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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh exploded at me

57 replies

vstressed · 09/09/2006 08:43

dh exploded a tme yesterday because i had a go at him about something he's forgotten. He was very tired so i should have taken that into account but he was raging and swearing at me and said i'd ruined the happy memories of our recent holiday. really upset about how angry he got with me - he thinks it's all my fault for having a go at him when he was so tired and i think he was in the wrong for being so aggressive and saying horrible things. not quite sure what to do now. he tried to act like eveything was ok this morning - no apology though - he thinks his behaviour was justified - help

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Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 16:08

the argumnet happened when we got back, not during the holiday. i got angry about something he's forgotten, he said i hadn't told him - i absolutely know i did. it was something very important and he said it wasn't worth me getting so angry about it - then exploed himself

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Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 16:12

i'm missing being with dd today - she's with dh but don't want to face more hostility - and still not apology for the way he behaved. he still thinks it was justified

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pinkchampagne · 09/09/2006 16:15

It sounds like the two of you need to sit down & have a talk when he gets back.

belgo · 09/09/2006 16:17

Maybe you can offer an olive branch by saying you understand that he's tired? and that it's a difficult time for both of you? It might be too soon to expect an apology from hiM

Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 17:28

he doesn't think there's anything to talk about. he just wants to forget about it - i'm too upset to do that. we were supposed to be having dinner in the garden tonight - i'm still in my dressing gown and we've not spoken now for 3 hours

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Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 18:05

have got dressed now and been to see dd for a cuddle.dh putting her to bed now. don't know what to do when he's finished. i'd like to make up but don't feel i should accept his behaviour last night - any advice

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Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 18:21

any ideas anyone?

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Original poster
vstressed · 09/09/2006 18:39

just been downstairs to try to make up but also said that i didn't think me refusing to go back to bed after i had a go at thim justified his shouting and ranting. he said "it was because he wanted to have a cuddle and talk about our holiday". i've just told him that after he'd annoyed me i didn't feel like being in bed and now he's just shouted at me again about it - what now???

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Kathlean · 09/09/2006 19:09

Sorry I don't think you can try to make up and then add a but......

You either make up (and do not mention the argument) or you carry on the argument/problem. You chose to bring the problem up again so he is getting frustrated and annoyed at you carrying on and shouting again.

In my opinion 'but' makes the previous part of the conversation/action meaningless.

Original poster
vstressed · 10/09/2006 14:16

have asked dh to do something to help stop his ranting, eg anger management, but he refuses as he says he doesn't have a problem.am i being unreasonable in wanting him to do this?

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belgo · 10/09/2006 14:38

I think counselling as a couple is a better idea, then it will help you both understand how the other is feeling.

Pan1 · 10/09/2006 14:41

Sounds to me at least like K. is right again, re the argument continuation. Having your cake....wishing the last word.....

I am beginning to wonder if it is you that doesn't wish a harmonious relationship, or at least if it is only on your terms. Not excusing his shouting whatsoever - not nice to hear - but 'conflict resolution' is a tricky bugger and needs alot of reflecting on, rather than quick fixes. They never work.

belgo · 10/09/2006 14:51

Let me tell you a quick story which really made me reflect on my own behaviour. The other day at 8am I told off my husband for only emptying half the dishwasher. he got really angry with me, shouting 'you stupid cow'. Not nice of him you may think, but in his defense, he had been up since 6am, looking after dd and working from home, while I had an extra lie in. Not nice of me, was it? Everything has a context, and there are two sides to every story, and while i'm not excusing your DH's behaviour, maybe you could try and see things from his point of view?

Original poster
vstressed · 10/09/2006 18:11

that's intersting belgo. that's pretty much like our situation. he'd been doing alot while we were on hols and i had a lie every day while he looked after baby and tidied up. so whne i had a go at him about forgeeting something when he was tired after driving back home for 4 hours, he couldn't take it and exploded. however he does explode other times too. he has also now agreed to go to speak to someone about controlling his outbursts

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belgo · 10/09/2006 19:03

I'm glad you're talking to each other about your problems. Admitting there's a problem is the first step to solving it, and I'm sure it will help talking to someone professional.

