Need help (long one sorry)

[Hurtingbad]

I've changed my name I'm sorry

So wedding is in three weeks! I've been with h2b for 8 years. We have never argued or had any major fallouts etc.

Last week I was on h2bs tablet and went to bookmark a job for him. In the process I found a link to a porn website he had an account to. This didn't bother me but to my own shame curiosity got the better of me and I logged in (easy he has the same pw for everything) what I found had bothered me. Massively!

I looked at the messages and found a chat with a girl from 4 years ago trying to arrange for her to come to our flat (he also described himself as single) the saving grace was the girl was simply amusing his fantasies it was clear she had no intention of coming down however they did send pictures to each other ð??¥

But on top of this I also found he had uploaded 4 pictures of me!!! (Some I had sent him/agreed to him taking but some of which he has taken while I am asleep)

Horrified and betrayed just do not come close to how I feel right now. We had a screaming argument last week and I left for a few hours to try and make sense of what has happened.

I came home and he broke down completely (emotion has never been his strong point) He has promised that he will never do anything again ever and will spend the rest of his life feeling horrible at what he's done to us. I genuinely believe he knows the severity of how much he has hurt me but I don't know how to get over it!

I do want to be with him and I just can't cancel the wedding but at the same time I feel like I am being a mug if I let him off with it

My head is so torn with emotions and I really need help

You want to marry a man who needs parental controls enforced by a third party because he can't control himself. Just think about that he needs parenting.

Your photos may no longer exist on his PC however 10s maybe even 100s of thousands of people have looked, wanked off to and maybe even downloaded those pictures.

They are out there by his doing with out your knowledge. Do you think he would have stopped if you didn't find out?

Yuck what else is there you may not have discovered.

Everyone has more or less agreed on the solution Hurtingbad. They want you to dump him. If you both are very inexperienced and were Virgins before you got together don't you think you need more experience before you marry in case further down the line you also might wonder what it would be like to be with someone else ? The worse crazy thing he did were the photographs he took of you. Mmmm that's a bit of a hard one to get over. You could toss a dice to see if he would do it again but MNetters are almost all saying he will and your marriage is doomed. I bet you wished you hadn't asked now.

Sorry, love. Thing is, I think you are going to stay with him. Have seen it time and time again and it never works it's just a recipe for more misery (your own)

While I do think you should leave him, it is of course an option to take some time and see whether he does go to counseling, whether he does feel genuine remorse, whether you can indeed get over it. It doesn't look good, but that is an option.,

But don't marry him. That is locking yourself into a position that will be very hard to get out of if it turns out you can't continue.

And either consciously or subconsciously, he will be thinking that there are no real consequences for doing what he did. Crying and putting controls on the computer and going to a few counseling sessions is really nothing compared to the doubt and mistrust you will be feeling for years and years.

Listen to your head. The heart can be really dumb sometimes, we all know this.

Of course you desperately want to believe him and there may yet be a way through. However, the man you're in a relationship with is rather different to the sweet innocent kid you thought he was so it almost requires a fresh start. You need time for the shock/panic reaction to fade and to assess the reality. You may end up not being able to like or trust him however sorry he says he is.

I'd say spend some time apart rather than LTB, but what you can't and mustn't do is sleep-walk down the aisle with him with all of this unresolved just because you've picked a frock.

I've been married a long time and it's been great but if my DH did this to me he would be out the door so fast his feet would not touch the ground! What would he actually have to do to you to get you to turn away from him, see him for what he is and walk away? It doesn't get much lower than this surely? The old saying, 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure', was made for a situation such as this OP. Please WAKE UP! Sorry to sound harsh but what everyone else said too.......

Honey, run like the wind. I was in a situation many years ago where I found out something about my fiancee that would have been a deal-breaker for most people. I listened to his heartfelt apologies and rationalized that things would be ok. I was embarrassed to cancel the wedding. Oh, how I profoundly wish I had. We married, eventually got divorced and it would have been so much easier in the long run to have cancelled the wedding.
You'll do what you do, but at least think about postponing it for a while.

The online talk I could (in time) forgive. The posting photos if you on a porn site would be a deal breaker this man has no respect for you

This ^

Postpone cancel the wedding. This will NOT end well.

Calling off a wedding may well be difficult but it won't be as difficult as 10 years of looking over your shoulder every time you have a nap, followed by a messy divorce.

Its a hard call really isn't it. If you cancel the wedding you will lose all the money not just the deposit. You will lose all monies paid up to now and you will have to pay the remainder to the total too. Its such short notice and usually your contract will say this.
So I understand that if your not sure what you want. Could you phone the venue and see where you stand money wise first. Then you would be in a better position to think about what you want. If you cancelled it and lost thousands and then decide to go ahead and marry him anyway you will feel aggrieved that you lost all that money.

I would postpone the wedding, until this is sorted it will a dark cloud over the day and none of this is your fault.

Do you really believe he hasn't cheated on you? that is just a message he hasn't deleted...now, he was trying get a girl to go to your flat to have sex and if she said yes, it would have happened. I am sure there were other women he has talked to online. Very unlikely she was the only one.

He is also perverted enough to put pictures of you online asleep to get men to comment on them? Righhht. You have seen behind the mask he has displayed for you and boy is he ugly! I think this is just a small step into discovering his dark secrets. I will wish you luck as your need it with this man!

I am not judging you for staying with him but do some more digging on his computer, his phone (may be too late for that now due fact he knows) but really I think his hiding more than what you know.

