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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help (long one sorry)

97 replies

Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 08:14

I've changed my name I'm sorry Hmm

So wedding is in three weeks! I've been with h2b for 8 years. We have never argued or had any major fallouts etc.

Last week I was on h2bs tablet and went to bookmark a job for him. In the process I found a link to a porn website he had an account to. This didn't bother me but to my own shame curiosity got the better of me and I logged in (easy he has the same pw for everything) what I found had bothered me. Massively!

I looked at the messages and found a chat with a girl from 4 years ago trying to arrange for her to come to our flat (he also described himself as single) the saving grace was the girl was simply amusing his fantasies it was clear she had no intention of coming down however they did send pictures to each other ð??¥

But on top of this I also found he had uploaded 4 pictures of me!!! (Some I had sent him/agreed to him taking but some of which he has taken while I am asleep)

Horrified and betrayed just do not come close to how I feel right now. We had a screaming argument last week and I left for a few hours to try and make sense of what has happened.

I came home and he broke down completely (emotion has never been his strong point) He has promised that he will never do anything again ever and will spend the rest of his life feeling horrible at what he's done to us. I genuinely believe he knows the severity of how much he has hurt me but I don't know how to get over it!

I do want to be with him and I just can't cancel the wedding but at the same time I feel like I am being a mug if I let him off with it

My head is so torn with emotions and I really need help

OP posts:
Caramelle · 07/07/2014 12:26

I'm so sorry. I really think you should postpone the wedding. You can take him up on his offers to go for therapy (I think he obviously needs it), but I think you need to really look at all of this before you make a lifelong commitment to this man. Have you told any friends/family? I know it's scary b/c that will make it more real to you, but maybe that's what you have to do.

Original poster
Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 12:32

I can't tell friends or family because they will hate him and then I can't forgive him for sure.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/07/2014 12:32

Sweetheart, those photos of you he put on the WWW are there in perpetuity. he can delete them off his own hard drive, but he sent them out there to other people's who may have downloaded them and kept them for their own sick use.

It isn't enough. he has made you so vulnerable and he can never take that back. Men with a penchant for this knod of stuff obvioulsy have to break down a massive barrier in their own mindsets to do something like this in the first place...it is unlikely he can just put the lid back on Pandora's Box now. It would not surprise me if he has a habit of upskirt pictures on the Tube, covertly filming you having sex and all manner of dodgy stuff

Please don't marry a man who uses you in this way. He has no respect for your autonomy, no matter he says (words are cheap). Have some respect for yourself

Original poster
Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 12:34

I'm normally the one people turn to for advice. I hate feeling so broken.

Does nobody think I could move on and put this behind me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 12:37

And now I want to be defending him even though I know I would say the same to someone if roles were reversed.

This is so twisted

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 12:38

Here's the thing. You're currently in shock & desperately want to see this as a one-off error of judgement. You don't want to think about your formerly blemish-free partner as a flawed sleaze. You're looking forward to the wedding & a future together, you're ttc and you've a lot invested emotionally. So you're making big bargains with yourself that you can get over this, rationalising like crazy and trying to convince yourself that it's OK because he's really, really sorry and making all the right noises. 'Love conquers all' etc

This is all normal

But times of huge shock are not when you make big important, life-changing decisions. Not LTB and not carry on with plans to TTC & Marry The Bastard either. You need to get off the wedding conveyor belt, take some time away from him and really think through what this all means. Let this go without doing that and you're looking at a life time of mistrust, doubt, and wondering what he's up to next time he's 'bored'.

Him learning a lesson is neither here nor there.... this is a pivotal moment in your life and what's important is what you learn about you and what decisions you make as a result

noddyholder · 07/07/2014 12:39

It will never be behind you You will box it up and try to forget it and indeed people do for years but deep down you will know what he has done and never truly move on. It is not enough that he knows its wrong etc etc he doesn't he is just saying what you want to hear. People who have respect for others don't do things like this in the first place. Telling others will give you the strength to leave. This blatant disregard for you will arise in other ways if you stay.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2014 12:41

"He also deleted every photo/video he had of that kind and deleted his account. He says he will phone the sky and get a parental control on so I can be sure he isn't looking at they websites anymore"

Material on the net stays on the net. Your images are very likely to be still out there and on voyeur type websites to boot. Taking photos of you when you were asleep is a gross breech of your privacy as well as trust.

I would not believe a word of what he has said above in your comment either. Parental controls are already on Sky (tv) anyway; he has chosen not to use them.

And no you cannot simply move on and put all this behind you. There is nothing to stop him doing this to you again. All this man will do ultimately is already lower your perhaps already low sense of self worth.
He may well have rescued you at a bad point in your life but you cannot marry him out of gratitude either.

Heed the advice to cancel the wedding given to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 12:43

"I can't tell friends or family because they will hate him and then I can't forgive him for sure."

You don't have to tell people the warts and all truth but it shouldn't be down to you to keep his grubby secret either. If you tell others that you've been having some difficulties that need to be worked out and the wedding is postponed until you're in a better place ... no more than that.... then they should understand and respect your decision.

