Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everything was based on a lie, and nobody told me. ***Sensitive, potential triggers***

66 replies

Nofoollikeanoldone · 27/06/2014 22:56

I feel so bloody stupid, so foolish.

I don't know where to begin, it's such a mess. There was I thinking I had it all, the perfect family, perfect life... but it wasn't.

My stepson abused my children and then I found out that my husband was a schedule one sex offender.

I was pregnant with his child - too far gone to consider abortion - when I was told he had an offence relating to a child. I rang the police and then they weren't allowed to tell me anything due to data protection. So I asked him. He told me something that was plausible, believeable. So I asked his mother, she said the same, then his father, he said the same too. So I believed him, fucking fool that I am.

But it was lies, all lies. He told me that he'd had assessments that said he wasn't a danger. I believed him. Our baby was born and we went on to have another a couple of years later. Her life was based on a lie. We got married. All based on his lies. And still no one told me the truth, until my eldest disclosed he's been abused by his stepbrother.

Went straight to the police, and SS became involed. It was only then that I found out that the man I loved enough to marry was a schedule one offender. What he told me and what actually happened were two very different things.

And his parents knew, and said nothing. His ex knew, and said nothing. And I can't even divorce him until we've been married a year.

SS say he groomed me. Sought me out when I was vulnerable - I'd been recently bereaved - and got me pregnant quickly to tie me to him. I don't know what I think. I'd known him since I was 16, but never knew this.

I feel so stupid, so foolish, so ashamed.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/06/2014 23:00

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You trusted people to be as decent as you are - the fact that they lied to you is their shame, not yours.

I can't offer you any advice, apart from be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself - but I can tell you I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

frames · 27/06/2014 23:04

You are not at all to blame. The children you have are very precious, love them lots, and look after yourself.

callamia · 27/06/2014 23:04

The shame isn't yours, it should belong to him.
You have been treated terribly by a whole group of people here, and none of it your fault.

I'm sorry that you and your children have experienced abuse, and I hope that you are all able to move forward together safely. Because that's what there is now, your future.

wherethewildthingis · 27/06/2014 23:05

So sorry this is happening to you. I am sure he has groomed you, these men are extremely good and practiced at what they do. Please listen to, and use the support of, your social worker. They will help you through this.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 27/06/2014 23:05

There are no words, what a betrayal. Have you contacted womens aid?

JellyMould · 27/06/2014 23:08

So sorry to hear about your awful experiences. Are you getting any counselling or support from SS? Has he moved out?

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldone · 27/06/2014 23:19

He was removed from the house the day this came out.

My SW is next to useless tbh. They blame me for what happened to my son. They say I made a series of bad decisions and this led to me putting him at risk. I already blame myself for what happened, but I swear, if I'd known the truth or if I had had any inkling that my son was in danger, I would have taken them and got as far away as possible.

OP posts:
mytwoblackandwhitecats · 27/06/2014 23:27

Of course you would! Flowers

Look, this must feel awful, but you really, truly mustn't blame yourself. First of all, you mustn't blame yourself when you haven't done anything wrong, but secondly and more importantly, you need to ensure you emphasise firmly that only one person is responsible for abuse and that's obviously the abuser.

If your children sense you are blaming yourself, they may start to feel guilty as well and feel responsible in some way.

If you do not feel able to approach your SW, Samaritans will be non judgemental and understanding: they can't offer "counselling" but a listening ear. I think you will probably be fine, long term, you sound as if you love your children to pieces and trust me you CAN get through this. Xx

tiredandsadmum · 27/06/2014 23:47

Another hug from me and I don't even know you. Please don't feel ashamed. What a family though.

buggerboooo · 27/06/2014 23:51

They should be ashamed. Not you

passmethewineplease · 27/06/2014 23:52

Don't feel ashamed. He and his family should feel ashamed lying like that to you.

I am so sorry OP this must be a huge shock.

