I need help...I am at my wits end!

[Chocol8]

Where do I start? Four and a half years ago I chucked my h out because I couldn't stand his behaviour anymore. He was abusive, both mentally and physically and a heavy binge drinker. My son was one and a half at the time.
Since then, excluding a few months here and there over the last few years, he has been abusive by text and in person. I am in the process of divorcing him and he has now moved in with his girlfriend, having sold his house.
He has 2 other children, aged 15 and 10 from 2 different relationships but never sees them and hasn't contacted them for over 2 years.
His behaviour is driving me round the twist, his constant aggression and the way he twists things: ie, I remortgaged the house (which was in my name due to him having a ccj) and gave him £5,000 with the proviso that he use the money as a deposit for a house. I lent him money and helped him out, however now it is me who has "swindled him out of £5k". He lives on another planet.
My problem is that he sees his son 2 hours on a Wed and more recently for 5 hours on a Sat. If he cannot make it due to it snowing (he lives in a village) or he has other arrangements, he cancels and will not see him at any other time even if he is free. My son was diagnosed as ADHD and Asperger's last year and is on medication. He can be very hard work and I do not have a large support group. My h refuses to believe there is a problem of any sort and to my mind "uses" my son as a weapon against me. Last Sat he was busy "seeing friends" and this Sat we went to the agreed meeting place and he was late. I texted him to say we were "outside" the place rather than in, and he texted me to say he shouldn't have to wait around to see where to meet us, therefore, I had my son again for the afternoon. I explained to my son (who was worried about his daddy) that daddy was being a bit silly and had forgotten where to meet us, but not to worry as we were going to have a brilliant afternoon together. I am at my wits end with this behaviour and am so stressed that all weekend I have been having breathing problems.
The question is: is there anything I can do to stop this behaviour - there must be other women out there who recognise this scenario. I would really quite like to use his head as a punch bag...that would diminish the stress. What can I do? By the way, 8 months ago he cashed in my life policy and I have only just got the policy reinstated and the money paid back by him. PLEASE does anyone have any suggestions (other than the punch bag?).

Chocol8, sorry but I am going to be no help whatsoever, but just wanted to say I LOVE your nickname and I hope you get lots of useful advice. Sorry you are having such a hard time of it, your h sounds like a right pr*t.

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

He is abusive and unreliable, and I guess you need to think through how much contact you want him to have with your son. His previsous relationships do not sound promising and the stats for fathers continuing contact where the child was under 5 are depressing. At present it almost sounds as if your son is a weapon as you are reliant on h for some time-out. Single parenting must be bloody hard work, and you need and deserve some time for yourself. But by relying on h for this, you are giving him a very powerful weapon to hurt you. You're also laoding the issue of your son's relationship with his dad with your needs too.

I know it is not easy but in your shoes I would first concentrate on building a support network locally - get involved with Gingerbread or NCT or whatever else is available. You need to look after yourself first before you can really deal with h.

Sons need fathers, but not abusive unreliable ones. If the worst that happens is that he breaks off all contact, that need not be the end of the world. But if you have no other respite from the hard work of parenting then it will be hard to see the potential positive in all of this.

Thank you for your replies. If he did break off all contact, I would be happy. I have considered moving away from the area so that he can have less (and then in the future, no) contact, but the stress involved would do me in at the moment. I work full time and simply do not have the time. I am involved with a very good local autistic group, however althought I have learned alot about autism, I cannot get the support on a personal level. A male colleague suggested I use Mumsnet to seek advice as his wife uses it alot, and I already feel that I have some support, so thank you. I perhaps can breathe properly when I go to bed tonight.

Chocol8, I'm sorry I have no advice for you, but big hugs to you

I have to confess that I literally know nothing about ADHD & Aspergers, but is there any respite facility near you? I feel that if you had some time to recharge your batteries it would do you the world of good.

Also, not prying into your financial situation, but is there a way you could afford to cut your hours at work (remember you would be entitled to more tax credits or if you don't receive them at the moment then you may be entitled to them).

With regards to your h, does your ds get on well with him, or is it a case of he sees him because he has to? If it's the latter, then you could think of going the injunction route with his past treatment of you as evidence. If however your DS genuinely wants to see him and your h messes him about, as heartbreaking as it is to watch, it won't take long for your ds to see him for the person he really is.