Do you really and truly and honestly in your heart of hearts believe that until you found out and made it clear you weren't pleased about what he did, do you really believe that until then he didn't know that you would be upset about photos taken of you asleep and uploaded to the internet? Do you really believe that he didn't know you wouldn't like it?

Because if you do think that, really believe that, then he will need to be told every little thing that is out of order for the rest of your life, every little thing (and every big thing, and every medium thing, and you will have to anticipate anything that he may possibly get into his head forever), which is clearly untenable.

On the other hand, you could face the fact that he knew damn well how craply he was being (as well as being organised enough to have camera to hand when you were sleeping), and that you would be terribly upset by it, and then he did it anyway.

So yes, he will do it again, if there are no real consequences this time, ie, if his reputation remains unsullied, you get married in a few weeks, and you keep ttc.

Or, you could postpone the wedding for a good 6 months, kick him out for at least that length of time, he gets counselling, you get counselling (separately) and perhaps you might still want him at the end of it. Or you may not.

Tell people that there are issues which he is addressing. You don't have to say more than that unless you want to, but do not protect him. That is as dangerous for your future happiness as pretending it didn't happen.

How old was he when he did this?

Fucked up sexual boundaries are what led to him doing this, and a belief that you don't have rights over your own body. The thing is, people with extreme sexual behaviour escalate. They get further and further along the path of extreme and dangerous behaviour and it takes far more than an upset fiancée to arrest this pattern.
Your DF is actually a dangerous person. He has violated your consent and believed it was his right to do so in pursuit of sexual kicks. What on earth makes you think he will just stop this on a dime? It's addictive and thrilling and part of his psyche.
Heavy duty therapy might untangle some of the reasons why he thought this was ok - or it might not. But whatever happens you cannot be there while he is doing it. Please don't marry him, he's abused you and violated your boundaries and consent in a horrible, unforgivable way.

I think you should read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. You can download it on the kindle app onto your smart phone (if you have one.) See how many of his behaviours you recognise in that book. It really helped me to understand my ex's behaviour and get the hell out! Nice, non-abusive people don't upload pictures of their naked partners without consent, or try to sleep with other people in the shared home! I agree with PPs that he will get bored of the excitement from the websites and will start to push the boundaries more and more until he is cheating on/sexually abusing you. I don't mean to scare you, but it is often a reality and their behaviour sort of snowballs out of control.

Has he ever pressurised you into having sex when you didn't want to? You say you never argue, is that because you always agree with his point of view etc because you're scared of him?

he's never forced me into anything and tbh I'm probably the most aggressive/opinionated one of the two of us.

I checked I would loose the lot! Lovely £20,000 wedding up the shitter

Go between loving him and wanting to punch his frigging face in

I do genuinely believe that nothing was ever going to come from the messages that it was just pure fantasy. (Doesn't hurt any less though)
The only saving grace about the pictures is they were of my boobs.
I know that doesn't make it better but at least no way of publicly being recognised

I can see why you are reluctant to cancel given the financial implications. But it'll still be cheaper than getting a divorce in a few years if/when you decide you can't move past it.

You could always advertise the venue locally and see if anyone wants to bring theirs forward to your date?

he's never forced me into anything

Apart from having your breasts photographed and shared on the Internet? Did you consent to that?

Exactly what I was going to say, Ehric.

Please think about that, HurtingBad. He has forced you. Your boobs have been shared with the entire world - without your consent, without your knowledge.

He knew you wouldn't consent so he did it while you were asleep. What will it be next? How do you know there aren't any more, even more personal, pictures? Unless you're an IT forensic specialist, you don't know.

I am sorry that £20K will go down the pan. Can you postpone, instead of cancel? It would give you a little time to regroup and to perhaps do something else with, at least, the venue.

bloody hell....twenty thousand pounds. That must have been some wedding OP. My daughter has just cancelled hers with a month to go but she had done hers on a small budget and lost one thousand five. You poor thing. Did you have wedding insurance ?

Imagine yourself in 5 years, having cancelled the wedding.

So you think regret is what you will feel? "I rally wish I'd married the man who lied to me and posted photos on porn sites"?

He's pimping you out! Posting naked pictures of your private parts without your permission! And he's turned on thinking about other men wanking off while looking at pictures at you! None of this is good! At all!

Please love yourself more than you love the idea of being married.
This man has abused you by putting photographs of you online. That's a horrible betrayal and frankly, very creepy.
It would be worth losing twenty-thousand pounds just to be rid of him.

I agree with everyone ^

I should have cancelled my first wedding. ExH had done something horrible (not as bad as what yours has done) and I hummed and hawed for a week about it. Eventually I didn't cancel - I didn't want to lose money, I didn't want the embarrassment, I didn't want to 'fail' and I wanted to be a princess for the day.

Biggest mistake ever. My wedding day was ruined when he did something horrible at the reception - I should have annulled then, but no, I didn't.

The marriage lasted 2 years 10 months until divorce and the last year of it was the worst of my life, I was so unhappy. I was in debt for another year (thank God for Army accommodation and feeding or it would have been longer), angry and bitter and mistrustful for another year and I'll always have that 'been divorced' tick on my record "please list any other surnames you have been known by" on official forms still kicks me in the teeth every time.

I didn't cancel because of embarrassment and instead gave myself a good 5 years of sadness. If I could do it all over again I would cancel in a heartbeat. My best friend still says "You only married XX because you were too scared not to" and she is right.

Please think long and hard about this OP, even if all you do is postpone whilst he rebuilds trust. A non-wedding is a lot easier to get over than a divorce.