Has anyone else experienced spousal / loved one abandonment?

[questioninglife]

I am almost 18 months on from my newly married husband just disappearing on me.

I just wanted to know if anyone has ever experienced a loved one just leaving for no reason you can understand?

In my case we were together for three years, married for 5 months and as far as I knew we were not just happy - we were completely happy. I spent months picking over every minute, every email, every moment and can't find anything to indicate it was going to happen. I thought I was his reason for living because he told me I was. All we ever did was have fun and be happy. It's so difficult to understand.

He's not a bastard, he was a perfectly normal man with a normal relationship history who is good friends with all his exes. He comes from a good family. He's intelligent and usually very kind and thoughtful - which was why I married him.

Aside from him being ill with depression I can't come up with anything at all to explain why he did this. His depression was not that severe as far as I know. He only had a couple of weeks of work with it, but I hear from friends he is still being treated for it.

He just left. I mean, literally walked out the door to get some fags and never came back again. The next day after a frantic night he sent a text to say he was sorry, he didn't love me anymore and could not continue.

After that, he acted like I had never existed at all. It was like he erased me and his family erased me too even thought we were all very close. Looking back I don't know how I survived it. I kept thinking it was a joke.

I went through the full rollercoaster at the time. Disbelief, shock, depression of my own, anger. It felt like I cried for a year. He would not even talk to me, would not even really explain.

Eventually I picked myself up and got on with life. I got my dream job. I moved closer to friends. I lost weight and took up the gym. I travel and I have a very fun life. I have even dated people and have liked one or two a lot. I have had counselling and talked it all out with real life friends.

It's just that sometimes I find myself crying for no apparent reason, which happened today. I feel like in order to survive it I had to close off a bit of myself. Almost like I don't remember he ever existed at all to begin with.

I feel like I was denied a "normal" end to a marriage. He just abandoned me. He was supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world, and then he did that.

I just wanted to know if anyone else had ever been through something like this?

I had this too.

The emotional swing between devestated and bloody fuming was surprisingly extreme. It actually shocked me.

I remember having moments where I would just burst into tears, not knowing what the hell was going to happen or even how and then, the next second, being so angry. So very, very angry..I'm almost certain it was the anger that got me through it and gave me the determination I have now. On the downside though, it will be a very long time before I will ever live with someone again. I'm not sure I could risk going through all that again.

Days all blurred into each other and then weeks...for months I couldn't tell you what the day was or plan 30 seconds into the future, never mind anything else.

People saying "Be kind to yourself" may be patronising at times, but bloody hell it's true. You really do need to spoil yourself and let soo many things slide during this time. It can all be fixed and picked up again at a later date, but right now, you need to just do what your mind and body tell you, and it will be screaming at you.

Did anyone else experience them saying after they left that they'd beeun unhappy for ages, and coming up with reasons (in my case really trivial ones) that they'd never mentioned before? Almost like they were recreating history?

In my case he'd told me he was so happy, that I was his world, I was the best wife ever, he could not live without me etc. about a week before.

Then suddenly he'd been unhappy for ages and trying to put up with me!

Totally mystifying. The reasons he gave, as I said, were totally ridiculous.

If he did I don't remember to be totally honest. I'm not sure if I gave him the chance too, but I don't remember much about that time really. Just the major things, not the conversations.

I do know he has a new girlfriend and if the story he fed me when we first go together is anything to go by, I will have been painted as the wicked witch of the west and a spendaholic.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he has told her I was reckless with money as that's what he told his mum. He used the excuse to me, that his ex ran up £1000's in debt and didn't tell him, just upped and left and he lost the house and the cars...nope. It was the other way around.

My ex was terrible with money too. Liked the nicer things in life but wasn't prepared to work hard to pay for them (opposite of me). So ran up debt, some of which I paid off for him.

He was lazy, both professionally and around the house. Had a strained relationship with his family. Had friends but was lazy at keeping in touch.

That said, he did also have some good qualities. I just can't help feeling a bit like I was a meal ticket now.

He said he'd been having doubts for a year but during that time was happy to accept a lump sum from me to pay off credit card bills and also let me pay all bills and the mortgage (so he could use his salary towards paying down his debts). But apparently he'd been having doubts all that time. It sound terrible when I put it down in black and white like that, doesn't it?

He made up lots of silly reasons as to why we should finish yes. Said stuff to me like he didn't think we really got on. When I pointed out that we did get on and hardly argued, he said 'oh but I don't argue with anyone'. So apparently we had been together for over 10 years but didn't even get on. It was perplexing and really confusing at the time but now I don't give a flying f**k what he thinks.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he has told her I was reckless with money as that's what he told his mum. He used the excuse to me, that his ex ran up £1000's in debt and didn't tell him, just upped and left and he lost the house and the cars...nope. It was the other way around.

Mine did exatly the same!!!! My best friends and family knew I was always complaining he was reckless with money and got us into debt, yet he told everyone else the opposite was true!!!

I'm not sure if my ex was rewriting history or just going through some elaborate self-justification process but he went from daily 'I love yous' and 'let's try for a baby' to .... 'I've been unhappy for a long time' in the space of two weeks. And one of the (many and imaginative) reasons he was unhappy?.... wait for it... 'the way you dry your hair'. FWIW I do not have elaborate hair or idiosyncratic drying regimes....

