Recently separated - four kids, youngest 2 years old - help!

[ramona14]

My husbands best friend is interested in me - not sure what to do. We are in the midst of a possible divorce - very emotionally confusing time. Not sure what to do about friend's advances...

I.really.think.it.would.be.dangerous.to.be.alone.with.this.man.

I.think.if.you.let.him.in.the.house.when.there's.no.one.else.there.he.may.rape.you.or.try.to.
Everything.he.has.said.suggest.he.intends.to,stick,his,dick.in.you.and.has.no.interest,in.your.opinion.

Don't take him on OP. If he is truly into you he will wait.

I divorced my husband. Became a lone parent to four dc aged two three five and six. I was very vulnerable. Scared I would never find someone that would take on my four kids and I. I was scared of coping on my own.

Went head first into a whirlwind relationship where he said all the things I was desperate to hear. Felt alive again. Wanted again after years of a disinterested husband. Six weeks it lasted. He got me into bed and then decided it was all too much.

I'm not saying all men are the same. I'm not saying he is the same. But it's just common sense to take time to yourself and common sense to any decent man to not pounce when a woman is vulnerable.

I suspect you may not listen and that's up to you. Just be careful. You can look after your kids all by yourself and you don't need anyone to hold your hand. You just have to give yourself a chance.

Hi, thanks everyone - trying to sort this all out. He knows a lot about me because I opened up to him, sorry about it now. I shared things about our marriage. Since my last baby I have felt unresponsive. My ex knew that but still insisted on being intimate. I distanced myself emotionally. I felt used but I made my choices too. This went on for a couple of years.

I told my ex it was hormonal and my issue not his. He just accepted that. It was just routine and habit for me and that disconnected us emotionally. I shared that with this new guy and he said that was awful but he was curious why I would object to his approach when I tolerated my ex. I explained he was my husband at the time and compromised. He said that wasn't right and my ex's fault not mine for allowing it.

It can't just be sex he is offering can it? he said he hates that word and prefers intimacy? he sent me flowers today. Says he can't wait to discuss all this on Wednesday night! omg. He said our special journey can begin!? I have been trying to lose some weight so very self conscious, butt is way too big, but he said I look fine. How can I tell if he's lying? thanks

Special journey? This isn't some Disney movie OP.

You can tell by what he is doing. Taking advantage of a vulnerable woman not long separated. Flowers and flattery and cheesy lines. Reassuring your worries about your body and kids. Getting you in a position to believe he is the answer to all your problems.

If he was truly interested and wanted something long term with you he would give you time and space to heal. Not go headlong into another relationship when more than likely it will be rebound.

I know I am making a lot of assumptions OP and i am sure you are smart and strong. But separation whether you wanted it or not is hard. Hard in you. Hard on the kids. There is no rush. He is being very full on from your posts and that rings alarm bells to me.

It sounds like this guy is manipulating and coercing you into sex. The things he is saying indicate that he is could be an emotionally abusive man. If you don't know about this kind of man then look it up. These men start by manipulating you into bed then they manipulate their way into your head. This is very bad for you emotionally in the long term. In turn it is bad for your kids. You don't need him. You don't want him. Tell him clearly you are not interested and distance yourself from him. Lean on your own friends for support. You are strong enough.

Special journey? OP he is not your sex therapist FFS, he is a manipulating dirtbag.

TELL YOUR EX what his friend is doing. See what HE has to say. Think about it. This guy is practically demanding you sleep with him.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are NOT going to "meet" with him, you are NOT going to "discuss" it with him, and you are NOT going to sleep with him. EVER. And be firm about it. Keep him out of your house. He is a predator and he is grooming you and manipulating you, because he thinks you're an easy fuck. (and who knows, he might even report it back to your ex, who will then have grounds to divorce you for adultery, eh? You want to hand him THAT on a platter???)

Have a bit of self respect here. He is using you. This is not the way a normal man speaks to a woman. Do NOT be alone with him.

"special journey"? wtaf?? does he think his knob is magic or something?

:( You sound so keen to have someone love you again.

he was curious why I would object to his approach when I tolerated my ex

So you opened up to this man about sex with your H - how you basically made yourself into just a body for him to use, while distancing yourself emotionally from what was going on. And his response was "Well, if you let your H do that, why wouldn't you let me?" ???? I hope I've misunderstood you there, because if not that's absolutely horrendous.

