Us the unfuckables

[ladyeva]

Us who are mortified the old fart or burp slipped out but grateful you pretend nothing happened just like we'be veen doing for years.
Us who don't spend an hour in the bathroom after we had a number 2 anymore pretending to have a little beauty session so you don't know what we've just done.
Us who allow you to see we're human.
Us who sometimes stuff our faces with burgers and chinese takeaways - gone are the days of delicately picking at a bit of seabass.
Us who are not an hourglass size ten anymore either, in fact (oh dear) we've taken to immediately ripping and binning all the new clothes labels that spell the big 14, in case you might notice them.
Us who still look good if we make an effort, but we rarely go out so we rarely do, especially it's a bit more challenging with the frumpy clothes we now own.
Us who don't wear expensive designer clothes like we did when you met us so h&m and m&s it is - although we earn a lot more than you and we could afford it, we've got this stupid habit of thinking of the family budget when we go shopping.
Us who for the same reason don't spend money in beauty salons either or maybe we just haven't got the time, what with looking after a home and running a business.
Us who must have painted you the wrong picture when we met, were we trying to impress you? Or did we just slip into comfort zone because that's what people in loving, caring, fulfilled relationships do.
Us who still find you funny and enjoy putting the world to rights with you, who turn to you for a hug and who know you'd never question us or our decisions - you're our best mate.
Us who really can't remember when our last French kiss ever happened.
Us who used to have naughty dreams about you in which you've now been replaced mostly with our exes.
Us who still fancy you, although your skin is a bit saggy and your legs are scrawny but you got a pot belly and above all despite the skid marks we/ve once seen.
Us who still cuddle next to you in bed in the best pair of knickers we have only to see you stretch and mutter a "night night" whilst pushing your head as far from us as possible.
Us who can't manage the crash of the high hopes we had and go to sleep in the other bedroom while you doze off putting it down to PMT.
Us who are shrewd enough to eliminate the posibillity of an OW but are still left wondering if you are genuinely ill or if you wank in the bathroom. Or maybe we're just ugly.
Us who summoned all the courage we never knew we had to sit you down and talk to you countless times and told you how you destroyed every shred of confidence we had and nothing ever came out of it.

So why won't you fuck us?

Find a way of working on yourself op,many of US are exactly like you but still feel very fuckable.
It's him with the issues not you.
Stope putting so much thought into him and think of yourself for once.

You're possibly over thinking this. I've no idea what you mean.

Are you saying your husband isn't treating you very well? If so, talk to him in the first instance. Or is this too simplistic and you prefer to think about this in a rather melodramatic fashion?

I agree, time to get a little selfish and some some money at the beauty salon and on clothes if you want to. You dont need his permission. Try an evening class and get out of the house once a week. He will notice when you are not there.

I think if you have issues in your marriage, then you need to sit down and decide what your next move is.

Or are you writing a novel?

Yes spend money on yourself - having children does not mean you shouldn't!!

You are obviously quite upset about this. You can't change your husband but you can change your own responses.

lady I'm not very good with the tea and sympathy so forgive me

Get a grip, woman!

You can't speak for the 'Us' you can only speak for you. It doesn't have to be like this...

I mean, what you're describing does sound like most of my marriage, with the exception of the me still fancying him... but having got rid of him, I've realised I'm lovely! I'm 2 stone heavier and 20 years older than I was 20 years ago, but I've realised I'm more attractive than I was then.

Yes, we all slip into the 'comfort zone' but that doesn't mean we have to lose ourselves, lose interest in ourselves... You paint yourself in a very unattractive light and so you clearly don't feel attractive. If you don't think you're attractive, how is someone else going to?

If you think your clothes are frumpy, why do you buy them?

I don't subscribe to the 'beauty' thing generally - I never go to the salon, I've never worn designer clothes, so I don't place any value on them. But you clearly do on some level...

So if getting your hair done, or a trip to the salon, or making a bit of a fuss of yourself is important to you, then do it!

Choose one of those comments and today to something to change it. Any of them. Just pick one...

My affirmation for today is: Every thought I think is creating my future. The universe totally supports everyt thought I choose to think and believe. I have unlimited choices about what I think. I choose balance, harmony and peace and I express it in my life.

(I personally think affirmations are a bit but I'm actually finding it rather helpful...)

.. Am so lost with all that

And for god sake don't lump US all in together! Eek!

But OP has talked to him, and come up with nothing!

Are you in a sexless marriage? Lots of people are.

