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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sleeping separately - moving back in.

57 replies

SleepSolution · 06/07/2014 21:17

We've been sleeping separately for best part of a year (long story, basically he has insomnia, doesn't want to be disturbed by me or DC). We are moving house next week, downsizing and we there will be nowhere sensible to sleep separately. We shall be back in the same room, with two single beds rather than a double bed. I'm beginning to get very worried at the thought. Has anyone had separate rooms then successfully moved back together and got any tips?

I don't want to go back to sleeping on the floor, but just cannot see how this is going to work and I have no faith that this move is going to cure his insomnia in any practical way.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2014 21:30

This problem has gone on for a long time now. Has he actually sought medical help for his insomnia and if not why is that?. Everything in your life seems to be revolved around him and his accompanying insomnia; this is no way to live at all.

CroydonFacelift · 06/07/2014 21:34

Surely the effort should be put into finding a cure for his insomnia, not enabling it long term at the cost of intimacy and practical housing arrangement? Has he seen a doctor about his sleeping problems?

RandomMess · 06/07/2014 21:36

I'm an awful sleeper don't know what the definition is for insomnia but erm well that's my problem! I'm the one who wanders around the house, lays on the sofa etc.?

Vivacia · 06/07/2014 21:44

Have you posted about this before?

Has one of you been sleeping on the floor??

TheMoreItSnows · 06/07/2014 21:45

Had to post here with positive advice - we went to separate rooms due to insomnia (mine) & snoring (his) which were related via a stressful home life etc. I made the decision to go back to sharing after DH addressed the snoring issue, the insomnia issue I had was resolved via medication, life changes & the positivity of DH addressing his snoring.

Be really gentle with yourself - I started by having a mattress on the floor in the bedroom we would share, then moved to starting off in the same bed but with the mattress on the floor that I could move to if I wanted to.

You also have to accept that the transition will take a long time, but go slow & steady. If you have dealt with insomnia you'll also know that you don't need 8 hours of sleep every night, so don't stress if the sleep takes a long time to come when you start sharing again.

If you want it to be sorted you will manage it BUT the issue that started the problem does need to be addressed, otherwise resentment kicks in because nothing has changed.

You are lucky with your 2 beds - maybe keep them apart initially then gradually join them together?

Good luck! Be gentle with your expectations & eventually you'll be back in one room.

Original poster

SleepSolution · 06/07/2014 21:48

He has seen a sleep psychiatrist, who has given him a program to follow. Basically, it seems that he should spend only a certain amount of time in bed. That's all he's told me the dr has said. But this week has been crazy. He was away in a business trip so was stressed before he went. Took two tablets Tuesday night. (They make him sleep, but the following day he is not rested, if that makes sense. He also washes them down with whisky). Wednesday night he was away, they went out for a 7 course meal and he couldn't sleep, so he took 6 tablets....and I'm sure he wasn't drinking water all evening. Thursday he got home around half past midnight so took 2 to make sure he got some sleep. Friday night, he went to bed quite early, then woke up around midnight, 2 more tablets. Saturday night he couldn't sleep, came in just as I was falling asleep, made it pretty clear that as he couldn't sleep we should have sex. Then fell asleep after, but got startled awake when I went to the bathroom and the shadow of the light when I opened the door disturbed him (i.e. my fault again).

I'm not to ask him anything about the logistics of moving in the evening as it puts him out of his calming evening routine. I'm not to make noise once he has gone to bed. At the moment I have to make sure I'm ready for bed (I.e. Teeth cleaned etc do I don't need to use the bathroom once he has decided to go to bed) before he might want to go to sleep. I'm worried it's going to be worse when we are in the room, at least I can stay up til I want - what if he insists I go to bed when he does? At the moment I sleep with the door open so I can hear the DC (doors closed) if they need me or if they get up. dC2 will get a bed rather than a cot when we move. They are usually unsettled the first few nights we are somewhere new. He will be angry if they disturb him, but I don't want to be unable to hear them.