Original poster
vstressed · 11/09/2006 09:04

i ended up getting hysterically upset again last night as dh went to bed without saying goodnight to me as he thought i was ignoring him - i wasn't , i was just in the middle of reading something when he said he was going to bed so i didn't look up but just said i'd come in in a few minutes. but he just went to the spare room and turned the light off. i went in and told him i was upset about him not saying goodnight and he had a go at me for "ignoring" him. i got hysterical and ended up taking slleping pills which im not suipposed to take with anti depressants. i told him this. i felt shaky and sick in the night and could hardly move. he came in to try to wake me up before he went to work as he wanted to make sure i'd look after baby. i kept falling asleep so he said he'd throw a bucket of water over me to wake me up - he didnt. eventually, as i opened my eyes, he said he had to get to work and went - i am in such a state and feel so bad from taking the sleeping pills

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mumblechum · 11/09/2006 10:08

Maybe you should go to the GP, there may still be some effects from taking the pills last night, and it sounds like maybe you should seek some help for yourself... I'm not criticising, but it sounds like things are getting on top of you. I know that sometimes it's hard to cope, especially if you're not getting enough sleep, and I imagine that with a young baby, you're not. Sometimes things get blown out of proportion, but if you can be helped to step back fromthe situation a bit, you may find that the problems are not so very bad. I can kind of see things from your husband's perspective a bit, because in my relationship, my dh is the one who gets more worried about things not being perfect all the time, and I have to reassure him and help him not to make mountains out of molehills.

belgo · 11/09/2006 10:17

Yes I agree, please go to your GP and tell him what you've told us. You clearly need some help, and it is too much for your dh to cope with. With the right help, maybe different anti depressants, and counselling, things will get better.

Original poster
vstressed · 11/09/2006 11:42

why is it too much for dh to cope with?all i want is for him to be gentle and not shout at me. he knows i suffer from anxiety and this is why i take ad s but he never takes my illness into account - he just has a go at me for spoiling things and getting upset with him. he even asked me whether i would hurt dd yesterday, i was horrified. i havent heard from him since he left 3 hours ago - makes me feel terrible he doesnt even call when i'm in such a state. i would love us to be a happy family

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belgo · 11/09/2006 11:51

Did you go to the doctors? You worried me when you said you had taken the pills. When I said it was too much for your dh to cope with what I meant was that he's not helping you very much at the moment, and you may need some more professional help. Do you think your antidepressants are working?

Original poster
vstressed · 11/09/2006 12:02

no haven't been to drs as have only been taking ads for a month so i know she will just tell me to keep taking them for longer . i just wish my h could be more understanding and realise that it's my illness which makes me behave like this, it's not because i want to. he's read about it and i've told him about it but he just can't deal with me. i don't wan to end up leaving him but i feel being with him is making me worse - but i also don't know how i'd cope on my own - i feel so trapped. i've told h that i would be too scared to have another baby with him because of his shouting and temper and i wouldn't want to be pregnant with him near me because of the stress his shouting would have on me and the unborn baby. he lost his temper and shouted at tme when i was pregnant before. it caused my blood pressure to go up alot and then baby's growth slowed and i had to be induced.

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belgo · 11/09/2006 12:06

I'm not really sure what else to say, except that a professional person should be able to help you more than me.

mellowma · 11/09/2006 12:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster
vstressed · 11/09/2006 12:44

h just came home from work because he was worried abot the state i was in when he left. he wanted to make me lunch and said he's look after dd while i had shower and got dressed but i told him i didn't want any food. i told him he only cares about baby not me and he got annyoed, i started crying again. he's gone back to work again now and i feel guilty for not being grateful for him coming home

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mellowma · 11/09/2006 12:47

Message withdrawn