Us the unfuckables

[ladyeva]

Us who are mortified the old fart or burp slipped out but grateful you pretend nothing happened just like we'be veen doing for years.
Us who don't spend an hour in the bathroom after we had a number 2 anymore pretending to have a little beauty session so you don't know what we've just done.
Us who allow you to see we're human.
Us who sometimes stuff our faces with burgers and chinese takeaways - gone are the days of delicately picking at a bit of seabass.
Us who are not an hourglass size ten anymore either, in fact (oh dear) we've taken to immediately ripping and binning all the new clothes labels that spell the big 14, in case you might notice them.
Us who still look good if we make an effort, but we rarely go out so we rarely do, especially it's a bit more challenging with the frumpy clothes we now own.
Us who don't wear expensive designer clothes like we did when you met us so h&m and m&s it is - although we earn a lot more than you and we could afford it, we've got this stupid habit of thinking of the family budget when we go shopping.
Us who for the same reason don't spend money in beauty salons either or maybe we just haven't got the time, what with looking after a home and running a business.
Us who must have painted you the wrong picture when we met, were we trying to impress you? Or did we just slip into comfort zone because that's what people in loving, caring, fulfilled relationships do.
Us who still find you funny and enjoy putting the world to rights with you, who turn to you for a hug and who know you'd never question us or our decisions - you're our best mate.
Us who really can't remember when our last French kiss ever happened.
Us who used to have naughty dreams about you in which you've now been replaced mostly with our exes.
Us who still fancy you, although your skin is a bit saggy and your legs are scrawny but you got a pot belly and above all despite the skid marks we/ve once seen.
Us who still cuddle next to you in bed in the best pair of knickers we have only to see you stretch and mutter a "night night" whilst pushing your head as far from us as possible.
Us who can't manage the crash of the high hopes we had and go to sleep in the other bedroom while you doze off putting it down to PMT.
Us who are shrewd enough to eliminate the posibillity of an OW but are still left wondering if you are genuinely ill or if you wank in the bathroom. Or maybe we're just ugly.
Us who summoned all the courage we never knew we had to sit you down and talk to you countless times and told you how you destroyed every shred of confidence we had and nothing ever came out of it.

So why won't you fuck us?

Can I ask a direct question? Has anyone here been in a similar situation with their DH, DP etc and if so, has anyone here managed to turn it around?

I honestly cannot think of another answer Folk apart from my husband coming home tonigt and ripping the clothes off me. God, I do sound pathetic.

I was in a similar position. We seperated.

Without him and his negativity bringing me down, I 'found' myself again. I don't buy expensive clothes, I don't wear much make up (usually none), I'm not slim and toned, I'm a curvy, quirky red head.

I have a boyfriend who tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and sweet and lovely.

And, more importantly, I feel more attractive now than I have done in a long time.

I took up new hobbies, started eating differently, tried different exercises...

I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone on a regular basis and became someone who said, "Yes, ok, I'll do that"...

18 months down the line, I'm unrecogniseable if I'm honest with you.

But I don't know how easy it is to change it if the person you're with doesn't enable it.

Ok. I'm going to tell you to do something that I've done myself and I've recommended on other threads.

I opened a word document and called it About Me.

In it, I listed all the good things about myself, or all the things I value and make me who I am.

For things I didn't like, or wanted to change, I still expressed them as positives. So, I didn't do any exercise at the time (I'd done stuff over the years, but wasn't at that point). I thought I'd quite like to start running, so I included: "I run". It wasn't true at the point I wrote it, so I needed to make it true. So I downloaded the couch to 5K podcasts and started running.

It was really good to see how much I do/have/am - to recognise and value all the characteristics, traits, qualities, values that make me, me.

If you start to value yourself and do things for yourself, one of three things will happen...

1. Your husband will re-see the woman he fell in love with and desired and will do so all over again...

2. You will realise that you deserve better than your current life/relationship, leave and meet someone who is going to want to rip your clothes off...

3. You will realise that you deserve better than your current relationship, won't meet anyone else for a while and you'll decide to be single for a while and love it...

There is a 4th option of course. And that is that you don't do anything and nothing changes...

Folk for all your answers
Funny thing is - he tells me I'm beautiful and lovely and amazing and I just can't fault him in any other aspect (not a negative person in the slightest). Basically I have the perfect husband who just won't shag me.

Well in that case, I don't know. Maybe you need to start finding yourself sexy again, then...

Because you describe yourself using such negative language... I'm not sure I'd want to shag someone who talked about themselves that way.

It's that whole "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got". You want things to change? Change them.

When was the last time you both had time away from home/work together? Would a romantic break help?

Funnily enough, next Sunday we are going away for a week. I am dreading it because I don't know how I'll cope with the frustration.

Has the physical side of your relationship ever been good? What about in the early days? It sounds like you are just close friends really.

I agree your post is sad. Surely you can't live like this long-term? It might be a wake-up call to him if you tidy yourself up a bit, start going out a bit, act confident and energetic. If he sits up and notices, great. If not, I would call it a day, especially as you are so young with no children.

Maybe that will be the time to lay your cards on the table (in a non-confrontational way). Tell him how you feel about him but how frustrated you are with the lack of intimacy in your relationship. You've already said that in every other way he is the perfect husband, so tell him that.

I really do wish you all the luck in the world.

It has been good at the beginning (first 2 years) then it faded down (nothing like now), then we had to live apart for about 8 months (work reasons) and after that it was brilliant again (missing each other etc) until about 18 months ago. The only other break we had was when I had the MC, but of course I cannot count this in.
I couldn't bring myself to leave him for this, he is my soul mate. Or at least I believe he is but then he is obviously not telling me the real reason why so maybe we are not even as close as I want to believe. I don't know what to think anymore. Thank you all for all your answers and your help.

