Can I have your opinion?

[Cowapjn]

Hello!

Me and the ex girlfriend have a 4 week old little girl.

We split up 3 months ago for different reasons (I did t cheat or anything don't worry)

I want to get back together and be a family. Whilst we were split it looked like that would never happen. I booked to go to a dance music festival which takes place this weekend.

Now there seems to be some hope with me and the ex and I'm excited! She's now kicked up a fuss over me going to this dance music festival this weekend. Note - we are both still single, haven't kissed or anything and haven't definitely said we will get back together but the signs look good. Please also note if we hadn't of split up, I would never of booked this festival. I just thought stuff it I'll go and have a good time.

She's now trying to make out I still want to be a mad party animal even though all that stopped when I met her. There's another dance music festival at the pens of August that all my friends are going to and I've been the last 5 years including last year when I went with the now ex girlfriend.
I'm not going to this.

I just want my family. My guys holidays and stuff like that all stopped when I met her long before we was due to have our first child. I have a friend for example who is 28 like me and has a 3 year old. He always goes out partying and on guys holidays etc. that is not what I want to be.

So the ex is now saying me and her both want different things all because I'm going to this 1 day festival.
I've told her I'll not go and it wouldn't faze me If I don't go but she's telling me to go and probably meaning the opposite.

She's even made out that me going I'm not putting our baby first even though of I didn't go, I'd only be stuck at home bored alone so how is it me putting a festival before the baby.

I honestly don't care if I do t go to the festival.

She's said its definitely over anyway tonight and she wants different things to me which makes me think "stuff you I'll go the darn festival then and have fun" but something tells me that would be a bad move and by me not going despite her saying it's definitely over it would prove to her I'm committed to my family!

This is bloody awful :( light at the end of the tunnel finally and now this!

She hasn't said she doesn't want practical help with cleaning, shopping, bins out, etc (the kind that a good partner would give) anywhere I can see.

Ok, I re-read the posts & I think I must have read something wrong. I was sure he had said she won't accept help.

This is turning into a nightmare :(

I spent last night texting her saying I'll not go to the festival as I want to prove to her my family comes first which is does. I'll prove I'm not bothered about going which I'm not.

Today I was meant to spend the day with the ex and our baby going shopping, going out for lunch and they were both meant to be coming to my home (first time baby would of been coming here) The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. Now she said she isn't coming.

I can't win.

She doesn't want me to go to the festival so I tell her I'm not going, I'm not bothered about going and how I'd much rather prove to her my family come first and I'd rather see my daughter or do something for my daughter.

If she spends all day today and all day tomorrow telling me it's over then I'll just go.

To the people saying I should go round and cook and clean for her , take the bins out etc whilst she relaxes, she lives with her dad and step mum. Nothing like that needs doing and even of I offered she would decline.
I understand she is seeing to the baby 24/7 and getting very little sleep and can understand her grievance about me going to a festival bit it's not like I do t want to help! I'd love to do night feeds for he, give her some time off, take the baby out for a half hour walk whilst she relaxes in the bath and generally help a lot more but if she won't allow it, what can I do?

differentnameforthis - you have spoke a lot of sense and have really made me think. Aaaaah this is a nightmare and I can't win.

Completely agree with people saying help her out.
I have a 9mo dd and can clearly remember the early days. Your ex will be knackered, shell shocked at her new life and probably quite scared about how she's going to cope.
If you want her back the best way is to come round and do useful things, show her you're making sacrifices, just like she is. But don't point out what a great guy you are for missing the festival, just get on with the washing, cleaning. Offer to do specific things, don't just ask 'what can I do', say 'shall I clean the bathroom or do the washing up first?'
Cook for her! Make her tea! Then maybe once baby is sleeping if the signs look right you could offer her a back rub, but for god's sake don't try any kissing or sex.
If you show (show don't tell) her how much easier and nicer her life is with you in it then she might decide to make a go of things as a family, but let her come to this conclusion herself. Let her fall in love with you because you're a great, helpful, kind guy.
What she's going through on her own at the moment with such a young baby is so difficult to imagine if you haven't been there yourself, that's why the people saying don't let her dictate to you etc are completely wrong. Listen to me and the other women who know what they're talking about. And don't expect a quick fix, this is a long game- it's the rest of your life at stake here so do it right.
Good luck.

Hold up OP.

Your girlfriend became a mother for the first time a month ago and is currently looking after a new born, and living with family (who she may not even be getting along with at the moment)...

and you are surprised that she is being irrational?

....................

Okay. Because normally of course, just a few weeks after giving birth, especially to their first child, women are the absolute pinnacle of calm, rationality and zen.

Have you asked her why she can't make it? Whether it would be easier for you to go to her instead? Maybe she is nervous about going to your apartment alone. Maybe she is worried about the baby playing up in a flat where she won't have any of the stuff she needs. Maybe she had a bad night with the baby last night and is feeling absolutely wretched.

Ask her if she is okay - ask if she wants to meet elsewhere, or even at her families house.

Don't just automatically get butt hurt about it.

You might need to consider whether she would like you to be part of the child's life, and co-parent, but not her partner. That would mean not living under the same roof, but still having a relationship with your child (when it's slightly older perhaps being realistic).

