Sleeping separately - moving back in.

[SleepSolution]

We've been sleeping separately for best part of a year (long story, basically he has insomnia, doesn't want to be disturbed by me or DC). We are moving house next week, downsizing and we there will be nowhere sensible to sleep separately. We shall be back in the same room, with two single beds rather than a double bed. I'm beginning to get very worried at the thought. Has anyone had separate rooms then successfully moved back together and got any tips?

I don't want to go back to sleeping on the floor, but just cannot see how this is going to work and I have no faith that this move is going to cure his insomnia in any practical way.

OP I'm sorry but this is the worst husband I have ever read of on Mumsnet. It's just too much - esp. as you have young DC. He sounds frightening, and like he's lost his mind.

OP, I am just trying to ascertain how you got into this position.

• When you both spoke of moving house, did you not factor in the necessity of having a spare room because of his sleeplessness

• could you get a sofa bed so that there is a decent, comfy bed available downstairs?

The only point I think you are being unreasonable on is using an iPad in bed late at night, I don't think this is fair especially if you have someone who finds it very difficult to go to sleep.

Separate bedrooms sounds like a good idea to me, to be honest separate houses sounds like a good idea to me, you obviously have a very close relationship with your kids that he shouldn't be trying to 'stand in the way' of.

What do you want the solution to this situation to be? In 3 months time/6 months time/a years time where do you see things and how do you see them progressing?

It's beginning to feel more like a mess than a position....

When we started looking, I did factor in separate rooms. Then we saw this place and DH said he loved it and it was his dream home. I was quite reluctant but he was adamant that once we move his sleep problems will be sorted because they arise mainly from where we are now. We live right in the centre of town, in a very noisy flat. drugs/drunks fights outside... The place we shall move to is in a much nicer area, but to get it we are having to downsize. It will be much better for DC school wise. There would be a possibility to put in another sleeping room in the future, but we don't have the money right now. I suggested a way to put a spare bed in the living room which has been rejected. Any time I have mentioned it I have been berated for not having any faith that he will sleep when he gets there and if I don't believe that he will then he won't.... It does rather seem like he has lost his mind and I don't know how to help him.

Thanks vivacia. It's good to hear that I'm not being wrong in wanting to be available for the children, he just says I'm spoiling them. But I think as they're so young I need to be able to hear them. I didn't know if it was normal to do that or if I was being overly anxious and precious. I shall try to stop worrying about the sleeping and see how things go. It's really ok for me to insist I can go to bed when I want, and to insist that he does his best not to wake me if he gets up super early? It's feels rather childish, but the sleeping pills/alcohol has been reported to MIL, as with the lack of discussion about the new place. She and FIL have been helping out and I'm hoping she will say something to him or get his brother to.

Part of me wants to call and speak to his doctor, but he would never forgive me for doing that (nor would I in the reverse situation). He took two more tablets last night and has just got up.

Will not use the IPad in bed then. I want the solution to be that he stops being such an arse about bed/sleeping. That he won't get pissed off if the DC cry in the night and come to find a cuddle. That I can get up and go to the toilet in the night without paying for it the next day. To be able to go to bed at 11 if I want and not be woken up at 3 or whenever just because he thinks I should know what it is like to be woken up... But I don't know how realistic that is. I don't know where I see things in three months time. I find it hard enough to see what things are going to be like in a couple of days time, three months seems like an impossible future.

Okay well you aren't wrong, you have every right to use the loo in your own home at night, if he is bothered by chinks of light, or by the noise of the children (how you would stop them exactly is beyond me) then boots do some fantastic gel ear plugs that go over the ear rather than in and my mum swears by.

They also do a facemask which would prevent the light being an issue.

This is absolutely his problem, he is probably addicted to the Lorazepam, which is a stronger version of diazepam so highly addictive and that is going to be affecting his behaviour as much as anything.

