DH breaking down after affair - 1 year on

[runningLou]

This time last year DH found out I was having an affair - he asked, I told him. Since then I have had no contact at all with OM, DH and I are trying to rebuild things, we have new projects, moving house, new jobs etc. But I know (and understand) that he hasn't got over it and is still really hurt and resentful, but he tends to internalise everything. This morning he was going on a school trip (he is a teacher) and was driving to meet the kids - I got a text out of the blue saying 'I can't cope anymore, I hate all this so much'. I was so terrified he'd done something like he was going to drive off a bridge ... I know this sounds over-dramatic. I called him straight back, he was parked on hard shoulder of motorway and was sobbing down the phone, but said he was just tired. He hung up before we'd finished the conversation. I called straight back but went to voicemail.
Am so anxious about him, feel so guilty and responsible as it's my fault he's in this state. Just have no idea how to reach him or how to 'make things better'. Maybe we can't???
I know I have not been easy to deal with over this past year, I have been dealing with an ED and various other issues, and we are both stressed about the house move and jobs etc at the moment. I just don't know how to make him feel better ...

The best thing you can do for him is make a clean break and let him start fresh. He's in that horrible limbo world where he's so frightened that he's going to lose his family that he's trying his level best to forgive and make allowances, knowing all the time that it's never going to work. No wonder he's depressed. You can't make this better, you can only set him free.

you cant. You completely fucked him over.

I hope he can learn to trust again one day

He's not over it and he is never going to be over it.
He has tried and you have tried but it's clearly not working.
You need to end this for both your sakes.
It's not fair to keep on suffering like this.

You both decided to try. You both gave it a go.

You don't have to keep going 'just because'
You are allowed to realise that it's not going work.
He can't forgive and he can't forget.

I couldn't either.
I said I would try. But I couldn't really do it.
The trust was gone. The man who loved me and protected me was not that man anymore. There's often no coming back from that.

Agree with Cogito
Time to set him free!

Have you talked openly with him and kept on talking? Have you - more than anything else- listened to him? And kept on listening over the months? or at least given the him the chance to talk since he internalizes things.

You sound so sorry for what you've done and there are couples who survive an affair, as well as many who don't. Does he know how sorry you are?

Would it help to write saying how worried you are for him and how very very sorry?

Also, do you know why you had the affair, have you looked at the root causes and would you be tempted to have another?

The OP has been too tied up with their own 'issues'. Read the original post... it's all about her.

Oh, so NOW you are worried about him and for him?

Where was that concern when you were shagging some other bloke?

If you gave a damn about him you wouldn't have cheated on him in the first place.

Let the poor bloke go and start afresh. He doesn't deserve to be put through the wringer any more because you were too selfish not to work on your marriage.

Imagine if someone deliberately knocked you to the ground, then made a big fuss about helping you back up again. Would you really appreciate their help? No: having to rely on the perpetrator to get over it would make you feel even worse than before.

He is a bigger person than I could be - trying to rebuild a relationship you broke. He cant do it any more.

Good on him for trying, poor bloke. Sounds like separation is the only thing that will make his life easier.

You cannot change the one thing that matters- that you had the affair.

It is simply up to him - he can either live with the fact that he will never be able to fully trust his partner, or he can't. That he can live with the fact that his wife is the kind of person who could do this to her family, or he can't.

Sounds like - like a lot of people - he thought he could live with it, and he's finding that actually... he can't. I think lots and lots of people must go through this process.

I couldn't live with it.

Others upthread have pointed out that you could be doing more - are you focused on your own issues, is the selfishness that presumably facilitated the affair still there, etc. Do you know, even if that is the case I don't necessarily think that 'upping your game' there is going to help. You could truly examine your own behaviour, change everything possible that is making it harder for him, jump through every hoop in existence and it still wouldn't give him back that trust and faithfulness that makes a partnership a partnership.

So talk, and if the above is how he feels then I think you face separation, gracefully.

Do you have children together?

A bit harsh on the OP.

OP, have you been to counselling, either alone or as individuals?

Teaching kids is a stressful job at the best of times, poor guy. Agree that he has been amazing to try to make it work; I couldn't have done it either. Going through the pain of separation and divorce seems the far easier option to me.