Kaykayblue - she's text me telling me she has made other plans for today now instead. She's not letting me see the baby due to being annoyed that I was due to go to this festival. Today was meant to be a good day with my daughter with no audience watching over me. Just me mummy and baby! Now she's taken it away from me :'(

Like I've said I understand she's spending 24/7 caring for our 4 week old and can understand how it looks me swanning off to go to a festival. I'm out enjoying myself whilst she's changing nappys etc. the thing is, I'm doing as much as she will let me. If I could help out more and see the baby more I would do! I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty!

If she lived on her own I'd go round and scrub every room from top to bottom. I'd make her tea get her a glass of wine whilst running her a relaxing bath and she would come downstairs to a fed, washed baby that's ready for bed. She lives with her dad and step mum though so I can't do any of these things nor do they need doing

A morning of shopping followed by lunch out and then an afternoon at someone else's home is a heck of a lot to cope with just 4 weeks after giving birth.

Tiredness, soreness, possibly still bleeding, and having to lug around all the baby's stuff may not be as straightforward as your ex had hoped it would be.

I think she's messing you about.
She is no doubt suffering looking after a 4 week old baby.
But she probably has support at home.
She's giving you the run around.
If she wanted to see you and spend time with you (as planned) then she would.
Go to the festival.
See your baby as much as she will let you.
It's not like you will spend any time with either them on festival day.
So attend the festival.

Sorry to disagree with so many but she sounds a bit controlling TBH.

I agree with differentname and hellsbells. She's manipulating you and playing games.

Do what you like.

What differentname and hellsbells say. Go the the festival - it's not like you'd be cancelling her and the baby is it? Does she really want you sat at home, ruminating and getting angsty? How is that good for either of you or your child? Just go to the festival.

Why did you split up OP. She sounds angry with you. Why do you think that might be.

I am not sure but I don't think that I have read that you love her anywhere. I know when I had my first baby I was very insecure and felt that my husband at the time just wanted me for the baby and not for me myself.

Your posts do read a bit like you didn't think you wanted her. But now you have decided you want the family because the baby has arrived. Perhaps she feels you don't genuinely want her. Perhaps she is feeling she is coping okay with a new baby and her families support without trying again with someone who recently split with her. Just a thought.

I agree with hellsbells she is pissing you about and using the baby as a way to punish you.

You sound eager to be a dad unlike some men who aren't with their partners anymore but she isn't letting you.

Personally I would be telling everyone how much you want to be involved and that includes her Dad and Step Mum. Just so that everyone is clear that this is her and not you.

The 'festival' isn't the issue here. You have been split up for three months, what you do with your own time should be of no concern to her. So long as you are not choosing to do other things instead of spending time with your daughter then she should have no say in it at all. Just because she has recently had a baby does not give her the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing with your time.

Its also very unfair of her to make arrangements with you to see your daughter and then cancel 'because she has other plans' I can guarantee if a female had posted and said that her ex had just cancelled seeing his kids because he had other plans he would be slated for it!

You need to stop jumping through hoops thinking it might help you get back together. I don't mean to sound blunt, but if she wanted to be with you she would be! You do need to try and come to some sort of agreement regarding seeing your daughter though, as doing it as and when it suits her is not right.

Hello everyone and thanks for your comments.

You are all right in saying by me going to the festival I wouldn't be binning my daughter off. I never had any plans to see her on Saturday. I can appreciate she is caring for our baby 24/7 and she may resent me for going out enjoying myself but like I've said, I do all I'm allowed to do and help out as much as she lets me. I can't go and cook and clean for her as there's no need. She gets it all done by live he with her dad and stepmum who also offer a lot of support.

If I could take the baby out for half an hour on a walk whilst she has a bath to relax or have a power hour I would do but she's already said no to that.

I do as much as physically possible and I also pay for my baby.

If me not going to the festival would help get my family back then I'd not go however, she text me an hour ago saying it's definitely over and she's moving on so that's now made my mind up - I'm going.

I asked why she's changed her mind and not met me today and come to mine as planned and all she said was when you have a new born things pop up. So what things? She hasn't told me which just makes me think she's being awkward and not letting me see the baby because I'm going to this festival.

I've also said I won't go and I'm not bothered if I don't go and she's still being funny so I can't win.

I do love her to bits and I know she loves me too. I wouldn't pursue a relationship just because a baby is involved. I'd be with her baby or no baby.

A morning of shopping followed by lunch out and then an afternoon at someone else's home is a heck of a lot to cope with just 4 weeks after giving birth. Tiredness, soreness, possibly still bleeding, and having to lug around all the baby's stuff may not be as straightforward as your ex had hoped it would be.

Agreed, but then, she is an adult, surely she can say "how about we forget x & y, just do z instead?

So do it.
Go to your festival.
Enjoy it.
Live your life.

When you come back form the festival & have recovered consult a solicitor about access to your little girl & maintenance.

Keep giving your ex something for the baby & keep buying the nappies. Keep telling her that you are available to see your daughter on x (you decide) days.

