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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recently separated - four kids, youngest 2 years old - help!

74 replies

ramona14 · 04/07/2014 14:24

My husbands best friend is interested in me - not sure what to do. We are in the midst of a possible divorce - very emotionally confusing time. Not sure what to do about friend's advances...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2014 14:39

Tell this male opportunist to sling his hook. This man is truly no friend of yours and you do not need any more complications now.

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/07/2014 14:42

It's amazing who comes crawling out of the woodwork for a possible shag situation when they smell vulnerable woman.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 04/07/2014 16:50

Tell him to get lost. Some best friend he is, eh? Unless of course, he's trying to help your DH make you look really awful and set you up somehow.

Either way - avoid avoid avoid.

Quitelikely · 04/07/2014 16:54

Focus on your marriage. Getting divorced? Do that then think about other men.

Sleeping with your husbands friend won't go down well married or not.

WildBillfemale · 04/07/2014 17:04

Tell the chancer to eff off.

CharlotteCollins · 04/07/2014 17:08

I notice you don't say you are interested in him...

My advice is: ignore him, concentrate on your own life, swear off men for two years and enjoy your DCs.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2014 17:12

Tell him to back off: you're not ready for any kind of relationship at the moment. If he won't leave you alone, it's fine to get nasty and even involve the police if necessary, though it's not likely to get that far/

He very probably is a chancer - a percentage of men think that any woman who is not the marked property of another man is available to them/must be 'desperate for cock'. It's possible, of course, that he has always been attracted to you and despises your H for mistreating/leaving you, but if that were the case he would be prepared to give you enough time and space to recover before trying to start a relationship with you.

Original poster

ramona14 · 05/07/2014 13:53

Hi, why do you say that, explain more?

OP posts:

Original poster

ramona14 · 05/07/2014 13:58

Thanks for all the advice. Just a little more on the situation. He has been really helpful with the kids, is not married, was engaged but it didn't work out. He said any involvement is not about him, but comforting me and supporting me. He knows our situation. It is very confusing. He said my ex was not meeting my emotional needs. He blames him for my last pregnancy. I had some depression afterwards, wasn't sure I wanted a fourth child. We had long talks after the kids went to bed, more than my ex and I ever did...he says he has no agenda but has suggested intimacy as a way of proving he cares? - but he said it isn't about anything selfish on his part - thanks. Meaghan

OP posts:

Original poster

ramona14 · 05/07/2014 14:00

He also said that having four kids doesn't bother him. He said he has always wanted children and he does love them. I don't know what to think. I was shocked when he suggested staying overnight! - wow. M.

OP posts:

whitsernam · 05/07/2014 14:01

What a line he's stringing you!! I thought I'd heard it all by now, but this is new. "intimacy as a way of proving he cares" Ha ha ha. He's a chancer, it's just that he got to you first. Just wait, there will be more of them.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/07/2014 14:15

Yuck! This man is creepy and manipulative. He thinks that you 'owe' him sex, and all his kindness has been about manoevering you into a position where you will feel guilty if you don't open your legs.

You do not owe him sex. And if you don't fancy him, there is no benefit to you in letting him stick his dick in you. He is dishonest and predatory - best cut contact with him completely.

Sherlockholmes221b · 05/07/2014 14:19

No one posting here knows him, you do. How do you feel about him? Can you see yourself in a relationship with him somewhere down the line? Do you fancy him?
I too would be very suspicious of the 'intimacy' line. If I was interested in him I would make it VERY clear that sex was not on the agenda for a long time, if ever, that you had just come out of a marriage with his supposed BF and what you really need at this point is hand holding, a shoulder to cry on and some practical support. You'll soon see if he is genuine or not.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/07/2014 15:11

He said any involvement is not about him, but comforting me and supporting me. He knows our situation. It is very confusing. He said my ex was not meeting my emotional needs. He blames him for my last pregnancy.
We had long talks after the kids went to bed, more than my ex and I ever did...he says he has no agenda but has suggested intimacy as a way of proving he cares? - but he said it isn't about anything selfish on his part

Sorry, but he suggested intimacy as a way of proving he cares?? Someone who REALLY cared about you would back off and not try to mess with you emotionally right now, NOT try to get into your knickers.

