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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alchol breaking point. How do I stop?

81 replies

GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 05/07/2014 23:33

I drink too much, every night.

I'm managing during the week to go to work but would like to not drink every night but always do due to stress.

How do you a make a break through when your DH drinks as much but manages it better?

OP posts:
mosaicone · 07/07/2014 09:09

I'm in bed suffering from Saturday. I really over did it and hurt myself which is why I'm off work, not a two day hangover.
I don't know how to stop. Though I drank loads on Saturday, I drank no more than the people with me, who all got drunk, but I am always the worst. It was a big outdoor event so drank more than a normal weekend but I'm sick of it. I've been in this position so many times before, I have to stop.
Watching with interest. I won't drink tonight, I know that, but Friday will be here again soon.....

Anniegetyourgun · 07/07/2014 10:04

I can think of at least two reasons why your OH continues to buy wine even though he says you are nasty when you have drunk it.

a) He drinks a lot himself, you say. Very likely he wants company so he doesn't have to admit to himself he is drinking too much too - especially as you are affected more by it, so he can say "I'm not as bad as that so I must be ok".

b) Abuse. FIL used to pour a big glass of whisky for MIL when she got home from work, then when she was most of the way down it, would wind her up by snipping and sniping until she lashed back and became tearful. Your OH may like you slightly tipsy so you can't argue coherently; slightly aggressive/irritable precisely so that he can have a go at you tomorrow about your behaviour.

The third possibility is that he regards alcohol as so necessary for the continuation of life that he can't imagine not buying it. I think this is also where you are at. Even whilst talking about having to stop, you're drinking to help you think about it... and it really, really is not helping, but the most difficult part of the whole business is believing that it isn't helping. It's an extremely deeply embedded habit of thought that needs rooting out, and that won't be easy. But it all starts with having just one evening without booze, and observing that you haven't died.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/07/2014 10:07

Oh, another thought: the recommended limit for men was 21 units per week and for women 14, last time I looked it up. Not sure if that's a general body mass thing or because men have more efficient livers or what, but it indicates that on average men can handle 50% more alcohol without ill effects. So if you are both drinking the same amount, you are effectively drinking 50% more than him. No wonder it affects you more.

Is he trying to kill you? Are you well insured? Hmm

Original poster
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 07/07/2014 15:55

Grin I know it's nothing to laugh about but your last comment made me laugh out loud. Maybe I am worth more to him dead than alive?

It's my choice to drink it though isn't it, he isn't pinning me down and forcing it down my neck but I do sometimes wonder if he enjoys me being in the bad books so to speak. We have had some rough patches, always caused by him.

Oh god, so much to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 07/07/2014 15:56

Oh and sorry you are suffering mosaic, we never learn do we.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 07/07/2014 16:04

Well, as long as you still have a sense of humour there's hope for you!

tribpot · 07/07/2014 17:19

No, he doesn't force it down you but he buys it, when presumably he could choose not to. It'd be nice to think we could magically develop the self-will to sit in front of alcohol and not drink it but that's not how it works.

hesterton · 07/07/2014 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wittsend13 · 07/07/2014 22:07

I'm a week off the booze. I'm not going to lie I'm craving it like mad. I didn't think I had a problem, but I do now. I've started drinking loads of water and I've actually lost a little weight too. I hope we can motivate eachother.

readrunraverelax · 08/07/2014 12:19

hesterton glad you liked the Rob Kelly book. I found it took a while to "sink in" as it were after I had finished it. I intend to re-read it. Good luck.

Frogisatwat · 08/07/2014 12:43

I have had two alcohol free days kick started by feeling really unwell ( tonsillitis)

Ludoole · 08/07/2014 14:10

My drinking has gone from 4 to 6 cans every night.
I also drink alone...which I know is not good.
I just feel like i need it after the stress of every damn day!!!!

Original poster
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 09/07/2014 00:41

I tried to speak to him tonight and offered counseling, in the13 yrs together have never done wrong apart fom drunk stuff

I don't know who is in the right.

I've had career boosting massive day today and monitored my drinks and he tried to acall me on it again tonight

Ive drunk less tonight

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 09/07/2014 07:01

Well done on drinking less last night, fingers. Remember: "i can eat a whole elephant if i just take it one bite at a time." Well done on taking your first bite - and the career boost.

Original poster
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 09/07/2014 08:23

It's worrying.

After Annie's post I decided to do a little test and shopped for wine myself. I bought shit tasting 9% and then a bottle of our normal.

Poured a glass each, both declared it was disgusting so I poured mine away, he drank his.

Night progressed with us not talking until he had drank shit wine and then he started on me, I admitted to being a nightmare, not remembering most ends of evenings, wanting to change, telling him how much my career means to me right now and tried to inform him that the amount of alchol we share hits me harder etc

He wasn't having any of it, apparently it's all my fault for being a mean drunk and the fact that he still brings it in to the house, ignores me until he thinks I've drunk enough to start on me knowing I won't remember what was said is all in my head.

