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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you read this as a status update on FB:

92 replies

PTFsWife · 01/07/2014 18:08

'13 years ago I married my best friend, the beautiful xx, who has helped me become more adventurous and try new things, who puts up with and often laughs at my dumb jokes and pranks, has been my biggest fan and supporter in all things, has blessed me with three, pretty awesome reflections of herself and ultimately has made me a better man. Anyone that knows xx already knows how extremely lucky I am and I count my blessings every day. Happy Anniversary xx.'

This followed by a stream of well wishers gushing about how they are the perfect couple and how they are such a great example of marriage, how tempted would you be to write:

'NOOOOOOO. She is a fucking, lying cowbag who serially cheats on her husband, including my husband and another man concurrently, and doesn't think anything of cheating in her own home with her kids there.'

Obviously I won't but it galls me to see this poor man's profusion of love for her when he seems blissfully unaware of what she's done behind his back (and most likely still is doing with other men). Unless it's all a cunning disguise and he is just trying to pretend.

Sorry - just needed to get that little rant off my chest.

OP posts:
chubbymummy · 01/07/2014 19:52

Have you quoted the exact status or have you changed some details so that it isn't obvious to anyone who knows them? I only ask because a very nauseating anniversary status has appeared in my news feed today from a husband to his wife. I don't know the wife and haven't seen the husband for about 20 years (since we left school). Ooh, I wonder if it could be them?!

chubbymummy · 01/07/2014 19:57

Ooh, I've just Facebook stalked the wife and she does have a bit of a barbie thing going on (a shorter, slightly plumper version but still...).

Lweji · 01/07/2014 20:13

So, she's a fucking, lying cowbag and a witch and you're glad you have your DH back because of the affair and are moving abroad with him. Hmm

Original poster
PTFsWife · 01/07/2014 20:13

Nope - that was the actual status. Possibly foolish of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PTFsWife · 01/07/2014 20:16

Lweji - I am sure that I have explained my situation plenty of times on here. I'm not going to do it again. Some people cannot get over an affair and I get that. But some people can and can come out of it stronger for it. May seem incomprehensible to you, but it can and does happen. Doesn't make us wrong. And moving abroad isn't decided. Either way it will be a joint decision.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 01/07/2014 20:23

fakebook

Lweji · 01/07/2014 20:25

I'm not questioning you staying with him, just the double standards.
Surely he is just a lying bastard as she is a lying bitch.

If you have forgiven him, surely you should let go of her too. Misplaced anger there.

LizzieBelle · 01/07/2014 20:26

It's Facebook, everyone gushes. It makes me feel like I am the only poor lonely sod out there - I'm not, but it makes me feel like that!

tribpot · 01/07/2014 20:27

Definitely not the case that everyone gushes - if anyone wrote that kinda stuff within my circle of friends they would have the piss ripped something rotten.

chipshop · 01/07/2014 21:31

I have a friend who constantly posts about her gorgeous, amazing DH on FB, often sharing pics of the designer gifts he lavishes her with. In fact her DH doesn't like spending time alone with her, cheats when he's on work trips and bitches about how annoying she is. I know this as my DP works with him and I just feel sorry for her when I see her latest post.

Pinkballoon · 01/07/2014 21:41

Are you sure this person didn't put that up tongue in cheek, knowing what their partner is like?

Alternatively, its what everyone else has said - some people on FB tend to paint a slightly rosier picture than is the case. Why, I never know. Sick bags to the ready.

Pinkballoon · 01/07/2014 21:48

Another option could be that the FB poster knows that his partner is cheating, and is sending out a message to the person/s she is cheating with that they have a wonderful relationship (if they are on FB too?)

I had this once with my serial cheat ex. There was suddenly an end of conversation posted on his FB wall by a woman (as if they had just been talking on chat and cut off, so she carried on talking on his wall instead.) Think it was her way of making it clear that she was with him!

chubbymummy · 01/07/2014 22:12

Well in that case it's not the same status I've seen and there's clearly an anniversary gush fest going on on Facebook tonight.
I think some people are being very unfair to the OP. This thread isn't about her decision to stay with her husband and even if it was she has every right to be angry that the OW's life and relationship hasn't been affected by the affair while OP's marriage is tarnished by it.