I think making up silly reasons/excuses is justifying in their own heads why they are doing something horrible. They go into self preservation mode and say anything to justify putting their own wants above all else. Perhaps it's just part of breaking up.

I do feel my ex re-wrote history though. And it's made me re-write our history too, a bit. It's hard to look back on out time together fondly, even though there were good times. That makes me sad as it was a big part of my life.

According to the divorce papers:

Did not introduce him to a visitor when at work. This upset him.

Used the internet on a specific date rather than talking to him, 15 months ago. Yes, 15 months ago! According to my diary, we went out for drinks and had a chinese takeaway afterwards. I've checked.

Asked him if he was having an affair. This hurt him.

Shouted at him in front of friends and family. Don't remember doing this but hey ho.

Was unsympathetic to his dick not working for the last few weeks.

Only had sex with him once in March.

Quite a bitch, me!

As for him:

Good with money. Debt averse. Good personal hygiene, plays a lot of sport. Not particularly materialistic. Gets on with people. Witty, funny. Intelligent. Educated with two degrees. Never climbed the career ladder though.

BUT brought up in care. Walked out on first marriage after child was born. Avoids taking responsibility wherever possible. Hates conflict but will always not get on with someone at work - has to have an enemy. Prone to arrogance and increasingly judgemental as he ages.

And a limp dick!

How can he say you were unreasonable not having sex with him if he couldn't get it up?!

Oh yeah that's another thing, I didn't have much sex with my ex. I tried time and time again to address this, to try and talk about and was continually told that I wasn't to worry about it. Then when we are splitting up it transpires this is a problem for him after all. Although we did have sex in the morning the day he left me, which was a nice thing for him to do.

With mine it was:

1. I had a friends who'd called a few times in the night when her Dad died which had disturbed his sleep.

1. I hadn't come to his works Christmas night out.

1. I wasn't as happy as i used to be since we relocated.

It was all on those lines. Nothing that was a marriage ender. Nothing he'd ever raised as a problem even once.

Could it be that some of these men haven't the first clue about how to talk about a minor niggle when it happens? I had a flatmate who lost his temper with the rest of us one day and then came out with all kinds of small things that had annoyed him on different occasions for the previous three months and that he had never said a word about at the time. It was all so trivial, but most people say something at that moment and problem solved.

Yes, mine could not raise minor niggles with anyone ever. Regardless of the setting or who it was. He didn't bitch about it either...I would say to him "isn't that upsetting you?" and he'd shrug.

Apparently I was "insular"

And his kids liked his potential new girlfriend (actual GF now I think). Oh and she was a strong wind and he had to go in her direction. [hmmm]

Yeah.. It's funny now . But a serious headfuck at the time. And similar to a poster above, it didn't stop him having sex with me whilst saying ta-ra chuck .

Fuck em

My major flaw was that I didn't trust him enough. Oh the irony of that given that he'd buggered off and had an affair!! I saw him 2 days after he flitted (and this is the last time I saw him) and he kindly presented me a list of my faults. He was not there to discuss why he'd buggered off with NO explanation, but wanted to discuss why my behaviour had triggered his. So he kindly presented me with a list of my pros and cons on a piece of paper.

I was utterly blindsided by him.

I really think the best attitude with these types, ultimately, is indifference. It renders them powerless. It's not easy, and I'm almost there 2 years down the line. But I still have angry days.

I am going to face my H in a courtroom within a month. Dreading it.

I'm not sure if you really want to know Amazonion but you asked what they were like as men in general.

Well my DH was terribly caring, wouldn't let me do a thing for myself. Very bad with money. Creepily close to his his mother. Unhygienic. Very green (young, naive). Amazingly good housekeeper/cleaner. Not at all confident or assured. Worried a lot. No ambition whatsoever.

And similar to a PP, yes he was obsessively in love with me. He sat and watched me do my full face of make-up one morning and when I asked why he said he just finds me so beautiful and loves me so much that he couldn't help watching... three days later, gone.

Same with mine. Used to sit watching me, always touching me, could not keep his hands off me, obsessively in love, could not do enough for me - then boom - gone.

Mine used to watch me sleep whilst kneeling on the floor on my side of the bed. Scared the shit out of me when I woke up to him staring at me a few inches away.

WellWhoKnew and UnlikelyAmazonian I cannot thank you enough for your posts. I've been repeating lines from them all weekend like a mantra and it has honestly helped me so much. I feel like I'm getting through this and coping so much better with you behind me. And thank you for starting this thread and allowing me to post on it QuestioningLife. I really wish you all the best and hope you come to find peace and forgiveness in the years to come. You women are astounding

Yes, thank to all. I am going to read it al over again and listen to the words of wisdom from others.

The thread has brought it all back to me. It's been a very hard weekend.

It's funny that as much as I hate what he did, I still can't help remember the person I loved and married and I miss that person all the time.

Yeah, I miss that person as well. It's so hard to believe that they have done this much damage because we didn't know them as bad people.

Glad you started this thread though. Thanks.

Thank to you all