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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I go on????

60 replies

bella1968 · 02/07/2014 14:35

I've posted here before so some may know who I am, but things have happened now and I feel just as bad as before.

My husband (from what everyone says when I explain his behaviour) verbally, emotionally abused me and the children since end of last year. Now my son's made a comment at school about me slapping him so it was referred to social services. I was asked to come in the following day and then reported to them what had been going on and they confirmed that this was domestic abuse. My report was forwarded to social services so the police called me and I went in. Made a statement, husband was going to be arrested but I went to court for a non-molestation/occupation order which I got without notice so went for the softly softly and he was asked to go in of his own volition which he did with a solicitor and denied pushing me twice, so the police aren't going to take any further action.

We have had out meeting at court whereby the judge (a different and more senior one) removed the occupation and made us both take an undertaking/promise to the court to behave. Now that my husband can come home he is not and has not advised me if he's going to or when he's going to. I have a week to put in another statement and he has until 31 July then we will have a court hearing which might take half to one day.

Because the order was taken away I have had to let him see our children, they are fine no worries as he has the undertaking in place so we both have to behave. He hasn't put any money in the bank account and we are about to go overdrawn. I still love him (didn't realise until now how much), I still find him attractive but not in love with him and I care alot. Now that we have been separated for nearly 3 weeks it has given me time to think about things which I wanted in the first place but am sorry I've had to go to such great lengths to get it. I'm now worried he doesn't want to have anything to do with me again although on Sunday he complemented me for the good job I'd done on the garden and said well done, he also told the children to be good for their mom which I took to be really considerate of me.

I feel heartbroken, totally spaced out, day of crying yesterday so I had to have the afternoon off, I miss him, I want us to work but am frightened that I can't forgive the names he's called us and I know it's only because he was out of work for 7 months and he's really a broken man but he's my man or at least I think he still is. I guess it's the not knowing.

sorry for the long message I just want things to get better.
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
adaorarda · 02/07/2014 14:44

He abuses your children. There is no coming back from that.

It's not "because he has been out of work". That is ridiculous. My DH was once out of work for over a year, when we had a newborn no less, and he never so much as raised his voice to me.

This has gotten to the point where social services are involved. Please just think this through.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to grow up and do the right thing for the children, if not for yourself. If you invite an abuser back into their home, you are doing WRONG by them. And if something goes wrong again and he abuses them again, or they witness him abusing you, you could be on the road to losing your children because SS will realise you aren't able to protect them adequately.

Please phone Women's Aid and ask them about the Freedom Programme. You need to break away from this person, not start making excuses for his behaviour.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2014 14:51

Do not ever get back this man.
You have had it confirmed by SS that this is domestic abuse.
And you know it was also domestic violence!
He abuses you and your children and you are minimising and making excuses for him.
You DO know! It really is as simple as just not letting him back into your home.
If SS know you are actively trying to get back with an abuser there will be a whole world of trouble for you.
Don't put your DC back into this situation. It's not fair on them.
You did the right thing with reporting it and getting orders in place.
Stand by your convictions. And stand by your CHILDREN not this abusive arse!
They do NOT change!

Original poster
bella1968 · 02/07/2014 14:52

when I say abuses them he has called my son you f little sht a few times and shouts at them until my son shakes and cries. Having said that we are a loud family and the children are quite head strong and do need a firm bringing up. Is it really abuse?? the judge didn't seem to be too bothered and said we had to find a way to be civil to one another?!

OP posts:
Original poster
bella1968 · 02/07/2014 14:54

I'm really scared that he will now slag me off in our court hearing which won't be until after end of this month and make me out to be a bad mother and the judge will now take the children away from me.

What are my options if I don't get back with him that is if he wants to?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 02/07/2014 14:56

What you are experiencing is quite common. You are now minimising his abuse out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being wrong, fear of etting everyone down, fear of the unknown.

It is a normal response to the abusive situation you have been in. It is what abusers rely on to reel you back in. And reel you back in is what he is trying to do. With the little indirect compliments, promises of good behaviour etc.

Take a step back and a big, deep breath and in your mind, go back to the very worst moment in your marriage. This is why you left. Hold on to that.

I don't want to alarm you OP but there is something that you need to consider very carefully. Through my work, I have known social services to take children into care because the mother continues an abusive relationship and this is deemed to be an unacceptable risk to the children's emotional and physical well being.

Hold firm.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 14:57

The idea of this prick swearing at your son until he shakes and cries while you passively look on whining about how you luuuurve him makes me feel physically sick.

if you carry on in this vein the decision may be made that your children are better looked after away from both of you. Is this man worth that ?

mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 14:57

Why on earth would you stay with him if he talks to your dc this way? He leaves them shaking and crying??????
Good god, I swear I'd not breath the same as air as anyone doing this to my dc.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 02/07/2014 14:59

Shock Are you mad?

This man verbally and emotionally crucifies your poor little boy. How on earth can you question whether this bully calling him such a foul name and making him cry and shake, is NOT abuse?

Wake up.

