is it me?

[Modster2k]

I don't know if i am making a mountain out of a molehill bit i would really like your feedback please. My dh is a very chilled out man, usually lovely. But whenever we have arow over something pointless he shuts up the walls then shouts me down, then storms off. I know yhat can be normal bloke behaviour and as much as it's frustrating then fine but..I am quite highly strung, always have been, always will be. I don't like going to bed on a row so probably go on too much once he has decided he doesn't want to listen to any mote. Anyhoo, last night we had a row about shelving: bare witb me - it turned into a proper argument, iwas being v argumental too but when went into bed he flinched, and i thought he was going to hit me. I asked him if that was he was going to do and said "i will if you don't shut up". I didn't know what to think but asked him if he could go to sleep in a different room as I didn't want to be near him after saying that. He refused so i slept in the front rom (that bit doesn't byw). My Ds dad was violent and he told me I drove him to it, and now my new h is saying that I made him get to that brink too. Dh also reckons that as my previous hurt me because i wouldn't shit up it's all mu own fault. Is he right? Because I thougbt he wasn't and now i am starting to doubt myself
Sorry for the typos, my screen is cracked (my own doing) and I can't always see the letters properly!!

the thing is 'a disagreement' IS normal day to day life. people disagree. people have differences of opinion. that IS normal life. don't see it as some aside random doesn't count element. it's a core part of what a relationship is and how someone is re: dealing with disagreement.

No. I am asking him to apologise for threatening to hit me if I didn't shut up lovingfreedom

OK...all I'm saying is that if he believes he (and your ex come to that) was justified in threatening to hit you because you provoked him then that is a belief that could take some unseating. I feel that apologies can be over-rated. I used to forgive everything but now I only really forgive things like misunderstandings or oversights...use or threat of violence is simply unacceptable for me and a deal breaker...but I do understand that different people see these things differently and have differing boundaries and acceptability in their relationships.

I'm not sure if you have read the whole thread but I may be wrong, apologies if that is the case. He believes I am to blame but he will literally completely shut down (ignore, close his eyes, use his phone) from the very beginning of anything that he decides he doesn't want to listen to, even if it's because he has acted in the wrong. If he entered into a discussion and then I just kicked off after he had said his POV and then I didn't shut up then, yes, I agree that it would wind him up. But to shut-up-shop without any compromise is hard work too.

"ignore, close his eyes, use his phone" - this sounds like teenage behaviour!! Or like a 5 year old sticking their fingers in their ears and going "I can't hear you."
If he is genuinely sorry and apologizes for his abusive comments, then it seems you need counseling to help you figure out a way for both of you to handle arguments in a more adult way.

But zzzzz he doesn't even try to talk even when it's his fault. Surely that is him controlling the situation his way too?

I have read the whole thread. Are you saying that your DH is unwilling to discuss issues and disagreements with you and that believes resorting to violence can be justifiable to shut you up?

Yes, he won't discuss anything if there is a disagreement (either fault). He truly just cuts me off. I then, do try to talk about it but he will not respond in any way, which makes me frustrated so I try again, the other night he decided enough was enough and then what happened in the OP occurred. Doitforme is right in that I need to walk away and wait for him to approach me and I will do that if it happens again but I wish he could try to talk to me too. It was the first time he has ever said anything like that to me, which is why it shocked me into my first post.

hmm or maybe someone just doesn't feel right or safe getting into bed with someone who has shown their true, abusive/controlling/not sure what the diff is, colours. maybe even the best behaved tolerator of abuse can't switch it off quickly enough to feel comfortable climbing into bed and relaxing enough to fall asleep next to the person who has just rocked their fundamental sense of safety, being a worthy human being, etc a short while later.

just thoughts eh?

if i try to imagine climbing into bed and dozing off next to someone who has just treated me like dirt or an invisible nothing i struggle to imagine feeling snoozy and drifting off. don't know about anyone else but yeah, i can see that being less than comfortable.

he is violent. you are in trouble. he is telling you that very, very clearly. i understand you aren't ready to face that, but it is the truth, plain as day.

it will escalate, and you will regret giving him permission to continue on this path (by allowing him to just say sorry and remain in your life).

it sounds like he has a great deal of contempt for you.

even without the violence, you two sound deeply incompatible. it's all very well and good to get on when things are going fine, but if you can't argue constructively, you're fucked. my dh was a little bit like yours once, but that was when he was 22. he is now in his thirties and long ago learned to argue respectfully with me, and balance my need to talk with his need to think quietly.

i think you might want to look into counselling for yourself. have you every done the freedom programme?

the whole shelves conversation was all a bit silly on both sides tbh. wouldn't have believed that it would have led to all of that afterwards.

Can I ask OP, when you got into bed and he flinched, do you really honestly think and know that he was about to hit you? You then said you asked him if he was about to hit you and he said that he will if you don't shut up. Was he joking (in a very bad way) or do you really think he meant it. You said you were being just as argumentative as him. You wanted to resolve things and he wasn't ready. Were you going on at him to try and resolve things?

How old is he and how long have you been together by the way?
He is being labelled a monster here , is he? Only you really know.

clearly the shelves are a red herring. it's who he 'is' rather than events that are the issue here.

the reality is a non abuser non i-get-glee-from-causing-pain person would never threaten or accuse what was said or accused no matter how drunk, pissed off, etc they were. IF however by some weird one in a million scenario, such as, i took malaria tablets and they made me crazeeeeeeee and out of control and turned me into a person who did something so vastly out of character then i would be huddled in a mortified oh my god what the hell came over me i am so, so, so, so sorry heap around now.

however the OPs partner is seeing this as no big deal, hush brush it under and just suck it up kind of deal. that's a worry.

We've been 'talking' tonight. Not sure how much better we are but there is progress. As hard as some of the initial comments were, and then the supportive were equally as helpful, the different opinions really made me properly think.i'm still not sure where I am with h because he is still burying his head but tonight I am going to sign off because I've been thinking about this all day and I think I should call it a day and go to bed

Doitforme just seen your last post, no he isn't a monster at all, I put in my op that he is a pretty laid back, nice bloke. To answer your other questions: we have been together for 3 1/2years, known each other for 9. I did believe his threat, which is what made me write that last night.

He's 45 doitforme

OP, listen to these women that are saying what he really is.

He is telling you who he is. Please listen.