Has anyone else experienced spousal / loved one abandonment?

[questioninglife]

I am almost 18 months on from my newly married husband just disappearing on me.

I just wanted to know if anyone has ever experienced a loved one just leaving for no reason you can understand?

In my case we were together for three years, married for 5 months and as far as I knew we were not just happy - we were completely happy. I spent months picking over every minute, every email, every moment and can't find anything to indicate it was going to happen. I thought I was his reason for living because he told me I was. All we ever did was have fun and be happy. It's so difficult to understand.

He's not a bastard, he was a perfectly normal man with a normal relationship history who is good friends with all his exes. He comes from a good family. He's intelligent and usually very kind and thoughtful - which was why I married him.

Aside from him being ill with depression I can't come up with anything at all to explain why he did this. His depression was not that severe as far as I know. He only had a couple of weeks of work with it, but I hear from friends he is still being treated for it.

He just left. I mean, literally walked out the door to get some fags and never came back again. The next day after a frantic night he sent a text to say he was sorry, he didn't love me anymore and could not continue.

After that, he acted like I had never existed at all. It was like he erased me and his family erased me too even thought we were all very close. Looking back I don't know how I survived it. I kept thinking it was a joke.

I went through the full rollercoaster at the time. Disbelief, shock, depression of my own, anger. It felt like I cried for a year. He would not even talk to me, would not even really explain.

Eventually I picked myself up and got on with life. I got my dream job. I moved closer to friends. I lost weight and took up the gym. I travel and I have a very fun life. I have even dated people and have liked one or two a lot. I have had counselling and talked it all out with real life friends.

It's just that sometimes I find myself crying for no apparent reason, which happened today. I feel like in order to survive it I had to close off a bit of myself. Almost like I don't remember he ever existed at all to begin with.

I feel like I was denied a "normal" end to a marriage. He just abandoned me. He was supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world, and then he did that.

I just wanted to know if anyone else had ever been through something like this?

I know him being on an OD site is painful (mine did the same and I checked his join dates and it was literally days after leaving me) but I think there's two points I can make with hindsight.

The first is that they are clearly feeling desperate. Almost as if there is a void to fill and they need to do it quickly. It's very weird behavior but if you consider the mechanics of it it's almost like they are expecting meeting someone knew to help them erase history and forget who they really are and what they have done.

The second is that the more wanky stuff mine did to me, as hideous as it was, it helped me to let go and give up -which I needed to do.

Like wellwhoknew I was hundreds of miles from family and a fair journey from friends to when the bastard did what he did to me (I relocated for his job about a year before he pulled this stunt) and it was horrible.

At two weeks your still in shock. This lasted six months for me. It takes such a long time to even begin to accept the reality for the exact reason that it is "unbelievable".

People will give you lots of advice - but probably like me you will need to work through this in your own time and in your own way. I don;t regret ringing him and begging down the phone (although everyone warned me not to) and I don't regret taking him back and trying to fix it (although everyone was furious with me) and the reason I don't regret those things was from my perspective and my reality I had a husband who I loved so much I could barely breathe and he felt the same. I completely believed in him and in us, and at the worst of times I held true to my vows and to who I was.

Yes, I humiliated myself, but I walked away knowing that:

a. I tried everything I could to prevent what happened from appending.

b. Regardless of how he felt, my love was true and I held on to it when times were at their worst.

c. I may have given away my pride but I never gave away my honour. to me that was always more important.

The ride you have to take now will be the worst of your life, but it will get better and when it's over you will discover strength in yourself that you never knew was there and it will feel like something wonderful. I know how hard it is to imagine that.

This was not said to encourage you to keep trying (trust me, after this sort of betrayal it is utterly futile) but what I am saying is be easy on yourself.

It might feel like a soap opera because of the way he has behaved, but this is real life and real pain that few people could possibly comprehend.

I remember back to those days and it was all-consuming and it ripped at me like a physical onslaught. It's a horrendous kind of loss. You WILL be unstable. Allow yourself to be whatever you need without judgement. What is happening to you is simply terrible.

I have typed, and typed, and retyped something to say tonight. But the hardest part of my story that I have to confront is that my husband did this same thing ten years ago.

One week later, he was 'holy fuck what have I done'. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It took me 18 months to come to terms with it.

All these years later. Here am I again. There is not one week later. I am nine weeks later.

I cannot suspend disbelief anymore. I have to cope. The divorce is the most surreal part. It makes no sense.

AS questioninglife says: it is an endless physical onslaught. My divorce is of comedic proportions.

Except this is no soap opera, Hollywood film or gushing Chick Flick with a happy ending.

I have to just cope with the next bit of news. None of it is welcome.