I'm having a day at home today to think things over, good point being I'm not hung over today and plan on doing the same this evening oh, and I have Rob Kelly's book to read today as well.

OP posts:
londongirl15 · 09/07/2014 10:23

So was that an alcohol free night for you? Did he have a glass or the bottle? It's difficult to know if you are in the wrong without the fog of alcohol. Do you think it would annoy him if you stopped drinking that he would no longer be able to take the moral high ground?

littlewhitebag · 09/07/2014 10:37

I am creeping back shamefacedly. After managing alcohol free on Sunday the last two nights i have had wine. I managed to stop at half a bottle which i am pleased about that but really none would have been better.

DH returns to day from being away for a week. I suspect he will want to settle down with dinner, wine and chat tonight. I will see how things go.

I think that i i know i should cut down/stop but do i really want to? Really, down deep i am not sure i am there yet.

I do, however very much understand the cycle of change and i think i am still at the contemplation/preparation stage.

I will keep posting here though. I find it helpful to be accountable to someone.

grumpasaur · 09/07/2014 13:17

Hi all, I really hope this doesn't come across as patronising, as I don't have a drinking problem, but have been really badly affected by people in my life who have / do.

So, really it's just a message of encouragement. If the motivation to do it for yourself isn't strong enough (at first), try focusing on finding strength to do it for someone you love. I genuinely believe that some people are all or nothing when it comes to drink / drugs / gambling / porn / etc, and I also recognise that I am lucky not to fall into that category. Sadly the same can't be said for many members of my family or ex-friends / partners... And the only ones who I feel have recovered are the ones who, like you, were brave enough to recognise they had a problem and needed help.

AA is amazing. So is al-anon for those affected by someone else's drinking.

Original poster
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 09/07/2014 14:18

Thanks Grump not patronising at all. I want to be a good mum and wife and I don't feel I'm reaching that by drinking every night.

I'm thinking hard about the reason/person that makes me feel I need to blot the day out.

OP posts:
OnesEnough · 09/07/2014 14:57

Get, years ago my friend used to drink a lot. Unfortunately she always made herself look utterly ridiculous. (Horrible to say but true). Anyway the point is her partner ALWAYS bought her big bottles of Scotch/wine etc., which she would start on well and truely before she went out.

At the time, I just couldn't understand it, but then the penny dropped and it was because it took the spotlight off his inadequacies/ drinking and he enjoyed ridiculing her in public and making her look ridiculous.

Since then they've split. She got herself together and is fine now (i dont get anymore phone calls at 2am), and he went on to have a stroke at the age of 52.

Anyway just sharing and best of luck to you all.

mumster79 · 09/07/2014 14:58

This is a great thread, as it doesn't matter if it's alcohol, drugs, food etc it is all an addiction.

My parents have always drunk a bottle a night each and are in their eighties. However, I don't want to be that person. DH prefers it when I drink socially with him, however I prefer myself when I don't.

Alcohol masks so many things. In my case it's self-esteem. Have a drink and feel more confident, have two or three and I'm ready to take on the world, have four or five and I eat crap food which I then try and throw up / take laxatives etc. Thus for me, it's very simple, don't drink.

Blimey MN, can't believe I've just told the truth here rather than admitting it in RL.

mosaicone · 09/07/2014 15:16

Just checking in.
Haven't drunk since Sat and finally feel repaired. Want to be strong this eve but having awful probs with dd16, and once she's home and safe I'll no doubt end up medicating the only way I know.
I'm writing that as being accountable. I'm f**king weak is the truth.

Sandthorn · 09/07/2014 18:27

Just browsed into this thread, sorry to gate crash, but I identify with what a lot of you are saying. The way you drink is the way I overeat.

Mosaic, I had to reply to you. "I'm f**king weak..."? Can you even imagine saying that to another person? I really think you need to review how you talk to yourself! There's a difference between giving yourself a stern talking to, and treating yourself like a piece of shit! Next time you catch yourself thinking like that, make a conscious effort to rethink or rephrase it: how would your best friend say it?

grumpasaur · 09/07/2014 23:50

You are welcome.

I suspect you are a better mum and wife than you think, and totally agree that it would be worthwhile to spend some time exploring why you drink / what triggers you / etc.

I think it's really difficult when ''middle class drinking' is so common and so accepted, that it's hard to recognise that for you, it is problematic...

But as I say- find strength wherever it comes, and build up from there!! All the best in your journey.

middlethird · 10/07/2014 13:50

I am tired all the time, completely unorganised at home... my home is neglected, my children, my health. I cannot see straight with alchol in my life to this extent.

I can have nights off. I know I should have more. I drink wine. 2 bottles a night, no bother. I don't get hangovers. I can work and outwardly function - but I am exhausted. Mentally and physically.

I don't take care of myself, I am overweight (fat)... I want to be a normal size and look after myself and my family. Be proud.

My DH drinks every night. Not to the same extent. He holds everything together...

Things have to change. I need to decide to change it. It's so hard when you think you love the thing that hurts everything!