You do honestly sound like the good guy in this. I don't think you have heard the last re the relationship. To be honest, it sounds to me like she got what she wanted (the baby) and now doesn't need the father. But I don't know her...

Good luck op, enjoy the festival.

Thankyou everyone.

Of she wasn't happy with me going to the festival and just raised the issue with me, I wouldn't of gone. Instead she causes hell!

She has stopped me having a day with our baby today and also told me earlier that it's over for good and she's moving on which just makes me resent her and makes me want to go to the festival.

I second what different name says. Go to the festival and then when you get back see a solicitor re contact. How dare she bitch about you going to the festival when you're not even together and then piss you about with visitation. If someone told me I wasn't to go to a festival but that they weren't getting back together with me either way id tell them to do one!

I think how you handle this situation will determine the way you resolve any conflict in your relationship, her making a fuss and you capitulating. Put some boundaries down and just go.

She sounds manipulative and trying to control you.

She's now confirmed what I already knows and said she has trust issues! She said she won't trust me going and in turn won't help us get back on track to being a family.

For the past 5 years I've been to a music festival and the only time I've ever kissed a girl at one is when I went last year and I went with the ex! It's not what I go for.

You need to forget all the people telling you what's wrong and right and fair in their weird opinions and focus on do you actually want to get back together? if you do, then you need to put effort in and woo her. send her a single rose every day with a note telling her what you'd like to do the next day and saying you'll text the next morning to check if she's ok with it (come round and make you lunch, take baby out for an hour walk, bring you nappies, etc).
This poor women has trust issues and is all over the place having only just given birth, and now she's scared of being a single parent.
ffs think about what she'd like, not what is or isn't your right to go to. that nonsense game playing is over, this is real life now so grow some balls and win your woman's affection with some decent actions.

OK

Maybe you are just not listening to her?
If she says it's over because of trust issues then trust is the problem Cowapjn, and you trying to convince her that you are trustworthy at a festival and able to handle hangovers, etc is not going to convince her otherwise.

Please do not do the rose a day thing. This is just about the creepiest and least respectful thing you could possibly do.

Somewhere along the line you blew it with your ex.

Maybe she has a tendency not to trust?
Maybe you have a tendency to confirm her lack of trust?
For the past 5 years I've been to a music festival and the only time I've ever kissed a girl at one is when I went last year and I went with the ex! It's not what I go for.
That sounds dreadful, frankly. You kissed someone while at the festival with your exGF? (Have I understood this right?)

You really don't seem to be able to see where this woman is coming from at all.
People often have 'trust issues' because somewhere along the line someone has given them very good reasons not to trust.

You talk about the music festival in pretty much every single post here. Very clearly the music festival is hugely important to you. I think you can take it as a given that if this priority of yours is so clear here it is also clear to the GF. What you are doing is rubbing salt in her wound.

It doesn't matter what you primarily go to music festivals for. If you kissed a girl there the last time you went then that is all that matters. You want to be judged by your intentions and not by your actual behaviour. This isn't fair or right.

I think it is clear that you want two things your GF has no interest in and moreover, two things that are apparently mutually incompatible -- going to the festival and being a family again. One of the things you want (being a family) is something the GF has figured is something you are not capable of because you weren't able to go to a music festival while in a relationship with her without kissing someone else. I think that is a reasonable conclusion to come to on her part, when once more you are making it clear that you are gunning to go to the festival again.

You can't understand that this festival that is so important to you has an entirely different significance for her. You are not paying attention to her feelings. You want to have things your way, to have your cake and eat it too.

And regarding the baby:
She has also made it clear she doesn't want you taking the baby out alone so stop pushing for this. A baby isn't a toy that you take out in a toy buggy and play with. She will most likely not be able to relax while the baby is out of her sight. She is not being unreasonable or irrational or doing this to punish you or play games with you. A new mum has an instinct to watch over her baby and fret over her baby 24/7. Yes it wears her out, but handing her baby over to someone else will have an even worse effect because she will have to fight a powerful natural instinct and let the baby out of her sight and care.

If this were a woman asking advise she would be to told to ltb as he was controlling.

Advice.

Op practical advice is often very good on mumsnet but in this case you really need to talk to your girlfriend.

I spent last night texting her saying I'll not go to the festival as I want to prove to her my family comes first which is does

In the first place, texting the mother of a 4 week old all night is guaranteed to end in fury on her part. Leave the poor woman alone! Let her get some sleep fgs! You sound obsessive and very creepy and worst of all, unable to muster up the smallest amount of empathy.

You ignore the reality of dealing with the baby and how her life and emotions are now completely different. You harp on all night about the festival despite what you did there last year, expecting her to believe you when her experience of what you did last year is exactly the opposite of what you assure her it's going to be like this year.

In the second place, you are playing games with her yourself.
She has stopped me having a day with our baby today and also told me earlier that it's over for good and she's moving on which just makes me resent her and makes me want to go to the festival.
And you are not listening to her when she says it's over, and you don't seem to understand that you blew it.

You clearly want to go to this festival. It shines out of practically every single post here. You are fooling nobody.
Go to the festival.
Kiss girls.

You and the GF are better off without each other as I said in my first post here.