It's just personal curiosity but how old were you when you got together eight years ago?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2014 12:43

I also think he was upset primarily because you caught him out. I doubt very much also that he is at all remorseful and realises the severity of what he has done; its hard wired in him to do this type of behaviour.

HazelBite · 07/07/2014 12:43

8 years is a hell of a long time, he should know you by now and know how much this would hurt.
If my DH of 30 odd years did the same to me, he would be shown the door and I would tell all and sundry why!
I'm not suggesting you do the same, but does it not occur to you that there is something intrinsically wrong in anyones head who thinks it is acceptable and perfectly okay to post pictures of a DP on a porn website!
After 8 years you don't really know him at all do you?
Walk away now, and look forward not back.

Original poster
Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 12:50

Cogito we were 16

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 07/07/2014 12:56

What he did is even worse considering you have a history of MH issues and vulnerability. I'm sorry but no decent man would ever actually do such a thing.

You say you were the perfect couple, never had an argument in eight years. That's not entirely normal in itself, especially combined with this secret 'porny' side to him.

I would also be worried that you may not know everything. There may be other sites he posted to or things he did in person. He clearly does not have normal ethical boundaries so you can't be sure what else he may have done. This another reason to postpone the wedding, you need to be sure you know everything.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 12:59

The age is significant here. The childhood sweetheart thing can work fine for some people but it can also be handicap in the sense that it's easy for one party to remain arrested as a teen while the other one takes on the role of the adult.... marriage, babies, mortgages etc.

There's a chance he'll do it again because he'll get bored again. It's not to downplay the quality of your relationship but he's missed out on a fairly normal phase of development - dating - which is when most people satisfy their curiosity, try a few things out regarding sex and relationships and get their emotional corners knocked off. He's clearly still curious.

The biggest hurdle is not his behaviour, however, it's the consequence. Mistrust. No matter how sorry someone may be, once you don't trust them it is incredibly difficult to get the relationship back to the naïve innocence it previously was. You'll never look at him quite the same way again.

noddyholder · 07/07/2014 13:02

Do you really want to have to 'parental control' your partner?

Butterflyspring · 07/07/2014 13:07

You can't move on and pretend it didn't happen. I agree that there is probably very much more you don't yet know about. And he is sorry you found out, not sorry for his actions. He will continue but will be more secretive about it. Mobile internet, wifi without parental controls. You can't bolt the door after the horse has gone can you?

Please cancel the wedding. I suspect he is not the man you thought or hoped he was.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2014 13:14

If you have to have parental controls on your technology, you might as well be marrying a 9yo I am afraid

CakeUpWall · 07/07/2014 13:21

It worries me that you (and he?) appear to believe that now he's deleted the photos, that issue is sorted and you can move on. Not the case.

Those photos are now in the public domain forever. It probably wouldn't take much searching on your part to find one again. How will you feel in the future if a friend (or worse, enemy), colleague or family member stumbles across one of the pictures. Do you think your relationship could survive that betrayal?

I'm really sorry that you're in this position, but at least you found out before walking down the aisle.

noddyholder · 07/07/2014 13:24

Yes deleting them does nothing to address the issue that he did it in teh first place.

Itsfab · 07/07/2014 13:38

You can cancel the wedding. An actress called off her wedding the day before because her fiancé sent photos of her to his ex Hmm.

Call it off, take some time away from him. If you decide he realises what he has done is very serious and you feel sure he will never betray you like this again you can get married later. If you marry him now and find you can't move on then you have the effort and expense of divorce.

Get the self respect for your self your fiancé doesn't have for you.

Do not marry him because someone else will kick off about the cancellation.

Everything you have said is just a script. He suddenly wants counselling for something that wasn't a problem when you knew didn't know about it. You have to parent him so he can't look at porn Hmm.

Walk away. You will be doing yourself and your future children a massive favour.

You should feel safe going to sleep. Not wondering if he is going to take intimate pictures of you he is going to share with the world.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2014 13:47

If you are both 24 and got together at 16 and he has had no other sexual partners then I'm afraid he is going to want to 'get out there' and experience things sooner or later.

This is YOUR decision though.
Can you confide in 1 friend and talk things through with her/him?

You are so young with your whole life ahead of you.
Don't make the wrong decision and live to regret it.
You can however, delay the decision.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/07/2014 14:37

'I haven't told anyone in rl because I know if I do then I HAVE to leave him'

Yes! Good God, doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?!

You are with a man with habits and illegal activity so disgusting that if ANY of your family or friends in real life knew what they were, you feel that you would have absolutely no choice but to leave him.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2014 17:59

is this the point at which OP disappears, never to be seen again (under this name, anyway)

see you in a year or so, OP. Under a different name but sale ole shit

except by then you are trapped, possibly pregnant and very miserable indeed

AnyFucker · 07/07/2014 17:59

*same

Original poster
Hurtingbad · 07/07/2014 19:40

I've not disappeared I work shifts.

I appreciate everyone of you who is giving me advice.

My head is telling me one thing and my heart the other.

I so desperately want to believe his promises

OP posts: