If you read this as a status update on FB:

[PTFsWife]

'13 years ago I married my best friend, the beautiful xx, who has helped me become more adventurous and try new things, who puts up with and often laughs at my dumb jokes and pranks, has been my biggest fan and supporter in all things, has blessed me with three, pretty awesome reflections of herself and ultimately has made me a better man. Anyone that knows xx already knows how extremely lucky I am and I count my blessings every day. Happy Anniversary xx.'

This followed by a stream of well wishers gushing about how they are the perfect couple and how they are such a great example of marriage, how tempted would you be to write:

'NOOOOOOO. She is a fucking, lying cowbag who serially cheats on her husband, including my husband and another man concurrently, and doesn't think anything of cheating in her own home with her kids there.'

Obviously I won't but it galls me to see this poor man's profusion of love for her when he seems blissfully unaware of what she's done behind his back (and most likely still is doing with other men). Unless it's all a cunning disguise and he is just trying to pretend.

Sorry - just needed to get that little rant off my chest.

Exacrtly PTFsWife... you have no clue what consequences they suffered, and here you are, opening a thread about them on MumsNet for everyone to give opinions on them... except the ones you don't like, which happen to be "ignorant".

I am afraid I will keep sharing my ignorant opinions wherever I feel like to. If you have a problem with it... well, tough.

Wow, she does appear to have got away it! Promotion??

What happened about your husband'a fiddled expenses? And wasn't there something about using company email to send "indecent" content? Did he suffer more repercussions as the more senior employee? (Can't remember if he actually was).

Have you considered the view that by not discouraging her from fantasies about your children with hers, he was in effect giving her permission to hold and continue suggesting those ideas? Maybe that doesn't matter now though, or need analysis, especially if you've drawn a line under it and rebuilt your relationship?

It sounds like they're both fantasists, the OW and her DH, as I'm also suspicious of the authenticity of such public gushing.

Well of course she's for away with it. Nobody, including you and your h, has bothered to tell her dh what has been going on. Poor chap is utterly deluded.

Op, your h has completely got away with it too. He's as deceitful and conniving as she. She tried to "lure" him back, did she? The evil temptress that she is and your poor innocent helpless h couldn't help himself before.

Happy days, papering over cracks.

GOT away with it. Not for away with it.

I'd see my own situation reflected and I'd be angry. It would remind me of how I had trusted my husband so much that I would have thought nothing of publicly declaring my love for him. It would remind me that I could never do that again because our trust has been broken so completely.

It would remind me of all the pitying thoughts/looks etc that would have been for me when I was in the same boat.

And it reminds me that actually, can I be sure that he's not at it again? After all, he put this barbie bitch before me once before......

And sadly all your anger is not for her and sadness not for her husband. Its all for you and your husband.

You are still checking her fb status. You haven't moved on and why would/should you.

You know what? I am an idiot. A huge idiot. But probably not for the reasons many of you think.

I am an idiot for posting on Mumsnet about this issue. I posted this thread somewhat flippantly because I do still have some underlying anger about it and sometimes I want to get it off my chest and I can't in real life. It has after all been less than a year so of course I still check up on her. I don't do it often, but I still do. I am healing. It lessens every single day.

But there is a group of women on the relationship boards who cannot see that anyone can move past an affair. You will write anything to push your point of view that my husband is a bastard and that I am simply papering over cracks, with smug asides that basically say: You're an idiot and a fool for continuing this marriage. (The same has been said to me on almost every thread I have had on this subject.)

One day I may have that realisation - that I am an idiot and a fool. And I promise that should that day come, I will return to Mumsnet and tell all you self-righteous doom merchants that you were right all along. But I don't think I will be.

Both my husband and I are committed to making our marriage work. If you don't like that because your life didn't work out that way, that is your issue, not mine.

I have appreciated a lot of the support I have received on this board in the past but I have also had to endure a lot of vitriol thrown my way - despite doing fuck all wrong except try to make my marriage work.

I should have learned my lesson by now. I won't make the same mistake again or be posting on this board again. To anyone out there whose partner has had an affair, know this: it is possible to recover from an affair. It won't be overnight success. And it will require a massive amount of commitment from the person who had the affair. But do not listen to the naysayers on here who want everyone to share their bleak little worlds. Believe in your gut, your own strength and the commitment of your partner to fix things and you can do it.

If you and your husband are committed to making it work....maybe stop looking at this serial adulterers profile. It can't be healthy.

OP I'm with you, I'm sorry you are subjected to this. I agree starting the thread was a bad idea, bet you regret it now.
Yes, the woman's husband is in a horrible situation which every way you look at it. Yes, it's not ideal that you decided not to tell him about your husband having an affair with his wife, but it's your decision and you must have had your reasons.
Good for you that you have tried and fought so hard to keep your marriage - you must feel very strongly that it's worth it.
Wishing you the best, stay strong and think twice before starting such threads...

