Has anyone else experienced spousal / loved one abandonment?

[questioninglife]

I am almost 18 months on from my newly married husband just disappearing on me.

I just wanted to know if anyone has ever experienced a loved one just leaving for no reason you can understand?

In my case we were together for three years, married for 5 months and as far as I knew we were not just happy - we were completely happy. I spent months picking over every minute, every email, every moment and can't find anything to indicate it was going to happen. I thought I was his reason for living because he told me I was. All we ever did was have fun and be happy. It's so difficult to understand.

He's not a bastard, he was a perfectly normal man with a normal relationship history who is good friends with all his exes. He comes from a good family. He's intelligent and usually very kind and thoughtful - which was why I married him.

Aside from him being ill with depression I can't come up with anything at all to explain why he did this. His depression was not that severe as far as I know. He only had a couple of weeks of work with it, but I hear from friends he is still being treated for it.

He just left. I mean, literally walked out the door to get some fags and never came back again. The next day after a frantic night he sent a text to say he was sorry, he didn't love me anymore and could not continue.

After that, he acted like I had never existed at all. It was like he erased me and his family erased me too even thought we were all very close. Looking back I don't know how I survived it. I kept thinking it was a joke.

I went through the full rollercoaster at the time. Disbelief, shock, depression of my own, anger. It felt like I cried for a year. He would not even talk to me, would not even really explain.

Eventually I picked myself up and got on with life. I got my dream job. I moved closer to friends. I lost weight and took up the gym. I travel and I have a very fun life. I have even dated people and have liked one or two a lot. I have had counselling and talked it all out with real life friends.

It's just that sometimes I find myself crying for no apparent reason, which happened today. I feel like in order to survive it I had to close off a bit of myself. Almost like I don't remember he ever existed at all to begin with.

I feel like I was denied a "normal" end to a marriage. He just abandoned me. He was supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world, and then he did that.

I just wanted to know if anyone else had ever been through something like this?

I know how you feel - not exactly the same but I thought I had a perfect and amazing marriage only to find out last summer that my husband had been having an affair for almost a year. He then convinced me that we would work it out and went to counselling, made future plans only for him to say 'out of the blue' that he wasn't happy and left hd next day. That was 5 months ago. I have no doubt that if I hadn't discovered his affair he would have just upped and left one day and I would never have known why.

Although I believe he left for the other woman he has also changed his mind various times: he still loves me, he never loved me, he misses being a family, he likes being single etc. I too feel cheated out of the chance to work on my marriage and never really be given an explanation as to why he ended our marriage - I don't think he really knows himself.

It leaves you questioning so much, your past and your future and gives you a different view of the world. Myself and others thought he maybe had a brain tumour as his behaviour was so out of character! I would cut all contact if I could but have a young dd so see him frequently.

I highly recommend runaway husbands - so much in that book rings true and you realise it's their problem and not yours. It's so cowardly and one of the worst things you can do to someone in my opinion. It sounds like you've really moved on like I'm trying to x

OP, I'm so sorry. You must be still grieving the unexpected and unexplained loss. It's like suddenly died.

I had a couple of friends who I thought were close friends disappearing from my life like that without explanation. It's an awful feeling. And I agree that it can make you a bit paranoid around people. You will never know what you did wrong, so you are just left speculating no end about what could have gone wrong, especially if no argument or signs were given that they were upset.

In the case of a partner doing that, you can only conclude that they've either extremely immature or not mentally stable. I can't find another explanation for it.

The shock of going from living together to being completely alone is still the worst for me. All the things, traditions, rituals you used to do together that are now meaningless. It's very heavy-going and I agree with PP it is like they have died except that you sometimes get glimpses of their 'new' life which hurts more. I am beyond sorry that all of you have experienced this kind of abandonment, you are incredible women for picking yourselves up and carrying on. I'm only 2 weeks in and I read things like this to give myself hope that it gets better.

Oh and in my opinion, there is always someone else involved. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but a friend, a well-meaning family member, a random story they've read somewhere that inspires them to leave.

A similar thing happened to me- although we weren't married. He just disappeared one day after an eight year relationship and never explained.

This was eight years ago now and despite being married and having a child on the way I still have the occasional day of thinking about it and wondering why.

I can't recommend therapy enough. All I will say is that all these years and much therapy later I have accepted that I will never know and that even if I did, it wouldn't do any good or erase all the pain. I think for the first 2 or 3 years I was expecting an explanation and an apology to come one day... But it never did and I was naive to ever hope for it.

I didn't think if ever be happy again but I really am now and it's absolutely honest when I say I'm grateful he went... After all if he was capable of that he could have ended up doing it when we had a child. I also never thought I'd love anyone as much again but I love my DH even more.

You will be okay and you're better off without someone who could do that.

