How can I go on????

[bella1968]

I've posted here before so some may know who I am, but things have happened now and I feel just as bad as before.

My husband (from what everyone says when I explain his behaviour) verbally, emotionally abused me and the children since end of last year. Now my son's made a comment at school about me slapping him so it was referred to social services. I was asked to come in the following day and then reported to them what had been going on and they confirmed that this was domestic abuse. My report was forwarded to social services so the police called me and I went in. Made a statement, husband was going to be arrested but I went to court for a non-molestation/occupation order which I got without notice so went for the softly softly and he was asked to go in of his own volition which he did with a solicitor and denied pushing me twice, so the police aren't going to take any further action.

We have had out meeting at court whereby the judge (a different and more senior one) removed the occupation and made us both take an undertaking/promise to the court to behave. Now that my husband can come home he is not and has not advised me if he's going to or when he's going to. I have a week to put in another statement and he has until 31 July then we will have a court hearing which might take half to one day.

Because the order was taken away I have had to let him see our children, they are fine no worries as he has the undertaking in place so we both have to behave. He hasn't put any money in the bank account and we are about to go overdrawn. I still love him (didn't realise until now how much), I still find him attractive but not in love with him and I care alot. Now that we have been separated for nearly 3 weeks it has given me time to think about things which I wanted in the first place but am sorry I've had to go to such great lengths to get it. I'm now worried he doesn't want to have anything to do with me again although on Sunday he complemented me for the good job I'd done on the garden and said well done, he also told the children to be good for their mom which I took to be really considerate of me.

I feel heartbroken, totally spaced out, day of crying yesterday so I had to have the afternoon off, I miss him, I want us to work but am frightened that I can't forgive the names he's called us and I know it's only because he was out of work for 7 months and he's really a broken man but he's my man or at least I think he still is. I guess it's the not knowing.

sorry for the long message I just want things to get better.
Thanks for listening.

I wind him up and don't support love and care for him he said
You shouldn't give a flying fig what he says.
Everything he says is to ensure he keeps controlling you.
I would imagine most things that come out of his mouth are lies and bullshit. That what these men do.
If you've posted about him before then you know this is not right and it is not OK.
Stay away from him.
Tell the courts, when you go, exactly what he is like.
He can deny it but you need to make sure you get your side across in as much detail as possible.
And I'll say it again - WOMENS AID! FAST!!!

if you think this is blown out of proportion, please tell your social worker what you have told us about how your H abuses your son, and then ask the SW what the right thing is for you to do. if you are confused, ask for clarification.

if you want my opinion:

your H verbally abuses your children to the point that they show signs of physical terror.

your child is in therapy, I assume mandated by SS. this is a scarce resource. your child must be deeply disturbed and traumatised already. you apparently are ok with this and would like it to continue.

you have to be told by a JUDGE that you need to behave civilly towards each other. A JUDGE. An officer of the court has had to step in to remind you both not to commit crimes against each other and, by extension, your children. I mean... Jesus wept. Do you not see how serious that is.

SS is involved already. School is involved already. They are on alert.

This picture? Is a very bad picture. You are in deep shit and need to start being a parent to your children. Do you think all these people are involved in your life for fun? No, they are watching you carefully because they suspect, possibly rightly, that you are an incompetent parent. They will take your children from you if you carry on like this OP.

Sorry for crap posts am on phone.

I know to you all I must sound absolutely crazy, I don't know what to say.

anyfucker I don't know how to link but if you look on my name to my threads you will be able to see the history.

I was indeed desperate which is why I did what I did and also Social Services had the report against me because I slapped sons face although he bent his head and it hit him on the head. No it didn't hurt or leave a mark but along with this and another time I got really angry with my husband and the children saw this, I don't want to ever get this angry again, I finally snapped under the pressure, the anti depressants didn't work that day. I had to stop it all and the court on the back of what our son said had to happen I truly believe that I did the right thing at the time. I was totally astonished that after all his behaviour the report to social services was about me slapping him when I'd not done that before!! he remembered this because of that and was obviously shocked, whereas people have said that his father's behaviour had become the norm so he'd not said anything. I'm glad what I said to the school after they had reported it had been taken into consideration and now social services are aware of the true bigger picture which led to that, it doesn't excuse my behaviour and I spent the large part of 2 hours at the school crying about the whole situation.

