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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Recently separated - four kids, youngest 2 years old - help!

74 replies

ramona14 · 04/07/2014 14:24

My husbands best friend is interested in me - not sure what to do. We are in the midst of a possible divorce - very emotionally confusing time. Not sure what to do about friend's advances...

OP posts:
DottyDooRidesAgain · 06/07/2014 08:47

RUN AWAY FROM THIS MAN!

He is fully aware of how vulnerable you are and he is using every trick in the book to get you in the sack then he will walk no run away.

He will tell you:
You are beautiful.
Your ex didn't appreciate you.
Your ex took advantage.
I adore children but I haven't been lucky enough to have my own.
You need somebody that can care for you the way you deserve.
I am different from your ex, I am not controlling.
I have been thinking what our life together would be like, holidays, Christmas, romantic nights in, family outings.

You have a lot going on at the moment. You need to concentrate on your children and rebuilding your family.

If he is genuine and supportive then he will still be around in a few months once your life is more settled.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do but I will not be surprised if I see a thread from you with the title I slept with a man I thought liked me now he's not returning my calls.

hamptoncourt · 06/07/2014 11:23

Good grief he sounds really creepy - like he has read some kind of manual on How to Get into A Vulnerable Womans Knickers.

Stay away from him!

ChangelingToday · 06/07/2014 11:57

Omg please don't swallow all this guff he's feeding you. You are in a vulnerable place right now and he's totally taking advantage of you. If you need stuff done around the house can't your ex do it?

CharlotteCollins · 06/07/2014 21:33

You asked what you should do about him - and this thread has given you a unanimous response: distance yourself from this man. So he tries to meet up, you tell him you're busy and so on. You'll probably be made to feel quite unreasonable, even cold-hearted, rather than having your wishes respected.

But persist. It could be, ironically, that standing firm protecting your boundaries like this will be much better for you than what he's suggesting.

Do you have any real friends or supportive family that you can lean on while you ignore this charlatan?

Original poster
ramona14 · 07/07/2014 08:16

I have expressed my concerns to him and he says he understands. He is coming over mid week to talk it out and clear the air and hear me out. No pressure he says. I guess I owe him that much. I guess I will see what happens, thanks for the support. He says he has something for the kids. My mom is going to babysit the kids at her place. I hope we can resolve this. I feel like this is all my fault. Thanks again. R.

OP posts:
nomoretether · 07/07/2014 08:28

You don't owe him anything. Having something for the kids is yet more manipulation. There isn't anything to resolve - you're in a vulnerable place and he's tried to make a move. The only thing you need to say is "Thanks but no thanks". If he's genuine, he'll still be around when you're ready.

Preciousbane · 07/07/2014 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebecca2014 · 07/07/2014 08:44

You have just broken up with your husband, you have four children yet you allowing your husband best friend into your house alone...Have you called the Jeremy Kyle show?

ChasedByBees · 07/07/2014 09:34

What he's saying to you is that you don't know your feelings, he knows them better than you. And what you want (and almost need for your recovery) is to sleep with him. It almost seems like he's trying to override your consent, because you may not want to sleep with him but he's persuading you that that is not true - it's because of your ex, it's because you don't understand and you need to open yourself to new experiences.

A truly nice guy would accept that you know your own feelings and if for some reason you don't, would wait until you do, for sure. He would wait for you to choose him.

ChasedByBees · 07/07/2014 09:39

You don't owe him anything.

CharlotteCollins · 07/07/2014 10:04

Please meet in a public place. It will be much easier to walk away when you're feeling uncomfortable than to get him to leave when he doesn't want to.

Expect the result of this evening to be that you feel more pressure to do what he suggests, but you feel that the pressure can't have come from him because he's being so nice.

And then realise that he is pressurising you by being nice.

You're right in the middle of what you describe as a possible divorce. You do not need a man right now. You need space for yourself and your DCs.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/07/2014 10:26

This "meeting" will be a final push to get you into bed. DON'T meet him at your home. You're better off not meeting him at all, but if you must, then do it in a public place.

I still think you should tell your ex what is going on.

You do NOT owe him ANYTHING. He is USING you.

