Daughter's boyfriend

[cyclerunmum]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker, but not a poster, but I need some more perspective on a problem I have please!

My DD1 is 21, just graduated (with a first) and heading towards further post grad study. She is very bright, beautiful, popular and independent, and she is the light of my life.

She has a 29 year old boyfriend who she's been with for 4 years now, coming home every fortnight from uni to see him. She spent last two summers (3 to 4 months) working away in the states just to give you an idea how much time they've spent together.

He is a local man from a very rural traditional family, and is known locally as a good guy, likes a drink/rugby etc but, and here is my problem finally, he doesn't treat my DD very well. I have ignored things as much as I can over the years, but he is not going to change and makes my DD unhappy (but she won't admit it). They never do anything together as a couple, always group activities, even holidays etc. He prioritises everything in his life ahead of DD and shows no interest in her life (I have witnessed this numerous times).

Just to give you an example or two, he promised to take her away for her 21st but it never materialised, so she never got a present.

He will not come to DD's graduation ceremony, because it will be boring. He can't see how important it is to her and us, and she has been in tears over this with him.

She bought him an expensive wallet for his birthday. When he opened it, because it didn't have the right pocket inside he threw it on the table and said he didn't want it.

I have had relative strangers from my village tell me how badly he treats her and they wouldn't want their daughter in a relationship like this.... at a social event, in front of many others and coming from a position of having close knowledge of their relationship.

Last weekend I pointed out to him that he was ignoring my DD (we were all our at an event, and he literally hadn't spoken to her all night) so of course now my DD is not speaking to me for interfering. I know I shouldn't have done, but I am biting my tongue constantly watching her being let down and it is so hard. She insists she is happy with him defends him to the end.

Sorry for the huge post, but how would you deal with it? My family and friends all see it too, but like me can't get through to her. I'm so upset that this will drive us apart, all I want is for her to be loved and treated well.

Yes he'll perceive the 'underlying threat' and it will set off his anti parent radar even more. He isn't a teen or someone just into adulthood to be intimidated by his gf's parents. - he is 20 something and resented OP having a mild word to the extent he grumbled/ whined to her DD about it.

Ew they're nasty people aren't they. Just vile.

OP you are describing my first boyfriend whom I was with for a few years starting at age 16.
I'm not sure why people are concluding he is abusive and controlling.
the relationship you describe is so like mine was but
My Bf was neither abusive or controlling .

He just didn't treat me too well , let me down and stuff, didn't prioritise me. he was never ever nasty or abusive. Just disinterested , a bit rude and a bit thick ! never ever tried to stop me seeing friends /family.

basically not a bad guy, went on to marry a distant relative of mine and they are very happy .

Looking back I conclude he was just not that in to me but I adored him so much and made myself so available it was easier for him to let it drift.

he eventually chucked me ! I was heartbroken but got over it quickly .

my mum never once said a word to me about his crapness. I wish she or someone else would have done , but the thing is though he was a crap boyfriend, he was basically a good guy ( I think you said the same thing of your DDs BF)

MrsBrownsgirls you have described him almost perfectly. It is DD's first relationship, and although he is a lot older I don't think he had any significant relationships either.

To answer a PP he does act as though she is his girlfriend, as in everyone knows they are a couple, he just seems to have a weird sense of what a good caring relationship entails, and how much effort he has to put in.

To add to the reasons my DD gives for his behaviour, he apparently gets very 'down' periods and is in a bad mood for weeks at a time (blamed on him working long hours, being tired etc), his DF suffered very serious depression throughout his life, so it seems accepted behaviour by his family.

I have previously, gently, tried to get DD to think if she can cope with someone like this for the rest of her life, and how she can't really help him if he doesn't want to help himself (won't go to GP). Whether this is true or not I don't know, but it is a stock excuse for any uncaring behaviour I witness, and (carefully) raise with her.

Thank you for all the replies, it is so helpful getting other perspectives.

I was in a similar relationship during my university years (17-22). Then met now dh and realised that although boyfriend was a great friend, he just didn't care enough about me or worry enough about how I felt.

Incidentally my mum once said she "knew it wouldn't last" which was the closest she ever got to telling me what she really thought and I can clearly remember feeling devastated and deciding I'd prove her wrong. Luckily dh came along so I didn't have chance!

Perhaps you can work on modelling positive behaviour? Your DH can be influential as well - finding opportunities to tell your DD how he thinks she deserves to be treated. Your DH is your DD's template for how relationships should be and his words will carry weight. But he needs to speak gently rather than giving her a talking to. For you - saying things like "I'm sure X knows how lucky he is to have you" - to gently point out the gulf between what she should be aiming for and what she has.

interesting , OP .
I also excused his behaviour because he used to get very down and had family problems.