I'm almost 3yrs post discovery of my husbands affair.
You can never ever understand what this does to to the person affected by infidelity. I even today cannot get that woman out of my head. I visualise what they got up to (even when we are having sex). I have flashbacks regularly to events that went on during the affair. when I asked him to leave. He moved in with her several times.
I fought tooth and nail to save my marraige.
He's been home for 2 yrs now, but the nightmare goes on for me.
I'm paranoid it will all kick off again any day.
I feel so insecure, I cannot trust him, even though he's reassured me that it was all a massive mistake on his part ( midlife crisis )
I try to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm ok, but I will never feel safe ever again. Some days I feel like throwing the towel in, and move out and start again, but I've known him for 38yr married for 32 yrs.
So never underestimate how you're husband is feeling.
I too internalise everything and my husband has no idea how I feel????

Is there any particular reason you are taking on so many projects at the same time? What have you actually done to make him feel better so far?

What is "ED"?

We have two DC, 6 and 3. We have talked things through a lot and still do ... we both want to stay together for them and neither of us wants to separate. The last time we spoke about this I asked DH if he would be happier apart and he seemed genuinely horrified and I felt that mentioning it had made him feel more insecure so I haven't brought it up again.

We are looking to make a new start together, and to move closer to family so we can get a bit more help with DC and have more time together.
ED = eating disorder.

You've had a tough year?

Imagine finding out he'd fucked someone else.

If you're this self-absorbed in RL I can't imagine you're much help to him.

He's probably scared he'll go from seeing his dc every day to being a EOW dad because you couldn't keep it in your pants!

Offer to have him be the RP and see if that makes a difference.

At least then you'll know if he wants to be with you or if he wants to keep his family together.

Some people can get over the betrayal of an affair; many people can't. It's been a year now and it sounds like the two of you need a very long, honest conversation about whether your marriage can work or not.

Are you desperate to make things right with your husband? Would you do anything to make him happy and rebuild the trust? If so, you need to tell him that, and listen to what he needs from you to make things work.

If not, you need to let him go. It's hopeless being in a relationship where the trust has gone.

I really don't think it should be you helping him, though. Apologising is good, but if he gets any help it should come from elsewhere - counselling, psychotherapy, his family.

Avoiding the subject is not good, however horrified he might look. He's insecure whatever you do; your comment just revealed what's going on under the surface, it didn't make it happen. How did you ask if he'd be happier apart? Did you start with "I don't want to leave you and I'm only asking this because you seem so unhappy"? You have to talk about this. If you don't talk he'll still be busy imagining what you are thinking and his ideas may well be far worse than the truth.

You had a tough year? What about him? He has to cope with job moves and house move, with a woman who totally fucked him over? No wonder he is resentful and angry, he is tied to you from the duty for his kids, he must feel so trapped and unhappy.

I have asked if he would prefer me to leave and if that would make things easier for him. He said not, he does not want to be on his own with DC, he wants to be a husband as well as a dad.

Good idea from Walter - have you thought of telling him that if you were to split, you would agree to him having residency of the children/shared care, whichever he wants? Part of his issue at the moment could be that he feels that unless he stays put, he loses more of the children - when he's done nothing wrong.

So it is that easy for you? Take a lover, and just nonchalantly present him with the option that you leave him, either a single full time dad or to see his kids now and then? He did not chose that for himself. You did.

You can recover from an affair. Many marriages do but the shape it takes is different and you are left scarred. If you work together you can end up with something better than you had before but yes that pain is alays there. it depends on how you respond to those painful memories and feelings.

I speak from experience. My DH had an EA. We separated then worked hard to get back together. It took a year to get back on an even keel. Flashbacks still happen though much less frequent. We use what happened to us to make us better. We even laugh at some of the things that happened. Ive never felt pain like it.

You need more time. All these distractions of moving house are keeping you busy/stressful. These are not what matter. You just need to figure out what to put into this vacuum your are living in.

Do you both understand why the affiar happened?

Belloc - harsh on the OP? Nowhere near as harsh as she was to her poor husband!

OP, you may both WANT to separate but you may NEED to separate. If for no other reason than his own mental health. He may only be saying he wants to stay because he desperately doesn't want to be a dad who doesn't live with his kids and only sees them on the weekend when he wasn't the one who wrecked the marriage.

Added to which, I never believe in "staying together for the kids" because it rarely leads to a happy home life for them as they will pick up on things.