I just have to cope. I just have to focus on me. I cannot relate my life to his actions now. I just have to focus on working through each day, to have to determine my life next year and fight like fucking fury to make sure it happens.

I have to discard him to do so. This is me or nothing.

I will not be nothing.

But, yes, I cry every day.

The only way I can explain my situation to people is using this analogy.

I have no wish to kill myself. But if I were run over by a bus tomorrow, I would be fine with that.

Although, only if that bus was pilotless and passenger-less. If I died tomorrow, that's okay, but I don't not want anyone else to suffer for it.

Therefore I won't kill myself, because I will not stand in front of the bus. Other people's feelings matter. It matters to me that I can continue to care. That I can continue to ensure that other people don't suffer because of me.

In other words: I will not hurt other people because of his damage. They deserve better despite him. I will look after me and I will look after them, but he can be run over by a bus for all it matters.

Because it would be so much easier for all of us if he had died.

A shit analogy, but that's how I feel.

The difference between you and him is just that. To you - other people's feelings matter.

Abandonment is a horrible thing.

Happened to me. Together 7 yrs, married 5. He walked down the garden path, drove my car to Heathrow, dumped it and got on a plane to Thailand. Not seen him since.

Our son was six months old.

I was fucked.

He left me massively in debt.

I reported him missing...dealt with the bailiffs....dealt with the school..changed nappies, cried buckets of tears, lost 3 stone.

Divorcing him was tricky as had no idea where he lived/was.

Anyway. 6 years on.... You know what? I'm so damn bloody glad he went. Biggest favour he did me and my gorgeous boy.

I had blinkers on and no self-awareness or esteem when I married him. I put up with the following:

He'd had an anal stretch so farted like an elephant with the trots.
He had bad teeth.
He looked at ladyboys online.
He used to wretch changing our son's nappy
He hadn't marked any of his pupil's work at school for a year so screwed them also.
He couldn't dance.
He was clever and knew lots of answers on University Challenge.....
.......but for me, Eastenders was on the other side
When we had a row he would tell me to fuck off then go to the spare room with a tube of lubricant and have a wank.
He was devious and admired cunning.

He was a very good apologist, like most deviants.
He had 'been' every religion under the sun. [ie he had total lack of depth and morals]

These dysfunctional men walk away because they're dysfunctional. Not a lot you can do about that except work out why you married the git in the first place.

They're not interesting, they're not special. They are Nothings. They don't care. They aren't living meaningful lives. They're just the outsiders. On the periphery of the world's axis.

This thread is when I say thank heavens for mumsnet, in these cases sharing helps.

Just wanted to say that this happened to a friend of mine with his girlfriend. Everything was bliss for two years and suddenly she kicked him out without any explanation.

Despite the similarities, not every case is the same. She had been taking anti-depressants, decided to go cold turkey and two weeks later she was no longer in love. At least that is the only sense I can make of it.
But it is very cruel.

Unlikely, when you put it like that, you do sound well rid! It's good to focus on their bad bits and not to make it mean anything about yourself.

I'm really shocked by the amount of stories similar to mine but sharing does really help. I feel a bit of a weight off me, although I am so sorry for all of you too.

Amazonian that really does help, when you say they are nothings. I know my ex is a nothing man. He won't likely ever amount to anything and I wish I hadn't wasted part of my life trying to introduce him to the real world. It's painful in that I believed truly we were in love, and then the next day the whole thing has collapsed and all you're left with is unanswered questions and hurting.

UnlikelyAmazonian another voice agreeing with your wisdom re: the "nothing"ness. I thought I had this deep and intellectual person in my life but actually he was a real empty vessel in the end. There was nothing to him but all his energy went into trying to present to the world that there was. All he was was this empty and dysfunctional person and that's why he had it in him to go.... If he had anything about him he couldn't have done it.

I've been through something kind of similar. My DP and DF walked out two weeks before our wedding.
I've never seen him since. I did speak to him on the phone a lot to start with (begging him back etc) but haven't laid eyes on him since, it's a really weird feeling. I do feel like I suffered a bereavement in some ways.
However his cowardice kind of killed the feelings I had for him and I also got to the point of thinking it was either him or me. It was sink or swim time mentally and emotionally and I decided to swim. There's a Katy Perry song where she says she "looked in the mirror and decided to stay". Well, that.

He left me to call off a wedding and sort out everything myself. Can't get over that, he is so not the man I thought he was.

I feel much happier these days (2 years on) and in a lot of ways like I'm more myself and a stronger person for it. However I do think that I suffered a horrible emotional trauma and I'm still not over that. I date etc but don't let myself get too close to people. At the moment I don't envisage another LTR, it seems too difficult. I hope that will change with time.