If you allow this man back into your life, you are indeed, as pp said, setting yourself for a TON of trouble from social services. Their duty is to protect the child, which you seem not to be doing.

adaorarda · 02/07/2014 14:59

shouts at them until my son shakes and cries... Is it really abuse??

are you for real? please read this again. Really actually think about what you are saying. these are your CHILDREN.

You think it's OK for a father to reduce his children into terrified, shivering wrecks, to call them names? Really? that's OK with you? you would actively choose to expose them to more of that?

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 15:01

X post.

Yes, his behaviour to your son is abusive - emotionally abusive without doubt.

If you allow this to continue then you are failing to protect your dc from emotional abuse. Knowingly failing because you know in your heart that it is wrong.

The school and social services know that there are issue in your family. Your dc are probably being monitored very closely at school (as they should be).

Get some help for yourself. Talk to your GP about referring you for counselling. C

adaorarda · 02/07/2014 15:02

seriously OP if you honestly believe that this kind of family life is OK, I'm sorry but SS needs to step in and remove those children from both of you. this exact scenario is why protective services exist for children. sick sick sick.

Quitelikely · 02/07/2014 15:04

Can you please ask your social worker if it is ok for your dh to speak to the children in that way. Just explain the above. I'm sure she will have some useful advice for you.

AnyoneForTennis · 02/07/2014 15:06

Gosh this is shocking! How old is your son? Is your DH his father?

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 15:06

OP now I have got over my shock at how you have allowed your children to be subjected to verbal abuse, I am wondering why you feel you need to pacify him

are you frightened that he will be believed over you in a family court if you not appease him?

that isn't going to happen

you are not going to lose your children to him but you risk losing them to strangers if you stay with him. Do you see the distinction ?

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 15:07

if you do not appease him

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 15:12

Bella. If you are the poster I think you are (calendar?) then you have been posting about your husband and his behaviour for some time. And it has not got better, it's got worse.

The difference now is that the genie is out of the bottle. School know. Social services know. The courts know. This will not go away.

You have to put your children first and you have to be seem to be putting your dc above your husband. If not, you will soon be attending a child protection conference, and I'm sorry to say, rightly so.

Original poster
bella1968 · 02/07/2014 15:14

son is 10 1/2 and yes he's his father but husband is very depressed right now, I wind him up and don't support love and care for him he said.

I know he's cross with me taking him to court. I'm sure his whole family are!

I just don't know what to do, surely it's ok because the judge has allowed him to come back so she mustn't think there's anything wrong?

We have to see each other tomorrow at school as my son has finished his 'therapy through play' and we have an update meeting then he's coming to the school BBQ on Friday night. Nothings changed really apart from the undertaking/promise to the court that we will be civil to one another and the children.

I must have blown it out of all proportion, the message I'm getting with these people is that he hasn't beaten me so I should just deal with it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
bella1968 · 02/07/2014 15:19

yes finola it's me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 15:19

all these professionals don't "think all is ok" at all or they wouldn't be involved with your family in the first place and your child wouldn't require therapy in the first place if everything was ok would he ?

OP, your son is going to end up just like his father if he stays in the is same environment

is that ok ?

mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 15:20

Who gives a fuck if he's cross with you for going to court????

Seriously, I'm having a hard time comprehending this. How can you want to attend a BBQ with a man who reduces your dc to tears?? I don't get it. Honestly, I'm baffled. Stand up for your son, if not for you...for your son and separate from this wanker.

It's not because he's stressed, or depressed or any other reason. He's a wanker. An abusive wanker.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2014 15:20

If a stranger in the street did this to your son, would you stand back and let it happen?
Of course not.
Anything that is unacceptable from a stranger is unacceptable full stop!
You say MY son, does that mean he is not the bio dad?

Please contact Womens Aid and talk through the abuse he has put you through because what you have disclosed here, I'm sure, is only the tip of the iceburg.
For you to be hoping he wants you back when he has abused your children really does show that 'he's done a number on you'.
You need to do the Freedom Programme which is run by Womens Aid.
Please call them and hopefully they can help you see how awful this vile twat is!

AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 15:21

would it be possible to link to previous thread(s)

for my own sanity, I'd like to know if I am completely wasting my time here

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 15:23

Why is your son doing "therapy through play"?

The reason I ask? In a professional capacity, I have had some contact with play therapists. They are a wonderful but very in demand resource. The children who get this therapy are by in large the most in need. Children who are asylum seekers who have experienced severe trauma as a result of war, children who have experienced the death of a parent, abuse survivors, children who are young carers for their parents.

Does this therapy in itself not tell you how concerned the professionals around your dc are about their welfare and welfare?

Finola1step · 02/07/2014 15:24

Yes, AF I suspect the message is not getting through.

teaandthorazine · 02/07/2014 15:25

Your husband is making excuses for his horrible abusive behaviour. My son is the same age as yours and if anyone ever swore and shouted at him in that way, made him shake and cry... Well tbh the thought of it alone makes me feel sick. I wonder what you have been through in your life that you can minimise this vile behaviour as 'being a loud family'?

This has nothing to do with him being out of work. He is an abusive bully. You need to wake up, and fast. Your relationship. I worry for your kids, as your posts are all about how you still love this man and Hiw you're still searching for approval from him. It's fucked up OP, and it needs to be over.

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