I think you need to separate the things you can change, you can change using an iPad in bed, he can change his drinking/drug problem

and the things you can't change, you can't change the children waking in the night, you can't change needing the toilet in the night. He needs to understand that before you move to a new place and certainly if he is expecting to share a room with you again. If he is unable to accept those (very reasonable) terms then he will need to accept that a bed in the living room needs to be an option, you get some really good sofa beds now.

Mind you if he continues to ignore the fact that taking large amounts of highly addictive drugs and drinking alcohol is a problem, perhaps it would be better if he found his own place to live?

Is it just me that thinks this is a crazy thread?!

Why are we discussing issues around the iPads and not the sex?

Viv, I read the op and thought the same as you, nothing I have read since makes me think this is a loving relationship. He chose the house because he loved it even though you were reluctant.

Op this isn't healthy, everything you've written screams abuse. I know that's difficult to hear as he's conditioned you to believe it's normal but it's not. I have hidious insomnia, but that's my problem not dh's and not the kids. I might ask dh to deal with the kids when they wake up if I've not l

Because Viv the OP has some choice over how she approaches things and everyone screaming LTB is NOT going to help her.

It is not your decision to make, stop acting like it is.

Long drifted off, but I never blame anyone for waking me up if it's due to normal behaviours (toile ring, turning over, etc) or due to emergencies (children not well, kids wetting the bed etc) if he was to deliberately wake me up then he'd get both barrels!

Please re read what you've written and be objective, downs this really sound normal to you?

I can see that any support I have offered to the OP is now being twisted round by Viv and others as if I am 'condoning abuse' I am doing nothing of the sort. I will hide this thread now, carry on with your endless screams of 'LTB' mumsnet.

Ican, but viv isn't screaming ltb, no one ape art from viv and Af (and maybe a couple of others) have mentioned this relationship sounds abusive.

sholer shouting HE'S ABUSIVE CANT YOU SEE THAT over and over again is far less effective than helping the OP see how unreasonable many of his demands are and allowing her to form her own conclusions!

Thanks Ican. Is it ok also to insist the door stays open? I've no idea how soundproof the doors are and if DC2 decides to start unpacking boxes or climbing on them....

sholer the other option he said was moving over an hour away from where we are now, and I wanted to stay here to be closer to the 'friends' I've made from playgroups. I also didn't want to have to start over again in a new place. it's the only place we found which we can afford, will be good for DC's school, nearby and which isn't in the middle of nowhere (e.g. 1 bus in the morning, one at lunch time, one in the evening and I would have no car)

Viv what do you want me to say? i don't want to be the reason he doesn't sleep because then he is annoyed with me.

I have not once said LTB. I have not thought for a second that it's my decision to make.

I am frustrated with people discussing the merits of sleeping pills and sending the message that the issues of coercion and control aren't of upmost priority here.

OP I would like you to realise that this is not a healthy, loving, respectful relationship. It is not normal and you shouldn't think for a second that you have to put up with his behaviour.

Of course it is okay! It is okay to discuss anything with him that you need to, it should not all be about his ability to sleep, the children have to factor in (above that really) and he has to acknowledge that.

I think you need to really sit down and talk to him about his drug abuse. His body will trick him if it thinks it will get more of it.

I think it is profoundly unhealthy for any family to have to revolve around one person's selfishness. This is not a case of a very sick/disabled family member needing to take priority, because this man is not complying with medical advice. He's drinking when he shouldn't and messing about with his prescribed medicine and holding eveyrone else to ransom. He's just inconveniencing and distressing everyone else in the household because he's so fucking important.

I think you would be a lot better off if you got rid of him, or at least put some rules in place that mean the rest of you get your needs met as well. Like, he takes his medicines as prescribed. He doesn't drink. He doesn't demand sex and strop when you don't feel like it. And he doesn't dictate how you or the children behave when any of you want to do perfectly reasonable things like go to the toilet in the night.

SGB is right, those are all very normal things to set as ground rules.