Not nastypasty what you said I too feel cheated out of the chance to work on my marriage and never really be given an explanation as to why he ended our marriage - I don't think he really knows himself. It leaves you questioning so much, your past and your future and gives you a different view of the world. Myself and others thought he maybe had a brain tumour as his behaviour was so out of character!

is exactly how I feel and what happened. Maybe mine wasn't having an affair, but I thin k he would have been if someone had come up. I did suggest he get tested for brain tumour too.

Amengirl I know that seems like the way it is, but honestly, we share all the same friends, our families are close. I investigated like a putlizer prize winner. No one knew he was going to do it. He didn't even know himself. He said he decided the moment he did it. Like a snap of some sort. He told his best friend everything and never mentioned any sort of unhappiness. As far as everyone knew he was as happy as I thought he was. His best friend is still none the wiser and in complete disbelief. Everyone still is. It's a head scratcher.

thanks tiawalters

Cogito You're absolutely right. The monthly calls need to stop. He is dead I suppose.

Thanks Somewhatdizzy. Yes, I am in touch enough to know it was better now than if we had a child. I know that I was fortunate to find out he was capable of it after a few months instead of 30 years. I know all of that, but like you say, I feel like it will always haunt me and never make sense. It has changed the way I think and feel about everything.

Thank you to those telling me they have experienced similar. It makes me feel less tainted or something to know there are others out there. I keep feeling like everyone thinks it was me - sometimes I think that myself. Totally lost track of it all.

Did I imagine my life? you know?

Did I imagine my life? you know?

That's it exactly. That is how I wake up and walk through each and every day. One of the many difficult parts to cope with right now is the fact that even when I do sleep, the dreams are too real, that it hits me day after day.

Yes, the brain tumour thing has been mooted here as well.

But when I'm in an angry mode, I think of it like this:

For years, those men who deserted their posts during the war were treated as shameful, as cowards and as something not worthy of life. Whilst, I don't view those men like that - I recognise they could not and did not believe in fighting that war, and perhaps were genuinely scared of injury and death. And who come blame them?

The man who did this to me was not fighting a war, nor was I the enemy. We were, I believed, on the same side. He is a deserter of the worst kind:a deceitful coward of the man, who is not respectable, honourable nor admirable in anyway

He will never get another second of my life again.

Yes, I know all that's true, but it begs the question of the years you spent loving them thinking they were someone else.

I feel robbed of my life, of my memories and of the happiest times of my life. Like my wedding day.

I know shit happens. I do understand it and allowing helps no one. I do get on with life - I force myself even when I don't feel like it. It's just that it's not what you expect to ever happen.

You think even death is a possibility. There's a system for it. Not for this.

Yeah, struggling with that bit myself. How did I not notice this was possible before?

I've said a hundred times in the last two months: this would be so much easier if he'd just died. That way, I could rationalise it and be sad. But it feels so wrong to be sad, to mourn what we 'had', since clearly we didn't have that.

I wish I had an answer. The think I'm comforting myself with is that I knew my feelings were genuine, and that I have that capacity to give, love and respect others. I am not going to let him damage that - is something I'm promising myself at the moment. I guess some people are just constructed radically differently to the vast majority.

It doesn't make it easy though. It kills your self-esteem.

Gee my typing has gone to pot in the last few days as well:

think: thing

It happened to me. 4.5 years ago my fiancé walked out 5 weeks before the wedding. I fell apart and was totally broken. I then ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, as he was so different from my ex fiancé that I thought it must be better. As time goes on I have slowly got on with life, but the hurt and pain is still there. Although life goes on, i suspect I will always carry hurt and questions over what happened. In some ways the fact that I thought I knew him and trusted him 100% makes me think that I am stupid and that there must have been signs, but I really don't think there was- we were so happy and he kept telling me how happy he was.

Wellwhoknew I've said a hundred times in the last two months: this would be so much easier if he'd just died. That way, I could rationalise it and be sad. But it feels so wrong to be sad, to mourn what we 'had', since clearly we didn't have that.

It's an awful thing to think and I hate myself for it by I do have the same thought. Then I think I'd never really wish that, it would just be easier to understand maybe. But I don't think better...I loved him...I would have been sad for much longer if he'd died. what I really wish is that he'd not fecking done it! Not that he'd told me he was unhappy and why before he did it.

Taz, I'm so sorry, but thank you for posting. It's amazing even here how many people this has happened to!

I feel so sad to hear of all these stories. I can't begin to imagine how that must feel like, to have someone walk out if your life one day with no warning. It is like a bereavement, only worse as you are left with so many unanswered questions that will never be answered and I can totally understand how that would affect your ability to trust again. The only thing I can say is to get that it's not about you. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it and it doesn't mean anything about you or your innate loveability or worth. All you can do is give it time and not extrapolate to all men. Hard tho. Hugs and respect to all of you.

