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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Quick - advice needed please. How much of a bitch should I be?

87 replies

Metamorph · 10/09/2006 23:00

Was on holiday with DP and DD until last week. We were due to come back last Thursday. When the apartment became available for an extra week, DP decided to stay for this weekend. I had to get back for work, so I came back on my own on Thursday as planned (with massive suitcase, DD and pram.)

He's just called to ask if I can sort out his flight home.

He was too slack to get to the airport before last Thursday, so he just wasted his existing ticket - didn't change it.
He has no credit card and his money has now run out.
For a blessed change his parents have actually not bailed him out immediately.
He has a roof over his head and food in the apartment.

How long should I keep him waiting before bailing him out? this is a problem entirely of his own making.

OP posts:
Original poster
Metamorph · 10/09/2006 23:33

yes. I dearly hope that the situation will have improved by the time she's old enough to understand it.

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 10/09/2006 23:38

yeah. at some point i think you have to stop putting up with his crap, otherwise he's not going to change. he's got it really easy! doesn't have to work, can extend holidays at the drop of a hat, doesn't have to bother with the admin of it, because he knows someone will pick up the pieces. what a life!

how big a bitch should you be? on a scale of 1 to 5, about 9999999999999!!!!!

Blu · 10/09/2006 23:39

Who does the childcare while you work?

wartywarthog · 10/09/2006 23:41

good point blu

Original poster
Metamorph · 10/09/2006 23:43

it's funny, I've just started going to online AlAnon meetings (I kid you not - alcohol's the problem really) - and the approach there is to accept, accept, accept, and not try to change or punish the alcoholic.

I am finding this approach REALLY hard to swallow, and it's so refreshing to return to MN (I'm a namechanged regular), for a good dose of passion.

thanks everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Metamorph · 10/09/2006 23:44

nursery & nanny

OP posts:
bamik · 10/09/2006 23:55

See, this is the exact kind of crap that my dh would do! I would let him stew in the apartment for as long as possible then book him on the worst possible journey back ie taxi, coach, train, tube - the lot

Yeah, obviously he'd come back home with a face like a slapped arse, but imagine that feeling you'll have

Well TBH that's what I'd do

aitch71 · 11/09/2006 00:00

dishwasher university... ROFL

you have my sympathy, meta.

Original poster
Metamorph · 11/09/2006 00:13

It gets more outrageous. He just called back to ask for my decision. I said casually that I'd look into it tomorrow, and pointed out that it was his own fxxk up.

But according to DP, his staying there was my suggestion (and consequently, I guess, I'm now responsible for his predicament.) My exact words were 'there's nothing to stop you staying longer'. Hardly twisting his arm to stay.

Anyway, when he started to get bitchy I said that he'd blown his chance of help, and hung up.

OP posts:
kama · 11/09/2006 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bamik · 11/09/2006 00:26

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Good on U girl. Bloody cheek. So now it's your fault that he's still there.

Don't worry - he'll call back soon and he'll be nice as pie

kama · 11/09/2006 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aitch71 · 11/09/2006 00:34

why do you think his mother isn't bailing him out this time? what's different about this?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2006 06:52

Metamorph

This is how I see it:-
Your idiot partner is expecting you to bail him out. You had to go home anyway because you had to return to work.

I would advise him to go to the nearest British Consulate and ask them to help him. Do not do anything else for him. He already has a mother and now you are carrying on the role that his birth mother has done. He's an immature manchild - you have one child, you do not need another.

On a wider note here why do you let yourself and by turn your DD put up with all this crap that he's throwing at you?. It will affect her as well y'know and she won't thank you for it.

As for this comment of yours:- "I dearly hope that the situation will have improved by the time she's old enough to understand it" I think that is wishful thinking and at heart you know he is not going to change.

He is certainly no "DP" is he?. Ultimately you may well have to take a long and cold look at your relationship and ask yourself whether he is really worth it.

tribpot · 11/09/2006 06:56

I'm not sure why you want this person to come back at all, quite frankly!