Sorry, that was shorter than I intended. You aren't alone in this, there's whole web communities out there for people in sexless marriages.

It wasn't what people like "us" signed up for, was it? And the solutions are all so unsatisfactory.

You need to talk to him honestly.
Does he have erection problems? He could just avoid it out of pride.
His libido could have gone.
For both, he could seek medical help.
Or he could have gone off you. It happens, but it doesn't mean you have to stay in that relationship. It could give you freedom to seek a more fulfilling partner.

Btw, talking is not only you complaining and him promising to make an effort.
There need to be boundaries established and courses of action. He needs to talk to you honestly too.
Maybe in counselling.

Its soul destroying. Do you feel any better for writing it all down?
Check his internet history, you might find the answer there.

You say that you've 'shrewdly eliminated the possibility of an OW', OP, but have you really ruled it out?

What does your husband say when you bring up these things with him?

I find your post a bit confused as it seems to be humorous but it isn't, it's very sad. I think that the best thing to do is to take stock of what you want to change about yourself, buy nicer, more modern clothes if that's what will help - take care of any beauty regimes that you are interested in and build them into a routine. Raise your endorphin levels at the gym or walking, swimming, laughing with friends...

And then, when you're emotionally up to it... take stock of your husband; review his attention to your straight talking and telling him of your unhappiness with the status quo - and see how he measures up against your redefined self and sense of self. You may find that he doesn't reach your expectations any longer and you no longer want to try so hard to please him.

I agree, what's with the 'us'??? You're talking about yourself.

You sound like you need to work on your self-esteem, as the most important thing. You say you feel frumpy, overweight and unattractive, why don't you do something about it? You don't have to wear cheap clothes and no make-up and being older doesn't automatically equal fat and frumpy either - how about you take some pride in your appearance again? Its not shallow or selfish to care about how you look. I know there are women out there who manage to feel good about themselves without making an effort with their appearance, but for many women how they look is an essential part of how they feel.

So, put your marriage to one side for a bit and start focusing on yourself. Go out for a brisk walk every day. Buy yourself a few new things that you know you look good in. Dig out your old make-up and chuck it out, then go and buy some nice new stuff. Buy yourself a lovely new perfume. Book a haircut/colour/whatever you know will make you look and feel good. Go and have a mani/pedi. Book a facial. And then see how you feel.

And while you're investing in yourself, go and get some really good, supportive underwear. A properly fitting bra that lifts and shapes will do wonders for your figure and self esteem. Some shape-wear for tummy, bottom and thighs can be pretty magical too. Also, look into Weight Watchers and Slimming World. A supportive group of people all with the same goal can be really effective for aiding weight loss.

Op, I think you have some problems in your probably long-term marriage from some of the lines, why not post more directly about these?

I am quite wobbly and not very young and still have a good romantic life, it isn't inevitable but it is very common, there have been loads of threads on it over the years.

This is quite a sad post, what would you like to happen?

I apologise if I offended anyone, the reason why I said "us" is because I thought maybe I am not the only one going through this. I did not mean to "lump everyone in together".
I wrote it like this because it felt easier.

I completely understand you Op, you have not offended anyone. There are a lot of women in the same position as you. Do you feel any better fir writing it down?

Only people who are determined to be offended!

Ladyeva, I did not read your OP as applying to me. Some posters on this thread who are being unnecessarily harsh and to quick to take offence at a poster who is clearly looking for shared experiences and a little sympathy.

It is soul destroying to not feel wanted. Has your dh said about the lack of sex? Are you intimate in other ways, like affection, cuddling?

I wasn't offended, lady, and I hope I didn't come across as such. I'm frustrated for you, on your behalf, that you feel like this.

There are lots of people who feel like this, or similar, (I was one) but it's just so unnecessary. Don't waste any more of your life feeling like this.

As I said, decide you're going to change one thing from the list above, and do it.

When I was 35, I was terrified at the thought that I wasn't even half way through my life, yet, that there was still so much of it left to endure. Now at 39, I'm terrified that I might be and there won't be enough time left to do all the things I want to do.

It makes me so sad to read threads like this because it really doesn't have to be like this. It really doesn't... :)

Ladyeve, It was obvious the 'us' was other women who may be in the same situation and not every bloody last one of 'us'.

Your post was sad, but please do something about yourself and how fed up you feel about yourself. You owe it to you.

Forgot your husband for the time being. Don't pamper yourself for him. Don't buy new clothes to please him. Don't wear make up for him. Do it for you and you only. xxx