Maybe I am over thinking. Maybe it will all be fine.....

OP posts:

Original poster

SleepSolution · 06/07/2014 21:52

That was a bit of a rant. Sorry.

The doctor...GP just prescribes him more tablets. Psychiatrist, I've no idea what he does.

I did end up sleeping on the floor for about a month. Then I insisted I got a night in the bed, he slept on the floor and then bought a proper mattress to use in a other room.

He seems to have such a routine to sleep, that nothing is allowed to disturb it. Argh. I don't know how to articulate. Sorry. and I swear he gets more sleep than me

OP posts:

Vivacia · 06/07/2014 21:53

Oh dear OP, you do realise that this is a scary situation to be relating?

Original poster

SleepSolution · 06/07/2014 21:56

Scary?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 06/07/2014 22:01

Apologies for unintended vagueness. I mean that there are so many worrying elements about what you just wrote I didn't know where to start. The expectation of sex, the controlling, selfish behaviour, putting his needs before those of his children, your walking on egg shells...

Original poster

SleepSolution · 06/07/2014 22:46

I did suggest putting a spare bed in Dc2's room, thinking if he really didn't sleep and the DC were unsettled at least I would have somewhere sensible to sleep. But that's not really a solution is it and I don't want them to get used to me being in a rooms with them and he says a spare bed isn't necessary. I thought about putting both in one room, but they have such different sleep routines I can't see how this is fair on them. I feel like I'm certain I'm going to be stuck in the middle and I hate not having a plan.

One thing I hate about having separate rooms is that whenever he does come into the bedroom is its obvious what he is there for. He only ever comes into my room when he wants sex and of course if I were to refuse without good reason then he just gets pissed off and then doesn't sleep which means he is grumpy and that it's my fault he's not had a good nights sleep again. Urge. I just don't know how to deal with this. He won't let me speak to the doctor, I only know what he is telling me and I'm sure he's telling us different things.

He has promised that he will never take so many tablets again at once but says it was a perfectly rational decision, even if not a sensible one . But he no longer seems certain that moving will cure his sleep problems no, really, you don't say and I was thinking that as long as he believed it would work, then it might actually work. Because I don't know what eel to do.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 06/07/2014 22:48

The.problem.isn't.insomnia.

The.problem.is.that.this,man.is.an.abusive.selfish.prick.

Dirtybadger · 06/07/2014 22:55

I work in Pharmacy. Assuming he takes zopiclone (most popular sleeping tablet, although perhaps he takes zolpidem) he should not be taking more than prescribed. Certainly not with alcohol. He should also not be using them every night. Doctors often prescribe them (stupidly) like that, but at best it should be short term only (every night). They won't be effective if he takes them every night. 3-4 tablets a week is more sensible.

He needs to see his sleep therapist again because whatever he has tried isn't working. Alcohol ruins the quality of you sleep, though, and stops some people drifting off. So reducing the alcohol would be a start!

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 06/07/2014 22:57

What SGB said.

Don't have sex you don't want. How sad. What kind of man wants sex with a woman who doesn't want it? Sofabed for him? and a bolt on the bedroom door for you

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 06/07/2014 22:58

Zopiclone is crap for a lot of people. Tends to keep them awake at night but leave them groggy the next day.

ICanHearYou · 06/07/2014 23:05

I found mitazipine much better for insomnia.

Get him a sofa bed and buy a lock for yiur bedroom door.

Vivacia · 07/07/2014 05:37

Why are people talking about the merits of different sleeping pills?! This mans behaviour is abusive and verging on rape in my opinion.

Original poster

SleepSolution · 07/07/2014 06:41

His tablets are 1 mg Lorazepam. He says it's ok to take them with alcohol because the info leaflet says "not recommended to take with alcohol" not "do not take"...although this is just what he has told me, maybe I should read it.

Locking the bedroom door won't work unless I lock him in because the DC look for me if they wake in the night. He believes he is being perfectly reasonable about his sleep and that I should be doing everything to help him.

