I need help...I am at my wits end!

[Chocol8]

Where do I start? Four and a half years ago I chucked my h out because I couldn't stand his behaviour anymore. He was abusive, both mentally and physically and a heavy binge drinker. My son was one and a half at the time.
Since then, excluding a few months here and there over the last few years, he has been abusive by text and in person. I am in the process of divorcing him and he has now moved in with his girlfriend, having sold his house.
He has 2 other children, aged 15 and 10 from 2 different relationships but never sees them and hasn't contacted them for over 2 years.
His behaviour is driving me round the twist, his constant aggression and the way he twists things: ie, I remortgaged the house (which was in my name due to him having a ccj) and gave him £5,000 with the proviso that he use the money as a deposit for a house. I lent him money and helped him out, however now it is me who has "swindled him out of £5k". He lives on another planet.
My problem is that he sees his son 2 hours on a Wed and more recently for 5 hours on a Sat. If he cannot make it due to it snowing (he lives in a village) or he has other arrangements, he cancels and will not see him at any other time even if he is free. My son was diagnosed as ADHD and Asperger's last year and is on medication. He can be very hard work and I do not have a large support group. My h refuses to believe there is a problem of any sort and to my mind "uses" my son as a weapon against me. Last Sat he was busy "seeing friends" and this Sat we went to the agreed meeting place and he was late. I texted him to say we were "outside" the place rather than in, and he texted me to say he shouldn't have to wait around to see where to meet us, therefore, I had my son again for the afternoon. I explained to my son (who was worried about his daddy) that daddy was being a bit silly and had forgotten where to meet us, but not to worry as we were going to have a brilliant afternoon together. I am at my wits end with this behaviour and am so stressed that all weekend I have been having breathing problems.
The question is: is there anything I can do to stop this behaviour - there must be other women out there who recognise this scenario. I would really quite like to use his head as a punch bag...that would diminish the stress. What can I do? By the way, 8 months ago he cashed in my life policy and I have only just got the policy reinstated and the money paid back by him. PLEASE does anyone have any suggestions (other than the punch bag?).

By the way, I live in Luton, and I am not sure that there are any contact centres around here. It was suggested that we meet at my sister's house every Sat but this would not work as she is not in every Sat.

Chocol8, a contact centre sounds like a good idea -you shouldn't have to feel like this, wondering whether this bully is going to 'kick off'. I'd have thought Luton would be big enough to have one. Your poor boy, wondering if his dad's going to turn up tonight.

I've been lurking and reading everything people have to say but I don't have any experience to call on. But I'm so sorry you're going through this chocol8. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Also I found this link which might be helpful. It's based in Luton.

Can I reinforce the advice to keep notes about your ex's behaviour? Rather than keep the notes in different places, such as on phones, calendars, etc., could you purchase a largish diary and make contemporaneous notes about everything? This would include what he says to you when you meet. The courts do pay attention to such diaries and it could be a powerful weapon if you finally decide that breaking all contact is in the best interests of your son.

Have you contacted social services about respite care? They may be able to offer you help every so often.

I'm down near St Albans, a little too far to offer to help with babysitting, I'm afraid, but there are other mumsnetters in your area. Perhaps there might be one who is in a babysitting circle.

We had to travel to Luton to see the CAFCASS officer when we had our court case. I must say he was very thorough and had the childrens' best interests at heart. If you end up going there at any stage I am sure they will understand your concerns.

Thanks again for your support and advice and to PipBeckett for the link on ADHD, which I will read and then forward to my son's school.

I texted h on Monday to ask if he would be collecting my son tonight - he said - yes, because I know where he will be. He did collect him and when he dropped him off my son said: Daddy said that it was you being silly on Saturday cos his battery had run down and he couldnt call. I asked my son where we usually meet daddy and he said McDonalds: a 6 year old knows something a 41 year old doesnt! Not that that surprises me.

I REALLY wanted to say just a sentence to the t**r tonight, but there was so much I wanted to say I just ended up ignoring him and pretended he wasnt there as usual. I would love for his girlfriend to be there on Sat - if she dares to defend his actions, I will just tell her that to wait and see if she thinks she will be treated any differently from his past 3 exes and their children.

I am still incensed at his behaviour toward my son. I spent my annual leave in London trying to relax and hoped a bit of retail therapy would work. It didn't...I spent nothing and was a miserable bag all day. I finished reading my book in Leicester Sq in the sunshine: "Man and Boy" by Tony Parsons - Highly recommended.

