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Original poster

How to know if he's just rude or abusive?

69 replies

Minimage · 07/07/2014 23:04

I'm in need of some help/support/advice/shoulder to cry on, whatever is out there. I'm a 40 yr old woman with 2 beautiful teenagers. I've been with my man for 19 years and married for 12 this year. 80% of the time he is loving, caring and fun to be with. We've had the odd moment in the past where he's been difficult to live with because work was so bad, you know walking on egg shells in case he shouts about dinner not being ready or the kids leaving their "shit" lying around! However recently it's been getting more frequent. He explodes for the littlest thing, I'm on egg shells again. Tonight it was because our son shouted at him. Basically he wanted our son to move from the sofa but he wasn't quick enough. He was asked to move "move" being the request! Our son shouted I'm moving so he grabbed our son round the neck and then left the room pointing at me and shouting you need to get him to respect me! Unfortunately I'm mouthy so shouted back I can't make him. He said he might as well leave as we only want him for his money! No one ever wants to spend time with him! This was a reaction to something that happened at the weekend. (Bear with me my thoughts are all over the place) I booked a court at the local gym for the kids, he was asked if he was coming to watch and he said "only so I can laugh at you" to which my son replied why bother then! So he didn't and then sulked all evening, going to Bed early, stomping around the house!

Is he just rude? The kids avoid him and stay in their rooms. He complains about them not wanting to spend time with him but he calls our son a prick, a retard or a dick when he's annoyed. He doesn't talk about our daughter this way. When they do join me in the lounge to speak to me about anything he turns the TV up and tells us to be quiet. If the kids talk back to him or stand up for themselves it's my fault and it's my parenting failure. I also undermine him apparently by not agreeing with his tactics on discipline. I have found myself standing over our son to protect him because he's been rough and pushed him in an argument.

He expects the kids to wait on him. He very rarely helps in the house but when he does it has to be noted and praised. He always does the garden though. He works long hours in London and if I got a proper job (I work 18hrs so I can be there for the kids) I would know what that's like.

I'm really struggling to understand what's what. When we argue, which isn't often, it's a real shouting match but I forget what I want to say! I'm so rubbish in conflict. He will front me, push up against me and get in my face but he's never hit me, I don't feel like he would but he does hurt our son, he says he hardly touched him or he's being a woos when he complains. I've said "go on hit me" a few times now but he never has. I hate the look of hurt in my sons face. But he's nice 80% of the time! Am I mad?

Sorry there was a lot to get off my chest.

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 07/07/2014 23:07

He is verbally and physically abusive to both you and your children.

Kewcumber · 07/07/2014 23:07

Does it matter if he is just rude or abusive?

He sounds horrible.

Kewcumber · 07/07/2014 23:08

he calls our son a prick, a retard or a dick when he's annoyed how on earth can you put up with that. Your poor son.

Cabrinha · 07/07/2014 23:10

You poor thing.
Why the need for a label though?
Rude is abusive.
But you can end a marriage because if rudeness "only" you know.
Your life with him sounds bad :(
And your poor son!

thisisnow · 07/07/2014 23:11

He shouldn't be getting in your face or grabbing your son by the neck. My Dad worked long hours at a stressful job but he never laid a finger on us or took his stresses out on us.

BerylStreep · 07/07/2014 23:14

He is horrible, and your poor DC obviously dislike the way he behaves.

You know the answer to this.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2014 23:16

I have a better term for him

disposable

LittleMissRayofHope · 07/07/2014 23:17

He's abusive.

He sounds tired and frustrated. But these aren't excuses.
Strange that he doesn't like his son but seems fine about the girl.
He sounds awful. Having to physically protect your son is awful. Maybe he feels as a male he is stronger then you2 'girls' and can therefore 'take it' but your son is still 'a child' and it's abusive and a disgusting way to behave.

daiseehope · 07/07/2014 23:17

No you are not mad, don't forget that, especially in the 80% times.

magoria · 07/07/2014 23:18

He grabbed your son around the throat!

You have to stand over your son to protect him.

How can you even have to ask if that is 'just rude'?

bringbacksideburns · 07/07/2014 23:21

he calls our son a prick, a retard or a dick when he's annoyed.

Having trouble getting past that and the grabbing of your son round the neck.