Just a comment on the dating site thing. I signed up to Internet dating 10 days after being dumped. I guess that could have been interpreted as being callous, but really I was in a state and also needed the distraction. But I was the dumpee so feel I was perfectly entitled to do that even though it was crazy.

Keep the faith, those of you who are going through hard times with this just now. You WILL come out the other side. Meanwhile these sad little fuckers will carry guilt with them for the rest of their lives, and quite rightly. Of course if you no longer want to be in a relationship you should say so, but there's no need to be so cruel.

Another one here.

My H picked me up from work one day, took me to a cricket match,... but actually we never got to the game. When we got to the car park he told me to get out the car. He wasn't coming home, staying at a friends, but I had to get out the car there and then.

He then drove off, leaving me alone in a car park in the centre of town. My Dad came and took me home, and we discovered my H had moved himself out of 'our' house. Neighbours told me he'd had a removal van on the drive during that day.

I have only seen him once since. There was of course an OW,... all this unravelled hellishly like a bad dream over the weeks after he'd left.

I found out after he'd left I was pregnant. I now have a beautiful 15 month baby boy.

I found the 'Abandoned wives' book by Vicki Stark (?) very useful.

Best thing that ever happened to me. Though obviously it was awful at the time.

Why was he so loving before, so attentive, so devoted, such an amazing husband?

Because he wanted me. He wanted me to love him. He wnated my affection, my attention, my devotion and to have me as his woman. Because he wanted me so much, he acted accordingly to get what he wanted.

Why did he just walk away, suddenly change overnight and leave a happy marriage?

Because he decided he no longer wanted me. No longer wanted me to love him. No longer wanted my affection, attention or devotion.

It just came to me that this is the ultimate answer. He did not have the capacity in him to consider me as an equal partner in the marriage because he did not give a shit about anyone but himself. When he decided for whatever reason (in his case he was depressed and fancied being isolated) he walked about without giving a flying fuck. And the reason he could do that was because he was (deep down under all the kindness, romance and cheap words) the most selfish person I have ever, EVER met.

Everything that was "good" about him was an act he was putting on. It wasn't genuine. He felt no remorse about the pain he put me through, despite years spent together sharing life's experiences because he was a shallow bastard.

The reason I never saw it was because he said / did / acted in exactly the way to MAKE me love him, to MAKE me need him because he WANTED that. Not saying he was "acting", he genuinely felt the desire to do those things - but it was for selfish reasons. He never evolved from that infatuation state to truly deep love, of the kind that I had for him, because he does not and never will have the capacity to feel that for anyone at all

behind the "Mr Nice Guy" facade lurks something else, and it's a lot less than meets the eye.

Good riddance, you pathetic fuck. And for the pain you caused me - thank you. You proved to me that I know how to love people. Which makes me a better human being than you will ever be.

You proved to me that I know how to love people

This! This! It validates us as human beings. We can't understand them because they are the abnormal ones.

I am a good friend, I am kind to animals, loyal to my friends, happily give up my time to help others, grateful for what I have in life, I like respecting people, I like learning about others way of life. I am also quite a high-achiever in life. I do things that scare other people (hell they scare me too) but I do it anyway.

I have achieved a lot in life - because of me.

I want to scream at him: You did this to me because you knew I'd cope with it. You are a coward. I could not live with myself being you.

Yes, truthfully, I could not live with myself if I was him. you have to pity them really.

Him? He only cares people don't know what a twat he is. What everyone thinks of him is of paramount importance. The lies I have seen him tell in the wake of this have been breathtaking.

He went to great lengths to allude to everyone we knew that I was well aware our marriage was in crisis and that he had tried everything he could to get me to work on it but I'd refused. He cried in his parents house with his head in his hands and said "Mum, I've done everything I can to make this marriage work" and they fucking well believed him. He did the same with some of our friends too.

If any of them knew he had never, not once had an argument with me about anything, alluded in any way to being unhappy or anything else of the kind they would probably die of shock.

At first I wondered how on earth they believed him. It made me think, how could these people who have known me for years think I would make this up?

Then after a year or so I thought about it and figured if I was in their position, you have two perfectly normal people....his story was that we had ongoing problems that we hid from everyone and my story was that we were completely happy and he left like a bolt from the blue. I guess it's obvious why some people believed his bull shit.

I do have written evidence, recordings, text messages etc. that show the real truth without question. I did show to a few select people, and they were horrified to see every word of my story was true. I could show it to everyone - but what would be the point?

Truth was, I thought I had the best, most solid marriage to a man who was insanely in love with me until the day he left.