It probably sounds ridiculous, but I'm so uncertain if I'm being unreasonable or not in asking for some 'ground rules' of moving back in together. Like I don't have to go to bed the same time as he does (he often goes at 9), that obviously I will do my best not to make any noise when I go in the bedroom (use the other bathroom, just use light of phone etc) and that for some reason if this does disturb him, then he won't blame me for not sleeping. Hopefully my turning over in bed will no longer be an issue if we have separate beds and duvets. That I can get up and go to the toilet if I need to. That he won't get annoyed if the DC come in. that I get 'my' side of the 'bed' back. Shouldn't be an issue as it will be closer to the door. That I can read/use my iPad in bed if I want to. That if I am asleep and he can't sleep that he tries not to wake me up (even if he considers it my fault he's awake.) That the door will stay open so I can hear the DC (I could suggest a blackout curtain over the door if he thinks the light would keep him awake)

I'm not sure that he is controlling (he says I am) and I do understand where he is coming from, he is the one who has to be with it as he has a job and is bringing in the money, so if something has to give, it should be me as I am at home all day. He doesn't believe the DC should always one first, whereas I would always put them first, he says I spoil them.

OP posts:

Crocodileclip · 07/07/2014 06:59

As someone who has experienced insomnia can I say that your DP is letting his insomnia take over his life and that is not the way to cure it. He should read 'Effortless Sleep'. This book basically cured me of insomnia almost immediately. There are a series of rules that you need to follow but they are based on common sense arguments about not letting insomnia take over your life.
Even if he doesn't read that book and cure his insomnia though he needs to take responsibility for it. He should be the one being inconvenienced by it. A couple of years back i went through a period of sleeping on the bathroom floor as it was the only quiet place ' in my mind at the time' in the house. I certainly wouldn't have asked my DH to move. The same with tablets if he knows he can't trust himself to keep to the recommended dosage then he needs to find some way of rationing them for his own safety.

Vivacia · 07/07/2014 07:11

For heaven's sake. He is controlling and abusive. I wouldn't allow the man in my house, let alone my bed.

Vivacia · 07/07/2014 07:19

That reads a bit wrong. My exasperation is because I'm worried for you. And the more we engage in a discussion around insomnia, the more we skirt around the fact that this relationship is damaging for the woman involved.

Original poster

SleepSolution · 07/07/2014 07:58

I don't know if I'm being melodramatic, but i dont think I can cope with much more. MIL is here, won't be back soon!

OP posts:

Dirtymistress · 07/07/2014 08:05

He sounds like a horrible person. Does he have any redeeming features?
If not, don't move house with him.
And I bloody hate that 'he has to go to work so needs his sleep' bullshit. Looking after small children is a million times harder than going to work.

Original poster

SleepSolution · 07/07/2014 20:55

It maybe harder, but he has to drive there and I don't - if I desperately need it I could potentially let the DC watch tv and rest on the sofa. I know how awful it is to not sleep and be sleep deprived is I can't bring myself to blame him for being jealous of his sleep.
If I don't move house, I will be homeless

Why do you say it is damaging, vivacia?
Will look out that book croc

OP posts:

Vivacia · 07/07/2014 22:06

I believe it is damaging for a person to (from your descriptions):-

be worried about where and how they will sleep in their new house.
to sleep on the floor, and only get a bed when that arrangement isn't deemed good enough for another.
to feel they have to have sex in order to avoid unwanted behaviour from the other.
to live with someone misusing medication and alcohol.
to have their sleep disturbed...

-...because someone else disregards their needs as second to their own.

to have normal, rational topics of conversation "banned" by another adult.
to have normal behaviours such as choosing when to brush your teeth or go bed dictated by another adult.
to be unavailable to comfort your own children because another adult puts his preferences above their needs.

I got about half way through your posts before quitting due to typing on a phone and feeling that this will yet again fall on deaf ears.

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