Daughter's boyfriend

[cyclerunmum]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker, but not a poster, but I need some more perspective on a problem I have please!

My DD1 is 21, just graduated (with a first) and heading towards further post grad study. She is very bright, beautiful, popular and independent, and she is the light of my life.

She has a 29 year old boyfriend who she's been with for 4 years now, coming home every fortnight from uni to see him. She spent last two summers (3 to 4 months) working away in the states just to give you an idea how much time they've spent together.

He is a local man from a very rural traditional family, and is known locally as a good guy, likes a drink/rugby etc but, and here is my problem finally, he doesn't treat my DD very well. I have ignored things as much as I can over the years, but he is not going to change and makes my DD unhappy (but she won't admit it). They never do anything together as a couple, always group activities, even holidays etc. He prioritises everything in his life ahead of DD and shows no interest in her life (I have witnessed this numerous times).

Just to give you an example or two, he promised to take her away for her 21st but it never materialised, so she never got a present.

He will not come to DD's graduation ceremony, because it will be boring. He can't see how important it is to her and us, and she has been in tears over this with him.

She bought him an expensive wallet for his birthday. When he opened it, because it didn't have the right pocket inside he threw it on the table and said he didn't want it.

I have had relative strangers from my village tell me how badly he treats her and they wouldn't want their daughter in a relationship like this.... at a social event, in front of many others and coming from a position of having close knowledge of their relationship.

Last weekend I pointed out to him that he was ignoring my DD (we were all our at an event, and he literally hadn't spoken to her all night) so of course now my DD is not speaking to me for interfering. I know I shouldn't have done, but I am biting my tongue constantly watching her being let down and it is so hard. She insists she is happy with him defends him to the end.

Sorry for the huge post, but how would you deal with it? My family and friends all see it too, but like me can't get through to her. I'm so upset that this will drive us apart, all I want is for her to be loved and treated well.

What are her plans now she has graduated?

If he is that much of a knob I'm amazed their relationship lasted through the university years.

I'd have had the alarm bells at the start. What

Kind of 25yo wants to date a 17yo school girl.

She is probably scared to leave him as she knows no different.

Has she got any friends you could raise concerns with?

She is going onto study a masters which will be a 2 year very full on course, and she is going to commute from home, so won't be around very much.

I too am amazed it has lasted, we were convinced it would fizzle out as soon as she got to uni, but no.

On the surface he seems like a nice bloke, and I am sure he thinks this is perfectly normal for his ideal relationship, but not in my world, or the world my DD has been brought up in!

weatherall, I totally agree with you.

Most of her friends locally are his friends, and her old school/uni friends never really got to know him so may not see him as I do...

She is very good friends with his brother's girlfriend who seems to have her head screwed on, maybe I should speak to her?

I think that if she is defending him, you need to stop trying to get through to her and focus on keeping an open trusting relationship between the two of you. That way she can come to you for help when she is ready. If you keep on at her she might hide problems from you or feel that she can't come to you for support.

They got together at 17 and 25?... Sadly, once someone is in a relationship which is controlling, bullying or abusive, there is very little you can usefully do to get them out until they are ready and specifically ask for help. There is a link on the Womens Aid Website about what not to say to a woman in an abusive relationship....here .... which you might find useful. What you said about her getting defensive when you point out his bad attitude, for example, that's in there.

What you can positively do is stay in contact. Bullies specialise in isolating their victim from friends and family so keep up the communication and be a life-line, even if you are rejected or insulted. Other than that try to boost her confidence as much as possible. Being the victim of abusive behaviour affects confidence and self-esteem. Gently encourage any ideas she has (like the USA work) to put some distance between them but avoid being pushy.

Good luck

Bite your tongue, don't comment on him to her or others.

I think I'd be examining my family tree looking at far away family members and overseas she might visit. But hopefully in her next phase of study she'll meet more new faces.

There's nothing you can do. She's an adult, she's making her choices.
Sit back and wait to comfort her when she wakes up. Perhaps occasionally ask her 'Are you comfortable with what X did about this?' But keep it mild and move on quickly if she doesn't want to talk. Don't ask others to intervene, she'll see this as a betrayal.

Thanks for your replies, and for the link Cogito

It's strange because I wouldn't have thought of him as controlling until recently (mainly because of the graduation thing, that was a shock the way he refused to go). He almost seems the opposite, as though he doesn't care at all about her, he isn't jealous, she goes out without him, has male friends etc.

He just seems so entrenched in is own life and family/local area that unless DD just joins in alongside what he wants to do, he won't do anything for her.

But if he doesn't love her, why the hell is he still with her, I'd rather he broke her heart and dumped her than keep her hanging on to a relationship that is so lacking in care and respect.

It is so hard when they are adults and you have to stand back and watch mistakes happen with no control! I will always be there for her no matter what, she knows this.

Buy her some books about emotionally abusive relationships, Beverly Engel or Lundy Bancroft. Or send her links to appropriate web pages. She won't want to know your opinion but she might take heed if it comes form an established source. She's a smart girl, appeal to her intelligence.

Good luck.

I think there are two issues here. You're right - he does sound abusive and controlling. But I'm reading some class issues here too? I suspect you also aren't mad keen on him because he's a lower socio-economic group without the same prospects? Sadly, that might also be tying your DD to this man - a reluctance to admit you are right about him because she feels your dislike comes from a place of (sorry) snobbery

LTJ

Snobbery really doesn't come into it, I was a single teenage mum, 19 when I had DD, I have nurtured and encouraged her to be the best she can be, and she has academically and socially. I worked continually whilst she was growing up, so she isn't some privileged princess, and neither was I.