Take care and hope that you can breathe a bit better hugs

Hi chocol8. Yes there are plenty of mumsnetters who are familiar with this sort of scenario, so you've come to the right place for a rant and support!

Presumably access arrangements are being formalised as part of the divorce? Or haven't you reached that stage yet? Also financial matters will be dealt with as part of that process - hopefully he no longer has any access to your money so can't take anything more from you now?

I agree with 150percent - you need to concentrate on you and your son first right now. If you consider it to be in your son's best interests to cease contact with his father for now - maybe just until things are formalised with the divorce - perhaps that is the right thing to do. It might shock him into realising that you won't tolerate his behaviour any more and if he does want a relationship with his son, he will have to buck his ideas up. Of course I believe that it's important for children to continue to have a relationship with the parent they no longer live with, but not if that causes more harm than good, which in this case it seems to.

Do keep posting X

Hi choc. I haven't time to read all this now, but I've read your first post and I have advice for you since the father of my dds was a complete t**r like your ex. I will post later this afternoon when I get back.

I really feel like not texting him and saying where I will be on Sat - like he doesn't know, and keep my son with me, but that would shoot me and my son in the foot and give him another excuse for not taking his responsiblities. He does pay me the basic amount each month, and I can see that he is aware that he is my support mechanism. After my Mum died 2 years ago, my support network has fallen flat. My sister and dad are very good, but other than this I have to pay for minding. My son is very excitable and only certain people can look after him. He is very friendly - even to strangers which is a worry. I feel my w**r of a h is abusing my son by messing him about with access. I have no financial settlement in place for the divorce, as long as I continue to get what he gives me monthly, then that's all I want from him.
I must say a huge Thanks to you for all for your support - it is like a breath of fresh air. I have taken the time to read some other messages, and think this is an excellent website and you guys are just fantastic. Thanks for your comments so far.

Your comment "that would shoot me and my son in the foot and give him another excuse for not taking his responsiblities" seems to sum it all up.

YOU are not responsible for making h face up to his responsibilities. If he is not grown-up enough to do that then he he does not deserve the privilege of being a dad.

The fact that you need him for respite/a few hours to yourself is a concern though. I've no SN experience at all - it might be worth positng on the SN thread to see specifically what others do for babysitting/respite/me-time (not sure what the "correct" term is, but when you really need some child-free time - and we ALL do!).

As an aside, my perfectly "normal" marriage improved greatly when I made sure that I wasn't relying solely on dh for my child-free time, but I did explore "child-swaps", paid sitting etc. The fact that our children are no longer such an issue between us makes a lot of difference.

Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better. Hopefully you'll find the support that you need.

Chocol8 I am so sorry you are having to put up with this pig of a man and I am glad you are getting some good advice off people who have experience of this.

Just wanted to say if you wanted to chat about your sons ADHD and Aspergers there is alot of mums who post on the special needs section of mumsnet whose children have the same/similar problems. Why not come and introduce yourself. My daughter (4) has special needs so come and have a chat

I'm back now and have read all the posts. As usual, lots of sympathetic mumsnetters have chipped in. I hope you find you can stick with us, we are not here only for a crisis (but IMO we are rather good in them ).

I had a very manipulative and bullying ex who used my daughters as pawns to try and assert control over all of us. He often used to change arrangements on a whim. We never formalised the contact arrangements in court and I feel that was a mistake now. As it turned out I discovered after several years that he was exposing my dds to a porn business he had set up (I had no idea) and so my dh and I stopped any contact except in public with my dh to chaperone them. He then took us to court and we had to spend £10,000 defending our girls. We were successful and he now has no contact.

Obviously hindsight is a great thing and I now wish I had moved away because I don't think he would have cared enough to look for us. But of course these activities of his built up over several years without my knowledge and at the time I didn't think it fair to deprive the children of their father, whatever I thought of him. He never paid any child support, although when we first split he promised it. I wish now I had formalised the money side of things too because I never got a penny out of him. In the name of trying to avoid any unpleasantness, and because I was frightened of him, I hardly ever made a fuss about anything. When I look back now there would have been a great deal of money, and I particularly regret not claiming it in light of what he has cost us since.

