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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh exploded at me

57 replies

vstressed · 09/09/2006 08:43

dh exploded a tme yesterday because i had a go at him about something he's forgotten. He was very tired so i should have taken that into account but he was raging and swearing at me and said i'd ruined the happy memories of our recent holiday. really upset about how angry he got with me - he thinks it's all my fault for having a go at him when he was so tired and i think he was in the wrong for being so aggressive and saying horrible things. not quite sure what to do now. he tried to act like eveything was ok this morning - no apology though - he thinks his behaviour was justified - help

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 09/09/2006 08:48

Does he do this often or was it just a one-time thing?

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 08:59

it's happened lots of times, normally though only after alot of provocation. this time, it happened almost immediately

OP posts:
pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:05

Does he frighten you when he gets angry?

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 09:08

i'm not frightended he'll hurt me physically, but i''m scared that what comes out of his mouth when he's angry will hurt me. i'm on ad's at the moment for anxiety and he doesn't seem to take this into account sometimes

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 09/09/2006 09:10

You know, verbal abuse is still abuse. Do you have children together? If so, does he do the same thing with them?

pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:12

Could you sit down & have a talk to him. Tell him that you feel fearful of him when he is so aggressive, explain that you are feeling low right now.
Does he throw things when he is very angry?
It may well have been made worse by the fact he was over tired, but that is no excuse for him to be aggressive & say hurtful things to you.

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 09:13

we have a 4 month old baby. he doesn't shout at her but has shouted so loudly that she would have heard

OP posts:
Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 09:16

i have lost count of the number of times i've told him i'm scared of what he says and the hurt it causes. he always says he'll try not to, but eventually it always happens again. i know i can be annoying and i do get angry with him ( i was yesterday) but when he said i'd ruined our "f*ing holiday" by having a go at him it was too much

OP posts:
pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:18

Jabberwocky is right, verbal abuse is still very much abuse & can be very damaging.
Would he consider some kind of anger management to help tackle his temper problem?

pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:22

Controlling men are very good at making their victim feel they are in the wrong.

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 09:34

i have talked to him about anger mment before but he doesn't think he has a problem. he thinks i'm the angry one

OP posts:
Pan1 · 09/09/2006 09:39

Whoa!! What??

Running off a wee bit quick, aren't we? "controlling men..."? Has the poster alluded to that?

Undoubtedly there does seem to be something out of sync.

Anger management - the ability to be angry at the right person, over the right issue, for the right reasons,and to express that anger in measure with the anger felt and in an appropriate way.
Other questions may be asked. Why would you 'provoke'(OP's word) anyone who is 'tired'. Why give someone 'alot of provocation'(again OP's words) - what are you expecting to happen?
OP hasn't indicated dp is being verbally abusive i.e. personal insults etc, even when "exploding".

Without doubt, something runs through dp's mind leading up to shouting and swearing, and that is where you will find the problem and the solution.

All IMHO

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 09:42

not actually personal "insults" but shouts f off and scareams i don't care. has called me a bitch a few times but v rarely. has thrown things in past, so have i, but never now

OP posts:
pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:47

Sorry, I may have been jumping the gun a little, & I don't have enough detail on your situation to really judge as to whether it is a case of verbal abuse, or more of a slanging match. It is just that you describe him as very aggressive & that you feel fear around him.
Do you feel that you give as good as you get, or is it more him?

pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:49

So is it more of a case of the two of you winding each other up?

Kathlean · 09/09/2006 09:55

Sounds like you are both tired and stressed from having a very young baby and adapting to the enormous changes in your life.

If you still love him and want to be with him then forget the argument, give him a big kiss and cuddle and TELL him that you still love him and that you appreciate that you are both tired and stressed at the moment.

My DP ended up going to the Dr with fainting spells as he was so tired from working all day and them being woken several times a night by a new baby. Even if it is you getting up your H will still be disturbed to a degree.

Your baby will not be affected by the odd argument or rude language it is part and parcel of a relationship. It is how the rest of your relationship is that will affect your baby.

Good luck.

pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 09:59

New babies do put a LOT of stress on you as a couple. You are bound to both be feeling very tired & run down.
How were things before the baby arrived?

Pan1 · 09/09/2006 10:08

"Controlling men" rarely explode. Exploding indicates a percpetion of a lack of control..controlling men use 'instrumental' anger i.e. just enough to control, and OP doesn't mention any other 'control' mechanisms (critcism, sex etc).

Also, we men can get pretty sensitive if our "competency" is questioned,(bless us) rightly or wrongly....so when itwas pointed out he forgot something, coming from his loved one, it can hit harder than you may think, and more so when fatigued.

IMO, K. has it right. An element of stress for you both, and the first victim of "stress" is always "sensitivity".

pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 10:22

Yes you are probably right, pan1. I had not noticed (until later) the post where vstressed mentions the 4 month old baby. New babies put an enormous strain on even the most solid of relationships!
I have been in a relationship with anger & control issues and probably jumped the gun a bit when I read that he frightened her & turned everything around to being her in the wrong (both things I experienced a lot of.)
Reading more into this, it seems more a case of the two of you being very tired & winding each other up.
I remember my H never wanted to come home from work when our boys were tiny babies!

livelife · 09/09/2006 11:04

vstressed's dh may or may not be a control freak but would like to discuss contolling men if we can?! have left my husband now with my 4 dc's in tow - I had to start again with them living 5 weeks on a friends floor. it was slow subtle manipulation that left me feeling useless and not good enough. No physical violence except backing into corners but constant talking (3 hours in 1 go every day) and telling me how awful my behaviour was (I did have an affair though so thought he was justified). Womens aid said affair just excuse. have heard others say he's contolling and manipulative but he thinks he's lovely and caring. I'm soooo confused.

messyoldmess · 09/09/2006 11:19

It is very confusing, livelife, especially when they switch on the nice side.
Did your ex only start behaving this way after your affair?
Emotional abuse is very hard to see for yourself, yet to those hearing about it, it seems shocking.

livelife · 09/09/2006 11:59

the constant talking after the affair but nothing before - didn't want to be with me and would lock himself in his study. if i wanted to do anything he said being a mum is the best thing in the world so be happy doing that. if i had ideas or thoughts they were put down especially in front of others to make me look stupid and him clever. he shouted at dd1 all the time. he preferred books, tv, model railway, ebay etc to me or dc but in front of his parents he was model dad and husband! after affair he acted as if i was only thing he ever loved and adored and i've ruined him. dc know they are 2nd best to me even now but it was suffocating and controlling not love. i was not me for many years but he kept telling me he knows me more than i do. i felt an idiot. he told 6 yr old dd she ruined his whole weeks holiday with her the other week cos she cried for an hour! i think that is out of order. ?!!

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 15:47

we're still hardly speaking to eachother. hate him for sshouting so much and saying "our f**king holiday". he did lots for dd on holiday and i had a some lie in everyday as he knew how tired i'd been before. i felt guilt about it and told him but he said he wanted me to rest. now i feel more stressed than before we went

OP posts:
belgo · 09/09/2006 16:04

It sounds like you both need support at this time, but it's hard to give it to each other when you're both so tired. Maybe he's said things that he didn't really mean when he was tired. MAybe he doesn't feel appreciated. Holidays are often stressful - high expectations, but then it's exhausting being in a new environment - and you're more tired afterwards then before you went. Try and get some rest yourself like he said. Is your relationship usually good?

pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 16:04

So what was the incident that upset him so much while you were on holiday?