I think things like that are really sad. Needing public validation for things that should be private and personal is very telling. Relationships don't need to be played out in public.

YANBU at all OP, read it for what it is and block this person so that you can't read more of this tripe. Your decisions are your own.

OP I don't think anyone is trying to make you miserable here.

If you feel that, maybe you're a little less confident in your decision thank you think? I don't know.

All I know is that being angry at a FB status that appears to show her 'getting away with it' while you are still with your dh (the one who actually cheated on you) is not good for you.

You still have a lot of anger but you're directing it in the wrong place.

Are you worried your marriage will end if you're angry with him?

I just don't see how you can't see the double standards and I'm sure it's not healthy for you.

I don't think it's doom laden to say, "Hang on. You're directing all your vitriol at this woman who wasn't married to you. Your husband is married to you. Yet he still gets the status quo after his affair and you don't think this woman should too?"

I do think it's possible to recover from an affair in certain circumstances.
But, not while checking up on the OW. Sorry. :(
You do need to forget about her and focus on your relationship if you want to have a chance.

PS - I have never seen a told you so in this board.

I can't stand that sort of fb status. It looks desperate to me.

So yes, I would feel exactly the same as you and no, I don't think this indicates that you still have unresolved issues, directing your anger at the wrong one etc, etc.

I'm sorry you don't feel you can vent here.

I think you took some of the comments in the wrong way. I personally have all the respect for someone who has gone through the heartbreak and suffering of infidelity and carried on with the harsh decision of giving the cheater another chance. I have no idea whether or not it will work in the long term, but I certainly hope it works best for everyone.

The only reason I am posting is to point out the irony in criticising someone for doing exactly what your "D"H has done. And to remind you that, if you really have moved on, you have non reason to be stalking someone on FB a year after you supposedly did. If you wanted to reveal all to this woman's husband, you certainly should have done back then. Right now it is none of your business what either of the couple choose to write on their FB wall, as it's none of their business what you choose to post in yours.

I have the kind of opposite...a friend who constantly witters on about how much she loves her fiancé and how much of a great dad he is...
...we know he's cheating - caught him, told her and she refuses to accept it.

I have a lot of sympathy with the OP. I don't understand why as a betrayed spouse we are not allowed to feel some anger towards the OW. In my case, yes, DH betrayed me but she also broke HER wedding vows and knew what she was doing too. She was as complicit in the whole thing.

However one of the things I've HAD to do for my own sanity is block her and her DH on fbook as I was looking her up nearly every day at one point. (And her DH doesn't know either).

I feel it was an important step in my recovery from all this.

And, like the OP, we are working on our marriage. And even though it is early days I believe we can be happy. It's all very well to be black and white about things but life isn't always black and white. And once a cheat isn't always a cheat.

Hey OP, I've been where you are and regardless of what the perfect open-minded and totally fair people of MN think, I hated the OW too. For a while. Not now. it was too tiring and as Sid the sloth said 'I'm too lazy to hold a grudge'. I do however agree with jones,that it isn't unacceptable to be pissed off at someone who stepped (invited or not) into your marriage?

Anger is only a bad thing if it is expressed in a destructive manner. I don't think a rant on MN is destructive. I used to wish for some minor unpleasantness to befall the OW - bad case of acne, embarrassing flatulence in a public place. As it happened she had a baby and now is about 3 stone heavier.... I think to be a little gratified is normal.

However let it go, let it go...... The person who should be angry with her is her H - but he doesn't know, that's what's wrong with this picture. Poor bugger.

Just forget her. Stop. Stop. Stop...... and breathe xx

Also agree with jones re FB. Just don't.

PTF, Irian and Jones: I'm with you! And to those of you who insist on pointing out the irony, that the DH and the OW are in the same boat etc, that it is irrational to forgive the DH and continue to hate the OW blah, blah, blah: yes, we do know all that. But it is a visceral instinctive reaction and it is good to be able to vent sometimes! Even in a lighthearted way.

The question is, would it bother anyone what the OW was doing if she hadn't done it with your own OHs?
Probably not.
She's nobody. You are not in competition with her.

You really need to block her/him its not doing you any good popping by to see whats happening in their crappy little lives.

Hang on! What has the girlfriend's husband done wrong?? How does he have a crappy little life?

You never know, he might be cheating on her too but wants the rest of the world to think everything is AOK, especially his kids / in laws etc.

But behind closed doors he could be getting his too and if she cheats on him repeatedly, I have no sympathy for her if he does.

But hey ho...

...and they may really be happy and having a blast... why is it that people only seem to feel better when they imagine someone else being miserable?