He is trying to take advantage of you. Comforting and supporting you?? Not likely. What rubbish.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/07/2014 15:15

It's a very old line, OP, and a clear indicator of a bad man - 'Suck my dick, it's for your own good.' 'What you need is a good screw, whether you like it or not.' If a man said any of this stuff to me I would howl with laughter and mock him mercilessly - you might give that strategy a try, if you like.

Isetan · 05/07/2014 17:49

'Suck my dick, it's for your own good.'

CharlotteCollins · 05/07/2014 21:50

If you're feeling confused, take it as a good sign that you're not ready for a relationship right now. Of course you're not - and nobody with an ounce of sense would expect you to be.

It is very risky to get involved with someone very quickly after a serious relationship breaks down.

If this guy is genuine, he will wait for you. Give yourself two years - tbh, it sounds like you could do with some work on your self-esteem and "in a relationship" is NOT the place to do that.

(In case all this sounds a bit judgy, I'll just mention that I am working on my self-esteem after my marriage broke down. I - similarly to you, I think - thought little about what I wanted and much more about what my H and others wanted me to do. It's not healthy. I'm currently expecting to be single for 15 years! :o)

CharlotteCollins · 05/07/2014 21:58

In any case, a man who says, "I don't want to have sex with you for myself, but I'm willing to because it'll be good for you" is more than a little bit creepy.

Original poster

ramona14 · 06/07/2014 00:27

Thanks again for the replies. It has been helpful. He has helped with the kids and with things around the house. I am grateful that so was surprised when he said he had feelings for me. He said I owe it to myself to give someone else a chance. He said I need to explore new feelings and experiences. I told him I had four kids and was not physically like I was ten years ago. He said that didn't matter and he understood and that it was nothing to be shy or self conscious about? - he seems sincere. I am reluctant and he knows it and he says he understands that too but that I am emotionally withdrawn caused by my ex so he blames him. He said it was about communication - mind, body and feelings?? - and that no matter what happened it would only be a beginning and something to build on? thanks R.

OP posts:

adaorarda · 06/07/2014 00:59

Please stop seeing him, he sounds highly manipulative bordering on exploitative. It sounds like you are not interested but feeling pressured -- that is a sign that you need to run far from this person

Isetan · 06/07/2014 01:54

He talks a good game doesn't he. Urgh, these predatory chancers' really do have their vulnerable women radar perfectly calibrated. Seriously OP, as messy and confusing as your life is right now, getting with this man will make it more so. I know it's hard to fathom the singleminded callousness of some men, especially since you're in the fog of a break up and this man appears to be genuine. However, his 'It's all about you' talk is the total opposite to what he means, maybe it's just me but I can think of million more supportive and liberating things then being poked by a penis.

It sounds like you putting out is an unspoken condition of this man's 'support'. Sleep with this man if you want to but the price of some escapist fun, could be a whole lot of drama that could take a long time to recover from.

Sgb's 'Suck my dick, it's for your own good' line is a succinct distillation of his patter.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/07/2014 08:14

For the love of God, OP, he is PLAYING you. Tell him on no account are you ready for that type of relationship, and if he cared for you at all, he would PISS OFF for awhile and stop pressuring you.

Better yet, tell your ex to get his stupid friend to leave you the fuck alone, as he is pressuring you to have sex with him and you're tired of it. He'll be far too busy dealing with your ex to bother you for awhile.

43percentburnt · 06/07/2014 08:24

Hmm, if he was truly supportive and a genuine guy he may say he has liked you for a while but you need to get yourself sorted and then see what happens. A genuine nice man would say no it's not the right time if you threw yourself at him, not talk about new experiences blah blah blah. Mind, body and bloody feelings...

You are vulnerable at this moment and he is taking advantage of the fact your mind is all over the place (typical when breaking up). You do not need this at present and a genuine normal man would not be trying to get you to have sex with him by spinning yarns about your well being and owing it to yourself to sleep with him.

OpiesOldLady · 06/07/2014 08:34

I can't help but wonder what your STBXH might think about his so called best friend making advances on you. I can't see it going down well.

OP, he is, for want of a better word, grooming you. He knows you are vulnerable right now, he knows you are finding it difficult with the children on your own and he is exploiting that. He's ingrained himself into your life and has managed to make you think that you need him, that you must rely on him.

He's using you.

I know things might be a bit befuddled, but please, step away from this man. Nothing good will come of it.

Beautifulmonster · 06/07/2014 08:40

God, how manupulative. You know he is only helping out for what he can get from you, don't you? He is not genuine but really creepy. Please see through him.

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