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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is it me?

71 replies

Modster2k · 03/07/2014 23:25

I don't know if i am making a mountain out of a molehill bit i would really like your feedback please. My dh is a very chilled out man, usually lovely. But whenever we have arow over something pointless he shuts up the walls then shouts me down, then storms off. I know yhat can be normal bloke behaviour and as much as it's frustrating then fine but..I am quite highly strung, always have been, always will be. I don't like going to bed on a row so probably go on too much once he has decided he doesn't want to listen to any mote. Anyhoo, last night we had a row about shelving: bare witb me - it turned into a proper argument, iwas being v argumental too but when went into bed he flinched, and i thought he was going to hit me. I asked him if that was he was going to do and said "i will if you don't shut up". I didn't know what to think but asked him if he could go to sleep in a different room as I didn't want to be near him after saying that. He refused so i slept in the front rom (that bit doesn't byw). My Ds dad was violent and he told me I drove him to it, and now my new h is saying that I made him get to that brink too. Dh also reckons that as my previous hurt me because i wouldn't shit up it's all mu own fault. Is he right? Because I thougbt he wasn't and now i am starting to doubt myself
Sorry for the typos, my screen is cracked (my own doing) and I can't always see the letters properly!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Modster2k · 03/07/2014 23:29

Seriously my typos are astounding - I can't blame it all on the cracked screen

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 03/07/2014 23:38

No he's not right and it wasn't your fault. Be careful...your partner is blaming you for past abuse and he's starting to act in a threatening way towards you. Be very careful. Personally I'd get the hell out of the relationship.

FolkGirl · 04/07/2014 05:29

It's not 'normal bloke behaviour' at all.

That's just a myth we're fed so that we accept it more readily.

McBear · 04/07/2014 05:45

My dad has just separated from a woman who was 'highly strung'. I personally think she was a pain in the arse. She was a nasty person at times and seemed to have no respect but when she was nice, she was great.

She goes from man to man and freely admits it is her behaviour that causes this but she will not change.

When she was younger her one and only serious bf used to drag her by the hair and beat her. She never once attempted to change her behaviour.

My dad, being a proper man would never resort to violence against her but but he said sometimes she was so infuriating that he wanted to run to a gym and use a pinch bag for ten hours to get this anger from him that she'd caused. He left her because he couldn't handle it. That's what a real man would do because there's never a need for violence.

I'm no victim blamer BUT there was no need for her behaviour. It was her. She didn't have to react. There were times I felt like strangling her and I met her like three times only. She lost jobs because of it, partners because of it. I don't see why the didn't find some way to address her issues and change her behaviour because it's literally ruining her life

McBear · 04/07/2014 05:49

I'm not saying that you or that you are to blame. I hope it doesn't come across that way.

Again, there's no need for him to use violent threats here. Violence is never ok or 'deserved'

tisrainingagain · 04/07/2014 06:00

Modster the fact that, as you put it, you "go on too much* does not in any way mean that somebody is justified in hitting you, or wanting to. Your h is totally out of order in telling you that you brought on your last partner's violence or that he felt like hitting you .

McBear am shocked by this: When she was younger her one and only serious bf used to drag her by the hair and beat her. She never once attempted to change her behaviour. Are you saying that being beaten was a signal that she was in the wrong ?

McBear · 04/07/2014 07:23

No the violence is not a signal she was wrong and again not acceptable/condoned in any way. This is not the behaviour of a normal person as it were. There are other ways he could have dealt with the situation.

That being said, I know how difficult she was. Regardless of the violence, keeping it as a completely separate issue, she has a very unpleasant personality. She has no need to be as nasty and volatile as she is. That should have been changed. She shouldn't act how she does/did. (This is obv only with my dad. I can't speak for the previous relationships)

McBear · 04/07/2014 07:34

Also to be clear, the man didn't beat her because of her. If he beats her, I'm sure he would beat any other woman for any other excuse.

INeedABiggerBoat · 04/07/2014 07:45

McBear if you genuinely didn't think your father's girlfriend deserved to be hit then your whole story is redundant.

OP be very careful. You didn't and do not deserve to be hit and the fact your partner thinks you did is appalling.

zzzzz · 04/07/2014 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildBillfemale · 04/07/2014 08:02

From Mcbears excellent original post

OP you mention you 'row over something pointless' why bother? you mention being highly strung and 'always will be' etc. You do sound like hard work tbh. Some people are incredibly annoying with their behaviour and cause intense frustration to their partners they don't see it themselves.
rowing about shelving? your husband made the comment that you don't know when to shut up, from your OP my first thought was god I bet she nags endlessly....
Maybe a little navel gazing is required here? don't argue about pointless stuff, know when to stop arguing - tackle being 'highly strung' (others call this emotionally unstable).

So to answer you q of course it's not your fault your ex was violent.
but labelling yourself as 'highly strung' isn't a get out of gaol free card when it comes to relationship problems/arguements. You need to check your behaviour.