Lweji · 01/07/2014 22:19

But apparently her marriage has improved because of the affair. Or hasn't it?

Just saying that if there is that much stored up anger towards this woman, that not everything is quite alright.
Or the OP will do better in letting go of it regarding the woman, as she apparently did with her OH. Instead, I get the impression that she has misdirected anger, which is not healthy for the OP.

Simplesusan · 01/07/2014 22:39

Yep I agree with lweji .

How come the fb man cannot feel more in love with his wife after her affair, the op does.

Are you secretly resentful that the affair may have strengthened their marriage, or did you hope for their marriage to fail whilst yours flourished? Either way I think you need to let it go.

tribpot · 01/07/2014 22:41

I think poor old FB man is still in ignorance of his wife's 'outpouring of affection' for all and sundry.

Xcountry · 01/07/2014 22:49

wooft, you are holding it in better than I would. if someone ever dtd with my hubby behind my back id have dumped a few tonnes of manure on their doorstep by now. And he would have been fed to the pigs.

Original poster
PTFsWife · 01/07/2014 22:56

I honestly don't know whether or not FB man knows.

The reason I still feel anger towards the OW (and I have to emphasise that it's not something that consumes me on a daily basis) is that her life didn't seem to change. She simply seemed to get away with fucking (literally) with someone else's life.

Despite her work finding out about the affair and her fiddling her accounts as a result, she faced no real penalty and was in fact promoted within 6 months. She then tried to lure my husband back in after he made it clear that it was over. She did it in a very conniving way. My husband thankfully has been completely open and honest with me, showed me her letter and together we sent her an email that told her in no uncertain terms to fuck off (without actually saying that.)

I seriously doubt she has told her husband. She confessed to my husband that she had been having another affair with the same bloke for over 8 years, still was when she started her affair with my husband.

During their affair, she wrote emails to my husband about this life she imagined them having together in which her and my children played together. That alone, the fact that she had the gall to imagine a life with my children, makes me spit feathers. I have read all the communications between her and my husband and my husband NEVER encouraged her in these crazy fantasies and I think it was what made him wake up and smell the coffee.

So yes, I do feel anger towards her because she seems to have had her cake and eaten it without any real consequence. Yes, our marriage has strengthened but that's down to our bloody hard work and intense commitment to fixing things. She seems to have blithely continued her happy little life with no repercussions and no upset.

I may be a bad person for wishing her ill. I wish her husband no ill. Or her three children. Hence the fact that I have never said anything to him. But while I may be someone who has managed to save her marriage, I am not a frickin saint. If I want to feel anger towards her, I will.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/07/2014 23:02

Those are more reasons to detach from her.

aurynne · 01/07/2014 23:12

Sorry but I am not sure I understand the difference between your DH and this woman. This woman's husband is married to a cheating bitch, you are married to a cheating bastard. Why is it difficult to believe that both of you may have decided to stay with the cheaters and even believe somehow that your relationship is better now?

aurynne · 01/07/2014 23:13

(by the way, your DH also seems to have had his cake and eaten it without any real consequence... do you really not see the irony?)

Original poster
PTFsWife · 01/07/2014 23:16

Oh FFs. I am so not justifying myself about this again. Believe what you like about me and my marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
PTFsWife · 01/07/2014 23:18

Ps aurynne you have no knowledge of what consequences my husband suffered. I haven't shared them. So please keep your ignorant opinions to yourself.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/07/2014 23:20

You also have no idea what goes on in their marriage.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/07/2014 23:25

Good luck to the bloke. Poor chap

Surely the same could be said of you?

You just don't know whether their marriage has recovered just as yours had, do you?

Seems like she and your dh are pretty much in the same boat.

Can't you just get over it like you have with your dh? It'll be better for your peace of mind.