DH breaking down after affair - 1 year on

[runningLou]

This time last year DH found out I was having an affair - he asked, I told him. Since then I have had no contact at all with OM, DH and I are trying to rebuild things, we have new projects, moving house, new jobs etc. But I know (and understand) that he hasn't got over it and is still really hurt and resentful, but he tends to internalise everything. This morning he was going on a school trip (he is a teacher) and was driving to meet the kids - I got a text out of the blue saying 'I can't cope anymore, I hate all this so much'. I was so terrified he'd done something like he was going to drive off a bridge ... I know this sounds over-dramatic. I called him straight back, he was parked on hard shoulder of motorway and was sobbing down the phone, but said he was just tired. He hung up before we'd finished the conversation. I called straight back but went to voicemail.
Am so anxious about him, feel so guilty and responsible as it's my fault he's in this state. Just have no idea how to reach him or how to 'make things better'. Maybe we can't???
I know I have not been easy to deal with over this past year, I have been dealing with an ED and various other issues, and we are both stressed about the house move and jobs etc at the moment. I just don't know how to make him feel better ...

Look, I'm going to put judgement about this completely to one side for a moment.

You and your husband decided to try and repair the relationship after the affair. The fact that he is still this unhappy more than a year on is very telling.

1. Has he had anyone to talk to about this other than you? Obviously you are a terrible person to talk to this about - he needs someone objective. But I imagine that lots of men would be too ashamed to talk to their friends/family. Has he seen a counsellor? Anyone?

2. Is your relationship any different now to how it was before the affair happened? Do you communicate any differently? Spend more/less time together? If nothing has changed, then this relationship is going nowhere fast.

3. Do you still see the other man through work or social occasions? Did you husband know him? If you still see this person, or if it was someone your husband knew, then that's obviously going to be a huge gaping wound for him.

4. If he has been seeing a consellor, you guys have worked on other issues in the relationship, and there is no contact whatsoever with the other guy, it might just be that your relationship is irreparable. Sometimes both people can really want it to work out, but it just can't. Sometimes when the trust is gone it is well and truly dead.

It sounds like your husband is truly and deeply unhappy in this relationship (for obvious reasons). It also sounds like maybe he is struggling to accept the fact that it isn't going to work. He might be considering it - subconsciously - a personal failure on his part being unable to move on from what you did. Obviously that's not the case at all, but typically men like to "fix" things. It sounds like he is really struggling to accept that this is unfixable.

You need to encourage him to speak to a counsellor, and just do whatever you can really.

At the end of the day you should feel guilty, and I won't advise you not to. This whole situation is essentially a consequence of your behaviour and choices. I would say the same to a man who cheated, so I sure as hell won't say differently to you.

1. No, DH hasn't had counselling. I will definitely talk about this with him.
2. Yes, it is different. We communicate more / better. This has caused us to have more arguments than previously but we air things more. We are trying to spend more time together and will hopefully do more of this when we are closer to family.
3. No contact with OM at all and we live nowhere near. I saw him very rarely.

Maybe he needs more counselling , if he can't get over this you should maybe separate let him date other women and then if he realizes he misses you you can start again from scratch as he would have experienced other women . I'm in similar situation but can't live with the guilt so have left my husband for om as feel this is the right thing to do , in my mind you don't just have an affair it's a sign things are not right .

I think in order for a relationship to work after an affair, both need to fully understand why the affair happened and be assured that the reason for the affair will not be duplicated so it won't happen again for the same reasons.

Along with that comes reading out the thoughts and feelings of both. Yes the wronged parter will understandably feel hurt, betrayed, frightend, angry, inadequate ect. However, this needs to be dealt with to tease out the separate issues and make them more manageable. That's where counseling can be useful.

He needs to know how he feels and why to give him the best chance of coping and you both moving forwards. This can't be forgotten about, can't he the elephant in the room or the broken leg that doesn't hurt only because you aren't walking on it.

Hi OP. I've read this post with interest having only recently posted myself having discovered my husband has been unfaithful. Personally at this time I don't know which direction my relationship will take and perhaps I'm not "qualified" comment on yours, but here goes....

Although your concern sounds genuine and I think that maybe some of the comments may have been a little harsh, to be honest what strikes me most is how very little you have paid attention to your husband and his needs over the past year.

Although I accept he may well try to keep his feelings hidden (this is something I am often accused of), if you were truly trying to repair the damage to your relationship and recover from your infidelity, there is no way you should have not seen this coming.

For your husband to pull up on the hard shoulder of a motorway and call you sobbing, this has not come from no-where, and whilst you may think you're communicating better with each other, you clearly are not.

To me it sounds as though you've been trying to distract yourselves by a house move and job change rather than addressing the real problem. You cheated on him, broke his heart and that's going to take a very long time and probably outside support to start to mend - if indeed its possible at all.

I agree with a lot of the other posters here, you really ought to be seeking some form of counselling as whatever you feel you are doing right now, its not working.

I really do wish you all the very best.

How long have you had this ED for? The last year since you were found out or longer? What help are you seeking for it?

He needs counselling. He needs somewhere safe to talk about this, to finally decide what he wants, to get it all clear in his head. Whatever the outcome counselling will give him a breathing space.

How about you? Have youi worked out how you allowed yourself to do this? What will stop you doing it again?

BTW this time of year is exhausting and stressful for the teaching profession.

I might add that whatever my H felt about his ex_OW, he spent ALL his energies and attention on me for at least the first year. He accepted that whatever his feelings, if he wanted to stay with me and continue our marriage, every first thought had to be of me and my needs. He accepted that willingly. He didn't always do it right but between us we muddled through. He handled all my rages and my tears, he answered my questions again and again. Did you do this? Did you focus on him or on your own regrets and sadness?

Oh dear. Poor him!

OP you need to wise up. Encourage him to talk to you and be angry at you, for quite a while. Then ask him how he wants to move forward.

Say you'll do whatever he needs.

Sounds like you've been a real sod I'm afraid.

I dont think you sound selfish, by the way. You sound worried, and rightly so.

You may be worried but it is your actions that have caused his pain.

Some may think the comments are harsh, however if the OP had said her husband had had the affair the replies would have been a lot harsher.

Men whose wives have affairs tend to 'lose out' twice. Their relationships breakdown through no fault of their own and then the wife who caused the breakdown also is usually the children's primary caree so they lose day to day contact with their children to.