We haven't been contacted by the social services as yet, I had to speak to her whilst at court and she said she would call for an appointment to set the ball rolling.

Thing is I need some money, we are about to go overdrawn and with that and how I will manage and also the fear of losing the children and the house I'm thinking maybe we should just reconcile because I don't know what will happen I'm so scared, I don't feel like I can cope.

I did a brave thing going to court on my own the first time, then when I had counsel when I went with my husband it got totally messed up and the judge said my husband shouldn't have been removed from his house and it shouldn't have been done without notice, I had not met the conditions for that and therefore he was allowed to return. I think he's been very wise to have not returned so far and I guess it's good that he's not as things are too raw and it's too early anyway I know that.

Sunday was a nightmare for me, he took them to a family BBQ with his mother that was over to support him in court (she doesn't like me anyway but wouldn't face how her son was behaving although I'd asked for their help!) he brought them back and spoke to me to ask what other events/meetings the children had. I fully expect him to attend them all so I have to see him and deal with him calling to speak to the children and then not speaking to me! how do I do that?!?

Finola the therapy through play has been organised through their school because he's already seen by the SENCO team, he's currently being reviewed for a ASD diagnosis.

adaorarda I realise how serious this is.

My husband kind of did too which is I guess why he said "you need to say what you need to say to the police to get her nosey face out of our business".

Apart from the recent behaviour from September 2013 he's been a really good Dad and although he hasn't come up to my expectations which are probably too high then he hasn't always been there for me. He is however very clever, very loving, very generous. I liked him from the start because he appeared stong minded and someone that I couldn't ride roughshod over, the very thing that I'm fighting him for now

all the judge is saying then is that proper notice was not given, that procedures weren't followed. so the judge unfortunately had a responsibility to overturn that order, not because you're all behaving wonderfully and it's all ok! but because the paper pushers got something wrong.

you NEED to talk to women's aid. they can help you sort out everything you need to do about the overdraft, house, etc. they've done this before. they know how you're feeling.

it's not the right decision to go back to your H when there are resources available to you to get on without him. he is not a good person and is damaging your children, please for the love of God, call WA and get proper help.

freephone 0808 2000 247

there ^ all you need to do is call that number and things will start to feel better.

you need to say what you need to say to the police to get her nosey face out of our business

read this again. OP you can't carry on with this person.

the police are there to protect you. the courts exist to protect you. DO NOT thumb your nose at the police and the courts. your children WILL be removed, eventually, if you take this advice.

do not isolate yourself from the only safeguards your children have.

Simple. Get away from this man and get yourself on a parenting c ourse. I think your own stress and the behaviour of your son will imptove without this man in your life.

Any man who is prepared to let his children starve to spite their mother is most emphatically not a good dad.

Bella in your thread title you ask "How can I go on?"

Lots of posters have spent time answering your question and giving advice. Not one has said anything on the lines of give him one last chance, stick together for the children etc etc. You have had a unanimous don't take him back, he's abusive, you risk losing your children. I can appreciate that this is not what you want to hear. But it is the cold, hard truth.

Take some time to think through what others have advised. Keep posting but do so in the knowledge that the general advice is not going to change.

slug thanks for your comment. I'm not sure what the position is at the moment. He's only been in his new job nearly a month but I think he must have had a pro-ratad figure/salary already it makes sense, this is why I don't know why he hasn't put money in. He knows my salary doesn't cover all the expenses, maybe he's consumed with hatred for me at th emoment and it's blinding him to reality??

adaorarda I know when I heard him say that I thought what!! I'm assuming that he's just carrying on with the "we'll sort this out behind closed doors ourselves" scenario.

He's a private person so will hate that I've done this.

Oh and I must let you know that I am getting help, I have been communicating with DVA services since early this year, my support worker came to court with me. Some of the services are not interested in me because I/the children haven't been bashed around.

The problem I now have is that we haven't got enough money, he now collects and takes the kids out, we shall have to see each other for childrens meetings for school and their new secondary school it's all very difficult to deal with. Meanwhile my job is being affected, I'm not being very good at it because I can't give it my full attention, they are being very understanding but there's only so far they will go I know.

How do I ask him to put money into the joint account??

