairytale, just because someone may want different things and not feel exactly the same as you, it doesn't necessarily make them irresponsible. We are not clones.

Not with ex, and "not allowed" to go to a ONE day music festival. My God.

Id love to see the reaction if a woman posted that her ex DH was dictating where she went and when, because she is mum to their child.

Hope you're ready to jump thru hoops for many years to come OP.

Can't believe some of the responses you got. Go to the sodding festival. Enjoy. Enjoy and some more. Its a day! Not a fortnight in ibiza. Although if you had booked one of these whilst single it would be fine to go. She sounds like a nightmare to be honest. Just because you possess a vagina and have given birth it doesn't make you a deity.

Thanks everyone.

I was willing to cancel the festival up until 3 things happened today,

1. she said it was over and she was moving on.
2. she cancelled our planned day together me her and baby out of spite that I'm going to a 1 day festival.
3. she told me she had been offered a date and may accept.

These 3 occurring a just make me resent her a bit and think stuff it, I'll go. She's actually pomade me want to go more now.

Fair enough she's looking after our baby 24/7 and I'm enjoying myself going to a festival but I help out with the baby as much as she allows me to. If I could help out any more I could. I even had 2 weeks paternity leave booked but cancelled it as I wasn't being used and would of spent it doing nothing.
Plus I pay for my child and buy things when needed.

I can understand she has trust issues ( I haven't cheated on her, I fact she kissed a lad behind my back over a year ago) and can understand me going to a festival may not help but seeing as I've been to 4 festivals the last 4 years and never kissed a girl! I don't go for that. I go to enjoy good quality music, have a few beers and a laugh with friends.

Thanks for posting anyway everyone I really do appreciate it. To take the time out of your day and offer advice when it doesn't benefit yourself that much is amazing.

Here's go having a good day on Saturday.

You need to let go.

She said it is over. Believe that. Live your life, but if you want a relationship with your daughter then I agree with CharlotteCollins -- as a first move, write and ask for reasonable contact.

If that doesn't work out then please be prepared to have a solicitor make the arrangement on your behalf.

Didn't we have this the other night?

I'm amazed she can even think about going on a date after giving birth only 4 weeks ago. She has more stamina and energy than any new mum I've ever heard of

then you need to put effort in and woo her Woo a manipulative person, really? Would you say that to a man who was treating a woman like this?

She is playing games with him, doesn't want him, but wants to make sure he doesn't get with anyone else...keeping him dangling, probably until she finds someone else, then he will be dropped like a hot brick!

2) she cancelled our planned day together me her and baby out of spite that I'm going to a 1 day festival. She doesn't want you to be single, but she doesn't want you either.

3) she told me she had been offered a date and may accept. This is designed to get a reaction from you. It may not even be true. The oldest trick in the book to try & make YOU jealous!

I said it before, so I will say it again.

It is almost like she used you to have a baby & now doesn't need you.

I was 50/50 about that when I posted before, to be fair. But not calling you until the baby was here, not accepting your help, not letting you see your child, cancelling a day out 'for something else she planned', the mention of a potential new date, trying to use manipulation to stop you going to a festival.

All that is designed to control & manipulate you & possible even get a rise from you. Sounds like she wants you to 'go off on one' so she has a legitimate way to prevent access.

Some solicitors offer a free 30 min/hr advice session, perhaps that might be worth thinking about?

I'm amazed she can even think about going on a date after giving birth only 4 weeks ago.

I don't believe it...I think she has mentioned it to the op in order to either 1] get a rise from him, hoping he will kick off & give her an 'out' on the basis that she never really wanted to b with him anyway

2] make him jealous