How to know if he's just rude or abusive?

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I'm in need of some help/support/advice/shoulder to cry on, whatever is out there. I'm a 40 yr old woman with 2 beautiful teenagers. I've been with my man for 19 years and married for 12 this year. 80% of the time he is loving, caring and fun to be with. We've had the odd moment in the past where he's been difficult to live with because work was so bad, you know walking on egg shells in case he shouts about dinner not being ready or the kids leaving their "shit" lying around! However recently it's been getting more frequent. He explodes for the littlest thing, I'm on egg shells again. Tonight it was because our son shouted at him. Basically he wanted our son to move from the sofa but he wasn't quick enough. He was asked to move "move" being the request! Our son shouted I'm moving so he grabbed our son round the neck and then left the room pointing at me and shouting you need to get him to respect me! Unfortunately I'm mouthy so shouted back I can't make him. He said he might as well leave as we only want him for his money! No one ever wants to spend time with him! This was a reaction to something that happened at the weekend. (Bear with me my thoughts are all over the place) I booked a court at the local gym for the kids, he was asked if he was coming to watch and he said "only so I can laugh at you" to which my son replied why bother then! So he didn't and then sulked all evening, going to Bed early, stomping around the house!

Is he just rude? The kids avoid him and stay in their rooms. He complains about them not wanting to spend time with him but he calls our son a prick, a retard or a dick when he's annoyed. He doesn't talk about our daughter this way. When they do join me in the lounge to speak to me about anything he turns the TV up and tells us to be quiet. If the kids talk back to him or stand up for themselves it's my fault and it's my parenting failure. I also undermine him apparently by not agreeing with his tactics on discipline. I have found myself standing over our son to protect him because he's been rough and pushed him in an argument.

He expects the kids to wait on him. He very rarely helps in the house but when he does it has to be noted and praised. He always does the garden though. He works long hours in London and if I got a proper job (I work 18hrs so I can be there for the kids) I would know what that's like.

I'm really struggling to understand what's what. When we argue, which isn't often, it's a real shouting match but I forget what I want to say! I'm so rubbish in conflict. He will front me, push up against me and get in my face but he's never hit me, I don't feel like he would but he does hurt our son, he says he hardly touched him or he's being a woos when he complains. I've said "go on hit me" a few times now but he never has. I hate the look of hurt in my sons face. But he's nice 80% of the time! Am I mad?

Sorry there was a lot to get off my chest.

I don't think people should give the OP a hard time. OP you wouldn't have posted if you didn't realise there is a big problem with your husband's behaviour.
What you need to realise is that each incident of name-calling, pushing, shoving etc adds up to a childhood, or at least, teenagerhood dominated by abuse. When your kids leave home they won't just shrug it off, it will have sunk deep down into their bones, or their psyche. It will affect their confidence levels, self-esteem, decision-making ability and way of relating in the adult world. They won't escape unscathed even when they are free of the day to day situation. You need to realise this and start to take action to change their childhoods for the better. Your husband won't change so you may as well discount that as an option now and start putting your children's needs first.

But I don't know how?
if you don't know how to leave a man who abuses your children, then you need to accept that you are also being affected by the abuse (brainwashing, etc.) and NEED to contact Women's Aid for advice.

These moments are so few that I lose sight of the bad things when it's good. I feel like it's just petty.
This is textbook abusive behaviour. no abuser is horrible 24/7, otherwise they'd have no-one to abuse. he's nasty only some of the time to make sure he always has victims available to him.

I'm a caring person, I'm not stupid, I just thought he was being an arse.
think of it this way. if your H walked up to a child in the street and treated him like he treats DS, would that just be H being "an arse"? think about it. what would the police say if they saw him do this to the child next door?

It never occurred to me that it could be abuse!
It did occur to you, that's why you started this thread. you weren't sure but now you know.

Maybe I am stupid, who lets their kids live like this.
I think you've told yourself this is OK because it's too scary to deal with. fair enough. but now you know without doubt that you can't allow this to continue. DO NOT ignore this. Crimes are being committed against these children, in front of your eyes. You need to LEAVE.