Ramona, I really don't think you should date anyone| for at least a year, and use that year to build up your boundaries and your self-esteem. Are you very young, or were you brought up to believe that women must obey men and can't manage without one in their lives? You sound worryingly passive, and in all your posts about this rapist (because that's what he is - everything you have said about him suggests a calculating rapist) not once have you said anything which suggests you actually want to have sex with him. YOU get to choose who you have sex with. You have every right to refuse sexual contact of any kind.

I genuinely think you are in danger of being raped by this man. While he is raping you, he will tell you it's for your own good. Afterwards, he will tell everyone that you wanted it, really. He will have done this to lots of women beforehand - this is a classic rapist strategy. First, the kindness and the flattery, then the suggestion that you 'ought' to allow him to do sex to you, followed by the insistence that you 'need' his penis and refusing to engage with it is an indication that there is something wrong with you. Which his penis will cure. If you carry on refusing, he will just rape you, because he Knows It's The Right Thing To DO and you will thank him in the end.

Please cut all contact with him and tell everyone that he is creepy and makes your skin crawl. Men like this should be widely shamed and mocked.

OP you have the right to say No to this man. No is a complete sentence!

You do not have to have sex with him just because he is trying to argue you into it.

In fact everyone is telling you not to, it is too soon.

Please take control of this situation. Do not be alone with him. Say No to him coming to your house. Just text him and say sorry, you are cancelling. Then turn your phone off if need be.

Exactly what CharlotteCollins said:

So you opened up to this man about sex with your H - how you basically made yourself into just a body for him to use, while distancing yourself emotionally from what was going on. And his response was "Well, if you let your H do that, why wouldn't you let me?" ???? I hope I've misunderstood you there, because if not that's absolutely horrendous.

That is the true mark of this man right there. He knows that you have been abused by another man and he says that he should therefore be allowed to treat you the same. He is an absolute arsehole.

I also wonder if that's why you're having such a hard time saying no to this guy - because on some level you feel that you are there to please men?

OP, have you heard of the freedom programme? I think it could really help you. I'm not sure where to do it - I think women's aid, but others will know. Honestly OP, your responses are a little off kilter at the moment because you are still reeling from your relationship. This is not a good man but you don't seem to be able to say what you want to happen.

He is coming over to yours to 'have intimacy' with you.

Unless you say no, now, it looks like you will be exchanging one abusive relationship for another.

Do you want to be with this man?

ramona ... at the very least please ask him to back off for 6 months.

This is absolutely not the time to be hopping into bed - or smooth-talked into bed- by anyone. Do it in 6 months if you like, but not now. It will leave you feeling hollow and used - because you will have been.

:(

So he's coming over midweek then? So he could possibly be there today?

OP, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. But I suspect that you'll post later that he came over and said all the right things and before you knew it you were having sex

So hang on he started by saying it was 'clearing the air' and now it's the start of a 'special journey'. I'm gobsmacked. Listen to what everyone is saying please..this has to be one of the creepiest threads I've ever read. He is playing you like a fiddle. Please don't fall for it, he will be nothing but bad news for you.

He said your last pregnancy was your exs fault?!

Seriously leave well alone.

Do not see him and stop confiding in him.

Like others have said stay well away.

You're in danger from sleep walking from one mess into another because you have no clue who you are, what you want and why you want it. Your relationship with your Ex has left you with serious self esteem and boundary issues, which leaves you vulnerable and in no position to be in a relationship with anybody right now. It's so tempting to want to fast forward over the shit, in order to get to the happier bits but failing to learn and heal from the past just increases the risk of repeating past errors.

Tell this man that you are not looking for sex or a relationship. DO NOT explain or justify, just "I'm not looking for sex or a relationship". He will turn up the pressure and will start making the 'You owe me' noises and eventually he'll switch tack and start blaming you for everything.

You are worth so much more than your EX and this creep, value yourself before entertaining bids because the current offer on the table is an insult.

You seem to be quite decided that you will be seeing him tonight. Can you at least meet him somewhere rather than home, somewhere public? You could say you need to get out of the house for awhile.

The fact that you have a babysitter and are home alone, he could take this as a green flag.

SGB's suggestion about a year off men to work on boundaries and self-esteem is a very good one. [[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404938894&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries+cloud+townsend This is an excellent book on the subject.]] I think you would find it quite an eye-opener.

Eek! Link fail.

How are you feeling today, OP?