It is a common tactic among abusers to feign depression and suicide In order to keep their partner engaging in their story.

There may be an element of depression and therefore some truth in it, but it means she is drawn into a codependent relationship, changing her behaviour to adapt to the pain that his behaviour is causing her.

It might help if you can work towards a way of getting her to see him as someone she can let go of, that he will be ok without her. Help her to imagine what he would do if she weren't there, that he would find a way to survive, or even find someone else to take care of him.

Having been in an abusive relationship I actually do not think you should just leave her to make her own mistakes. What if he isolates her from you, destroys her self esteem and career prospects and grinds her into the ground? However you are going to have to be clever how you tackle this... You don't want to push them closer together.
This is not a case of you being an unreasonable mum who hates her dds dp. Sounds like he's a real shit. If abuse escalates I would phone women's aid for advice without them knowing.

I just bought The book recommended by Celiafate earlier.

The thinking about intervening in these relationships is that I t has to be done safely, so we generally leave well alone through fear of making it worse. But that just lets the bullies win, i think intervention of some kind is essential but it's more akin to stealth counselling rather than telling someone something that's obvious to you but might just really anger them to hear.

But every day she stays is another day she internalises his behaviour.

Anyone seen Frozen? Very relevant here.

Longtalljosie that's an interesting idea. I wonder if that would work? Saying things that make her realise what would be normal in a good relationship but that clearly demonstrate he is falling short, without having to criticise. I mean things like "I'm sure he knows how lucky he is to have you" when he's taking her for granted and she can see that if she thinks about it, or saying brightly "I'm sure he's planning something wonderful to make up for it" when he has let her down on an important occasion and she knows he won't bother, or if she mentions they're going out at the weekend "that's great, it's so important as to spend time together as a couple and have a date now and then!" when really she will then correct you to say that they are seeing his friends and family as a group. We know he has no intention of doing these things for her, but they are normal in lasting loving relationships and by assuming he's this great guy you are drawing out the lines of what is usual in happy relationships (believe me other people will make the exact same remarks to her "oh John must be taking you out on the town for your birthday/must be so proud of you/must be treating you like a princess") and she can see herself how far of that he falls short without you having to directly point it out.

It was a casual remark from a friend when I was with an ex about how "we look after each other just as I'm sure you do" that made me realise "actually, no we don't..." And when I met DH I realised what it was like to look after and feel looked after.

I know exactly what you are saying. Watching your adult child make, what we as parents, see as a terrible mistake is so very painful. But, she is an adult and has to make her own choices and experience the consequences of those actions. Perhaps he has another side to him which is much nicer but which you don't really get to see.
Does she see her father at all as this can often affect the kind of man/relationship that a young woman enters into.
Keep the door of communication open. My experience is that the more you put a guy down the more she will side with him and cling to him.
Perhaps she genuinely wants what this guy is offering. Perhaps, as he doesn't seem to care too much about seeing her then this gives her the freedom to concentrate on her studies and her own life.
I am going through something very similar right now with my own daughter of same age. All I can say is, keep yourself busy so you don't dwell on it too much, try to get some quality time with her and, hardest of all, try not to let your own disapproval of him drive a wedge between yourself and your daughter. She has to make her own choices and it looks like she is gonna go down this road with him whether you like it or not.
Keep biting your tongue. It's hard though I know.

I really hope things work out for the best op. I was with an awful boyfriend from 17 to my late 20's. Very few people told me to leave him, I don't know if I would have left had they have told me to.

I do believe that reading stuff on MN may have given me more belief that he was an arsehole and it wasn't my fault. I think I felt guilty.

I know it's a soap but does your daughter watch hollyoaks? The domestic violence escalation with Maxine and Patrick has truly been chilling. I have ensured my teen watched it and discussed it. I also asked her to watch murdered by my boyfriend. It just brings abusive relationships into conversation without it being about him as such.

I don't think you need people to tell you to leave your partner, what you need is people to show you perspective again on what a normal healthy relationship is. You need to learn that it's ok to let go of this man, he will be ok without you, you without him, and to disengage from the cycle. You need to learn about how the narcissist / abusers brain works and where you fit into it.

why are people calling him an abuser? he's just a duff boyfriend who is not that into her and lets her down a lot and she doesn't realise there are far healthier relationships out there

He's an abuser because he's slowly destroying her and doesn't seem to care or notice. It suits him.