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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need help (long one sorry)

97 replies

Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 08:14

I've changed my name I'm sorry

So wedding is in three weeks! I've been with h2b for 8 years. We have never argued or had any major fallouts etc.

Last week I was on h2bs tablet and went to bookmark a job for him. In the process I found a link to a porn website he had an account to. This didn't bother me but to my own shame curiosity got the better of me and I logged in (easy he has the same pw for everything) what I found had bothered me. Massively!

I looked at the messages and found a chat with a girl from 4 years ago trying to arrange for her to come to our flat (he also described himself as single) the saving grace was the girl was simply amusing his fantasies it was clear she had no intention of coming down however they did send pictures to each other ð??¥

But on top of this I also found he had uploaded 4 pictures of me!!! (Some I had sent him/agreed to him taking but some of which he has taken while I am asleep)

Horrified and betrayed just do not come close to how I feel right now. We had a screaming argument last week and I left for a few hours to try and make sense of what has happened.

I came home and he broke down completely (emotion has never been his strong point) He has promised that he will never do anything again ever and will spend the rest of his life feeling horrible at what he's done to us. I genuinely believe he knows the severity of how much he has hurt me but I don't know how to get over it!

I do want to be with him and I just can't cancel the wedding but at the same time I feel like I am being a mug if I let him off with it

My head is so torn with emotions and I really need help

OP posts:

captainmummy · 08/07/2014 08:12

OP - You have spent that £20000 whether the 'lovely wedding' goes ahead or not.

noddyholder · 08/07/2014 08:15

What would he have to do to make you end this relationship if you can accept this? He has issues with sexual boundaries and respect Do not marry this man

noddyholder · 08/07/2014 08:18

This isn't an 'incident' that can be explained away and forgiven it's part of who he is

Rebecca2014 · 08/07/2014 08:44

I do genuinely believe that nothing was ever going to come from the messages that it was just pure fantasy. (Doesn't hurt any less though)
*
How do you know that? She properly was not the only girl he was talking to on there, if you look at this realistically... but your next comment "He only showed the world a picture of my boobs!" tells me everything, you want to just sweep everything under the carpet.

I told you before, this is just what you found out and I am sure he has done more creepy things and talked to different girls. Go ahead with the wedding but I have a feeling your be back here maybe in five years time telling us you have found out more stuff about this man.

It is not normal for a man to put pictures of his wife like that on the internet, it just isn't and your h2b has a dark side to him.

dreamingbohemian · 08/07/2014 08:45

I know 20K is a lot of money but if you think about it, if you end up splitting up later then that money has gone to waste anyway.

You're 24 -- far too young to tie yourself into such a depressing and stressful relationship, one where you always have to wonder what he's up to. He is not the only man in the world, you still have loads of time to find someone lovely who you can trust completely.

dreamingbohemian · 08/07/2014 08:47

I also think it's not really believable that he went from 0 to 60, so to speak -- from being a completely innocent guy who had never done anything dodgy to going on chat sites and inviting a woman back to his house. There must have been some ramping up going on that you still don't know about.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 08/07/2014 08:52

A 'lovely £20,000 wedding' where you get to marry a pervert?

Sounds a pretty hideous farce of a wedding to me.

You honestly think if you go ahead right now as planned you're going to feel anything on the day except revolted, and that you're bing taken for a massive fool? How do you honestly think you'll feel when you're at the altar looking into his eyes?

I'd want to puke.

Itsfab · 08/07/2014 14:42

Do not marry him because of the money. You will only waste even more when you have to divorce him as he has done it again and worse.

Head over heart this time but of course you can't marry a stranger. He isn't the man you love as he isn't the man you thought he was.

Not ALL men will want to "get out there." . DH has only ever slept with one person and has no desire at all to sleep with someone else.

Bottom line - if this was 2 months in to your relationship would you stay? History means nothing when it is built on lies, deceit, betrayal and illegal activities.

Itsfab · 08/07/2014 14:44

Value yourself more than money, please.

Jux · 08/07/2014 17:10

Have you told your best mate? Have you told your mum?

Original poster

Hurtingbad · 09/07/2014 00:45

I know it goes against every bit of advice on here but I have decided not to simply walk away.

I am incredibly grateful for every single one of you who took the time to reply to me and I understand that none of you may understand my decision.

I have invested too much into this (not talking money wise) to just have it all ripped out from me.

We are arranging counselling both together and separate for him and are still going through with the wedding.

If I cancel now we loose the entire lot and what if it all works out - it's been for nothing. If it doesn't work then ill cross that bridge when it comes to it.

I have set out rules and boundaries that he knows I mean.

I do believe this has been an isolated thing and I believe him when he promises me to be a better man.

I know you will all think me stupid and naive and I'm sorry if any of you think you have wasted your breath on me but I can't help but try and work through it all.

Thank you all again

OP posts:

noddyholder · 09/07/2014 07:12

You shouldn't have yo to police him with rules and boundaries will be very difficult to respect him living like that but I hope it works out You really should do the counsellingbetc first as it's too much pressure on the marriage

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 09/07/2014 07:29

Facepalm.

Sorry. I really hope that things work out for you. But even thinking about what he's done, and those photos (that will still be out there, downloaded onto some weirdo's laptop for their own gratification), just makes me feel ill. He KNEW that it was wrong, but still did it.

Anyway. Like I say, best of luck.

Itsfab · 09/07/2014 07:50

I think a lot of people will understand why you have stayed with someone who has betrayed you so much, we just wish you valued yourself as he certainly does not.

We will be here when it all goes wrong and he hurts you again.

And have you told your mother or friends? If not that tells you everything you need to hear and believe.

Good luck

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2014 08:01

If this is something you feel you have to do we can't dissuade you. You could have quietly ditched your thread and never come back to tell us so that's good of you. I really hope your fiance never repeats what he did and I hope you can relax around him night and day. I wish you all the best and an untroubled life ahead.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2014 08:29

I don't feel I have wasted my time.

I think you are wasting your own, but you are a grown woman and it is your choice

We will see you here again and the same support and advice will be available to you

Thanks for coming back to update, I hate it when people just disappear after others have taken time to try and help them

All the best x

MillyDots · 09/07/2014 11:17

This is your path and no one else can walk it for you. Life teaches us many lessons. Only you knows your man and only you knows what is right for you at this time. Good Luck and I sincerely hope that he has had a wake up call and turns this around.

Original poster

Hurtingbad · 09/07/2014 12:42

I'm hopeful x

Thank you all again. You will never know how you have all helped me

OP posts:

magoria · 09/07/2014 13:14

There is nothing you can do to protect yourself when you are sleeping.

No matter what comes out of his mouth. He did that for his own gratification. You will never know if he has stopped until you find out he hasn't next time.

Preciousbane · 09/07/2014 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 09/07/2014 17:25

Thank you for updating. I really hope that you have a fabulous wedding and that you and he are very happy together, that it all works out.

Don't worry about whether anyone here feels like they've wasted their time - if they do, then they've misunderstood the purpose of these threads. Advice and support are available here for whoever wants it, freely. We all know that people need to follow their own paths and make their own decisions.

I'm glad you were helped on this thread.

BelleOfTheBoys · 11/07/2014 14:17

I'm glad you were helped, I hope you're falling asleep at night safe.

I'm sad though. I can't get the image of him standing over you while you slept and taking photos of you to upload to some porn site it's just so creepy

Please, take care. And please, be very very certain this is fully resolved before you have any children with this man. A wedding can be undone later, at least.

Good luck xx

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