How can I go on????

[bella1968]

I've posted here before so some may know who I am, but things have happened now and I feel just as bad as before.

My husband (from what everyone says when I explain his behaviour) verbally, emotionally abused me and the children since end of last year. Now my son's made a comment at school about me slapping him so it was referred to social services. I was asked to come in the following day and then reported to them what had been going on and they confirmed that this was domestic abuse. My report was forwarded to social services so the police called me and I went in. Made a statement, husband was going to be arrested but I went to court for a non-molestation/occupation order which I got without notice so went for the softly softly and he was asked to go in of his own volition which he did with a solicitor and denied pushing me twice, so the police aren't going to take any further action.

We have had out meeting at court whereby the judge (a different and more senior one) removed the occupation and made us both take an undertaking/promise to the court to behave. Now that my husband can come home he is not and has not advised me if he's going to or when he's going to. I have a week to put in another statement and he has until 31 July then we will have a court hearing which might take half to one day.

Because the order was taken away I have had to let him see our children, they are fine no worries as he has the undertaking in place so we both have to behave. He hasn't put any money in the bank account and we are about to go overdrawn. I still love him (didn't realise until now how much), I still find him attractive but not in love with him and I care alot. Now that we have been separated for nearly 3 weeks it has given me time to think about things which I wanted in the first place but am sorry I've had to go to such great lengths to get it. I'm now worried he doesn't want to have anything to do with me again although on Sunday he complemented me for the good job I'd done on the garden and said well done, he also told the children to be good for their mom which I took to be really considerate of me.

I feel heartbroken, totally spaced out, day of crying yesterday so I had to have the afternoon off, I miss him, I want us to work but am frightened that I can't forgive the names he's called us and I know it's only because he was out of work for 7 months and he's really a broken man but he's my man or at least I think he still is. I guess it's the not knowing.

sorry for the long message I just want things to get better.
Thanks for listening.

Bella

You need to listen to these wise people.

My exP (not my 2 DS dad - thank goodness) was emotionally abusive to my 2 boys, his own DD's (and me a few times). We were together nearly 6 years, mostly good but over the past 18 months as his own daughters began to want to lead their own lives he became more & more negative, aggressive and nasty - particulary towards my DS.

He has always had an angry, controlling bullying side and it had got progressively worse over time.

I ended the relationship last December. It was hard because as a couple we were ok but I just couldn't stand it any longer - I had to put my kids first. He wasn't a good role model!

Please find the strength to end your marriage and put your children first!

bella, no one would suggest its easy. You're in a shitty situation and you have been for years. It's tough to get out of it. But you have a choice - your kids don't. You are the adult, you need to act like it.

You HAVE to face the reality of this. This man is highly abusive, SS are involved and you are still considering going back to him. You cannot sweep it under the carpet any more. SS will take a very, very dim view of a woman who cannot/will not end a dysfunctional, abusive relationship which is having a clear negative impact on the kids. It may not be fair, but that's how it is.

You will get a ton of support here, you know that, but people will also tell you what they really think, not pussyfoot around.

ok so you slap your son for acting like your husband.

but you will make every excuse you can to ensure that the same husband is free to act in that very way. and to ensure that the husband has access to this child again. where the husband will continue to teach the child to act like this.

so are you just going to keep slapping your son, i suppose? that's the coping mechanism? rather than removing the child from the influence that is actually causing the behaviour?

please tell your social worker that this is what you have chosen for your children and see how they react to that.

my mother was good at weeping and wailing about how it's hard to make the right decision and she just doesn't want to split up and how will she go on. let me tell you OP, your children won't thank you for any of this. they will just grow up knowing that mummy didn't care about how they suffered.

As AF says - you punished your ds for acting like your DP. Yet you still want your Dp around.

I have just read, on the 'calendar' thread you mentioned, about your daughter's 'worries' she put in the school worry box. She sounded very frightened.

Your son is being bullied and intimidated and frightened by his father and has now been slapped by his mother. He must feel very let down by the people who are supposed to be caring for him and protecting him from harm.

Do you believe that you are putting your children's welfare at the top of your priority list?

What do you believe would truly be best for them?

Have you been back and re-looked at your other threads? That might be useful.

No one has said what you need to do is easy. Lots if us have been in very tough situations and have had to dig very deep to do the right thing.

Read half this before I realised you're the poster with the calendar. I can't believe you're still considering a reconciliation with such an abusive arsehole. You must leave him, if not for you then for your children. This is terrible.

Hi.so just met him today at school for a mtg to do with son.he's managed to let them know he's been forced out of his house, I can't discipline our children, and since he's been allowed to see the children he's surmised from what they've said that their upbringing/discipline is sliding and he's very worried about them!!!!

He told me after why don't I just file the divorce papers, I said I don't want to and he said then I knew what to do to reconcile.I'm guessing that means going to bed, getting up, tea on time for kids, them in bed all when he wants it done.Oh sorry I meant to say "the right way.....the way it should be done"

He really messed me up seeing him again, that's it I'm not talking to him again!

mammadiggingdeep I'm very scared that the court will believe HI. When he tries to prove what a bad mother I am and take the kids away from me.I might just as well kill myself now because the thought of that is killing me!

Hi everyone, I don't know if I can still post on this but I wanted to let you know after reading this again what progress has been made. My H only came back for one night then went again, he said he was scared for his liberty and that I might call the police on him. He's been sticking to Sunday contact all day but since they were on holiday messing around with the drop off time and refusing to agree anything for during the week so he didn't do anything except take one of them somewhere in the morning last week. He's now in Jersey with them until the 15th having filed his divorce papers (probably because he knew I was going to file my own!) last Wednesday. So now I have to delay the acknowledgement back to court as my solicitor is on holidays and doesn't return until the 18th.

It's a waiting game now.

I'd just like to thank you for all your responses having read them again and to let you know that you didn't waste your time.