Please don't blame yourself.

notapizzaeater · 27/06/2014 23:54

They lied to you, you've done nothing wrong.

usualnamechanger · 27/06/2014 23:55

I am so sorry this happened to your children. Hope they get all the help they need to overcome this. It doesn't surprise me his family kept quiet, most relatives of abusers do. No words to describe them other than evil and more.

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldone · 28/06/2014 06:51

Thank you all for your support. I honestly thought I would be totally flamed. I've posted about my stepson abusing my son before, but this is the first time in eight months that I've had the courage to write about him.

I just feel so stupid. How could I now have seen what he was?

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 28/06/2014 07:05

It is not your fault that a whole series of people lied to you. People can be extremely devious and clever.

What happened to you and your children is inexcusable. Your ex and his parents are despicable people who deliberately lied to you for their own purposes.

I hope you can get help to allow you to rebuild your life.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 28/06/2014 08:44

stop feeling foolish and ashamed. he's a con artist, a groomer of women and children. he had back-up from his family.

as soon as you knew you did what any decent person would. best wishes to you and your children. i'm sorry such a horrible thing had to happen to you all.

HenI5 · 28/06/2014 09:06

Nofool do you have good friends and family who can give you real life support? I think you need to surround yourself with positive people who will listen and help you process all of this, it's an awful lot for you to deal with.

I'd also be speaking to Social Services, possibly with a view to making a complaint, but certainly to change your social worker. I can't imagine anyone saying that it's your fault you're in this situation. Maybe you did make some poor decisions, who doesn't? and hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you are where you are, you are not at fault and they should be helping you, not blaming you. You are not the criminal here.

Remember to take baby steps and stop being so harsh on yourself, you've been the victim of a conspiracy of lies, but you will come out the other side Thanks

Trooperslane · 28/06/2014 09:12

What everyone else is saying.

You aren't the bad person.

If your SW is making you feel like that, can you get another one assigned to you?

So sorry op. What a horrible thing to have happened. Hmm

campingfilth · 28/06/2014 09:19

Personally I think SS fucked up by not protecting you from him in the first place. He was a schedule one sex offender the police should have been monitoring him and should have told SS that you had contacted them. They then should have been making you aware of all the facts and the olive fobbing you off with the data protection act is just just bollocks really isn't it...you were pregnant with a child potentially at risk.

Don't let them bully you into thinking this is your fault and turn it back onto them.

Sorry to hear about this and it must be very difficult to deal with.

campingfilth · 28/06/2014 09:20

Oh and his family backing him up makes me believe that it is ingrained family sexual abuse.

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldone · 28/06/2014 09:23

No, that is SS's stance. They have started court proceedings against me. Yesterday they went for an interim care order but they were refused as there is no grounds - the children are safe (now), well cared for, clean, loved and although it's chaotic at times, we have a good routine now and we have a stable home life.

TBH, there have been failings on their part. Not once in the ten years since everyone signed the certificate of expectations to say H would never see his son unsupervised did they check. No checks were ever made at all. They just took his word, and that was that - in fact he ended up living in the house with his ex and their son. It feels somehow they have realised they have made errors previously and now they are being heavy handed with me, to make up for that.

It all feels too much sometimes. I'm not sure how I get through this. Everything I thought I'd know has been a lie.

OP posts:
HenI5 · 28/06/2014 09:40

They have started court proceedings against you?
OP have you contacted your MP and discussed your case and social services with them?
Do you know who your MP is and how to contact them?

campingfilth · 28/06/2014 10:01

I agree with Hen15 contact your MP, the police and SS massively failed you by not telling you what his offences were in the first place.

forumdonkey · 28/06/2014 11:03

I agree completely with campingfilth you have been failed by SS and the police.

Stay strong OP xxx

ShineSmile · 28/06/2014 11:49

It's the SS who have failed you! Seriously, make a complaint! They should have been monitoring him and should have informed you. Bloody cheek they have got to blame you - they are the ones at fault!!