Lovely message scarlet

Yes, love, thank you Scarlet xx

I know someone who did this to his girlfriend. They lived together with her daughter and had been together for several years. They even worked for the same company. She had sold her house to relocate with him which meant that her daughter had to change school. Some time after the relocation, having let her buy a new house that he was living in with her, he decided that he didn't want to be with her anymore but he couldn't face the fall out if he told her. So, he got a new job and had to work a 3 month notice period. He didn't tell her about the new job. He bought a big car and told her he had bought the car to be able to ferry her horse stuff around. However, in reality, the car was bought so that he could pack his gear into it.

He finished his old job (never telling her that he was working his notice), woke up one morning, had sex with her and waved her off to work. Once she had left for work he packed his stuff and wrote her a note to say that he had left. He refused to answer any of her calls and never spoke to her again.
He felt no guilt.

Basically, he did it that way because he was a coward. No other reason. In general, he is a person that has no empathy.

My friend's dad did this.
She was an only child, totally doted on by both parents, such a happy family. I went to her parents 25th wedding anniversary party and he gave a lovely speech about how much in love they still were and how she was his rock. He completely adored his grandson who was about 3 at the time. A few years after this I saw her in town and asked after her family and she broke down and said her Dad had just upped and left and nobody knew where he had gone.

Her mum tracked him down and he couldn't explain what happened, just that he didn't want to be the 'family man' anymore and needed to get away. He's now living on a boat with a much younger woman and has no contact at all with his family. She says she'd prefer it if he'd died. She is in therapy and has depression and is just a shadow of what she used to be.

These stories make me so angry! Why do these men think it's ok to just walk out on their relationships like this with no conversation or explanation? Are they just total cowards? I can understand why someone could feel that they're not happy or can't cope with the responsibility of it all, but to just leave with no conversation about it...?

Can't get my head about it apart from to think that these men are so repressed/ inadequate/ cowardly that they don't know what else to do. Hideous for those left behind tho. Would be easier on them if their partner had just died.

Hi, even though I said it has changed me in that I feel as though it could happen gain, this really doesn't mean I think about it much or I am unhappy. I am very happy and I do not try to make sense of it anymore, I have accepted it has happened and very rarely think about it. I actually only think about it if someone asks (or posts) about it and talking about it does not hurt at all. So apart from being a bit insecure, 8 years later it barely registers, so hope that gives you some hope that things do get easier.

Yes, it's very hard to understand how someone could just go without even any conversation. I guess they are just enormous cowards. I think in my case he definitely did now know what else to do.

I also don't think about it much scooby. It's just that when I do it males me feel like I an watching my life from the outside. I dont think I will ever quite believe it happened. It's still mostly surreal.

Definitely surreal. You just don't know whether to be angry or worried about them, or both, nor not at all. It's a very unfair place to be in, and I realise life is unfair, but this is on a whole new level.

I never know how I'm going to feel about it/him from one day to the next. I am trying to manage my divorce as if he is having an affair, but there's always a niggling doubt - what happens if he's just plain sick in the head. What then?

I'm hoping that time will diminish it as at the moment it dominates almost every waking moment.

I found out 2 years ago that my DP was living with another woman while he was working away. I thought we had a perfect relationship. Adored each other. I found out by chance that he had been livingthis elaborate double life.

I confronted him 6 hours later. I walked away from him and I have not laid eyes on him since after 5+ years together.

It was like he'd died - but with an added layer of utter disbelief.

TBH I don't think I will ever get over it totally.

When I catch myself asking why? when? how? etc etc etc I try and stop myself and say "IT DOESN'T MATTER" because even on the off chance that I found any answers, they would not help me, they would not change anything, and would probably only hurt me more

You have my total sympathy OP x

I'm having a bit of a wobble. Found out tonight my ex who abandoned me 2 weeks ago has been seen on an OD site... I want to be strong and not give a damn but i'm so that it goes against everything I thought I knew...

Amen:

At two weeks, the only people who knew anything at all was MN and my solicitor. At that point, no one else knew. And they only knew on day 10.

The biggest mistake I have made so far: I should have been at my solicitors within 24 hours, and told the world within minutes.

You cannot be 'having a bit of a wobble' at two weeks - this is the point when you need to get yourself a team to walk you forward.

Please, as hard as you will find this (I know first hand), just tell people in real life. I didn't have any friends locally, and my family are far away.

Every day is hard, but every day someone picks me up and walks me five yards.

Five yards is nothing but it is more than I can accomplish on my own.

People are genuine compassionate, and will do their best to help. Please just ask for it.

I too will give you my time. Just PM me - and I'll read. If you want to talk, I'm free all weekend.

Take care.