Anyway, I will text him on Friday night to tell him where and when we will be meeting from Sat onwards. Unless there are any last minute changes, then it remains unchanged from that day forth, making texting or calling unecessary...after all, one of us may have a flat battery.

hi chocol8 i live in dunstable if you ever want to talk

just caught up with this. know what you mean about dla- I was sent renewal forms in october and only sent them off last week. do it in short bursts, or make an appointment to see an advisor. It's worth having.

no advice on the ex front though. he sounds quite useless

Thanks Shireensmom, how would we go about actually talking? Derr, that sounds dim, but you know what I mean?

Yes, the forms are a nightmare - I think I actually chucked them out in a clear out last year. I will have to contact them again and ask for replacements.

do you have msn my email add is [email protected] where abouts in luton do you live

Hi Nicola

I don't have MSN i am afraid - but can email you directly.

I live in Leagrave. Where are you in Dunstable?

Update on w**r of a h: I texted him as requested to say that we will meet outside McDonalds every Saturday from now on so that way we don't have to call or text. He texted back saying "No from now on we agree conditions rather than you dictating them". OOOOKKKKKK! He was the only one confused with a meeting place after several years of doing this!

Anyway, i replied "where do you wanna meet?" which I think probably surprised him. He suggested somewhere, then I did, and since then, I haven't heard a dicky bird. This was at 7.30, so I texted him (for the last time) and asked if my suggestion was acceptable - nothing.

If he thinks he is going to bugger me and my ds around tomorrow, he is wrong. I have made arrangements for tomorrow afternoon which I intend to keep. If he doesn't reply by 12, my ds comes with me and I will not discuss it any further. I have tried to keep things on an even keel, and my breathing is no better and I have broken out in a rash on my face and chest due to stress. No more! That t**r is gonna have to learn - and fast.

Am I right in doing this or should I have to lick his ar$e and bow down to what he says so that I am not being as bad as him?

i live in westfield road (the fire station road) how are you today? if you need to talk just email me

Chocol8-not reaLLY MUCH ADVICE. HAD AN EX, THINGS OK, JUST ABOUT, BUT HANG IN THERE. MUMSNETTERS ARE GREAT FOR SORTING THINGS OUT, LEGALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND FOR JUST HAVING A RANT! IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM AND DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. KEEP POSTING, WHENEVER, WHATEVER TIME. I CAN GUARANTEE THERE WILL BE A MN ON LINE SOMETIME SOON.XXXXXX

Have tried to ignore this whole situation for some time, hoping it will go away, but I am at that stage again...Friday night and no idea where to meet again for ds' visit to his dad's tomorrow.

My breathing has got so bad now, I just wanna cry and go to sleep for a very long time - why don't humans hibernate????!!!

I am too tired and my ds keeps asking if I am mad at him, and says "where's that beautiful smile?", which just makes me wanna cry! I have texted h tonight but had no response to where we are to meet. If I have heard nothing by 12 noon, we will go somewhere nice by train and find the nearest Wagamama's and stuff our faces full of noodles!

Thanks for your support - just an update.

Hi - so sorry to hear what you're going through.
How about either getting something from the doctor for yourself - like a serious dose of Prozac , or something like Kalms from the chemist which might help calm you down a bit.
I think your D?H is winding you up to the hilt and you are letting him. I know it's tough but I think it's important not to show him he's getting to you - you need to be SO laid back with him you're supine and eventually he will stop messing you about if he's gettin no reaction out of you. It will take a while but you need to act like you don't care what he does - wait for him to text YOU. hope this helps and chin up

Chocol8, what a terrible time you're having. I don't need to tell you that, you already know. Problem is, you're still allowing this bully to rule your life. He has total control, you don't know the arrangements for tomorrow and that is having an effect not only on your life but also your ds. I agree with the advice you've already received and your own thoughts, a new routine, new life for you would be the best move. Let the ex-dh realise that you can survive without him. It will be difficult at first, particularly as you have little in the way of support network, but let's be honest he gives you no support anyway. Get rid of him, he's no good for you or your ds, you deserve better. Also, your breathing problems are probably due to the anxiety you are experiencing, I suggest a visit to your GP who should be able to offer support. Good luck, keep in touch.