Earlybird · 11/09/2006 06:57

Gosh, what a mess. I agree with others and think you should stand tough - especially as he doesn't stand to lose a job if he's late back. It would be good for him to deal with the consequences of being irresponsible. I imagine he'll be straight on the phone to his mum whining about how mean you are. I hope that his mum doesn't step in to bail him out.

wartywarthog · 11/09/2006 07:22

you say that alcohol is the problem, and that as his partner you should be supportive of him no matter what he does. but surely that's if he realises and admits he has a problem? which he doesn't seem to.

Blu · 11/09/2006 09:37

OK. I know nothing about being in a relationship with an alcoholic, except watching my friend struggle through it for years, and from that I can understand the AlAnon position, because alll she has done is wear herself out trying to change him / help him to change, and she is threadbare with the effort. She also earns the money and pays for / organises the childcare, while her DP is a financial drain - by literally being a drain down which any spare family money flows.

What on earth does he contribute to your relationship and to your family unit? What kind of Dad is he, that you can't risk leaving your dd with him, and she learns that men are people to be absolved of any useful function?

Accept, maybe, but does that mean 'pro-actively help and bail out'? What if he is simply left to face his own rock-bottom predicament?

Good luck Metamorph - you have a heavy burden.

Original poster
Metamorph · 11/09/2006 16:03

Thanks everyone for your comments. I haven't run scared from your incredulous questions, just been working.
Quick update - because the apartment belongs to a member of my family, the embarrassment of having him still there with no firm leaving date has forced me to book him a flight home. I have called and told him that there's a seat for him on a flight tonight, but that I'll only give him the details if he agrees to stay away from home for a couple of days when he gets back. I've explained that I'm so angry and humiliated about the whole situation that I really don't want to be around him immediately, and don't want DD to feel the bad atmosphere.
Realistically he would have to go and stay with his parents, but he's reluctant to explain to them the background.
So I'm now waiting to find out whether he wants the flight or not. Either way, I've told him he needs to leave the apartment pronto.
Of course the flaw in my plan is that I can't enforce keeping him away from home - he has keys.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 11/09/2006 16:10

I'd also tell him to make sure he doesn't leave the apartment in a huge mess.

HuwEdwards · 11/09/2006 16:10

Metamorph, you are from your posts, an intelligent, articluate, hard-working woman with a good sense of humour.

And you're probably drop dead gorgeous too.

Can I be brutal and ask how on earth did you land such a deadweight in your dp?

Jackstini · 11/09/2006 16:13

Been reading the posts and wanted to ask another brutal question. if he is dd's father and he does not work, why does he not take any part in childcare and leave you organise nursery/nanny?
(Will understand if this is your decision due to the drinking though - not sure how bad he is?)
He really doesn't seem to bring much to the party when you look at the situation - are you ahppy with him or amking the best of it as you share a child?
You can tell me to butt out if you don't want to answer btw!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2006 16:21

When and why did you become his enabler?. It seems to me like you are continuing to do just as his parents have done i.e bail him out time and time again.

Again you have bailed him out by booking him a flight home: you've told him there is a booking. That was a huge mistake on your part to do that for him: I'd have left him to the mercies of the British Consulate officials.

He is very bad news for both your good self and your DD. He will end up emotionally damaging you both and it will take you years to recover from the emotional mess he has created.

You cannot act as someone's rescuer in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

I would really like to know why you are still with him - is it because of your DD or d'you feel you need to support him with his drinking problem?. He will end up dragging you both down with him.

Judessis · 11/09/2006 16:24

Metamorph, good luck in keeping him out of the house - would strongly suggest that if you want to end the relationship and keep him away that you change the locks today (before he comes home) so that you have control over your and DD's home. Whilst everything about this is screaming "get out of that relationship" I do understand that you may not want or be able to do that now - but if you do stay I think you have to have as realistic a conversation as possible with him about your expectations. Agree totally with AttilatheMeercat re the effect on your DD. Such a hard situation, hope you manage to sort something out that works for you all...

wartywarthog · 11/09/2006 18:34

change the locks. i seriously doubt he'll stay away.