He wouldn't understand why if I left!
Why is that something you're thinking about? Who cares if he understands why???? just think about it! Do you think your children are going to understand why you let their father brutalise them like this? how YOU or HE feel about you leaving isn't the issue, it's how your CHILDREN are going to end up if they stay in this situation!

That's beyond awful. Sorry.

Well you have had lots of good advice on here.

Your H sounds very much like my Ex. I stayed too long :(

My kids have no idea about how a relationship works. My son is awful to his girlfriend, I have no idea why she is still with him, even though I put up with so much myself. My daughter is with a guy who treats her badly.

Please protect your children :(

Your H is an abusive bully.

Do you have any plans now?

OP - I'm a single parent - if I had a new partner that treated my DS like this (however intermittantly) would not under any circumstances allow him to move in.

Would you expect your son to put up with this from another adult - is it OK because its his father? Are you happy that you son knows he has to put up with it until he is old enough to leave, that you cannot/will not stop it.

Im looking into my options, I need some time to myself to make some calls.

I understand what most of you are saying and it's been really hard the past few hours. He knows something is up this time. I can't look him in the eye or speak it him I'm so mad but I want to keep calm to deal with things properly.

Thank you for your comments and advice.

He hurts your son. WTF?!!!

Good for you. Plan your options carefully and women's aid can help in terms of advice on gathering info etc before you make a move. Try to make copies of legal & financial info before you do anything

You shouldn't be the one who has to leave. If he lays a finger on your Ds again, call the police and have him removed. Your poor son.

My eyes are wide open now I just need to plan properly so there's no going back. If I rush out the door on a good day with nothing I'll end up going back. I've talked to my DS and if he lays a hand on him again we will call the police and leave. I do have somewhere to go but it will disrupt everything, school, college, work and I'd like to avoid that if possible so I need to know my local options first. If I have to we'll just go but I'm very practical and want the best re-start I can give my kids. They are my life.

I wish you all the best.
This must have been very hard to read.
It will take a bit of time to sink in.
You are absolutely right to plan.
Don't forget though. It's not just the physical abuse that does the damage.
Good luck with everything.

Plan quickly as once he realises he will probably ramp up.

Good luck!

Good luck. That sounds like a good way forward. Really your soon to be ex should be leaving if there is a way it can be arranged. Keep posting.

OP, honestly is this man worth your child's self esteem, I doubt it very much. This is his personality whether it's infrequent or not, I bet it's more than you care to admit.

He's abusing you and the children, simple as that. Your children, especially your son is learning what it is to be an adult male and my god I fear for how he will turn out, no doubt, a bully, just like his dad.

No man is worth putting before your children, they come first, and you, you are also entitled to a peaceful harmonious life, go grab it, you'll never get it with him.

I'm really struggling to understand what's what. When we argue, which isn't often, it's a real shouting match but I forget what I want to say! I'm so rubbish in conflict. He will front me, push up against me and get in my face but he's never hit me, I don't feel like he would but he does hurt our son, he says he hardly touched him or he's being a woos when he complains. I've said "go on hit me" a few times now but he never has. I hate the look of hurt in my sons face. But he's nice 80% of the time! Am I mad?

OP, just give it time, no doubt the hit will come. He's physically and verbally abusing you all. A normal, healthy relationship does not ever consist of ever saying: go on, hit me.

Yes, plan what you're going to do carefully. there's a lot of advice on here as to how best to manage it.

Absolutely agreed that he's being abusive now - hitting your son? your children stay in their rooms to avoid him? the name calling? and other posters here have way, way more experience than me in this situation. But just a thought - do you think if you sat down and talked to him, that he might realise what he's doing and try to stop? maybe with professional help?

Whats going on now is wrong and can't continue. But do you think he might (genuinely) want to change? or would he just get worse?

as i say other posters have way more experience and are advising you to leave so maybe that's the best option. Im just wondering if he realises how bad he's got andif he is one of those people who might change, if he did realise.

Vile, Vile, Vile. Sorry !!

Make sure you clear your browser history and anything else to protect yourself right now.