With a formal court-endorsed agreement about when he is supposed to have contact, he will have to stick to the conditions or lose the right.

I would also make sure that he has to come to your house to collect your ds, that way you will not be making needless journeys and being stood up.

I have to say that your ex does not have a good track record. Two other children by two other women whom he no longer bothers to see? And he appears not to have learned anything from that. I think it a very serious business to deprive a parent of contact with a child but you might have grounds to consider this a fair course of action when you weight up the likelihood of your ex hurting and disappointing your son. It seems likely that he will build up a relationship then drift away as he has in the past, leaving your son hurt and disappointed.

All the same there is something to be said for allowing your son to know him so that your son will realise when he is older that you tried your best to give him the options. It would be hard for you both if he believed that you had kept a loving father away from him. It is so hard.

For you, as others have said, you need a break from your son, as we all do, especially with him having ADHD which makes it even more tiring for you. You need a support network. Could you start a babysitting circle with other neighbours who have small children? If you pay in tokens you get a night out for free. If you cannot leave your son in order to babysit, you can have someone else's child at your house for a few hours or overnight to redress the balance.

Where do you live? Once you post your whereabouts you are likely to find other mumsnetters posting that they are nearby.

wrt support- online support can be good. I get a lot of support from people online (autistic son). you could NCT etc but to be honest i find mixing with normality more stressful than staying in autism land. If you have the energy could you hold an autism coffee morning/afternoon- /sometime round work. I held a couple a year or so ago (to tie in with a campaign) and LOADS of people turned up. I just put a piece in the local paper- and got a big response. Just gives a chance to see if there's anyone you click with.

No advice on the x front though

Thanks fio2 and Jimjams, i will do that, and yes the advice is certainly good advice!

Particular thanks to Janstar - I called my solicitors after your advice about formalising the contact arrangements and will make sure this will be done so that the worm can't wriggle out of his parental (I use that term very loosely for him) responsibilities.
He needs to know that he cannot do as your xh was doing and changing arrangements on a whim.
It is very difficult for me to meet at my house as every other Sat I take my son to the autistic group in Luton. To be honest, it feels safer in public in case he kicks off.
His track record as you say is particularly bad. Luckily I speak regularly to his first xw and she is great - we even stayed with her last year for a week on holiday and got to see more of his son than he has ever done! He has a step dad whom he calls Dad and rightly so, and he is a lovely well adjusted 15 yo who sees his biological scum bag of a father for what he is: a waste of a foreskin. Sorry, but it's true in his case.
I have learned however to ignore the abusive texts which I receive, because he loves nothing more to lay into me by text. I told him that unless it is to do with my son, I don't want to hear from or see him. An example from last week: "truth hurts eh. your a sad excuse for a woman let alone a useless mother! ah, been wanting to get that off my chest for ages! you'll always be single".

This is a "man" who will NOT give his son vegetables when he is with him on a Wed night. He has chips and sausage from the shop every time and then sits him in front of cartoon network. He then drops him back home and goes and makes a home made meal for him and his girlfriend!! Because I made an issue of it - he point blank refuses to give my son even a raw carrot (which he loves), claiming that he "can't afford them" and "you get enough at home"!!! Funnily enough, when I chucked him out, I told him that I had a real baby to look after and didn't need another one (ie. him).

Regarding the babysitting circle: sadly, my son does not sleep well at our home never mind at someone elses. On the very few occasions he has stayed with my sister, she now makes sure she has a good few nights sleep well in advance in order to prepare her for the restless night he wreaks on the household.

Janstar, did you get advice from Mumsnet when you were going through your ordeal? I am sorry that your xh was such a pathetic w**r, but you have come through smiling in the end, and that's exactly where I want to be. Thanks for your advice. xxx

I would keep a record of the abusive texts just in case you ever need to prove you are telling the truth about how abusive he is.

I would also keep a diary of his failings. If ever you have to fight to stop contact in court these things will help you.

I didn't mean to suggest your ds should stay overnight elsewhere. I was just thinking that if you started a babysitting circle you might not be able to babysit for others if you had to leave ds alone. I meant for other kids to possibly stay over with you or at least come to you for a few hours to enable you to babysit for your tokens.

Sadly I only discovered mumsnet about 9 months ago just as my court case was nearing resolution but I have been helped enormously even in that short time with various problems, some serious, some not. I hope you find the site as useful.

chocol8- is your son bad a settling at night? It might be worth asking your peadiatrician about melatonin. It's s natural substance which gets them to sleep (but won't keep them to sleep- so if he goes to bed ok but only sleeps a short time it might not be helpful). It has to be precribed by a consultant- not a GP, (just becuase of licencing- its not particularly dangerous). A lot of autistic children don't produce enough meloatonin which is why their sleeping patterns can be so painful.

RE finances- I assume you're claiming DLA.

Before I had a phone that kept more than 9 texts, I had to send them to a friend to keep, and make a copy of them by hand. Now I have a phone which has more memory, I have kept them as proof. I also have on my calendar when he cancels or disappoints my son. Last year on the Sat, he missed one week out of every month, which I bought to his attention.
The babysitting may not work for me as he is even worse at settling if there is someone else in the house. You can imagine what that is like on the rare occasion I manage to have a love life. If his cousin stays, he sleeps in my room on a camp bed and is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, but my son is awake longer shouting to him and messing about running to the loo etc. I can only imagine that this would be a more stressful situation for me as I am not good without my sleep. Nice idea though, I will pass it on to my sister who has 2 kids and 2 xh and like me, never gets out.
Talk about time off for good behaviour - I must have been very nasty in a previous life!
Mumsnet rules, I love it. I wish I had discovered it before.
I have tomorrow to deal with (apparently he will pick him up from the childminders as he "knows where he will be" and I have annual leave to destress. Shame I have to see his face in the evening. Once I get Sat over with, I will feel better. Though I WILL have my say about his behaviour - just a sentence to sum it all up and then say no more and let the solicitor deal with it. Wish me luck please.

I don't know why there is 2 smiley faces in my last message! Whoops.

Jimjams, thank you, I will speak to the doc about melatonin. I am not claiming DLA although I was sent the forms last year. I haven't got round to filling them in and know I should. I encourage other people to do it but never get round to doing it myself - along with sorting out two crash claims and a whole heap of other stuff. Thanks for the reminder. I just need a good kick up the bum.

Oh he sounds SUCH and ar*e - I am sorry. Definitely stop hanging around outside with your son. If you want him to have your son, he MUST come to your house.
What do you really want from this situation? What do you think would be best for you and your son? Could your sis have him every other sat for half a day? Or share that responsibility with your dad?
I also agree with swapping care with other mums.
If contact with your h is SO stressful that it is making you ill, then it clearly can't continue like this. I think you need to formalise contact, get a decent settlement and the CSA involved and stop caring what crap he spouts about you. He's a liar and that's it. Personally, I don't think cutting all contact would be a loss to you or your son. He doesn't deserve you or your lovely boy. You would probably be happier knowing you had nothing to do with this awful man.

It is no use asking for a financial settlement - as long as he continues to pay the nominal montly sum, then that is fine. I have savings - which is something he has never been able to do. He used to spend my money and his own on booze and cigarettes and going out, leaving me in to look after my son.

Maybe it would be a good idea to meet at our house though I am worried about not having witnesses if he goes off on one. We generally meet at McDonalds as this has remained the same for the past four and a half years. It seems to work.

It would be unfair to ask my sis to look after him really with a depressed teen and one the same age as mine, she has enough on her plate. Dad will be 69 this year and doesn't really understand my son - I can't blame him - nor do I sometimes, but he doesn't understand his needs and quirks, which I am used to.

I applied to become a shared carer last year and had an interview with the social worker. All went well until she said I have to have a reference from my h + 3 others. The 3 aren't a prob, but the h is: he will not give me a good one, claiming that it may psychologically damage my son if he doesn't get on with the child...er...yeah!

It's not unfair to ask your sister, as long as you make it plain you aren't demanding anything. You might really like to have your son over. You just don't know. Have you got the CSA involved? Have you taken over sole ownership of your house? That's what I mean by financial settlement. You want to be sure he won't be claiming anything from you. As for a reference from your h.Well presumably he won't be your h much longer! Have you got local friends who can help you out at all?

Hi Chocol8,
Have been following your thread and had a suggestion, if you could get around to filling in forms and claiming everything you are entitled to, perhaps you could drop 1 day at work, but still leave your son with the childminder for 5 days. That way your son would be settled with the minder he is already used to, and you would be guarenteed a day to yourself every week without feeling that you were putting upon others. Therefore, not having to rely on XH at all, it sounds as if with the right support you would be alot less stressed with this w**r out of your life, full stop.

Hi chocol8, I haven't any particular advice but I agree with Janstar and the others that this contact can't be doing you or your son any good. Your ex sounds horrible. I don't understand though, why the hell would anyone need HIM to give YOU a reference for anything? He's clearly unreliable, abusive, unreasonable, unpleasant etc - his views can't possibly be considered valid, surely? Can't you argue that one? If you meet at your house (assuming he already knows where you live), can you make sure there's always a friend or neighbour with you so you have witnesses if he kicks off or doesn't turn up? Good for you on keeping records re the texts and let downs but agree, the maintenance arrangement needs to be formalised, i.e agreed by the CSA so he can't think it's OK to use it as any kind of hold over you. Sorry that such a shitty situation has brought you to mumsnet but welcome anyway.

I just wanted to say that you sound a very strong, intelligent woman and with that going for you and the support I know you'll get from the women on this website I'm sure you'll be breathing better soon.

Hats off to Janstar once again for her wonderful words of advice and support.

With regard to your sons SN, I personally have found the special needs section on mumsnet a great form of support and comfort. Just to mull things over, have a rant, be proud of something that may seem small to someone else and so on.

How lovley that this site was recommened to you by the male partner of a women who uses and enjoys this site.
I hope you get alot out of mumsnet, I'm sure that you will

It certainly would be a good idea to pull my finger out and get the forms filled in!

With the reference situation, this is now the way that things are done for shared care/foster care -apparently since a case last the year before last where a child was killed. When interviewed, the x spouse said that the x would be a very bad person to foster. Now they ask for refs off all spouses or x's, and that's fair enough. I should just have kept my gob shut and not warned him about it - its just another power point as far as he's concerned.

I will take the care course and see if I am at a stage where he will not feck up my ref, if I am, I will simply offer my services to Mums within my autistic group instead of going through all the hassle and then losing out cos of that waste of space badmouthing me.

Could you not say that he has refused to give you a reference or explain his feelings of opposition to your application then maybe they would see the situation for what it is.

Another thought just occurred to me when catching up with this thread...can you arrange for contact with h to be at a contact centre. You can organise this through the court using the problems with 'kicking off', meals and reliability as reasons to support your request.

A contact centre is a neutral venue like a church hall where your drop your son at the appointed time and staff log you in and out. Your h arrives by another entrance and you don't even have to see him. Then you come back 2 hours or whatever later. Your son is in a public place the whole time and relatively safe, also your h's not turning up would be noted for you to use in further disputes.

I did ask my solicitor about this a while ago, although I feel bad that my son has to go through this, when really I just have to be brave and get on with it.

My son asked (aware that I have annual leave today) if I could pick him up from school tonight. I said to him that his dad was picking him up and he said can you call him and ask if he will collect me from school? I promised I would but that daddy would probably be working but I would text him. I did text and asked if he could, I got back "well at least you kept your word will c him at usual time".

The things I want to say to him are not for this site - I am SO ANGRY. I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but even to have to see his face tonight, grieves me and fecks up my day. I should be out enjoying myself, not thinking "oh sh1t, I have to see him tonight.

I had arranged for an xbf to come over on Sat pm when I hand my son over, but to be honest it could do more harm than good as my son may think we are back together again. The xbf is 6 ft 5 and my h is 5ft 8, so it was for intimidation purposes only that I asked him. I think I will have to say sommat tonight so that I don't have to worry about it the rest of the week til Sat to have my say.

I am sorry, I cannot say nothing - but I am gonna tell him the only person he upset last week was his son, and that by taking it out on me, he hurt his son so much. The h thinks he is right, and I will never get him to see he is wrong, but I have to defend my son. Urghhhhhhhh!!!!!