McBear · 04/07/2014 08:17

I need, I've been thinking about my post since I wrote it. I whole heatedly do not agree with victim blaming but you can't say the victim is always blameless. She certainly deserved to be told to shut the fuck up but no one deserves assault. I do think her personality bought out the worst in people. My dad says at one point during an argument he literally curled himself up and begged her to leave him alone. That's a better reaction than violence but it's still unfair to put someone in that position.

Wild bill, I don't know if that's sarcastic I don't think I've expressed myself all that well and I've never been told I've made an excellent post b

Agree that op can't use highly string as an excuse. Don't we all try and change our flaws?

Squidstirfry · 04/07/2014 08:18

"I will hit you if you don't shut up"

Unforgivable. Don't allow yourself to be with someone like this.

INeedABiggerBoat · 04/07/2014 08:25

McBear if your father found things that difficult he should have left sooner- he was clearly a victim in that relationship, just as his ex was a victim in her previous relationship. Nor do I think that anyone deserves to be told to shut the fuck up. If the OP's H finds her so difficult to live with he should leave her, not threaten violence.

I think there are two entirely separate issues here that people are conflating. OP perhaps you do need to examine your behaviour, but personally I would do so away from people who tell you that you deserve to be hit.

McBear · 04/07/2014 08:29

What squid said!

I don't think shut the fuck up is threatening violence?

WildBillfemale · 04/07/2014 08:34

Wild bill, I don't know if that's sarcastic confused I don't think I've expressed myself all that well and I've never been told I've made an excellent post

No it's not sarcastic, I thought your post was spot on, I knew you would get misconstrued too as you have been to a degree by some........

I wouldn't hurt a fly in real life but sometimes I have dealt with people so utterly infuriating that I am full of anger, my outlet is my cracking volleyball serve. Your dads comments re gym punch bag as an outlet for anger are very understandable.

wafflyversatile · 04/07/2014 08:35

OP, don't stay with a man who is threatening you with violence. Do get some counselling for you.

Original poster

Modster2k · 04/07/2014 08:59

Hi thanks for the comments. It was late when i wrote my post so went to bed not long after. I will post again when I can use a computer instead of my phone. Think I need to explain myself more. I am definitely not mentally unstable. I think some people too the highly strung bit too literally tbh but in all fairness my post didn't come across that well

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2014 09:05

It was an unacceptable thing for someone to say to someone they are supposed to love, as is the opinion that you were in any way to blame for previous abusive treatment. I'm appalled by some of the arguments up thread. If someone is a PITA, argumentative, goading or whatever you walk away from them and/or end the relationship because you are incompatible. You don't threaten them with violence or fling verbal abuse in order to bring them to heel like some animal

INeedABiggerBoat · 04/07/2014 09:07

What Cogito said, so much more eloquently than I tried to put it.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 04/07/2014 09:16

What weird responses. I hope you can get this arse out of your life op - and don't even think twice about violence or the threat of it being in any way your fault.
As adults, we all choose how we react to stressors, and if your bf's choice involves even thinking about violence, he's not someone you want to be around.

Original poster

Modster2k · 04/07/2014 09:24

Oops sorry, i meant 'emotionally not 'mentally unstable, sorry. We don't row all the time so I am and h does not find me difficult to live with. It's just that when we do row (as people do) it isn't always me that starts it and it is impossible to try and sort things out with him as he just shuts down, closes his eyes or gets out his phone and starts playing on that. It is incredibly frustrating as things can't sorted and yes, that winds me up. I honestly was not using 'highly strung' as a defence, I put it on my post to kind of highlight that it wasn't all his fault. My parents have always called me that so I have just assumed I am, but I am certainly nothing like McBears Dad's ex so please don't confuse my op post with that.
After h said I was shocked and i'm still not sure if he would do it but it doesn't seem right to me.
I spoke to him last night and he can't seem to see that . It was uncalled for to say that to me, maybe he is right I don't know. I think that we are at two different ends of the spectrum when we argue - he refuses to discuss anything and i want to sort it out so it's finished and we can move on.
Thanks again for the comments, they have given me food for thought even if some were a little harsh

OP posts:

Original poster

Modster2k · 04/07/2014 09:33

zzzzzz I'm not sure where you got needing to dominate your husband into making up to your schedule" as I definitely don't do that honest!

OP posts:

TheHoneyBadger · 04/07/2014 09:34

the argument issue could be resolvable - re: people do have different needs in conflict, some flee, some want to sort etc and there are ways to resolve those conflicting needs eg. agreeing to give each other half an hours space and then talk.

BUT the threatening to hit you and seeing nothing wrong with that even after a night's sleep is not resolvable imo. especially when he knows you've been in an abusive relationship before. also telling you you deserved previous abuse is abusive in itself.

i think it's likely you've picked another cruel man but are grateful because he's not as bad as the first? it still isn't good enough.

TheHoneyBadger · 04/07/2014 09:35

modster i think they meant as in if one person wants to get away from a conflict and the other is determined to sort it out there and then that is how it could feel to the person trying to get away itms.

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