I haven't read the entire thread, so excuse me if I'm repeating anything. I assume that you and ex-dh are separated, but not yet divorced so there is no formal arrangements wrt his seeing your son. So, your son lives with you and you are in charge. I would suggest that you send the father a letter, setting out exactly how contact is going to progress, e.g. from Saturday at 10am, him collecting from your home (or another agreed location) and delivering him back on Saturday/Sunday at x hours. Give him the opportunity in the letter to respond with any problems he may have with this. If he point blank refuses to cooperate, then you stop all contact. He is then placed in the position of having to apply to the court for a formal order. The benefit of putting this in writing (as opposed to texts/phone calls) is that you can produce any correspondence within court proceedings and the court will take into account whether he has been reasonable or not. Keep a diary of exactly what is said or done by him, including whether he sticks to any agreed arrangement or not. This can also be produced in court.

You are the one in control. Stop letting him take it from you.

I second Freckle's advice, Chocol8. If you don't do this now you will wish you had later on.

Thanks Freckle, yes we are separated pending the divorce. I bought a diary and have started slowly putting in times and texts etc. I will also attempt to write a letter to him to try and formalise the contact arrangements, that is a good idea.

On the way to see his dad today, my ds turned to me and out of the blue said: "Mummy, do you like daddy?"...mmmmm...!!! What could I say? I said, "sometimes when he messes us around I'm not so keen on him, but we both love YOU, so don't you worry about it". He seemed to accept this, though I wonder if my ds will even get an Easter Egg from him this year. The year before last he got a 99p buttons egg!

Bobs and Littlemissbossy - I have tried to be laid back, but to be honest I just cannot bring myself to even speak or look at him for the last 5 weeks - if I open my mouth, all the anguish and anger will come spouting forth and I may never stop. H said to me today "see you at 6", but I just blanked him...after 4.5 years, I think my ds knows what time he is due back, so he certainly should!

I went to the docs last September and have only just started some counselling. I would rather not have to take medication, and I have received some coping strategies which I am trying out. Kalms may be an idea though, thanks. I had 4 panic attacks (for no reason) yesterday, and my breathing gets so bad I think I will pass out sometimes. Still, I am not going to let it spoil our Easter break - my ds and I are going to visit some friends in Cambridge. Hope you all have a good Easter and thanks for your usual words of wisdom.

Great! ds came home at 6 with h's g/f holding a foil tray combo with a label on top. Apparently h's g/f made cakes and pizza together (well he mixed the ingredients). It sounds like he had a great time and though I love that, it's suddenly like: ooh, let's make an effort once in 4 years to do something he will enjoy rather than the usual visiting of aunts and uncles and smoking all over him whilst he watches a video. Rant rant rant...! I don't know whose idea it was (prob ds' but there was a special cake wrapped up in a message with heart shapes punched out of it)

I did think to text h to say to thank his g/f for doing that but then I thought no, why should I? The g/f did seem abit wary of me today though and kind of scuttled up the drive and then back again to the safety of the car. h did try to talk to me again and I just grunted at him.

Do you think I should just be polite and thank her? I really don't want to call incase he answers and if I text, he prob wouldn't pass the text on to her.

Chocol8, I really do think you need to see a solicitor and get contact formalised. Your ex cannot be allowed to continue to muck you and your son (who sounds lovely) around like this. One day of baking cakes does not a parental relationship make, as you say. I'm not surprised you have hives and panic attacks, this all sounds very stressful. You definitely gave your son the right answer to his question about liking his father I'd say. He sounds such a nasty piece of work, you're doing well to remain civil and calm.

WWW - thanks, yes I spoke to my solicitor who suggested either I or she write a letter outlining the access agreements as they stand: 7 hours a week and get him to agree to it. If he won't keep to it, then she suggested we take it further via the courts. That way, it can be seen that I have made the effort without "bringing in the big boys" first.

I guess this is a good idea. He is keeping to the arrangement at present, but I am sure he will bore of this soon enough and know that all access will cease if he splits up with his current g/f.

I was in his g/f's situation with his dd, 7 years ago, and I used to end up looking after her every other weekend (fri - sun) whilst he buggered off to work. She doesn't seem too bad really, it's just a shame about him! Could I run it by MN so that I can get some feedback please?

That sounds like a good idea. I gather the courts will refuse to get involved if they don't think you've tried to resolve things amicabably. Yes, do ask MN, anyone can post anything they like and I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice here! I hope so anyway (that's if you meant Mumsnetters by MN, I may have completely misunderstood you, if so apologies

You were right, I did mean Mumsnetters, thanks.