They spend most of their time in their rooms and he demands respect then acts like that??

botanicbaby · 08/07/2014 00:05

no, OP, he is not just 'rude'. He is abusive. Your poor son, no wonder the children don't respect him. He doesn't deserve it.

It is horrible to be walking on eggshells, I feel for you too. You are not 'mad'. You are all living with a horrible bully who has got used to behaving like this over the years and getting his own way. I can't see it getting any better.

What would you like to do? At least you have mumsnet to help get it off your chest. That is often the first step.

queenofthepirates · 08/07/2014 00:16

Run like the wind and take the kids with you before they get even more damaged. He may sort himself out but you need to protect your babies.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 08/07/2014 00:17

He's an arse

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/07/2014 00:33

Abusive, abusive, abusive. Your poor son . Sorry OP, but I would kick him out, and soon, because the damage he is causing to you and particularly your children is horrendous. The fact that you're not sure if his behaviour is abusive speaks volumes for the mindfuck he's done on you. Re-read your OP and pretend someone else wrote it. Look at how he treats your son .

Dirtybadger · 08/07/2014 00:54

I should imagine your kids wish you'd leave. How old are they? Don't be surprised if your son is off to a youth hostel as soon as he can. A few friends of mine had to do that to get away from abusive parents/step parents.

MillyDots · 08/07/2014 01:17

Your husband is behaving appallingly. Not that its excusing him but he also seems like a very unhappy man. Do you think the two of you are still in love? It doesn't seem like it. But still his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

tallwivglasses · 08/07/2014 01:21

OP I had to stop reading. Honestly I'm horrified.

adaorarda · 08/07/2014 01:54

very hard to read. hard to believe this has been allowed to carry on to the point that you are asking strangers about it and apparently not even aware of how bad it is.

our husband is HORRIBLE to you and your children. yes of course it's abusive. he is a bully and a criminal. what kind of man hurts children like this? never mind his OWN children?

can you imagine if he treated someone else's child like this? he would be arrested before you could say "what a total c*nt"!

how long has this been happening???

Charley50 · 08/07/2014 06:29

It's abuse. It will probably cause long-term emotional damage to your children. Is there any time you and your husband can talk rationally about his behaviour? You say he is fine 80% of the time. If he really is you'd be able to broach the issue with him.
Probably best to make plans for him to go.

Charley50 · 08/07/2014 06:34

You know you can call the police when he hits your son. They will get him out the house and you can get a restraining order in him. you need to protect your son from him. It will get worse as he gets bigger and continues to stand up to his abusive violent dad. I think youre scared of him so the way to do it is through the police.

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 08/07/2014 06:48

OP - I think that, in all honesty, you know what you need to do.

If you were in your children's shoes witnessing the verbal aggression, hiding away in your room and hardly daring to venture out how would you feel???

Protect your DC from this monster - he may not be violent with his actions (although I might cancel that last statement seeing as he has grabbed DC) but he is violent with his manner and words - ask yourself do you deserve better AND do your DC deserve better?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2014 06:52

I'm horrified that you have to ask. You must be so conditioned to tolerate his disgusting behaviour that you've completely lost sight of what's acceptable in a healthy, loving relationship.

Ask yourself this.... if a random person walked into your house, behaving the way he does and shouting at you and your DCs, would you be asking 'is this OK' on the internet or would you call the police and have them forcibly removed?

picnicbasketcase · 08/07/2014 06:54

Rude, abusive, violent and a bully.

You already know this. Think very carefully about what you want for yourself and your children.

43percentburnt · 08/07/2014 07:00

Yes he is abusive. Yes you need to get the kids out of this.

It is your choice to stay, they currently have no say, they have to live in this aggressive atmosphere. Your son is learning to be aggressive to his family, your daughter is learning to put up with an aggressive husband.

I suggest you involve the police as it is unlikely he will go calmly. As you witnessed the latest attack I suggest you report and get him removed. Do not worry about him getting a criminal record, he didn't worry that he could damage your sons neck or possibly slip and crush his windpipe. Does he do this in his 'London' meetings if someone sits in his chair?

I work long hours, my dh looks after the kids. I take an active part in family life. He is cruel.

Do you think you don't argue 80%of the time because you walk on eggshells or ensure he is happy in some way.

This is no way to live, your kids have no choice - you do.

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