You can tell if he fancies you. Does he look at you, make eye contact, exchange little smiles and gazes, touch you? If men fancy you they just do those things. Touch your arm, hand, back as they pass you.
Sometimes Dh and I just catch each other's eye when we are out and it's just that 'between us' moment.
Do you have a laugh, can you talk about things? Don't stop cuddling him- that's really important. That's the physical contact. If you stop that in a no sex spell, I think it would make it even more difficult to get any intimacy back.
Do nice things for yourself and look after yourself and be kind to him. Try and have a good time. You sound so old.

I think that there is a big difference in being made to feel attractive and being made to feel desired. Please stop thinking that you are the one with the problem, because you clearly aren't.

I don't think that you should have a make-over if you aren't a person who feels better for dressing up and wearing make-up. It won't make you feel better and if he rejects you again after you've done that, it may well make you feel even worse. What I do think is that you should stop thinking about him and what it is that he wants, and start thinking about you, and what it is that you want. If he's not willing to address the problem, then you either have to think about whether you need to begin again, or whether you can do this for the next 40 years.

It should be "we", not "us".

lady this situation is so sad, but I have to say what you wear, how you have your hair or whether you wear make up or not shouldn't have any bearing on your husband fancying you. You shouldn't feel you need to dress up at all, if he is your soul mate he'll find you attractive full stop, even with greasy hair, tatty old jeans and granny pants.

Don't stop cuddles, your moving further away from each other. What about planning some romantic dates that don't revolve around ending in sex? Maybe your husband feels a bit pressured? Also, you both must have been deeply affected by your miscarriage, how did you both handle it? Could your husband still be dealing with the grief? That could be having an effect on his libido.

If this were the other way around and he wanted sex, but you didn't, how would you want him to respond to you?

Ladyeva you sound confused but lovely and I am sorry you are unhappy.

I am a frumpy old 53 year old who has never worn heels (I am nearly six foot with a limp!) and rarely wear make up. I spend my home life in unsexy lycra or trackies and T shirt or a boiler suit doing filthy jobs renovating a house. None of that stops me feeling wanted and sexy. This is in your head.

If you have a particular view of what an attractive woman looks like that is entirely personal to you. The main thing that makes you feel sexy is being wanted. I am not advocating flirting at the gym but if you got some male appreciation you would quickly change how you feel inside. So you need to make that change for yourself so your DH is the one that notices and gives you the positive strokes.

If you are with him too much, at work and at home, could you maybe arrange some time apart to miss each other more? Go on a course or a weekend away with friends? Maybe a spa trip to glam up and get your nails/hair/facial done? Be busy and confident and happy and he will have to chase you a little bit more instead of taking you for granted. You have entered comfy old slippers territory and you are far too young for that!
Be happy. This comes from within!

Bumping for you ladyeva...

and posting to say Frith, just how very pathetic and sad you must be.

Lying that is mean. To "us pedants" it hurts!

Kouign... I get that you're being lighthearted; this really isn't the thread to do it on, is it? I'm not exactly imbued with tact and sensitivity but I can comprehend enough to understand when somebody's in pain.

I really wish MNHQ would treat pedants who can't/won't control their outbursts with banishment to their own board.

He just said he thinks Coleen Rooney is " a bit lumpy"
I think I got my answer.

Are you sure you're the 'problem' OP?

Maybe he won't sleep with you because he has erectile dysfunction or something?

You can tell if he still fancies you by the little things like eye contact, how he sits beside you, if he likes to always touch you in a non-sexual way. DP and I had a bit of a rough patch a few years ago when I put on about 3 stone. He still very much loved and wanted me, but said he could tell I wasn't comfortable in myself and didn't want to press the issue of sex when he could sense I didn't even want to undress. How is your self esteem? Mine was made worse by the fact he didn't initiate sex, and he didn't initiate sex because he could sense I didn't feel sexy. It was a vicious circle!

I hope things look up. Don't change who you are, don't try be someone you're not, just be the version of yourself you're happiest in, whether that means going to get your hair blown out, losing 15lbs, whatever.

Thanks Hilly, glad you and your DP are ok now. There aren't any physical issues with him, I'm pretty sure. Someone above mentioned the touching, eye contact etc - they're there, but more in matey kind of way if that makes sense.
I've always been a confident person but I think the last few months have managed to eradicate that, I know for some people it might look ridiculous that I give it so much attention, but I think it's not only the lack of sex, it's also the knock on effect this has had on me. So self esteem is dragging on the floor behind me.
I do know I need to get a grip.

I'm wondering if this matter of spending so much time together, joined at the hip and being soul mates is the problem here. I know someone who had a great sex life until they married when it suddenly stopped. Essentially he had a problem which involved mother figures and her status had somehow changed. They lived like brother and sister for a long time.

Eventually she became so depressed she was about to leave unless he addressed the problem. He improved and finally things improved. But honestly I believe their sex life has been a bit of an elephant in the room throughout their marriage.

Unless you can convince your DP that he has to talk about this with you and try to sort things out I don't see this improving. Sorry. If you want dc and a normal loving sex life he will have to deal with whatever is the issue. Counselling/ therapy may be the way to go.

Btw did he witness anything traumatising when you had the mc?

Frith, that was an extremely unfuckable thing to say

It was. It just reminded me of the poetry Adrian Mole used to write!