Dirtybadger · 07/07/2014 10:41

The more you write, OP, the creepier this guy sounds. Stay well clear. Don't meet him if you're unlikely to be able to assert yourself in person. By whatever means necessary let him know you need some space. You can tell him you appreciate his support, if you like. Don't let him tell you what you need. He will probably insist, somehow, that you need him. You don't! He's bloody weird and manipulating you for a shag.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/07/2014 10:44

Just.text.him'I.owe.you.nothing.and.do.not.want.to.see.or.hear.from.you.again.'

He.has.noright.at,all.to.any.contact.wth.you.against.your.wishes.and.if,he.won't.leave.you.aone.you.can.inform.the.police.

He.sounds.like.a.potential.rapist.He.probably.has.raped.before.now.

canweseethebunnies · 07/07/2014 13:11

The language you are using is odd and telling. Why do you need to 'resolve' this? There is nothing to resolve. It's sound like you feel like you have to present a convincing argument as to why you don't want to sleep with him, because if you don't have a proper reason you're being 'unfair' on him. You are not!

'You owe it to yourself to give someone a chance' is such a line! He is highly manipulative and annoyingly persistent. You don't have to explain yourself, just tell him to do one! Although if you do, there is a good chance he will start harassing you and won't let it drop, which will mean he is a total prick. I think the advice is unanimous here, OP.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/07/2014 13:15

Tell your ex to tell his friend to leave you the hell alone. With any luck, that alone will keep him busy dealing with your ex, who will probably have a thing or two to say to him about it.

IlikeCowboys · 07/07/2014 13:29

how long ago did you and your ex break up and are you in your 20's?

LadyMud · 07/07/2014 13:36

He said any involvement is not about him . . .
He said . . . my ex was not meeting my emotional needs
He says he has no agenda . . .
He said it isn't about anything selfish on his part
He also said that having four kids doesn't bother him
He said he has always wanted children . . .
He said he had feelings for me . . .
He said I owe it to myself . . .

He said I need to explore new feelings . . .
He said that didn't matter . . .
He says he understands that . . .
He said it was about communication . . .

Please give yourself a break from this dreadful man, Ramona, and find some space to think for yourself

tachehag · 07/07/2014 14:38

LOL this is the second thread I've seen on here today where someone v recently broken up is propositioned by the ex's best friend!

Really, it doesn't matter what you do -- but I would urge you to keep your powder dry. There's be better fish in the sea than this!

tachehag · 07/07/2014 14:38

Oh totes agree with this:

Tell your ex to tell his friend to leave you the hell alone. With any luck, that alone will keep him busy dealing with your ex, who will probably have a thing or two to say to him about it.

Ringsender2 · 07/07/2014 14:40

You don't owe him anything. He is a complete and utter creep and sleazeball. And predating upon you. Euuurrrgyh.

If this were the 1970's, he would have an open shirt showing a hairy chest, a HUUUUGE gold medallion and be discussing 'opening your chakras', when really all along he means 'opening your legs'. He may not be as recognisable to you in the 2010's as he doesn't have a medallion and ultra-tight jeans, but that is just his disguise. He is that man and you should avoid.

tachehag · 07/07/2014 14:40

Ok read the rest now OP, really quite annoyed at your ex's friend and his horrible predatory vibe.

Are some men living in the year 5000BC?

Charley50 · 07/07/2014 14:45

Ugh he is disgusting! He'll probably try and blackmail you if you sleep with him to make you do it more. And what sort of 'best friend' is he to your almost ex-DH? Can you imagine doing that to your best friend? Why is this 'man' trying to do it to you?
You sound very worn down and vulnerable. You don't owe him anything. Don't meet him tonight, tell him to fuck off and I agree with others who say tell your ex that this is how his 'friend' is behaving with you.
Yuk! Sorry you are going through a break up but you don't need this shot.

Charley50 · 07/07/2014 14:47

When I said blackmail I mean threaten to tell your husband. Beat him to it and tell him yourself. Sorry but what a prick he is.

adaorarda · 07/07/2014 16:07

you OWE him?

Jesus OP you are in trouble

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