His family, although traditional, are quite wealthy, and he has degree educated siblings (he is self employed tradesman, and very good at what he does). So any difference I am highlighting is possibly more his very traditional upbringing, vs. DD's possibly more modern one.

Interestingly my DH was brought up in the same area, with traditional parents yet he is the most respectful and caring man you could meet.

Funny I assumed he was a son of the lord of the manor, he sounds arrogant and probably dazzled her at 17. Hopefully she'll wise up to him.

If the behaviour is as bad as friends are saying it is then she will need to see that in perspective. You could do this by filming them at a family event or getting her friends to do clips, seeing herself like this might help her.

I personally wouldn't do the wait and see, it will give her a false sense that it's ok and that you are accepting it or condoning it.

Interesting point about the attitudinal or socio cultural difference, at that age you tend to be a bit blind to it so it will probably help if you can reassure her somehow that it's not a problem you have. Perhaps get together with his family all together?

I was in a similar situation when i was your daughters age. I fought tooth and nail to pretend that i had made the right choice - despite knowing i hadn't. At that age it is about saving face and looking as though you are capable of acting like an adult. She doesn't want her Mum's advice.

What would have worked for me would have been a simple conversation about how my Mum's door was always open to me, that she would drop everything and be there for me, no matter what time of day or night. I know she would have (now), but she never specifically told me.

No recriminations, no i told you so's - just a safe place to return to.

Don't make this about the relationship - leave that to her - but give her the message that no matter her choices in life you will pick up the pieces.Even the most independent, clever and beautiful children need to hear that message and they still need their parents sometimes.

I'm not so sure, it might be years and years before this girl realises what a crap relationship she's in and after a certain amount of time she may have developed coping mechanisms that will push the family further away or lead to long term damage. Children might come and then she will be truly entrenched in this dysfunctional life.

Sorry OP, this has really struck a chord with me.

whatdoesittake48 thank you for your insight, it is interesting to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. I do think she knows I will always be there, but I will tell her again.

unrealhousewife this is my worst fear too, and why I am finding it hard not to say anything. 4 years is a long time, I have been telling myself she just needs to get qualified so at least she has her career to fall back on if things go wrong on a practical point of view.

Sorry, but I think you need to take a step back a bit here.

I understand that you are concerned for your daughter and her well-being, but this is her life, and her mistake to make (if it is that).

I think I read somewhere that she is only 17? She sounds very mature for her age, but maybe if you are voicing your dislike of him or their relationship, it would just push her more towards him.

I was in almost the same position as you and your daughter. Only, my parents disliked my partner because I would always go running home everytime we had an argument, telling them my side of things, so they never heard his side of things. We ended up splitting up for a year, then getting back together. My mum only spoke to him again because I was ill with my crohns, and I text her saying I may live with him but I need her too. She was right up at my flat, and started talking to him then. My dad and brother only started speaking to him again at a family party, when they realised he wasnt going anywhere and I loved him.

Just make sure she knows you are there for her if she needs you. Dont act any different with him in public, because you will just make things difficult for her. If the relationship is as bad as it seems from your posts, she will really need your support sometime soon.

OP's DD was 17 when she mdt her boyfriend she is now 21 Gudgyx.

cyclerun
It is so hard when they are adults and you have to stand back and watch mistakes happen with no control! I will always be there for her no matter what, she knows this

It is extremely hard. It's horrible to stand by and watch your child making what most other people see as mistakes and it's such a change from when they're young and the decisions fall to you.
It's not that you want to control them, it's that you've had their lifetime of fixing things and making things right for them and then you're impotent.

At around the same ages I had a similar situation with DD but it was much more extreme and often quite scarey.
I had to steel myself to remain warm and welcoming to her, but to stay neutral and uncritical.
I won't go into all the gory details, but it was a dreadful time for all of us and it took a long time to come out of the other side.

The only thing you can do is bite your lip and stay calm. It's all her choice and she just needs to know she always has your support and not your criticism (even if it's subtle and only implied not outright)

It's little comfort to you now if you have misgivings, but she is young and it's a huge learning part of her life as well as her formal education she will be maturing and taking in more than you think.

He's an abusive misogynist, you're not wrong there. But I think, as other posters have said, your DD is at the age where she doesn't want to admit that she's made a mistake, and also with awful men like this, the girl is desperately hoping that some day, somehow, she will find the Magic Button that will make him treat her well. As others said, all you can really do is be there for her. Perhaps provide distractions (eg trips away) and do stuff with her and, if you say anyhting about the shitbag, put it politely eg 'Well he doesn't want to come, so we'll go without him, never mind...'

Thanks Donkeys :) that does make more since actually, since theyve been together 4 years, silly me!

all I want is for her to be loved and treated well
And you do this for her. Just keep doing this and be there for her.
Let her know you love her and want what's best for her.
Tell her how unhappy you are about it but that you won't interfere again.
It must be so hard.
I'm dreading this happening to my DD.

I think you should educate yourself about emotional abuse. Once you understand the minds of these men it will make it easier for you to tackle his mind games. I would certainly think it will put your daughter at an advantage to gain an understanding as well.

I think if she cuts you out at least you can say you have tried, and it might bring it to a head sooner. Being there in the background will make her think it's ok.

That was my experience anyway. I would be crying on my Mums shoulder but there was no advice or perspective. I was comforted for a bit and then went straight back to him.