Thank you. I've looked at his medicine packet and it just says 1-2 tablets as required. Which he will most definitely argue he did require them... He said yesterday he would call the doctor again if he didn't sleep last night. He took tablets again. It is so frustrating, because I have no idea what he is telling the doctor, but I'm not sure that it's anything resembling the truth. The whole thing blew up after a business trip last year and this "relapse" started last week...after another trip. But when I suggested it, he dismisses it.

I shall try and enforce those ground rules, not sure how to go about it. Just say when it happens that it is not an unreasonable thing to do or say something before we move? He's in such a state at the moment, its not really possible to talk to him. I think he will just do his "you don't care about me, if I don't sleep etc. I know it sounds defeatist, but I just don't have the energy to deal with this at the moment. I'm also tired, trying to pack up the house with two young children to look after at the same time, sort everything and I constantly feel sick and tired

Yes we managed it. I'm the one with the sleep issue (sleep disorder- I move a lot). I wish it was as easy as curing it by reading a book to me that's a bit like "Oh I snapped out of depression by reading a book" - it really, really isn't that easy for everyone. It is a health concern and you cannot just tell someone to cure themselves.

Having said that your other half seems really creepy, sorry to say, re the sex thing I would be well out of there.

In terms of practical tips for people who are sharing after sleeping apart my number one would be two single duvets not one shared. Also, sleep masks for both. Sounds crazy but it helps 'zone out' the other person.

Oh, I don't think I could wear a mask squiz, shudders. It would be weird! A morning wake up call from DH this morning at 5 zzzzzzz (but it's mid-morning, I've been up since 230) but interrupted by DC1. DH suggested he take the iPad, but DC climbed into bed for a hug...and still DH was trying his luck that's not normal is it? DH suggested DC 1 have the iPad, (then rolled over, put a condom on and turned back to me) but this plan backfired because Dc1 came back and told DH he had to get out of bed to come and help with a game. And stood there until he did. Am I not normal for not wanting to have sex whilst the DC are up and running around?

Oh my. Why are not running for the hills? So so many concerning things yet you seem adament to fix him, it's not the sleep problems its much bigger. I'm sorry your having to deal with this but a lot of what you write is v v concerning for you and your children.

SleepSolution

If someone else was writing this what would your own thoughts be?.

I think you have become conditioned over time to react and further modify your own behaviour and regard this now as "normal" for you. From a perspective of an outsider looking in it is clearly not normal at all, you all are treading water around this man and everything is revolving around him and his needs/wants. Acting as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship simply does not work.

He thought this particular house you will move into was his dream home even though you were reluctant. He is misusing his tablets as well by drinking alcohol with them and FWIW I think he has told his GP and sleep pysch a lot of old bunkum re his insomnia. He is not really wanting to help his own self at all and I guess you have also not seen these people either. He is using all that to control you. He has you where he wanted you all along really; too defeated yourself to stand up for your own rights here. This is all about power and control.

Sleep - not normal. Not normal at all. And if you are not a consenting participant, ie you 'don't want to have sex whilst the DC are up and running around' (perfectly normal btw) then it is not sex. It is rape.

You are more than just a body for him to have sex on.

In new place. V limited internet. Relegated to floor of DC2's room- not slept in "our" room yet. Dc2 in new bed - should stay here in case disturbs/falls out- so can land on my mattress. Not unreasonable to refuse sex whilst dc2 less than 1 metre away is it? Can't understand why anyone would want to with a 2 year old in the room, let alone so close.... Am I just being weird for thinking it inappropriate?

OP, I've not commented before as I had nothing new to add. But I have to comment on the sex aspect. Behaving as you describe isn't just inappropriate, it's verging on child abuse. Putting on a condom whilst DC1 is in your bed / room AWAKE. Demanding sex on the floor of the DC's room.

The whole situation is disturbing and he's conditioned you to accept much of it and question your own judgement when acting perfectly rationally.

Would you think of contacting someone in RL - Women's Aid or similar - just to sense check? I'm sure that would help you start making some decisions and implementing them. This is no way to live and a terrible example for your DC. So sorry.