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Original poster

DH breaking down after affair - 1 year on

60 replies

runningLou · 07/07/2014 10:13

This time last year DH found out I was having an affair - he asked, I told him. Since then I have had no contact at all with OM, DH and I are trying to rebuild things, we have new projects, moving house, new jobs etc. But I know (and understand) that he hasn't got over it and is still really hurt and resentful, but he tends to internalise everything. This morning he was going on a school trip (he is a teacher) and was driving to meet the kids - I got a text out of the blue saying 'I can't cope anymore, I hate all this so much'. I was so terrified he'd done something like he was going to drive off a bridge ... I know this sounds over-dramatic. I called him straight back, he was parked on hard shoulder of motorway and was sobbing down the phone, but said he was just tired. He hung up before we'd finished the conversation. I called straight back but went to voicemail.
Am so anxious about him, feel so guilty and responsible as it's my fault he's in this state. Just have no idea how to reach him or how to 'make things better'. Maybe we can't???
I know I have not been easy to deal with over this past year, I have been dealing with an ED and various other issues, and we are both stressed about the house move and jobs etc at the moment. I just don't know how to make him feel better ...

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 07/07/2014 11:08

Yes but he shouldn't have had to make that choice, should he?

You chose that for him. And what gives you the right to do that?

You have ruined his life and now you're all upset that he's crying about it after your 'tough year'?

Your selfishness doesn't surprise me. Most people who engage in affairs are inherently selfish.

There's no quick fix to this.

Has he had counselling? Maybe he needs to work on his self-esteem so he doesn't think you're his best bet?

CroydonFacelift · 07/07/2014 11:10

OP, has your DH had any counselling? It sounds like he really needs a private and safe space to talk his feelings through and work out what he wants to do going forward. He has bottled up his feelings over your affair and busied himself with new projects, job, house (a common response, I would imagine), but this approach obviously isnt working. I really feel for him.

I dont think you sound selfish, by the way. You sound worried, and rightly so.

I hope you and your DH can talk properly later x

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 07/07/2014 11:11

Pearl372 - speaking from experience I would like to suggest to you that maybe staying with your husband was not the right thing to do in the longterm. Its as if the longer the marriage has gone on, and I was married longer than you by the way, the more a person is expected to make it last longer.

With the best will in the world it isn't always possible to get over an affair and I think the longer a person has been married the harder it is.

You get to a stage where you think - I'm getting older and how do I want my remaining years to pan out. Could you maybe consider time away from your husband, time that will enable you to not let seeing him trigger horrible thoughts in your head? Maybe you need time out from your current life to see if having the time out is the medicine you need to move on from what happened. I think your grief has gone on long enough and that if you were ever going to be able to get over it and move on you would have done so by now or be well on your way to doing so.

You can message me privately if you like. I dont bite :)

ravenmum · 07/07/2014 11:11

It does sound a bit like you have both been keeping busy, busy, busy with projects, jobs, moving - anything to distract you from working on your relationship!

He didn't maybe understand your comment about you moving out as meaning that you'd really quite like being a single, unencumbered woman again?

blueshoes · 07/07/2014 11:11

He has had to take on all the additional stress of major moves for a fresh start only because you could not help yourself and managed to fuck some other bloke. Plus he now realises how little control he has over his life - you could make a mockery of your marriage vows AND keep the children.

You are the cause of his misery. How can you make him feel better? Not sure you can - he sees you everyday and you are a daily reminder of his situation.

Your OP is so matter-of-fact. I don't think you really get it and he probably knows that.

How have you dealt with the issues that made you stray?

CroydonFacelift · 07/07/2014 11:12

I also think MN is not a great place to discuss this. Have you got a close friend you can talk to instead?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/07/2014 11:13

All you can do is talk with him and leave all options open for him to choose what he wants to do, and then support him as you go forwards, possibly slowly.
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you both ATM

Dutchoma · 07/07/2014 11:14

The OP made a mistake, she has apologised, she is making every effort to rebuild their lives, which is also what her husband wants to do.

In spite of that he is still struggling. That is understandable and the OP is asking what else she can do and gets a load of abuse.
In another post I read about teacher support and wondered if that might actually help the struggling husband more than his wife feeling totally mortified.

08000 562 561

www.teachersupport.info/

Apparently it is a 24/7 helpline.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 11:14

I agree with NotNewButNameChanged... he's clinging to the OP against his better judgement because, like a lot of people, he can't imagine what separation is going to look like and is assuming the very worst. If the OP has disorders and other problems and he sees himself in the role of carer, that will be another barrier. He's clearly depressed to be breaking down in tears a year on. He needs help but I think he's so used to playing second fiddle to someone else that he doesn't know how to ask for it.

rb32 · 07/07/2014 11:15

I agree with Walter on this one - "He's probably scared he'll go from seeing his dc every day to being a EOW dad because you couldn't keep it in your pants! "

He's never going to want to leave as he'll lose waking up everday with his children, putting them to bed every night, homework, parties, ups and downs. Really a hell of alot and I'm betting that he'd rather all those experiences even with his own pain and grief over your cheating.