I have now arranged a counselling session through work so hopefully this Friday I can start to feel a bit better. The session is before the school BBQ so hopefully he can help me deal with it.

Get onto CAB and find out what benefits, housing, tax credits etc. you are entitled to now that he is not with you.

Is your house owned or rented?
Who's names are on the deeds/paperwork?

He should be paying maintenance.
Send him an email outlining what you want per month from him
There is a calculator on line you can use to get an idea of what you could get from him.
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Tell him if he doesn't respond and he won't contribute then you will go to the CSA (it's called something else now so look into that as well).

I'm thinking maybe we should just reconcile
Stop thinking like this - you CANNOT reconcile with an abuser who takes pleasure in controlling you and making your children shake and cry.
Start to do pro-active things to help you to move on and not think about it.

It's going to be very hard. It's easier to go back to what is your 'norm'.
But that is not what you should be doing to your children or to youself.

thanks Finola I appreciate your words, I wish it was not happening to me, I have to keep justifying it to myself and trying not to blame myself, I know he does and this is probably the last straw for him with our relationship. Yes I know I keep saying what he must be thinking and not facing up to what I'm thinking, my actions so far have been out of sheer desperation/being backed up against a wall, now he's back in the picture it's harder than when he couldn't come around.

I take all your warnings about me looking bad if I take him back for the children's sake very seriously and will give it lots of thought. Thanks.

bella, I've just read through some of your previous threads. You need to know that there will always be people here to listen and offer advice, but I have to say I'm concerned that all of this has been said to you many times before and it does seem to be falling on deaf ears.

This man is appallingly abusive to you and your kids. Verbally, emotionally and, towards you, sexually (the calendar). Your son is in therapy, your daughter has made cries for help at school and has actually asked you to leave him. You say yourself that your relationship has always been 'rocky'; you say you knew this when you married him. What are you hoping for, exactly?

You say in your OP that 'I miss him, I want us to work'. I tell you categorically that this relationship will NEVER 'work'. It is utterly dysfunctional and it is having a terrible effect on your children. ada is right when she says that the only reason the judge has closed the case is because, procedurally, something got fucked up which meant it couldn't continue. NOT that the judge thinks it's all fine and dandy.

It is so worrying that your reaction to this is all about him and trying to appeal to him. You worry how you will cope with him not speaking to you? You call him clever, loving and generous? You are worried that he may not want to come back? You still call him 'my man'? It is so wrong, OP.

Your kids are crying out for this relationship with this man to end. Please contact women's aid and get some advice on finally finishing this. They can help you with the financial stuff. But I'm quite sure that if you allow all this to limp on any longer, then you will be facing the possibility that SS will decide your kids are better off without either of you.

Go to CAB. there is help for you. Get the benefits you are entitled to. ask CAB how you can arrange money from your ex. talk to a solicitor. talk to the DV team. you are involved with them for a reason. use the support that is offered to you.

taking him back because you are going to go overdrawn is fucking madness. please try to remember that you have actual, real human beings involved here -- your children. yes, you want "your man", but you are not the important one here, your children are. you need to put your feelings aside and do the right thing once and for all.

Was yours the calendar thread???

Please, please GET AWAY from this man!!!!!!!! You cannot be serious about reconciling?!

:(

You said in your OP that SS were called because "my son made a comment about me slapping him".

Please explain this?

Your children are scared of this man, as their mother it's your job to change this.

vseth my son was acting like his dad digging and making snide remarks to me and I felt at the time I needed to stop him and make him realise this is too far and not acceptable behaviour there's really no excuse I should have known better but this was a wake up cal to me as to how I had changed due to my husband's behaviour.I vowed then and there that I must put a stop to it also as my son was quite clearly thinking it was the correct behaviour as his dad was doing it.first and last time I'll ever slap him again

mammadiggindeep yes it was.

Fucked up. All of it. You punished your son by hitting him for acting just like his father and yet you want to keep him there a role model.

Your son will grow up just like him. It's already started.

Oh and interestingly enough he took the calendar with him!!

On the calendar thread you sounded like you still had your head halfway screwed on.

This man is going to destroy you all and it's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

anyfucker some people aren't as strong as you or willing to face something they don't want to face.

You need to wake up, and quickly, before the situation is taken out of your control entirely.