Sorry, I got all angry tonight. I hardly ever get angry anymore but felt the most unbelievable urge to smash his face in!

Would like to smash all your guy's faces as well actually! You all seem great, so glad I posted this thread. You all seem loving / normal / good people and that makes me feel less defective, like I somehow deserved this. Hearing about what they did to you is so familiar. Some of the thoughts you post are like they were plucked from my own head. Thanks for making me feel less alone.

This rush of anger feels good...I think it's the first time I have really felt that. Before this it was always sad rather than angry. I never really got angry with him. Made excuses for him no matter what he did. Presumably because I could not believe there wasn't a great explanation because I loved and trusted him so much.

This thread has switched my mind a bit to realising he was, ultimately, just an arsehole.

Glad you posted this thread too - it is so hard having to deal with this. But there is no other option.

I have a theory that these cowards attach themselves to confident, accomplished woman, because it makes them feel okay.

Then, of course, they resent your success, your accomplishments, your outlook on life - anything you do well, because it reinforces their inadequacy.

And so they then turn their feelings onto you, try to bring you down to their level.

Because that's the only thing that's going to make them feel okay.

We just have to deal with it, and then focus on making ourselves successful, accomplished woman again. That is all we can do.

They have done the worst of damage to us. We have to survive - and we can thrive because we don't know how not to. Because, the greatest insult has been handed to us: that they have deemed us unloveable.

Except we aren't.

A coward is a coward is a coward. We're getting through this because we aren't cowards. Hurt, yes. Scared, yes. But determined to survive.

Kind of makes us very brave, really. Something they will never experience.

Great post :) xx

WellWhoKnew when I was in the midst of splitting up with my ex he actually said to me he thought I'd be much better at being on my own/without him than vice versa. In the subsequent 2 years I have thrived. He is back living with his parents, hardly sees his friends. A bit pathetic really. But it was like he could justify putting my mental health at stake because he thought I would cope.

And the last post WellWhoKnew, awesome. And I totally get it. Again my ex and I...I dragged him along, I was the accomplished, successful, popular one. I paid his way, gavd him a much higher standard of living than he would have had. Paid off debt for him. Etc etc. Yet still he fucking dumps me. No wonder I don't want another relationship!

It helped me to imagine a massive pair of really sharp scissors and to cut around him . Cut him
Completely out of my life and then try to stitch the gap as possible. Leaves a scar but it's doable.

I totally agree with wellwhoknew. The shits believe you're so strong and centred that you will manage and survive. Basically you can look after yourself because they are so bloody wrapped up in themselves and getting what they want - they literally can't spare you an iota of their thoughts.

The crying stops after a while and you do survive (stay away from speeding buses). But the sadness remains. All those memories and places and smells and shared experiences.

Hope you channel your anger and look forwards a bit today . Sorry he did this to you.

Great, inspiring post wellwhoknew.

Let me ask you all - what traits did your husbands have?

Did they like the good things in life - fine wine, expensive cars, designer shirts and ties, 'objets d'art' (paintings/scultpures/exhibitions/museums)

Were their friendships poor? Did they hate their mothers?

Did they have good personal hygiene? Did they always pay off their debts and were they sensible with money?

Mine was like this:

• Was a people pleaser to extreme lengths
• Worried constantly about keeping up appearances and being validated by everyone around him
• believed problems went away by ignoring them
• Avoided conflict at all costs
• Lied to get out of trouble
• Ran his life around what his Mum thought
• Was terrified of powerful people (his ex wife, his boss)
• Was terrible with money, consistently got into debt problems

Makes him sound awful, and I didnt see him that way when we were together, only afterwards.

Hey there,

I've ready as many of the posts as possible (there are a lot!) a similar thing happened to me but I wasn't married, I was in a LTR. When my ex walked away I was devastated. Literally felt like my world had collapsed around me. It took me a couple of years to pick myself up. I started doing lots of reading (my kindle was my best friend!) and I started to make sense of a lot of the mess going on in my mind.

The over whelming thing I took away from all the books and on reflecting on my situation is that is had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. Like a lot of posters have said it's a very common thing which happens. Guys just decide one day they want to leave and disappear.

The book I really want to recommend and suggest you read starting from today is called 'Men who can't love' it was brilliant and made a hell of a lot of sense to me. Look up the reviews on amazon. It tells you the psychology behind men and why they do this in the first place...the disappearing act. I guarantee you will read it and identify with a lot of the book and will help you heal. It was the light bulb moment in helping me move on. Another author who is great is Natalie Liu, her online site Baggage reclaim is AMAZING.

Speaking from experience it does get a hell of a lot easier. I have moved on and put the past behind me. I have met some amazing guys and determined to find my 'one' :) xx