In reality, splitting up probably won't be as bad as he thinks it will (aslong as you let them live with him ATLEAST 50% of the time). He will still have the mornings, evening, upsa and downs etc. But he won't will he, he'll end up having them over EOW and maybe once during the week. I think alot of men get into this hopeless situation where they can't leave a cheating woman even if they're torn apart by their infidelity as they KNOW they will not be allowed to be the ones who have the kids live with them whilst the cheating woman becomes an EOW mum. Sucks for him.

BloodontheTracks · 07/07/2014 11:15

It's normal for things to crash after 6 months/a year. The wronged partner has their adrenaline wear off and realizes that it's not suddenly going to return to 'normal' ever again. That there is no return to pre-affair. And they have to look at what they settled for, what they fought for, a selfish cheater who never really felt much consequence for what they did. (Sometimes).

Truthfully, there is a self-leaning tone to your first post, OP. I understand it's hard but you might want to look at your tendency for narcissism. It's slight but it's there. He desperately needs your unconditional strength and support through this recovery period (it is early on I'm afraid). And it doesn't sound like you have been there for him.

It's very hard for men as they are culturally programmed not to ask for help, to be able to cope, to not express 'weak' emotions. So sometimes unfaithful women get away with MURDER because more emotionally repressed, kindly men without anger issues, have no avenue with which to express and resolve their enormous hurt. It sounds like this may be the case for you. I would suggest looking at 'The Passion Trap/Paradox' and reading about being a 'one-up' in the relationship. Also, I suggest counseling. Your DH may be reluctant at first but it could really help him to get you to see what he lives with every day.

foxinthebox · 07/07/2014 11:16

OP, i would get professional counselling for your husband.

Staywithme · 07/07/2014 11:16

OP, is your husband safe? Have you contacted school to see if he's there? Maybe I missed it and I'm sorry if I've misunderstood, but if I received a call from my DH, like that, I'd be doing everything in my power to find him. I really hope I'm wrong, but please don't tell me you're on mn when you should be making sure he's ok?

foxinthebox · 07/07/2014 11:17

And i don't think that you are a narcissist.

CroydonFacelift · 07/07/2014 11:17

I am amazed at the way some posters provide detailed analysis of what is going on for this man based on a couple of paragraphs of sketchy information. Its irresponsible! You dont know these people. You don't know what this man is feeling. Its massive projection on the part of some posters and it makes a mockery of this sort of thread.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/07/2014 11:20

Or, people have experience and are offering insight into what could possibly be going on.

If she wants professional help, an internet chat forum is not the place to get it.

Original poster
runningLou · 07/07/2014 11:20

He has convinced himself it happened because he was in some way a 'bad' husband. I have tried and tried to tell him this wasn't the case - for whatever reason I was feeling bored and unfulfilled and I dealt with those feelings in a really destructive way - not trying to make excuses for myself, I know it was stupid, wrong and I am immensely lucky he decided to stay with me.
I know that he is hurt and I really hate to see him suffering so much.

OP posts:
Ludways · 07/07/2014 11:22

I'm 7 years post discovering dh had an affair, it was hard work back at the start and it took a year before I could settle again, sometimes the feelings come back but we're stronger now than we've ever been. It took counselling for us both to get over it, I doubt we'd have made it without. We're 7 years post but it still gets mentioned, not in a blame way, just in a way that it's happened and we won't hide from it.

Throughout dh has been steadfast, he's never waivered in his determination to make us work again and has put his heart and sole into our relationship.

SIL had an affair, they decided to try to forget what happened and make a go of it. It's not something you can forget though, it needs to be addressed and discussed by both of you. Sadly, they didn't make it and are getting divorced.

You need to allow yourselves to have good times, if you don't have good times and enjoy each other, what the hell are you fighting for?

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/07/2014 11:22

Croydon stop being so sanctimonious. Firstly, you say she doesn't sound selfish. She had an affair and that by its own nature is a selfish act. Secondly, we may not know precisely what this man is feeling, but based on the 'sketchy information' the OP has given us, and (in many cases) our own experiences of being a partner who has been cheated on, we can probably make a pretty good guess.

CroydonFacelift · 07/07/2014 11:23

Then he needs counselling, OP. That is the only way forward. He needs an objective, supportive, private place away from you to talk his feelings through.

Then perhaps couples counselling for you both, if he decides he wants to continue being married to you.

CroydonFacelift · 07/07/2014 11:25

OP, wish you the and your DH best of luck. I'm off!

QuintessentiallyQS · 07/07/2014 11:31

"You don't know what this man is feeling." Hmm We dont? Do you think the OP is lying and that he really is very happy?

OwlCapone · 07/07/2014 11:36

What have you actually done to work through this?

punygod · 07/07/2014 11:41

OP, MN isn't the place for advice for someone in your position.

People will queue up to throw stones at you.

Counselling sounds like a plan.

rb32 · 07/07/2014 11:46

punygod - True, this thread shouldn't be about telling her her bad a person she is. MN is a good place to find out what it feels like from the other side though as lots of people have been through the same as her husband. She says he internalises it all and 'has no idea how to reach him' so maybe these harsh replies might wake her up to a different point of view/understanding to that which she currently has, therefore leading to a different pathway.