Us who are mortified the old fart or burp slipped out but grateful you pretend nothing happened just like we'be veen doing for years.
Us who don't spend an hour in the bathroom after we had a number 2 anymore pretending to have a little beauty session so you don't know what we've just done.
Us who allow you to see we're human.
Us who sometimes stuff our faces with burgers and chinese takeaways - gone are the days of delicately picking at a bit of seabass.
Us who are not an hourglass size ten anymore either, in fact (oh dear) we've taken to immediately ripping and binning all the new clothes labels that spell the big 14, in case you might notice them.
Us who still look good if we make an effort, but we rarely go out so we rarely do, especially it's a bit more challenging with the frumpy clothes we now own.
Us who don't wear expensive designer clothes like we did when you met us so h&m and m&s it is - although we earn a lot more than you and we could afford it, we've got this stupid habit of thinking of the family budget when we go shopping.
Us who for the same reason don't spend money in beauty salons either or maybe we just haven't got the time, what with looking after a home and running a business.
Us who must have painted you the wrong picture when we met, were we trying to impress you? Or did we just slip into comfort zone because that's what people in loving, caring, fulfilled relationships do.
Us who still find you funny and enjoy putting the world to rights with you, who turn to you for a hug and who know you'd never question us or our decisions - you're our best mate.
Us who really can't remember when our last French kiss ever happened.
Us who used to have naughty dreams about you in which you've now been replaced mostly with our exes.
Us who still fancy you, although your skin is a bit saggy and your legs are scrawny but you got a pot belly and above all despite the skid marks we/ve once seen.
Us who still cuddle next to you in bed in the best pair of knickers we have only to see you stretch and mutter a "night night" whilst pushing your head as far from us as possible.
Us who can't manage the crash of the high hopes we had and go to sleep in the other bedroom while you doze off putting it down to PMT.
Us who are shrewd enough to eliminate the posibillity of an OW but are still left wondering if you are genuinely ill or if you wank in the bathroom. Or maybe we're just ugly.
Us who summoned all the courage we never knew we had to sit you down and talk to you countless times and told you how you destroyed every shred of confidence we had and nothing ever came out of it.
So why won't you fuck us?