Quick - advice needed please. How much of a bitch should I be?

[Metamorph]

Was on holiday with DP and DD until last week. We were due to come back last Thursday. When the apartment became available for an extra week, DP decided to stay for this weekend. I had to get back for work, so I came back on my own on Thursday as planned (with massive suitcase, DD and pram.)

He's just called to ask if I can sort out his flight home.

He was too slack to get to the airport before last Thursday, so he just wasted his existing ticket - didn't change it.
He has no credit card and his money has now run out.
For a blessed change his parents have actually not bailed him out immediately.
He has a roof over his head and food in the apartment.

How long should I keep him waiting before bailing him out? this is a problem entirely of his own making.

Metamorph,

I particularly liked this comment, I feel it is relevant to your situation:-

"Every time you find yourself making an excuse for his behaviour, trying to justify why he is like he is, I would ask you to turn your attention to yourself and ask yourself why you are so kind to him and yet not to yourself? Put the focus back on your life not on his".

I would reiterate that you need to consider your own daughter here as well. She is witness to all this too and unlike yourself she cannot choose to ignore it, she has no choice but to see it all.

If you make an ultimatum you need to stick to it to the letter. Any leeway on your part will give him the green light. You're right on one count though - you need to just be doing (using the Nike expression) and not just saying. He can manipulate you.

You say yourself you know his current behaviours of being helpful will not last but you'll enjoy it while it lasts anyway. If that is not a self defeating attitude then I do not know what is. He is dragging you both down with him.

Metamorph, you allow your partner to treat you this way, which in an indirect way condones his behaviour, and your dd sees that. Which must be very confusing for her, since I'm sure she also knows that you're unhappy about that behaviour.

Then again, it's always easy for people outside a relationship to see things clearly - not so much for those of us inside!

let me get this right
he doesn't work - so you support him
he isn't a sahd
he is trying to win you over by tidying
what does he do all day? while your at work
what are you getting out of this relationship?
what differance would it make to you if you split up?he could still see dd he may appreciate her moreif he could only see her on set days
this isn't an equal partnership you deserve more so does your dd

DIY smells?

Just caught up with this, Metamorph. What exactly does he mean when he says that you are going back on your word and behaving unforgiveably? And did you kick him in the knackers as soon as he said it?
I'd ditch him now. Don't wait for it to get really bad (which it will if he's an alcoholic).

Your dh needs a job or training IMO. If you want to give your relationship any sort of future, you must get your dh out into the wide world.

You say you love this man, and you already are looking after him - use these as positives to help him find work. Plenty of partners do that for their other halfs for all sorts of reasons. I have done it for mine.

If he totally refuses to consider work or training this could bring things to a head and make your future move clearer to you.

Living with a partner who isn't working for now (and the work thing is brushed under the carpet) is IMO different to living with a partner who refuses to work, ever. If you get to that point with him, that may give you the impetus to leave or issue an ultimatum you feel ok about sticking with.

Forcing your partner to consider work or training for his future will also bring the alcohol dependency out in the open. With more structure to his day to day life, more reason to get up in the morning, and with increasing self esteem that might be what he needs kick start him reducing his drink dependency. Or it might not.

You must remember life keeps changing. It is lucky that you both have loving, supportive families, his parents can afford to bail him out and you have a well paid job. But things might change, money may get tighter, you may lose your job, you may start worrying about your pension - so don't be deluded that your present safety nets are there for good.

I don't say you must leave him, but do open your relationship to change and make damn sure your partner knows you see the present set up as temporary.

Metamorph, just wanted to add my voice to the chorus! So he's done a bit of tidying. Hoo-bloody-rah. And he only did that because he's got himself into a crisis worthy of a particularly selfish gap year kid.

Unless you can use the tidying as a kick-start to him, and you, permanently changing your ways, this relationship is doomed. If you carry on as you are, it will damage you and your daughter. He's got no incentive to change. Maybe he can't change. But that's his choice. You have to look after your dd and yourself. And stop letting this leech drain you (both). Kick him out! Show your dd that this behaviour is NOT acceptable.

Just been thinking more and there is another thing going on here. Your dp's situation is not so uncommom amongst dps - only they tend to be female from a well off family:

Male partner brings in a big wage, finances permit a full time nanny, so female partner can afford not to work outside the home.

Of couse lots of female partners like this contribute hugely to the family as paid for childcare can only do so much. And work hard too - see numerous posts about it on mumnset!There is volunteering, running a large household etc etc.

What makes your dp different is that he has an alcohol problem and is very idle at home. But even this is not so uncommon, I suppose.

If metamorph was a man posting about their female partner would the advice given here to 'leave him' be quite the same?

Metamorph, are there many high waged single income families in your social circle? Has your partner seen this as a normal arrangement and that demotivetes him still further?

I didn't really mean this thread to turn into a comprehensive review of my family life, but I'm glad it has, and I really appreciate all your comments, and the fact that so many of you have obviously given it so much thought.

As it happens, the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a crisis point for us, and yesterday i even had my father on the phone, saying in the most supportive way possible that he thinks I should walk away.

However, a combination of factors, including the tough love advice I've had on here, have I think hardened my attitude. I think DP senses a change in my approach. He knows that I've detached from him to some extent, and that he's pushed me to the point where it wouldn't take much for me to go. My attitude now is that I live my own life and if he feels like being involved then he's welcome. DD and I won't wait for him - we'll enjoy the fun times with him, but if he's not around then we'll just have fun times together and with our friends. He's the loser in that case.

I'm not going to give up yet. You must believe that I honestly don't think I can single-handedly save him from himself. In fact, I'm now abdicating any responsibility for him. What he does with his life is his business, but I want certain chores done before I get home each day. That way, I feel less resentful and DD gets to see a slightly more balanced division of labour.

I am the child of divorced parents, and I've effectively had 4 step-parents in my life. Three of them haven't been bad, and I know that most step-parents are loving, caring people. That said, I know what it feels like to be in that situation, and it's not always great.

Before I give up on this situation I want to know that I have given it my absolute best shot. The difference now is that I have timescales in my head, during which time I need to see significant improvement. It's not an easy choice, particularly since I know that I'm worrying both my parents. But I am financially independent, so I know I can walk the minute I'm ready.

To those of you who want me to get straight out - you haven't persuaded me, but you really have strengthened me. thanks.

(Blu - they were using paint-stripper, which was asphyxiating us through the floorboards.)

I think we can all pick up from your tone now,mm that you've turned a corner in your relationship. Whatever happens, you're a strong woman and I wish you all the best.

I think it's extremely good that you are saying that this situation is not one you will put up with permanently. Make sure your partner fully realises that as well - and keep reminding him. And please don't believe him if he accuses you of nagging.If he does this, say to yourself, well that's what he would say.

He needs to be shown that people around him are not prepared to put up with his idle, drink focussed, non contributory lifestyle. There's a chance he can be led out of it, a chance his self esteem will grow. If not, you do what makes you happy.

metamorph you come across as an amazing woman.
Best of luck with you and your family's future.