Gutted :'-(

[Sassy777]

Been seeing a lovely guy for a few weeks now and this morning he phones to tell me his life is too busy and he needs to break it off with me. He is a couple of months away from finishing his house and his ex still lives there and won't move out until the house is sold and she gets her cut. She's on his back all the time about it apparently.

I'm gutted as I really like him. He's just sent me a long email explaining himself and I just don't even know if I can be bothered to respond. He wants to phone me again tonight but it's pointless isn't it. He says he likes me too much and wasn't expecting to like someone this much. But he's away with work next week and then away again for 2 weeks in august. I just feel like telling him to grow some! But it wouldn't solve anything.

Well said Soft

Thanks all :-) Knew you'd make me feel better.

I haven't replied to his email, but might do tomorrow just because I want to say my piece as I was too stunned on the phone earlier. I want him to know what an idiot he is. Although I'll make it clear that I'm not asking him to change his mind at all. I wouldn't go there.

Even if he does change his mind, unfortunately (for him) that's it. The trust is gone... I'd always wonder when he'd do it again.

Oh well, my match.com subscription doesn't expire until December so I'll reactivate my account when i'm feeling ready again!

Soft what a twat he was! I've already deleted the photos I have of him... not sure when i'll delete his number though... luckily he's not on facebook so i'm not friends with him there.

He sent me a good night text with kisses last night just like he always does! Wtf.

Please please don't reply! You don't need to engage with him to "say your piece". The best, most ego-bashing way you can "say your piece" is to say it with actions. Literally, total silence. No contact at all. That says EVERYTHING, and far more effectively than contacting him EVER could.

Think about it -- if you contact him to say "I'm no longer interested in you", it's not true. If you genuinely weren't interested, you wouldn't contact him AT ALL. So contacting him immediately shows, without doubt, that you still like him.

He won't listen to the words you use, he'll just hear the actions. "Heh, she rang/emailed/texted me."

Please just let it go. You'll feel AMAZING in the future if you literally just waltz off silently and never ever let him know he broke your trust, pissed you off, upset you, anything.

Get straight back on Match and make a vow that you will never engage with people who've hurt you.

Silence is the only language you can use in a break-up to show IMMEDIATELY that you've moved on. Any other contact shows you're still interested. I promise.

Let him wonder how you are, what you think, whether you're upset or relieved. Let him think, "why isn't she calling me to have a go, like all the other women did?" Let him have NO CLOSURE WHATSOEVER.

Turn the tables - if you'd dumped him (over the phone and email, both horribly and cowardly), and he contacted you the next day, you'd think less of him. It'd be obvious he was still Thinking about you. Upset always equals interest. But if he just vanished, you'd never quite know.

Very similar happened to me. Dating for 3 months, very happy and then all of a sudden it was all off. I didn't make any contact for a month or so then was away with work and had a text asking me if I wanted to have a catch up. We have just celebrated our four year wedding anniversary and have two children together.

Just wanted to share a different point of view but I know how you must be feeling as it's horrid.

Totally agree with Whats. Don't reply. If you need to get stuff off your chest, draft an email or letter to get it all out but do not send it.

The day after I deleted Mr Twat's contact details he text me. I can only assume he'd noticed I'd deleted him off Whatsapp because he usually used that rather than text. Like yours, it was a normal 'How are you? I'm up to x, hope you're well' type text with a kiss at the end. I read it a couple of times, marvelled at his utter stupidity in letting me go, then deleted the message without responding. Silence speaks a thousand words, Sassy. Don't engage with him at all.

Preggers I think that's what his plan is. He mentioned something about needing a couple of months to finish his house and cooling it off til then. Pfft! What did your man say when you had that catch up?

if he was into you, he'd make time.

A man who reallllllllllly liked a woman wouldn't give her 2 months off while he finished his house. He'd be too scared she'd be snapped up by someone better.

If you do want him to come back in the future, silence is the best way to make that happen. The silence will really really GET to him and make him constantly wonder/panic/worry what you're up to.

I read a dating book years ago that mentioned something called an 8-Week Wait. The author (a psychologist) said it takes men (sorry to be sexist and lump all men in together) eight weeks to process the loss of a relationship.

So when a man dumps you, you vanish silently and just mark a spot on your calendar exactly eight weeks from the break-up. For the next eight weeks, you do NOTHING. No contact, no re-reading his emails, no listening to his old voicemails, no talking to his friends, nothing. You simply hurl yourself into YOUR LOVELY LIFE and make no contact with him whatsoever. (If you do make contact, you have to then re-set the eight weeks and start again, from the date of that contact.)

After eight weeks of not hearing from you, a man will FINALLY realise how he really feels. And then (usually) pop back up trying to re-establish contact. She said it was often 8 weeks to the day.

Try that? Eight weeks from yesterday takes you to Wednesday, 3rd September. Don't contact him at all in that time. (If the urge to contact him gets almost irresistible, tell yourself you CAN contact him after Sept 3rd, and that if you do it before, you have to re-start the 8 weeks from the very beginning.)

In the meantime, spend your time thinking about friends, work, family, exercise, beauty, doing fun new hobbies, meeting new men on Match, reading really great books, working through a list of the 100 Best Films Ever Made, writing a screenplay, learning to waterski or fire-eat or rock-climb... Anything Except Him.

Then see! The author made it found INFALLIBLE. And if he DOES come back by. Sept, you'll know a) that he came back of his own accord, b) that you handled yourself with elegance and grace and steely dignity, and c) how you really feel about him after 2 months focusing on you.

The ladies are right, OP:

Don't reply to emails or texts, don't take his calls, delete, block.

I would also reactivate my profile - nothing like abit of male interest to distract you from one who turned out to be a dud.

Hope you and your friend had fun last night!

Oh, and if he contacts you before the eight weeks are up, you let it go to voicemail and don't reply. At least not straight away.

Please gather up some fiery indignation about his behaviour! He DUMPED you. What an idiot!! No way will you give him the satisfaction of knowing he has crossed your mind for even a split second after doing that!

You are tossing your fiery mane and moving on up! Fuck him! He doesn't get rewarded (by hearing from you) after he DARES to dump you! No way!

That kind of attitude. Not "I can't wait to tell him what an idiot he's being, and give his email minutes of my attention with a full reply where I list how much better off I'll be without him" etc. ugh.

I'm ranting now -- sorry!! I'll stop! This issue is a particular bugbear of mine!!

Massive hug. Reactivate your match profile as soon as you possibly can. Try to get out this weekend (are you kid-free?) all dressed up and have a laugh with your friends. Let him sweat in your silence and start to think, "Hmm - did I make a mistake?"

What everyone else said. Might be ready for something when the house is finished. Fuck off. Stay strong Sassy. Say your piece but don't be hooked back in and let him know you want no more contact again. Even when/if he's ready

I have a rather beautiful solution as similar happened to me. Get yourself straight back onto the dating site, and some free ones too, and get 'dating'. I think we are too quick to try and get exclusive, I decided at the age of 36 to get all American and date a variety of men. Doesn't mean sleeping with lots of people, just going out for a drink or dinner and having fun.

This then turned into two men that I dated regularly and then one man who I dated exclusively which led into my DP and our son.

So you don't have to bin this bloke, you can file him rather neatly away for the time being and get back out there with some other contenders. If you do reply to his email be wonderfully breezy and I promise you once he sees you put and about dating again he will suddenly have a change of heart. Then if you want to date him occasionally that's fine, but make sure he doesn't think you are exclusive.

Down the line you may find he has a total 180 degree personality change, however he does sound very much like my ex and he never did shake off his ex partner and continued to be flakey so he had to go in the end, it became incredibly annoying.

Seriously, don't waste energy on replying to his email and saying your piece. In fact, do not waste one more iota of brain or heart space on somebody who has told you that he doesn't intend on spending energy on you. There is no point in telling him what an idiot he is and it just makes you look bad. Move on. And good luck- you sound great and far too classy for this guy.

If he is genuinely busy he will get back in touch when the house is finished. Of course you are busy all week.

If it isn't genuine and he is trying to see what shit you will put up with your best bet is to not contact him at all and see if he comes running.

When DH and I met it took 2 1/2 hours door to door so we only saw each other twice a week but we spoke on the phone daily and we saw each other as much as we could. Even when he was studying he still came over at least once a week. No game playing, no angst. Just a lovely relationship right from the start.

It's our wedding anniversary today .

Totally agree with people saying to go no contact and " get back out there".
Many years ago my bf told me he was so busy he didn't have time to see me any more .. I was stunned but said that was fine , got him to walk me to the bus stop ( told him I couldn't see the point of wasting the rest of the evening ). Two days later he turned up on my doorstep to ask me out again .
Over the next three years this happened twice more ... each time I said " ok " and walked away . On one occasion I telephoned a friend whilst still in floods of tears and went dancing !! He called round within hours to find me out .Each time he changed his mind and asked me back .

Walk away , no contact , no begging him to stay etc. if he comes back it will be because he really wants to . But meanwhile there are plenty of fish in the sea .

By the way ... I married him , am still married 43 years later.

Blimey 4seasons, you must've realllly liked him to put up with that happening over 3 years. I don't think I could do that... i'd be too upset and be on edge. Glad it's worked out for you though!

I haven't contacted him at all and don't think I will, going by what I'm reading here. And the more I leave it, the more I cba, even though I do really like him. Maybe I've had a lucky escape?! My friends are telling me they didn't think he was good enough for me anyway lol. None of them met him as he lives in the next town (only 15 mins away) and I hadn't yet got to that stage. At least it means I have little chance of bumping into him.

Whatsgoingoneh that's really interesting. I'll let you know if he contacts me in september! And yes I am pissed off with him... I'm a bloody catch and he knew it too! Said he'd never chased anyone as much as he chased me (that was 3 weeks in) and we are both nearly 40! I'll find someone else who deserves me.

So he's happy to leave you for a couple of months and expects you to be there after, he's also not bothered his arse if you get swept off your feet by another man.

He's not interested OP, he'd make the time.

I wouldn't tell him anything either.

I can only add to the 'no contact' gang; you don't need this sort of rejection in your life. I was seeing a lovely guy for 2 years with an ex wife apparently well and truly gone. I got the 'need time for myself' line, sent one email advising the behaviour wasn't very nice but good luck. No contact ever since. Lifes too short you don't need this sort of behaviour.

How are you OP?

I was ok until teatime yesterday really... got an email from my solicitor re the divorce and that just reminded me that I've been rejected by 2 blokes!! Then had to see stbexh all morning today for the school sports day.

Going out tonight with the girls which I'm really looking forward to.

Not looking forward to Sunday as I know I'll feel sad as we'd arranged to go out for the day :-(

Don't be daft! Most of us get rejected by a lot more than 2 blokes!! Doesn't mean you have to cling on to a twat!

Sunday - you haven't made plans yet. Lie in, brunch, walk in the park with a good book, yummy M&S food for dinner and a nice bubble bath while you have a tasty drink then a dvd in bed with hot chocolate. Sorted.

Thanks, I'm going to arrange to meet a friend for lunch i think. I have a lot of friends luckily, so someone is bound to be free!!

I just feel so stupid!! And really low this afternoon. I just reactivated my Match account but really couldn't be bothered to look at anyone's profile. Roll on 8pm!

p.s. I still have a dvd of his... I'd post it to him but can't remember the number of his house!! What should I do with it?!